A/N: I hadn't written anything since February 19 and decided to quick write this little thing for fun. Well...actually, it's sorta/kinda a preview for that multi-chapter fic I'm in the process of writing right now. Again, disclaimer, nothing was proofread...there might be some errors and mistakes and all.

Enjoy~

When she first began sleeping beside Yuzu, Mei wondered how she would deal with the uncomfortable heat enveloping her.

But then winter came, and she welcomed Yuzu's warmth, slowly but surely. The next couple of months bonding with the other girl gradually led Mei to forget what it felt like being alone. After denying Yuzu so many times, pushing her away, telling her she would never accept her, Mei began finding herself inching closer and closer next to the older girl almost every night.

And eventually, whenever Mei woke up, she would always expect Yuzu sleeping soundly right beside her.

Then she left. Out of pride or her self-sacrificial nature to guarantee Yuzu a better life, Mei reluctantly left Yuzu behind to fulfill her family duties she was shackled to.

Why did she ever consider choosing an empty love versus a warm one?

The first night without Yuzu was unbearable. Mei barely slept on her own bed without having images of the blonde's sleeping face flash in her mind. The same face she knew she wouldn't wake up to the next morning. But Mei kept telling herself she had an obligation to fulfill, and Yuzu shouldn't have to be dragged down an unhappy life with her.

Yuzu deserved a better life. She deserved better than this. Yuzu deserved better than her. After all, Yuzu had the courage to be free while she was nothing but a coward. In time, Yuzu would eventually get over her and find someone who would treat her right and give her the happiness she always deserved. It was something that Mei kept repeating to herself to convince herself that what she was doing was right.

And why wouldn't Yuzu deserve better than her? All the memories that came into Mei's mind were the way she initially treated the older girl-how she stole kisses from her, how she pushed her away so many times, how she remained cold and distant to her…

Even after warming up to Yuzu and slowly changing to a better version of herself, it didn't stop Mei from running away from her true feelings. It didn't stop her from keeping secrets from her. And it certainly didn't stop her from running away from the one person she desired the most.

But even after every futile attempt to convince herself that what she was doing was for the best, Mei couldn't help but picture Yuzu's crying face in front of her. She couldn't bear to be upfront and face Yuzu's pain. Yet even after leaving a note explaining how much the older girl meant to her but couldn't be with her, how Yuzu's plan to "fall in love with Mei and live happily ever" unfortunately failed, Yuzu's sobbing face was still fresh in Mei's mind despite not seeing it. Every time that image came to her mind, Mei felt nothing but crushing guilt for tearing a hole through her beloved's heart.

Staring at the ceiling of her new room, Mei reminisced over all the moments, big and small, she shared with Yuzu.

Yuzu gave everything to her. Out of everyone else in Mei's life, Yuzu always stuck by her side no matter how ugly or complicated or messy things got. She was the only one Mei truly felt understood her. And how did she repay her? By running away due to her own selfishness and cowardice. No matter how many times Yuzu simply saw her as a young girl, Mei couldn't see herself the same way Yuzu did. Every time she looked at her own reflection even during her days living with Yuzu and her mother, Mei never saw a girl in the mirror, only a tool to further the Aihara legacy.

It was this perception of herself that made her realize that maybe Yuzu did deserve better.

And yet, Yuzu still longed for her. Mei didn't know what went on in the blonde's head to continue chasing after her. She wasn't supposed to be a part of Yuzu's life, but deep down Mei knew she couldn't live without her.

After constant apologies, rebuilding trust, overall repairing their broken relationship, and coming out to their friends and family, Mei and Yuzu really believed their lives would continue for the better. Or at least, Yuzu did.

Mei wanted to believe her life with Yuzu meant her past problems were over and done with. For the most part, they were. Her days living with Yuzu, away from their hometown and in a new city, were nothing but the best days of her life. And yet, there were still nights where Mei would wake up shaking, frantically feeling the other side of the bed to make sure Yuzu was still there. Whenever the older girl was woken up by her mild burst of panic, Mei would often apologize quietly, then attempt to dispel Yuzu's worries by telling her everything was fine.

And it should've been fine. Everything should've been okay now that they resolved the loose ends in their relationship. Mei thought that living in a new city and attending university with her girlfriend freed her from her messy past. Yuzu's plan to "live happily ever after" should've worked.

