Author's Note: Here you go here's a thing *presents story shamelessly. So this is probably going to be more than a little crackish. But here you go hope it holds you over until Infinity War comes out. Inspired by the third infinity war trailer. This dialogue prompt from Tumblr: *During battle*
Star Lord: I have a plan, you, red cyborg, are going to dance in front of the purple guy, so we can attack from behind
Vision: I don't think…
Star Lord: You, insect boy will try to take one of those colorful rocks.
Peter: Rocks?
Star Lord: And you, playboy man will help me to kill my father in law. Questions?
Tony: This is wrong in so many levels. And this comment from reddit: If Peter and Gamora are together in Infinity war, then Thanos is his father-in-law. Peter officially has the worst father issues in the Galaxy. Also because of the two Peter problem I'll be referring to Peter Quill by either Quill, his full name or Star-lord. Peter Parker will just be Peter to Tony.

-x-

"So that's my plan. Any questions?" Tony wrapped up elegantly. Looking at Peter and the three aliens that called themselves Guardians of the Galaxy. A grey muscular humanoid, a weird masked guy from Missouri, and a freaking talking raccoon.

"Let's talk about this plan of yours. I think it's good. Except it sucks." The man who had introduced himself as Peter Quill AKA Star-lord said cheerily.

Tony just stared at him. This, this was unbelievable. Given the circumstances his and F. R. I. D. A. Y's planning was damn near flawless. Is this what he sounded like to other people? Parker was glancing between the two. His face was lit up like it was goddamn Christmas. All that was missing was the popcorn and he'd probably think he was watching a movie.

Quill kept talking, "So let me do the plan and then that way it might be really good."

Tony sighed and knew he was going to regret this, "Fine. What's your oh so brilliant plan all knowing Star-lord?" Tony asked.

"It's simple all I've got to do is marry Gamora." Quill concluded with a smile.

"Wow." Was all Tony could get out. "Just wow."

Quill grinned at him, "It's a great plan right?"

"You are an idiot." Tony let out. That was literally the only thought his mind could come up with. Doing a wedding sounded like more of a last rite than a plan to him. This man was like a downgraded version of him, a less intelligent country bumpkin version. "Not to rain on your parade —and hey no judgement from me that your ideal wedding scenario is during a universe wide apocalypse— but how is you getting married going to solve anything?" Tony asked incredulously.

"Easy, then Thanos will be my Father-in-law!" Quill replied like that made a lick of sense.

Tony turned to the grey muscular alien, "Not too sound insulting, but I think you're esteemed leader over there may have a few screws loose."

"Quill is not made from metal how could he have any screws?" The alien pondered.

These people would be the death of him. Forget Thanos, he was going to die from the idiocy long before the purple grape got here. Peter —the little shit— laughed at that. In fact he seemed to be greatly enjoying Tony's struggle. Tony ran his hand down his face. At least the kid would get this enjoyment before everyone died from Quill's idiotic plan.

"Excuse you," 'Star-lord' started, crossing his arms, "How many megalomaniac father's have you killed?"

"Uh, none." Tony said, annoyed. He watched Peter's eyes flip between the two of them like they were playing Ping Pong.

"Exactly." Quill huffed, like his response made a lick of sense.

This man had the brain capacity of a two year old, "I fail to see what that has to do with anything. That's not a real qualification-" Tony started, rolling his eyes.

"This will be my third father," Quill said, cutting him off and sticking up three fingers, "Third! It's pretty clear the universe rejects me having any sort of father figure. Thanos is sure to die. Statistics are on our side. "

"I don't even want to jump into that illogical mess. We're doing my plan."

"What Quill says is true. He has single handedly killed two fathers." Drax murmured thoughtfully as he stared at Quill.

"People say he's their son and then they die." Rocket added with a shrug. "Could work."

"Thank you! Rocket, Drax! Now who wants to come with me and tell Gamora she has to marry me to save the universe?"

"You people are ridiculous." Tony concluded as he watched the exchange.

-x-

Later on the Milano:

"Tell me again why we need to get married." Gamora demanded, her fist cuffed into Quill's jacket.

"I just told you." Peter said holding his hands up in surrender.

"No, you just opened your mouth and a bunch of noises came out." She narrowed his eyes at him.

"That's harsh. It's a term thing Gamora. Thanos will be my Father in law if we get married."

"I do not understand. You do not want Thanos as your father," She said darkly.

"I agree. That's why after we get married we're gonna kill him."

"Why do we not simply kill him?" she asked.

"Because Gamora, trust me the universe has something against people calling themselves my father. Yondu did it and he died the same day!"

"That makes no sense."

"It'll totally work 'Mora," Peter said snuggling closer to her and kissing her on the head, "Trust me. We defeated Ronan with 12% of a plan. My plans are just that good."She flipped him over her shoulder and onto the metal floor of the Milano.

"Owww," Peter groaned.

"Fine." Gamora let out, "Let's do it. But there better be more to this plan." Peter grinned up at her, "Is killing Thanos like the wedding present tradition you told me about?"

"Of course, only the best for you. Nebula can be your best woman and everything."

Gamora huffed fondly, "You are impossible Peter Jason Quill."

-x-

Author's Note: Hope you enjoyed it. I can't wait for more Stark-Quill snark. I also just chuckle at the image of Peter asking Thanos for Gamora's hand and them getting married in the middle of the fight a la pirates of the Caribbean style. Feel free to write thoughts about the upcoming movie or other snarky lines you can't wait for in the comments!