to the damned (to the lost and forgotten)

Perhaps the first mistake Pansy makes is believing in a happily ever after — people like her never get them. Not Slytherins, not lost girls, not Purebloods with dark thoughts and even darker pasts. She's known this her whole life and yet, she still falls down the rabbit hole and it's all because of Harry.

Harry James Potter, who has three parents and a saving people thing, who befriends the outcasts and believes in change, who is kind and genuine and all the things she can never be, no matter how many versions of herself she fakes and discards.

But for Harry, she tries.

…

The atmosphere in the Potter house is off. Pansy feels it from the moment James Potter sees her and flinches, from the second Harry's introductions fall flat (his mother is what her own mother would call a mudblood and both his fathers are blood traitors and Pansy is a mess and the whole damn house is stifling) and Pansy wants to leave before the first course even arrives at the table.

"So, Pansy, what do you do in your spare time?" Sirius Black asks, grinning at her and Lily Evans leans closer to hear.

What's the answer to that? Pansy doesn't know how to answer that and she doesn't think that she ever will, because honestly, what does she do in her spare time? She burns everything she attempts to cook, and she drinks tea with Daphne and she reads about dark magic because that's the type that runs through her veins.

When she says those things out loud, too timidly despite Harry's encouraging smile, James Potter smiles too tightly and Sirius looks at her like she's seeing a ghost and Pansy prays that something ends this night before it can get any worse —- she's not sure she can handle that.

…

"I'm sorry for my husband," Lily Evans tells her as the clean up the table. Outside, she can hear James Potter and Sirius Black joking with Harry and flutter of nostalgia hits her like a train — the family she left behind haunts her always, but some moments worse than others.

"He's a good man," Pansy says, and it comes out only a little bitter —- better than she expected. Her own father isn't a good man. He's a monster and some days, Pansy feels just like him.

Lily shakes her head and turns to Pansy, putting a hand on the younger woman's shoulder. "He's a good man, but he can be a little thick-headed sometimes. Sweetheart, Harry told me a lot about you and I have no regrets about my boy choosing someone like you."

"Harry calls me angel, you know," Pansy says tiredly, Lily nods encouragingly and hands Pansy a scone from the shelf before Pansy can even refuse. "Harry worships his parents — I saw the motorbike outside and the table and this home —- and now I get."

Lily looks at her in pity and Pansy chooses to look down at the scone instead, inhaling it's fresh fragrance. The only food her own mother ever made was poisonous and an act of war. Cooking for family is something she would have never imagined.

It makes her delirious, being in a household like this, where thoughts and people can dare to run untamed. In a perfect world, she could have had something like this too. She could have been like them.

"I don't believe in angels, you know," Lily says quietly, handing Pansy another scone. Pansy opens her mouth to protest about already having one, but closes it when she realizes it gone. "I believe in humans and I believe that people can change."

"Thank you," Pansy says back, too quietly, and both of them pretend she's just talking about the scone.

…

She doesn't know how she ends up drinking with Sirius Black in the backyard, facing each other with nothing but firewhiskey bottles and the stars around them.

"You remind me of myself, you know," Sirius says, still completely sober. Pansy can feel her own head begin to spin and puts the bottle down. She can't afford a bad impression — people like her don't get second chances. They never do. They live on the edge of cliffs and then fall off.

"I knew from the second you walked into the room. You got the same etiquette training," Sirius continues, barking out a laugh and sounding almost mad in his glee. "My mother kicked out of the class after Lil's taught me to call it all Hocus Pocus. She was worried I would become a blood traitor but it was too late by then. Told her win all the rubbish people keep sticking in my head, it's a wonder that there's room for my brain."

Pansy doesn't answer to that. "Is it odd to be married to two people, ?" She asks instead and Sirius peers at her like she's something fascinating in a potions lab.

"It feels right." Sirius grins at her again. "But you'd know that, would you, mini me?"

Pansy looks away. Her heart feels too big for her body, like it's swelled up and is breaking away all the rest of her organs. There is a fragile sort of build here — Pansy can taste it and it feels like the roots of acceptance.

…

James Potter appears as soon as Sirius leaves, claiming to need to go get refills in the kitchen. Pansy finds it almost entertaining at the way they keep her and Harry apart to inspect them.

"I'm sorry for being rude earlier," James Potter confesses, settling down across her in Sirius's old spot. "I didn't mean to hurt you, Pansy. You just have to understand — I know you're a lot like Sirius. I've met a lot of people broken like him, but they all burn. You're different, more jaded."

"I have reason to be, Mr. Potter," Pansy says back, tone bland. Long ago, she was biting and acidic, but she has no energy for that anymore. She used to burn but now she's the Phoenix rising from the ash, exhausted.

"I know and that's why I want to apologize. Harry made a good choice."

Pansy looks up at the stars. They twinkle, older than everyone who looks at them, and blinding with the knowledge of it. "Thank you."

…

"You made a good impression," Harry tells her excitedly as they leave the countryside manor. "They all love you — well, as much as my father can considering he'd like me a thirty year old virgin."

Pansy smiles at that. "You've long missed that opportunity."

Harry laughs, reaching down to kiss her cheerfully. "I have no regrets about that. None at all."

He looks beautiful in the light of the moon, illuminated by both his brilliance and the night. In every one of her fantasies, it has always been her and Harry, their fragile relationship turned into an eternity.

"None at all."

...

Written for:

Home Economics & Domestic Magic: Task 1: Eggs - Write about something fragile

Character Appreciation: Character - Lily Evans

Disney Challenge: King Triton - Write about an overprotective father

OTP Challenge: Write about your OTP as an old married couple, (word) regret

Shannon's Showcase: Little Ant and Dec - A character(s) finding a miniature version of themselves

Showtime: Razzle Dazzle - (phrase) Hocus Pocus

Days Of The Month: Smart and Sexy Day - Write about Sirius Black

Count Your Button: (object) motorbike

Lyric Alley: But we'll take what comes, take what comes

Tv Show Of The Month: Spike: (item) motorcycle, (action) drinking, (dialogue) "With all the rubbish people keep sticking in my head, it's a wonder that there's room for my brain."

Sophie's Shelf: fragrance, edge, inhale, swell, delirious, untamed

Liza's Loves: Write about nosy parents or parents who keep interrupting a date/hanging out with crush

Caffeine Awareness: Eiskaffee - (food) Scone

Scavenger Hunt: Write a fic set in the countryside

Jewel Challenge - Fluorite: Ring: Write about someone who has a calming effect on others, Bracelet: Write about someone who never gets drunk no matter how much alcohol they consume, Necklace: Write about a character who 'goes with the flow'

Crafty Cooking Corner: Cherry - Character: James Potter, Word: Virgin

Library Lovers: Hush Hush - Becca Fitzpatrick

(Nickname) Angel

(Character) Sirius Black

(Pairing) Jily

Saint Patrick's Day - Shepherd: (setting) countryside

Lent Challenge: Write about someone going back to their childhood home.