Title: The shell without Humanity
Rating:PG-13
Disclaimer:Not smart enough, or enough money so it ain't mine. DAMN YOU WHEDON!
Summary: AU on Grave. During, not after so it's more original than most.
Note: I know this is a repost of the same chapter but I just thought I should tell you that it is official. There is a sequel. It is titled "Demons from the past" and I beg that you read and review it. Thank you.
++++
Buffy entered the room as quietly as possible and closed the door as silently.
She didn't want to alert anyone to her absence. But right now she had to be alone. Too many things had just happened for her to be around anyone at the moment. After closing it she rested her forehead against the door.
She almost lost her sister. Even saying it caused a lump of fear to rise in her throat.
For a few brief, terrifying moments, her sister had died and laid cold in her arms. The slayer could feel the pain and panic start to rise in her. Trying not to let more tears fall she closed her eyes. And whispered a mantra she had been saying all night.
"She's all right, alive, not dead, Dawn is all right."
It helped, but she could still not shake off the fact she had been powerless to stop Dawn from dying. Faintly she could hear the outbursts and questions from the others as Willow calmly explained to everyone else what had happened. But Buffy already knew.
Something bad was coming, something that he thought they wouldn't have survived, and from another dimension, one of pain she didn't want to imagine, he set out to protect them.
A plan that involved killing Dawn.
This is what tore her, she was in a rage of protectiveness toward her sister, but was also sad and astonished to the lengths which that stupid vampire had gone to save them. She never would be able to thank him, or show him how much she... loved him?
Did she, how could she tell, what she felt was so different from everything else. Love didn't really describe it well enough. She would never have the chance to try. The anger began to bubble inside her. Even if she could love him, it would have been wasted on him. The Spike she knew had no soul. How could anyone without a soul love, how could anyone without a soul care so much, try so much, take such a beating just to get back up again to take another.
She shook her head and wiped away the tears that were threatening to fall. She couldn't believe he could love. Because if he did love her, her world built on simple truths would collapse into a muddied gray. It's not possible, if he did love her then why would he do that to her hurt her, and if she loved him...she didn't, she couldn't.
What would that make her? A horrible person for using him, beating him. Or loving him, a thing that killed half of Europe, a thing who fought by her side, fought for her, hurt her, then went to make it right. Through all this she realized that she missed him.
He had been there through some of the toughest parts of her life. At first he was the one of the causes, but after his "realization" he helped, gave her support when she needed it. But with Spike, things never really went the way he wanted it to. Things got really messed up.
She didn't know when she started using him, but when she did realize it she didn't care. When Riley found them she saw the relationship she wanted, not Riley, but what Riley and Sam had. Seeing that, she couldn't comprehend having it with Spike, because she didn't love him.
She couldn't love him because she never could really believe his love was real. It finally hit her, the truth of it all. She could have had what she wanted with Spike but she didn't because she wouldn't let it become what she wanted.
Trying to rid herself of the thoughts running through her head she turned to go to bed. Right in mid stride she froze. Standing there leaning against the wall was Spike, well what looked like Spike, he had brown hair, wearing all white, and was glowing.
Without hesitation she started to laugh with tears in her eyes. This caught his attention and caused his eyebrow to raise.
"You won't leave will you, you'll haunt me till I die. Just when I think your finally gone, here you are."
This obviously amused him because he smiled a very un-like Spike smile.
"Yeah, life and death's a bitch."
"Yeah"
She stopped smiling and wiped away the tears on her face.
"So what now, more threats and ominous finger paintings."
This made him outright laugh, something she had never really heard him do.
"No, no, nothing like that, just had to deliver a package before I'm off to heaven. They don't like us souls down here for too long. Tends to freak people out a bit."
The smile returned to her face, if not somewhat faded.
"In my world this is low key. So oh cosmic delivery man what ya got for me?"
He smiled again but this time it took on a somber shade. Walking up to her he held out his hand and a small blue box appeared.
"Last words."
She became very serious and slowly took the box out of his hand. The instant it was out of his hand William disappeared. Sitting down on the bed she stared at the box for a full minute before opening it. Inside she saw a folded piece of paper that had been there for a long time. Under it was what looked like a pure white marble. But what was odd was the little swirls of white light inside it. Setting the box with the marble inside down on the bed she carefully unfolded the paper inside. Written messily was what looked to be a letter.
////
Have to write this, can't do much else.
It's in me now, swirling inside, burning and cold. Eating away at me until I'm just...
I don't know how long it's been since I saw the black eyes.
There is no sun, there are no stars, there is no moon. Just darkness, crawling on my skin. Oh god it's in me it's...