But it didn't.

The fact that it didn't was the most frustrating thing Mei dealt with. Despite not seeing herself as much a tool to continue the Aihara family, the younger girl still couldn't see a person in the mirror. Throughout the past few months in college, Mei had always seen Yuzu thriving, exceling, and doing a lot more compared to her days in high school. But at the same time, while Yuzu was flourishing, Mei was wilting.

As the months passed, Mei slowly began to lose sight of herself. The past she once thought she broke free from kept haunting her with every passing day. And each time this happened, it stunted Mei from moving forward. Her father's abandonment, her burdens with taking over the school, her arranged marriage with Udagawa, and her fear of losing Yuzu again always kept Mei from getting any sleep on some nights.

Why did she feel like this? Yuzu obviously moved on from the problems that transpired between them. Meanwhile, Mei would never understand why she was still shackled by her past.

Because of how happy Yuzu felt around Mei, Mei wanted to maintain the illusion that nothing was wrong. She was making the same mistakes again. She didn't want Yuzu to think her plan failed and that she could never make her happy. Yuzu always made her happy. But for some reason, there were days she just couldn't feel happy. Instead, it would be replaced by an empty and unfamiliar hollowness in her heart. Other days it would be filled with a suffocating adrenaline rush during some moments when Yuzu wasn't by her side.

Unfortunately, maintaining that illusion could only last for so long. Mei wanted to protect both her own and Yuzu's happiness by keeping any reminders of the past as far away from them as possible. But the longer Mei suppressed it, the longer the pain lasted.

As a result, Mei began falling apart in school. Her grades slipped, she failed many of her exams and her perception of herself only worsened. Now, whenever she looked at herself in the mirror she saw nothing. That high-functioning honor student and student-council president was simply a shadow of her former self.

"What does Yuzu even see in me?" Mei contemplated as she continued staring at herself in the mirror.

The moment her eyes caught a glimpse of her ring, Mei sighed then exited the bathroom of their apartment and into her and Yuzu's room. She crawled under the sheets while Yuzu lazily snuggled up close to her. Warmth enveloped her, and each time Mei felt as if she was experiencing Yuzu's hugs for the first time.

There was always a reignited sense of security she felt whenever Yuzu held onto her. It made her forget all of her past worries and problems and actually focus on the present for once. But even that could only last for so long as well.

In the dark of their room, Mei laid on her side quietly admiring Yuzu's sleeping face. She lightly caressed her cheek, soft enough so as to not wake her and Yuzu smiled from the featherlight touch. Admiration turned to somber, and Mei turned with her back facing Yuzu, in an attempt to get some sleep that night.

One second passed, and then a minute, then an hour. Sleep never approached and memories of what could've been continued to haunt Mei. During her days living away from Yuzu, she always had dreams of waking up right beside Yuzu and spending the rest of their morning resting in each other's arms. Her nightmare came afterward as soon as she woke up to a cold, empty side of the bed.

Shaking off that thought, Mei turned back to face Yuzu again. If this was a dream, then she never wanted to wake up. But she couldn't bear to live through that nightmare again. She couldn't bear waking up to a cold bed, or even worse, waking up in a loveless marriage with Udagawa.

Tears began welling up in the younger girl's face and she quickly, but carefully turned away from Yuzu. A whimper escaped her throat and she tried muffling it with her hand. It was another one of those nights again. Mei understood this pain all too well. In her childhood, she remembered the nights how she would quietly cry herself to sleep in an empty house wondering when her father would come home. Now, she was in cozy apartment, sleeping next to the person she loves the most.

Yet, even after sleeping soundly next to the one she loves, Mei still wept every night. And the fact she did only made her feel worse. Why was she even sad? She was no longer alone and finally able to be together with the girl who made her feel like everything. It didn't make sense to Mei and the more she tried to comprehend it, the more painful it felt.

More tears flowed down and her light whimpers turned into choking sobs. Afraid of waking Yuzu up, Mei buried her face in her pillow, pressing hard while her hand tightly clenched on the fabric. She hoped the pillow would swallow her pained sobs, but even when she could let everything out quietly there, Yuzu was still next to her; and Mei feared even the slightest sound would wake her.

