For wolfmusic218. So sorry it took so long. Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, Happy Valentine's Day, happy birthday, happy St. Patrick's Day and happy Easter.

Thanks to SWWoman for the beta. You're the best!

The characters don't belong to me. I miss them so much.

John was laying asleep with his hand in his shorts. It was slick from the nocturnal emissions that had become almost a nightly ritual. He was dreaming about his wife.

The sun's rays accentuated the bronze of her skin as she sat near a slatted window. It was their honeymoon. She was wearing a flowing white, blue and orange sun dress with strings for straps. Her face was almost doll like as she wore no make-up and a smile that shone brightly. She twirled a small piece of hair as she blushed at the way John looked at her. He couldn't keep his eyes off her. The look he gave her was lascivious. He pulled her closer to him and placed her left foot on his lap, massaging it as he smirked at her.

"I love you Joss," he purred.

"Hmm, I love you too," she responded as a smile crossed her face.

He placed her foot on him and she felt his erection through the white linen pants he was wearing.

Joss's smile broadened as she slowly moved her foot and toes over him. John moaned as his erection hardened. He cupped her foot as she continued moving. John held on as long as he could. With a low rumble he reached down and unzipped his pants, grabbed Joss, and pulled her onto his lap as he reached up to kiss her. Their kisses were deep and passionate. It wasn't long before John had moved Joss's panties out of the way and was moving inside her. She felt so good. She moaned as he moved within her.

John awoke with a groan only to be coldly reminded that he was there alone. Living in a local hotel since Joss asked him to leave, he couldn't understand how they got here. They'd been married for just under a year. As crazy as their schedules were, somehow they were making their relationship work. Both were in love with each other. After Joss had been shot their relationship turned a corner. No more wasting time, false pride, or fear. They opened up and were honest with each other; they were finally honest with themselves. As their relationship progressed, John was at Joss's place more than his own. Taylor was at his first year of college upstate. Harold Finch gifted them a three-bedroom condo as a wedding gift not far from where Joss's old apartment was located. Once in a while they'd bump heads and have a disagreement, but overall they were happily married and crazy about it each other.

2 weeks ago

"What? You actually have something nice to say about John?" Joss said facetiously as she dipped a French fry in some ketchup.

"If you tell the Dark Knight any of this, I'll deny it," Lionel snorted.

Joss looked up at her partner and raised an eyebrow as she continued eating.

"Truth be told, he's saved both our asses – on more than one occasion," was her reply.

Lionel and Joss had closed a case they had been working on for almost a month and decided to share dinner and drinks to celebrate at a new restaurant near the precinct. Done with their shift, Lionel had already downed a couple of bourbons before their food had arrived as he shared laughs with his partner. Joss had to admit that she was feeling good too. Unfortunately, Fusco's tongue had gotten a little too loose as he started his third drink.

"Yeah, he's literally saved my life," Fusco said with a bit of melancholy in his eyes.

"One of those HR cops had a gun to the back of my head…I knew I was a goner," he said shaking his head.

Joss saw his change in mood and swallowed hard as she listened to Fusco tell his harrowing story.

Fusco lowered his voice getting Joss's attention.

"To this day, I don't know what John saw in me," he said almost at a whisper.

"A dirty HR cop at the time, being held at gun point by another dirty HR cop. Davidson had me kneeling on the ground and was about to blow my brains out when…"

"Wait a minute, what?!" Joss interrupted as she stretched her hand out to stop him.

"You mean to tell me that John killed Detective Davidson?" she ground out trying not to be heard by the other restaurant patrons.

The buzz that Fusco had from the bourbon wore off quickly at Joss's reaction.

Crap.

Fusco's face flushed as concern then panic betrayed him. "I thought you knew, Joss."

He needed to try to fix this now. He saw the gamut of emotions running across Joss's face and he knew he screwed up.

Big time.

She couldn't eat anymore. She looked as though she wanted to throw up what little she had consumed.

"What the hell have you all been keeping from me Fusco?"

The question was more rhetorical as she sat across from him shaking her head.

"Joss, John was protecting me," he pleaded.

He reached out to touch his friend's hand and couldn't believe it when she pulled away.

"Joss it was a long time ago. I was a different man back then. Hell, John was a different man back then. But, honestly, I wouldn't be here right now if John hadn't…done what he did." It was though he was pleading with her to understand.

Lionel saw Joss blink back the water that was forming in her eyes. Rarely had he seen her at a loss for words which, honestly, scared the hell out of him.

"I…I gotta go," she said as her eyes darted around the room looking for the exit. Joss threw the cloth napkin down on the table, stood up and left. She hurriedly left the restaurant leaving Fusco holding his head. He knew he messed up and knew John was going to rip him a new one.

"Dammit," he yelled.

Lionel's hands slammed the table causing Joss's wine glass to topple over and broke it in half, startling the patrons of the restaurant.

He stood up, threw some bills down to cover the check and stormed out of the restaurant.

John and Joss had just gone to pick out a Christmas tree the night before. They didn't get to decorate it because John pulled out the fresh mistletoe they were gifted by the Christmas tree lot's owner, and one thing led to another. They spent the evening making love. This would be their first Christmas together as a married couple. They promised each other that they'd decorate the tree when they both made it home tomorrow night. They even made provision if either one got hung up at work, the other was given cart blanche to decorate any way they pleased. This was incentive to get home as soon as possible.

Joss arrived home before John and sat on the sofa looking up at the tree feeling like she had been kicked in the gut. The last thing on her mind was decorating a Christmas tree. She felt anger rising inside, anxiety building in her chest, and a deep sadness throughout her entire being. She felt betrayed, hurt, and misled. The coolness of her hands tingled as she covered her face with her hands. She inhaled deeply and slowly exhaled as she tried to calm herself down. She poured herself a small glass of brandy only to drink it down and pour another. Joss rarely went to alcohol to try to calm down, but this time felt like an exception was needed. The array of emotions she was currently experiencing made her feel overwhelmed and needed to be dulled.

