Chapter 11

I'm not even going to try to come up with an excuse for my absence since July. Its been a crazy couple of months and I didn't want to ruin this story by not putting in the time to think about what's going to happen next. That, and I was re-reading the Infernal Devices because of Cassie's short stories that are being released right now.

I am going to try to update all of my stories, starting with this one since there are more people following this one. I appreciate the reviews so much too, and I love that you guys love it.

Enjoy catching up on reading.

Clary POV

"Jon," I said through my phone. My hands were shaking and my mind was reeling, at the very least, I didn't want my voice to shake too, not yet.

"Clarebear?" he asked curiously back.

"I -." My voice broke and I had to take a breath. "I-."

"What's wrong," Jon said softly. "I thought you were with Izzy?"

"I need - my big - brother," I said choking on the words. I didn't realize it before, but my fingers were crossed beside me. Jon and I's secret message for help to each other since we were little.

"Do you have a ride back to campus?" he said carefully.

"Alec," I barely made out. "Alec and Magnus can take me."

"I'll meet you at your dorm, tonight," Jon said seriously this time. "Call me if you need anything. I'm leaving right now, I'll be there around dinner time."

"I love you," I said through my own sobs.

"I love you too, sis," he returned. The phone went dead and wiped my cheeks clean, trying to blink out the fogginess that the tears have created.

"He's going to meet us," I said as calmly as I could manage. Alec gave a small smile as I gave him my cell phone to hold on too, I didn't want to accidentally text someone and make things worse.

"Alright, Clare," he said leaning down to sit in front of me. His face was gentle but riddled with pity.

"Chin up, princess, before your tiara falls," I heard from the doorway. I knew it was Izzy, I didn't need to look. She joined Alec in front of me smiled wide. She placed to fingers at the bottom of my chin and tilted my head up. "Are you really going?"

"Yes," I said flatly.

"Listen -," she tried to say.

"If you're going to say that I should go to Jace right now, and talk about it, then you're crazy," I said painfully. Each word felt like a razor to my throat, but it had to be said out loud. I can't just go through this all over again. "He ruined me, completely, broke me. He didn't want me then and he doesn't want me now," I said to myself this time. I wasn't convincing them, I was convincing myself.

"He's hurting, Clary," she said with her hands on her hips. "Really bad this time, too. I think he meant it."

"He never means to hurt me," I mocked in return.

"No," she said sternly this time. "I think he meant what he said to you."

"He didn't say anything to me," I said stubbornly. I could still hear his voice echoing in the back of my head. I didn't plan this, never-ending punishment.

I never asked him what he was being punished for, but it's none of my business either.

Even the feel of his body against mine felt right, so right I can't explain it. I was really going to kiss him too, I'm not going to lie to myself and pretend like I wasn't going too. Every piece of him calls me to him.

"He did," Izzy said in a threatening tone. "You can pretend like nothing happened, Clary, but I saw you guys. And now you're both hurting because you won't talk to each other and figure it out."

"I can't -," I said quietly.

"You can," she said narrowing her eyes at me. "I have been there for you every day since that night, against my own brother, and I am telling you that you can do this. You need too!"

"I don't need to do anything," I said stubbornly.

"Whatever," Izzy said walking away.

"Iz," Alec said this time trying to calm her down.

"No," she said crossing her arms. "This is tough love, for the both of you! You can both act like you have control of whatever this thing is, but you don't. You don't need to deny yourself this because you're scared just as much as he's denying this because he's ashamed or scared or whatever."

I didn't have a response, not one that was proper anyways. She gave a huff of breath and walked out of the room.

Alec offered me his hand, and helped me off the bed. I was crying uncontrollably but he held me up.

"Let's just get back to campus," Magnus said patting me on the back. "We can meet up with Jon and he can help you."

Okay," I said letting the boys get my bags.

JPOV

"What, Izzy," I said rubbing my temples. She's already given me more than just a migraine today.

"She's leaving," she said on the verge of crying. "She's leaving and she hates me because I stood up for you!"

"Who's leaving?" I asked as delicately as I could. Izzy spills into my room and throws herself on my bed.

"Clary," she said through her sniffles. "She's leaving, I tried to help but she doesn't care. She hates me now for trying to help and now you're both going to be hurt because of me."

"I'm not hurting because of you, Iz," I said sitting next to her. "Do you have any idea how hard it is for me, loving a girl that hates every piece of you?"

"But she doesn't hate you," she said through angry eyes. "She loves you. She's angry that you're the source of her pain. But she loves you."