I have power now, useless here, but there I would rule, I would no longer be an outcast, people would fear and tremble. But she wouldn't love me. I know I won't see her ever again. I was never meant to be loved by such a creature as she. I can still remember her scent. The way her hair bounces when she turns.
I will never see that again. I know that. But I have seen what is coming. It is darker than that which surrounds me. It would devour everyone. I made instructions, made the spell, and protected my soul by containing it in that marble.
I sometimes can't think clearly, it's getting hard to have straight thoughts and not get muddled.
If you read this Buffy that means that my plan actually worked. I know you hate me, you should, nothing I have ever done in this world amounts to anything good. But maybe this one time it'll work, maybe I can actually do something right for a change.
If your reading this it also means Willow is among the white hats again. Tell her she did a good job, she has a long road ahead and that I forgive her. Tell the bit I'm sorry. I know that you hate me for using her like that, and you should. But if your reading this then everything turned out alright. Tell her that I'm sorry but I was doing what I could to fulfill my promise. Tell Xander he's a stupid git and to stop fucking around and do everything he can to get Anya back. She's worth the pain and the fight. Tell Rupert that he's a stupid git also, he needs to be with his family. Tell Anya that nothing is wrong with her, she's perfect as she can be.
I'm starting to sound like the poof.
Speaking of tall dark and forehead when you see him, tell him I understand, I finally understand. You know I can almost forget that...that...a...
They're coming soon. I don't think I'll survive another session. I don't like this, they come and make me feel it all at once. Sometimes it cuts, sometimes in burns, other times it freezes. But each time I feel like I'm slowly rotting inside, there's less and less of me in here...I...
I guess I have to get done with this soon. I can feel myself slipping.
Buffy, I know you don't love me, you won't and you can't. In fact I'm quite sure you hate me. But it doesn't change that I love you. You don't believe me, you don't think I can. That it's just an illusion I thought up, that I just love the strength and power. I don't love you because of your strength or your power, I love you because of who you are, a wonderful woman. I don't know how to prove it to you. And sadly I won't be able to do it in person.
You want to know how I feel, what my love is, touch the jewel. You'll see it. Have the witch check it out if you want. I know I'll never...
I'm slipping away again. I don't know where I'll go once it ends. I'm already in hell, maybe my place is in the nothingness. The only thing that will keep me comfort is that you will know my love is real. I better end this now, can't hold on much longer.
Guess these are the last words of William the bloody.
Sod off you wankers!
Spike
////
She sat there for what seemed like hours reading and rereading the letter he had written, and each time she ended up with tears coming down her face and a smile at the end. Not even a hell dimension could take away his sense of humor.
Finally putting it down she glanced at the shiny jewel in the box. With all the bravery she could muster Buffy touched it.
It felt like a soothing warmth went straight from her fingers to her brain. With it the memories came. All of her. All different. But she could tell that they were progressive. With each memory were the feelings that he felt when seeing her.
At first he was a predator stalking his prey, then she was an annoyance and soon a feared enemy. Soon she became a obstacle he couldn't hurtle over. As time went on his passion towards her increased, hate, respect, fear, and soon love.
When it reached love she crumpled over. The feeling was vast and deep, dark, bright, terrible, beautiful love that would rip anyone to pieces. She could feel it consume him whenever he saw her. And with it's birth came the augmentation of all other things toward her.
The hate, fear, admiration, and soon the pain of rejection. It was when Buffy saw her death she screamed. Oh god the pain inside, he felt he failed them all. Especially her. The pain eased a tad when he saw Dawn.
Buffy's tears fell when she saw the night she was brought back. His joy at the sight of her was warmer than anything she felt. Soon that was turned into anger at the rest for bringing her back.
The joy of seeing her was soon replaced by sadness and longing. She had been slipping away from them all and he wanted to bring her back to him.
The next memories were filled with a mix of pain and pleasure. Her words cutting him down and her body bringing him back. As the memories went on the pain got more and more intense, and soon the yearning was replaced by desperation.
It was that final night in the bathroom was what made her cry out. The pain and desperation mixed into something darker. And when she had thrown him off she was hit with his shock and sudden guilt.
The memories ended with him finishing the trials. He had asked for the soul, so he wouldn't ever let things go that far, let that love he held for her at the beginning get twisted again.
When it was done she was left laying on the bed sobbing into her pillow. She didn't hear the banging on the door and Dawns concerned voice. All she did was whisper "I believe you."
++++
In the dark and the deep, a place of tears and blood, a demon hears an echo from far beyond and stirs.
++++
A/N: This is the very last part to this writing.
I hope you liked his last words.
I know you're wondering "what's the deal with the end." I don't know, could it be...hmmm...A SEQUEL!
Review please. I beg you, good bad just tell me what you think.
