Chapter 54

Sara lay in bed, her mind whirring with the events of the previous forty eight hours. Thomas lay beside her, his soft snoring echoing around the room. She thought back to when she finally arrived home.

Tommy had been pacing the living room, constantly stopping and staring out of the large bay window for any hope of her return. As he had watched her turn the corner of their street, he thought his eyes were deceiving him. However, as she crossed the street, her eyes lifted to the window and widened as they landed on her husbands image. He wasn't sure what that look was. Fear? Anger? Resentment? He wasn't sure, but it killed him to see that look on her face. Despite not knowing exactly where she had been, he knew, deep down in his cold heart, that he was the cause of that pain on her face. He'd known for a long time, but for some reason, he couldn't stop putting her second to everything in his life. The business always came first, no matter what that entailed. Polly had warned him about this, as had Ada, but his insatiable drive for success had constantly been a wedge in their relationship. He had watched her as she made her way to the front door, her eyes only dropping from his as she finally reached the steps. The sound of the door opening had alerted her father, who had been sitting in the next room. His frostiness towards Tommy since he had awoken that morning to find his daughter missing had not yet subsided and as Tommy had expected, George blamed him for her disappearance.

"Sara?!" Her fathers voice had sounded from the other room. "Goodness child, where have you been all night?"

Tommy had stopped himself from heading into the foyer, allowing her Father time with his daughter. He could hear their voices were muffled and he couldn't quite make out what she was saying. His patience was starting to wear thin and he ran his hand through his hair as he made his way back to the window.

"Hello Thomas."

He took a deep breath before turning around to face her. Her eyes were red and puffy and she looked exhausted. His heart ached looking over her and he longed to go to her but her demeanour stopped him. She seemed distant and irate.

"Are you alright?" He asked, tentatively, still not moving from his spot at the window. She stood in silence in the doorway. He could see her father still standing in the hallway behind her. "We've been worried." He continued.

"I'm fine." She answered before turning on her heel and heading towards the stairs.

Confused, Tommy made his way after her, following her as she climbed the staircase. He wasn't sure how to deal with this. He'd always prided himself on being able to read her and get an indication of how she was feeling, but for the last few weeks, he felt as though his ability was slipping away from him. She was growing more distant by the day and Tommy knew he didn't have long to address it. He had to fix the problems that were evolving quickly within their marriage. Knowing he had to act quickly, he took off up the staircase behind her.

"Sara."

"What?" He found her in their bedroom, sitting on the large red armchair which was situated in the corner of the bedroom by the window. She was looking out onto the street below, seemingly fixated on something in particular.

"Are you going to tell me where you were all night?" He quizzed, mentally kicking himself for going straight in on the attack.

"No."

"Sara, enough with one word answers. Tell me what's going on. You haven't been yourself for weeks."

"Why do you think that is Tommy?" She finally turned to face him and he could see that tears were threatening to fall down her porcelain cheeks. "I've not been myself because I have no idea who that is anymore. I'm completely lost. I don't know who you are. I'm fed up being your fifth or sixth priority. You're not the man I married anymore. You're not the man I fell in love with all those years ago. I thought this time I married for love. I thought that was also the reason why you married me. But now, it seems as though it would be more beneficial for you and your fucking business if I had never come into your life. Then you could sleep around with whoever you wanted to. You could be whoever you wanted to be without worrying about a wife at home. I hold you back Tommy, isn't that right?"

He stared at her, absolutely bewildered. "Who has put all this in your head? What the hell are you talking about?"

"Just admit it Tommy. I'm tired. I'm tired of being a laughing stock. I'm tired of being judged by the women you fool around with because I chose to stay. How many more women have there been? Which ones don't I know about? How many more women in Birmingham are pitying me? How many more are jealous? I've had it. I'm not going to be your trophy wife any longer. I've made a decision. I'm staying in New York."