It was almost as if her body involuntary wanted to hold in all that pain. With the growing tension, Mei curled up in a ball on her side of the bed and trembled. She couldn't let Yuzu see her like this. This was supposed to be their "happily ever after". Mei was supposed to be happy, and yet she felt like she was ruining everything for the both of them with her "absurd" sadness.

"Mei?" she heard from behind.

Mei mentally scolded herself for not being quiet enough.

Playing off as if nothing was wrong, the younger girl didn't respond and pretended she already drifted off to sleep.

"Mei...I know you're awake," Yuzu placed a hand on her shoulder, "I was actually awake the whole time," she confessed.

Still unresponsive. Mei couldn't get herself to face Yuzu while tears still flowed down her cheeks. She remained glued to the pillow, hoping for the other girl to get tired of waiting and go back to bed. A brief moment passed and right when Mei thought Yuzu was heading back to sleep, she felt Yuzu's hand on her shoulder begin rubbing her back.

"I know you probably don't want to talk about it now, but you know I'm always here if you need anything," the blonde reassured. And with that, Mei's tension dissipated for moment and let go of her grip on the pillow. The younger girl felt like she could breathe again. Wiping the remainder of the tears on her face, she subconsciously turned to face Yuzu, who circled her arms around the younger girl.

Mei wrapped her arms around Yuzu's back and held onto her tightly, as if afraid she would disappear if she let go. She thought her crying stopped the moment her tension dissipated, but all of a sudden, her pain crept back to her.

Soft whimpers bubbled up in her throat quickly turned to choking sobs. But this time, Mei didn't hold back.

"Yuzu…" she croaked as she gripped harder on the older girl's back.

Each sob she heard only tightened Yuzu's grip on the other girl. She placed her hand on the younger girl's head, soothingly stroking her hair in an effort to calm her down.

"Yuzu, I…" Mei managed through her whimpers. They were working on strengthening their communication in their relationship, but trying to talk about what was on her mind was a futile effort. Every word she tried to speak only came out as a croak or cry.

"It's okay. You don't have to say anything right now," Yuzu softly reminded. "I don't know what's going on with you right now, but if you need to cry, then let it out. I'll be right here."

Those last few words echoed in Mei's head. She had heard them before through countless dreams while she lived away from her family. Because of her fear that this too was just another dream, the promises of Yuzu staying by her side eventually rung empty. They were supposed to comfort her, but it only made Mei cry harder.

Yuzu kept murmuring reassuring words and promises in her ear, and eventually the two drifted off to sleep.

The next morning, Mei woke up to the glimpses of light shining through the window.

Another day to get through. She had honestly lost time and forgotten what happened the night before. But based on the dried tears and heavy eyelids, Mei spent another night crying herself to sleep.

A weight and warmth registered through to her and realized she wasn't alone on the bed. Her heart rate sped up. Was she in another nightmare? Did she actually end up marrying Udagawa?

Weakly, but hesitantly opening her eyes, Mei saw green fabric in front of her and sensed warm arms on her back and head. Memories of the night before finally came through to her and Mei breathed a sigh of relief, glad that she wasn't living another nightmare. She was buried in Yuzu's chest while the older girl did everything she could to comfort her.

Careful not to wake Yuzu, Mei got up to check the time on the nightstand.

6:54 AM

It was still early and it didn't hurt to rest a little longer. Before she settled back down on the bed, she caught a glimpse of Yuzu's face. Mei leaned in closer and found dried tears on the other girl's cheeks.

Yuzu was crying too.

The sight would've pained Mei, but oddly enough, it put her at ease. Yuzu was actually there with her that night. She always feared that her time with Yuzu was nothing but a dream, an illusion. Every time she woke up in that empty house she stayed in, Yuzu was nothing but a distant memory.

But this time, she wasn't.

Despite the relief Mei felt after pouring out all her emotions to Yuzu, she knew her past plague wouldn't disappear overnight and that those nightmares would haunt her again.

She couldn't keep her problems locked away forever, and one step to possibly resolving her recurring pain was to tell Yuzu.

But right now sleep was probably a good option. After all, there was no rush to tell her anything.

A/N: But it's still bad to bottle stuff up so like...don't do it.

And yes, chapter 36 did in fact wreck me