Rating:PG-13
Disclaimer:Not smart enough, or enough money so it ain't mine. DAMN YOU WHEDON!
Summary: AU on Grave. During, not after so it's more original than most.
Note: I know this is a repost of the same chapter but I just thought I should tell you that it is official. There is a sequel. It is titled "Demons from the past" and I beg that you read and review it. Thank you.
++++
Buffy entered the room as quietly as possible and closed the door as silently.
She didn't want to alert anyone to her absence. But right now she had to be alone. Too many things had just happened for her to be around anyone at the moment. After closing it she rested her forehead against the door.
She almost lost her sister. Even saying it caused a lump of fear to rise in her throat.
For a few brief, terrifying moments, her sister had died and laid cold in her arms. The slayer could feel the pain and panic start to rise in her. Trying not to let more tears fall she closed her eyes. And whispered a mantra she had been saying all night.
"She's all right, alive, not dead, Dawn is all right."
It helped, but she could still not shake off the fact she had been powerless to stop Dawn from dying. Faintly she could hear the outbursts and questions from the others as Willow calmly explained to everyone else what had happened. But Buffy already knew.
Something bad was coming, something that he thought they wouldn't have survived, and from another dimension, one of pain she didn't want to imagine, he set out to protect them.
A plan that involved killing Dawn.
This is what tore her, she was in a rage of protectiveness toward her sister, but was also sad and astonished to the lengths which that stupid vampire had gone to save them. She never would be able to thank him, or show him how much she... loved him?
Did she, how could she tell, what she felt was so different from everything else. Love didn't really describe it well enough. She would never have the chance to try. The anger began to bubble inside her. Even if she could love him, it would have been wasted on him. The Spike she knew had no soul. How could anyone without a soul love, how could anyone without a soul care so much, try so much, take such a beating just to get back up again to take another.
She shook her head and wiped away the tears that were threatening to fall. She couldn't believe he could love. Because if he did love her, her world built on simple truths would collapse into a muddied gray. It's not possible, if he did love her then why would he do that to her hurt her, and if she loved him...she didn't, she couldn't.
What would that make her? A horrible person for using him, beating him. Or loving him, a thing that killed half of Europe, a thing who fought by her side, fought for her, hurt her, then went to make it right. Through all this she realized that she missed him.
He had been there through some of the toughest parts of her life. At first he was the one of the causes, but after his "realization" he helped, gave her support when she needed it. But with Spike, things never really went the way he wanted it to. Things got really messed up.
She didn't know when she started using him, but when she did realize it she didn't care. When Riley found them she saw the relationship she wanted, not Riley, but what Riley and Sam had. Seeing that, she couldn't comprehend having it with Spike, because she didn't love him.
She couldn't love him because she never could really believe his love was real. It finally hit her, the truth of it all. She could have had what she wanted with Spike but she didn't because she wouldn't let it become what she wanted.
Trying to rid herself of the thoughts running through her head she turned to go to bed. Right in mid stride she froze. Standing there leaning against the wall was Spike, well what looked like Spike, he had brown hair, wearing all white, and was glowing.
Without hesitation she started to laugh with tears in her eyes. This caught his attention and caused his eyebrow to raise.
"You won't leave will you, you'll haunt me till I die. Just when I think your finally gone, here you are."
This obviously amused him because he smiled a very un-like Spike smile.
"Yeah, life and death's a bitch."
"Yeah"
She stopped smiling and wiped away the tears on her face.
"So what now, more threats and ominous finger paintings."
This made him outright laugh, something she had never really heard him do.
"No, no, nothing like that, just had to deliver a package before I'm off to heaven. They don't like us souls down here for too long. Tends to freak people out a bit."
The smile returned to her face, if not somewhat faded.
"In my world this is low key. So oh cosmic delivery man what ya got for me?"
He smiled again but this time it took on a somber shade. Walking up to her he held out his hand and a small blue box appeared.
"Last words."
She became very serious and slowly took the box out of his hand. The instant it was out of his hand William disappeared. Sitting down on the bed she stared at the box for a full minute before opening it. Inside she saw a folded piece of paper that had been there for a long time. Under it was what looked like a pure white marble. But what was odd was the little swirls of white light inside it. Setting the box with the marble inside down on the bed she carefully unfolded the paper inside. Written messily was what looked to be a letter.
////
Have to write this, can't do much else.
It's in me now, swirling inside, burning and cold. Eating away at me until I'm just...
I don't know how long it's been since I saw the black eyes.
There is no sun, there are no stars, there is no moon. Just darkness, crawling on my skin. Oh god it's in me it's...