He hadn't taken it well. They argued for some time afterwards and words had been said that could never be taken back. Now, as she lay beside him, guilt ripped through her. She'd said some horrible things to him, but despite her rage, he had stood and taken every word she had thrown at him. She knew though that the only reason why he was so reserved was because everything she said was true. She didn't speak one word of a lie. All her feelings about May Carleton, Lizzie Stark, Jessie Eden and Tatiana Petrovna came screaming out. She didn't doubt her parents could hear every word, no doubt causing her father to hate him even more, but once she started, she couldn't stop. She needed him to know exactly how she felt and exactly how much pain he had caused her. Now, as she lay in bed, she ached to cuddle into him. She turned her head slightly to the left and her eyes finally rested upon him. He was lying on his back, one arm stretched above his head and the other resting lazily across his stomach. She allowed herself to take in his features. It had been so long since she had really looked at him. His cheekbones were still as chiselled as ever and she knew that if he were to open his eyes right now, she could dive right into those pools of blue. His hair was still neatly shaved on the sides and thick and luxurious on top. When did she last run her hands through his hair? Is that why he strays? Because she wasn't paying him enough attention?

No!

Sara mentally scolded herself. She would not allow herself to take the blame for his indiscretions. She had done enough. She had put up with enough. This was all on him. The anger she had felt still hadn't completely subsided but he was adamant they could fix this. Her staying in New York was out of the question. They were due to sail back to England in two days time and he was persistent that they would all be onboard.

Xxxxxxxxx

Tommy paced the streets, heading straight for Central Park. He had no idea if he would be able to find her but he and Sara were leaving for England first thing in the morning and he was running out of time. His eyes scanned every woman he came across as he entered the park. He made his way towards the benches he and Sara had been sitting at a few days earlier, hoping that she may frequent that particular area. No doubt earning a few quid. He thought spitefully. But a quick glance around turned up nothing. This was infuriating. Sara had admitted during their fight that she had been with Mary and she'd told him what she had said to her about their relationship and now he was furious. What gave her the right to say things like that to his wife? She'd effectively abandoned her when she was a child. Sara had been incredibly clear in her feelings about her in the past and now she was listening to her? It didn't make sense. Why was she listening to this woman above him? Didn't she understand how much he loved her? Truthfully, he knew why. He felt his knees almost give way from underneath him. The strength he had been carrying on his shoulders threatened to travel down his legs, causing him to almost collapse. Before he allowed himself to succumb to the pressure, he sat down on a nearby bench. His head automatically found his calloused palms, resting on them whilst he tried to organise his thoughts. He couldn't blame her. He knew she was too good for him. She was too pure and didn't belong in his world. He had exposed her to so much danger and pain but yet, he couldn't stop himself from trying to do more. Even securing a respectable position within the House of Commons couldn't stop him from carrying out jobs on the side which would further build the Shelby empire. He had seen the pain his work had caused so many people. He had lost John because of it. He almost lost Arthur. He couldn't trust Michael any longer and Polly was growing increasingly erratic as a result. The only one who had stayed strong and steady was his younger sister, and even she was growing increasingly tired of his activities and behaviour. Now, he stood to lose the most important things in his life. His anger had gotten the better of him when she had told him she was staying in New York. He had flown into a rage, smashing a crystal vase which had previously stood proudly on the window ledge of Sara's room. He knew he wasn't doing himself any favours, and certainly wasn't endearing himself further to Sara's father who had just shook his head in disgust when Tommy promised he would cover the cost of replacing the vase. He knew though that the money meant nothing. The vase had belonged to George's great grandmother so was essentially irreplaceable. He had apologised, but he knew this was just one more reason for her father to despise him. Now, he was still angry, but this time, he was angry with himself. The pain in her eyes had been so real and honest. She looked utterly deflated. Why did he keep doing this to her? He tugged his cap roughly from his head and ran his fingers through his hair, tugging at it in frustration.

"You'll quickly go bald doing that."

A/N - i decided to add in a brief authors note after initially publishing this chapter. i wanted to try and explain a few things as i can feel frustration from within myself and from readers. A lot of this story is coming from a place of experience. many of the conversations have taken place in my own life and sometimes its not just so easy to walk away. on the outside looking in, its very easy to say she should leave but having lived in an abusive relationship, i empathise with Sara. its not always easy to leave a relationship like this even now. I can only imagine how much harder it must have been back in the 1920s when divorce was so disapproved of. consider how she must feel. you tell yourself every time "this time they'll change." you believe it. so whilst i understand frustration at her not leaving - and thats not to say she wont - i dont believe it makes her weak. I would like to think in this day and age, we can consider someones situation without automatically assuming they are weak. i dont believe i would be true to her as a character by making her fight back against a man like Tommy straight away. she needs the confidence in herself to do this and at this point, she doesnt have that.

i hope this explains some of my feelings on this story and hopefully shows why i need to be true to myself and to the character. thank you so much for reading.