"If she really loved me," I said trying not to give in to the pain. "She wouldn't be leaving me."

"She doesn't believe that you want her," Izzy said trying to wipe her face clean. "She thinks it's all a game."

"Well that's the problem with girls," I said trying to make her feel better. "Girls never want to believe that a man has changed."

CPOV

Waiting here for someone

Only yesterday we were on the run

You smile back at me and your face lit up the sun

Now I'm waiting here for someone

And oh, love, do you feel this rough?

Why's it only you I'm thinking of

My shadow's dancing

Without you for the first time

My heart is hoping

You'll walk right in tonight

Tell me there are things that you regret

'Cause if I'm being honest I ain't over you yet

That's all I'm asking

Is it too much to ask?

Is it too much to ask?

Someone's moving outside

The lights come on down the drive

I forget you're not here when I close my eyes

Do you still think of me sometimes?

And oh, love, watch the sun coming up

Don't it feel fucked up we're not in love

My shadow's dancing

Without you for the first time

My heart is hoping

You'll walk right in tonight

And tell me there are things that you regret

'Cause if I'm being honest I ain't over you yet

That's all I'm asking

Is it too much to ask?

And tell me there are things that you regret

'Cause if I'm being honest I ain't over you yet

"Clary," I heard through my headphones. I opened my eyes and turned my head away from the window in my dorm room. Jon stood in the doorway, looking as disheveled and handsome as always.

"Jon," I said bear hugging him as hard as I could. "It hurts so bad," I said feeling myself wanting to cry again.

"I know it does," he said comforting me as he always has. "Are you going to tell me what happened? Who did this to you?"

"That," Alec said taking Magnus's hand in his own. "Is our cue to leave," he finished with hugs for both of us. "Let us know if you need anything Clare."

I answered with a head nod and waited for the door to close completely.

Jon took a seat next to me on the window sill and gave me a weak look. He's tired, he's been driving all afternoon for me.

"Jace -," I barely got out of my mouth before I saw the self-control snap in Jon. He was standing and he was angry to say the least.

"He KNEW better," he said through gritted teeth.

"I think I was wrong," I barely got out before my voice cracked.

He sat back down and I recounted the story to him, not leaving out a single detail. I told him everything, from the first message we sent, to Izzy's moment that afternoon. He knew everything.

Jon was quiet for a long time, shifting back and forth on his feet until I thought he was going to break something. He looked blankly out the window, as if he was thinking, but angry at the same time.

"I'm glad you called me," he said finally.

My head snapped up at his first word since I finished my story.

"Jace has never done that, not with anyone," Jon said putting his head down. "At least none that I can remember."

"So?" I said trying to put the pieces together.

"So," Jon said uncomfortably. "I think you're right, I think you were wrong. I don't think he was lying to you."

"But he's lied to me before," I argued back.

"When?" Jon asked. I didn't have an answer but I knew it had to of happened.

"Think about it, Clare," he said uncrossing his legs. "He may have rejected you that night, but he thought you were playing some drunken mind game on him, I would've been angry if it was me in that position too. Then, by some freak chance, you get matched on Tinder, but you don't tell each other that it's either of yourselves. Jace shows emotions, like real emotions," Jon said cringing at the word emotions. "When has he ever showed or told people what he was feeling? He's not one to lie either, Clary. He might be a lot of things, but he's not a liar."

"What am I supposed to do?" I asked with all the emotional strength I had in me today.

"Whatever your heart tells you to do," he said smiling at me.

I knew in that moment that Jon wanted me to make this right. I knew I couldn't hide under my 17-year-old scared and broken self anymore.

A feeling I've never had before was swirling around my insides. I didn't know how to do any of this. I don't know a lot about loving someone, but I knew trying to convince myself otherwise is useless.

"I love him," I said quietly.

"You always have," Jon said smiling down to me.

"Shut up," I said childishly.

"If it makes you feel any better, I think he loves you too," he said smiling brightly this time.

"I don't know what to do," I said crossing my arms protectively around myself.

"I think, theoretically," Jon started. "You should get up, wash your face of those tears, get dressed in something that is not a cut off shirt and sweatpants, and meet us down at the campus gardens."

"What do you mean, US?" I asked with urgency.

"Uh," Jon said looking like a frightened child. He rubbed the back of his neck and shrugged uncomfortably. "Theoretically, of course."

"Bull shit," I accused. "You're a terrible liar. What did you do?"

"Wash up, buttercup," he said leaving my room. "See you in a little bit."

He shut my door with a wink, but I knew something wasn't right.