I have power now, useless here, but there I would rule, I would no longer be an outcast, people would fear and tremble. But she wouldn't love me. I know I won't see her ever again. I was never meant to be loved by such a creature as she. I can still remember her scent. The way her hair bounces when she turns.
I will never see that again. I know that. But I have seen what is coming. It is darker than that which surrounds me. It would devour everyone. I made instructions, made the spell, and protected my soul by containing it in that marble.
I sometimes can't think clearly, it's getting hard to have straight thoughts and not get muddled.
If you read this Buffy that means that my plan actually worked. I know you hate me, you should, nothing I have ever done in this world amounts to anything good. But maybe this one time it'll work, maybe I can actually do something right for a change.
If your reading this it also means Willow is among the white hats again. Tell her she did a good job, she has a long road ahead and that I forgive her. Tell the bit I'm sorry. I know that you hate me for using her like that, and you should. But if your reading this then everything turned out alright. Tell her that I'm sorry but I was doing what I could to fulfill my promise. Tell Xander he's a stupid git and to stop fucking around and do everything he can to get Anya back. She's worth the pain and the fight. Tell Rupert that he's a stupid git also, he needs to be with his family. Tell Anya that nothing is wrong with her, she's perfect as she can be.
I'm starting to sound like the poof.
Speaking of tall dark and forehead when you see him, tell him I understand, I finally understand. You know I can almost forget that...that...a...
They're coming soon. I don't think I'll survive another session. I don't like this, they come and make me feel it all at once. Sometimes it cuts, sometimes in burns, other times it freezes. But each time I feel like I'm slowly rotting inside, there's less and less of me in here...I...
I guess I have to get done with this soon. I can feel myself slipping.
Buffy, I know you don't love me, you won't and you can't. In fact I'm quite sure you hate me. But it doesn't change that I love you. You don't believe me, you don't think I can. That it's just an illusion I thought up, that I just love the strength and power. I don't love you because of your strength or your power, I love you because of who you are, a wonderful woman. I don't know how to prove it to you. And sadly I won't be able to do it in person.
You want to know how I feel, what my love is, touch the jewel. You'll see it. Have the witch check it out if you want. I know I'll never...
I'm slipping away again. I don't know where I'll go once it ends. I'm already in hell, maybe my place is in the nothingness. The only thing that will keep me comfort is that you will know my love is real. I better end this now, can't hold on much longer.
Guess these are the last words of William the bloody.
Sod off you wankers!
Spike
////
She sat there for what seemed like hours reading and rereading the letter he had written, and each time she ended up with tears coming down her face and a smile at the end. Not even a hell dimension could take away his sense of humor.
Finally putting it down she glanced at the shiny jewel in the box. With all the bravery she could muster Buffy touched it.
It felt like a soothing warmth went straight from her fingers to her brain. With it the memories came. All of her. All different. But she could tell that they were progressive. With each memory were the feelings that he felt when seeing her.
At first he was a predator stalking his prey, then she was an annoyance and soon a feared enemy. Soon she became a obstacle he couldn't hurtle over. As time went on his passion towards her increased, hate, respect, fear, and soon love.
When it reached love she crumpled over. The feeling was vast and deep, dark, bright, terrible, beautiful love that would rip anyone to pieces. She could feel it consume him whenever he saw her. And with it's birth came the augmentation of all other things toward her.
The hate, fear, admiration, and soon the pain of rejection. It was when Buffy saw her death she screamed. Oh god the pain inside, he felt he failed them all. Especially her. The pain eased a tad when he saw Dawn.
Buffy's tears fell when she saw the night she was brought back. His joy at the sight of her was warmer than anything she felt. Soon that was turned into anger at the rest for bringing her back.
The joy of seeing her was soon replaced by sadness and longing. She had been slipping away from them all and he wanted to bring her back to him.
The next memories were filled with a mix of pain and pleasure. Her words cutting him down and her body bringing him back. As the memories went on the pain got more and more intense, and soon the yearning was replaced by desperation.
It was that final night in the bathroom was what made her cry out. The pain and desperation mixed into something darker. And when she had thrown him off she was hit with his shock and sudden guilt.
The memories ended with him finishing the trials. He had asked for the soul, so he wouldn't ever let things go that far, let that love he held for her at the beginning get twisted again.
When it was done she was left laying on the bed sobbing into her pillow. She didn't hear the banging on the door and Dawns concerned voice. All she did was whisper "I believe you."
++++
In the dark and the deep, a place of tears and blood, a demon hears an echo from far beyond and stirs.
++++
A/N: This is the very last part to this writing.
I hope you liked his last words.
I know you're wondering "what's the deal with the end." I don't know, could it be...hmmm...A SEQUEL!
Review please. I beg you, good bad just tell me what you think.