A couple of hours later Joss heard the key in the door as she stood looking at the tree, brandy still in hand. She spun around to see John coming in with a smile on his face. He was happy to be home. His face dropped when he saw her face.

John continued to call Joss by her last name and title. They had become terms of endearment. When he saw the pain on Joss's face he made a beeline to her.

"Carter what's wrong?"

She stepped back so he couldn't touch her.

"Joss…what's wrong?" John repeated.

She raised her hand to keep him from coming closer. She stood looking at him and took another sip of brandy.

John continued looking puzzled.

With one hand on her hip and the other still wrapped around the glass, "Hmm…" Joss chuckled as she raised her eyebrows.

"Fusco and I had dinner earlier and your…friend opened up to me about how you've saved his life a few times."

John stood silent with a perplexed look on his face. He slowly removed his suit jacket never taking his eyes off her.

"Seems like brown liquor will loosen the tongue," she chuckled more to herself than John.

"Yeah…" she drew out.

"He told me that you killed Detective Davison.

"So that body I dug up a couple of years ago…I was not only covering Fusco's ass but yours too?"

John's mouth fell open.

"Just something you failed to remember to tell me," she shrugged.

Joss took another sip of her brandy.

John swallowed, looked down for a couple of seconds and pursed his lips.

"Davidson had a gun on the back of Fusco's head. I made the only choice I could," he said.

"You also made the choice of not being honest with me by not telling me!" she snapped back.

"Joss the man was about to execute Fusco," John added. "There was nothing else that could be done."

"And you were okay not letting me know. Taking out a crooked cop without arresting him so he could have a fair trial was out of the question?" she asked sarcastically.

John inhaled deeply.

"So, what did Detective James Stills do to get killed?" she asked as she poured more brandy in her glass.

John's tone lowered. "Both were dirty HR cops Joss. Both had murdered innocent people. Stills was about to murder a number and his son. Again, there was nothing else I could do," he explained.

Joss's jaw clenched as she attempted to process this new information.

"So instead of letting the cops take care of their own and allowing Davidson and Stills go through the legal process, you just decided to take matters into your own hands?" she ground out.

"Joss, I explained…" John said exasperated.

"I'm dirty John," she interrupted, as she shrugged and spread her arms to either side.

"I mean, I'm not the clean cop you met at the 8th years ago…"

"Joss, you're nowhere the same as those two and you know it," John said coolly.

"How is it different John?!"

"You know you have never been like those two. And you never could be!" John yelled.

Joss wasn't satisfied with his answer.

"And you lied," she bit out.

"Lied?! When have I ever lied to you?"

"A lie of omission is still a lie!"

John glared at Joss as she took a longer sip of the bronze liquid in her glass.

"I'm out here slipping someone a roofie, changing DNA results, framing someone else for your crimes, digging up dead bodies…son of a bitch…I got duped!"

"Duped? How did you get duped?"

"Honestly right now, John, I'm wondering who the hell I married.

"What?!"

"Right now John, I need to figure this out," she said sternly.

"Figure out what?" John spat out.

He couldn't believe his ears. His emotions began to mirror Joss's. Anger and hurt contended for top position as John's eyes began to tear up. He was hurt that Joss saw him in a different light. She had been the only one to see the good in him and reminded him of it on a regular basis. Whenever Joss saw him questioning himself she made it a point to tell him that he was a 'good man'. Now she was questioning that; she was questioning him. His actions from years ago were now coming back to haunt him. Although he stood in front of his wife sure that he had done the right thing concerning Davidson and Stills, he was devastated that Joss was now questioning her relationship with him.

John felt himself trying to catch his breath.

"I'm the same man I was when I left the house this morning. I'm the same man that killed Bottlecap to keep him from killing you. The same man you trusted enough to save your son. I'm the same man who would have killed Simmons if someone else hadn't gotten to him first because he almost took you away from me."

John squared himself as he continued looking at her, reminding Joss of his love for her.

"I'm the same man you slept with last night. I'm the same man who loves you. Nothing's changed," he said, grateful that the tears in his eyes had yet to fall.

There was a long pause as Joss turned her back to him. She couldn't look at him. She was still so angry and hurt. Logically she knew that John was telling the truth. With both Davidson and Stills being members of HR, she knew that John probably had no choice in the moments he killed them. But even knowing that, her emotions were still raw.

"I'm sorry Joss," John finally said.

"John, I need some space."

"Joss you don't mean…"

"John, I need some space right now…to process all this…please," Joss said. Her voice trailed off revealing the hurt she was experiencing.

"Please," she pled. She hated the crack in her voice that betrayed her tears.

John's jaw clenched as he walked passed her to go upstairs to their bedroom. He came back shortly with a packed gym bag.

"I'll give you some space Joss, but know we're not done. We're not done," he said as he passed her and walked out the front door. John felt like he was re-living the moment when he ran into Jessica at the airport. He couldn't bring himself to ask her to wait for him. As he stood at the elevator doors waiting to leave his wife that familiar feeling rose up inside him. Well this time he would not let Joss push him away. He'd give her some space, some time, but not too long. He would not lose his wife because of this. He knew Joss could be as stubborn as a mule. John would not let pride get in the way of losing the only woman who truly understood him and loved him despite his past. At least, until this point. He refused to go down that rabbit hole of thinking. They will get past this.

John didn't want to be too far from Joss, so he checked in to a nearby hotel, but before doing so he stopped by a nearby bodega to pick up a bottle of whiskey. He looked down at it, and sighed knowing this would be the only company he'd have tonight.