And now for something completely different...

A threesome!

(yes, the different was sarcasm).

(disclaimer; had a full autistic meltdown part way through writing this. If you think something is off... it was probably me.)

Hiccup/Astrid/Mala

Established Hiccstrid couple. Plus Mala. Vague references to open relationships.

-HTTYD-

"Ok, what about him?"

"Judging by the way he's been talking to the barmaids tits all night? Straight."

Hiccup snorted into his drink, wiping beer foam from his upper lip. Astrid was so blunt. He loved it. As a couple who had both experimented with their sexuality in their teenage years, they were comfortable discussing sexuality and, when they were out at a quiet bar where little else was going on, they sometimes did the "gay/straight/bi?" game with strangers.

"Bi guys can like boobs too. Case in point."

Hiccup indicated himself.

"Yeah, but because they've usually talked to a man and not stared at his pecs, they don't tend to hold a conversation with the tit area."

Astrid gestured to her own chest, and just to wind her up. Hiccup pretended to have only just noticed them and stared avidly. She swatted at him, laughing. She scanned the room while sipping her drink.

"Ok. Redhead in the corner."

"Hmm." Hiccup glanced over at the man, observed how he looked around and who at "hard to say."

"Gay."

"Really?"

"Either that or he's half blind. Has barely looked at the hot blonde at the bar who's on a disastrous date."

Hiccup let his eyes wander in that direction, immediately landing on said attractive blonde. Not as attractive as the blonde sat next to him, but still. 'Disastrous' date seemed an apt description, judging by the way the woman was watching the guy she had come in with attempting to chat up the barmaid in between shots of something dark and alcoholic.

"I'm going to get a refill. While I'm gone... Girl sat over by the jukebox."

Astrid knew he was never going to look over there. Not when he could watch her cute hips and butt as she sauntered up to the bar, leaning casually against it and turning to check Hiccup was looking. He was, naturally.

The drunk lech took issue with Astrid talking to the barmaid - as though that wasn't what she was there for, to order drinks from - and Hiccup considered getting up, but was also quite certain his girlfriend had it well in hand. In the space of a minute, drunk asshole was on his knees with Astrid twisting his arm around behind his back. His date of the evening looked really quite amused and therefore disinclined to help.

Released from the death grip, the man scrambled to retrieve the remnants of his pride and run out of the bar. Some form of communication was exchanged between the three women, and the barmaid served Astrid and the other blonde drinks, then both blondes came over.

"Hiccup, meet Mala. Mala, meet Hiccup."

Hiccup stood to shake the woman's hand, at which point he realised something; she was taller than him.

"Hi."

"Hello."

Astrid sat back next to Hiccup, smiled over at their new friend.

"Mala was on a blind date. You can probably guess it wasn't going well."

"I don't know, most of our dates end up with you practicing wrestling moves on me."

Astrid giggled, while Mala looked a little surprised by Hiccup's candid remark but Astrid had this ability to put him at ease. So Mala got that view of him from the get go.

"I saw you two discussing various other patrons of the bar. What is it you were doing?"

Hiccup and Astrid shared a look, but she smiled rather than worried about saying it.

"Guessing their sexuality. It's just a thing we do for laughs sometimes."

Mala raised one slim eyebrow, lifted her drink to her mouth and took a sip.

"Is this a normal British custom?"

Hiccup had recognised her accent as Australian, similar to his grandparents. So perhaps she hadn't been in the UK terribly long.

"Well... it's talked about a lot. I don't know how many people actually sit in bars discussing it though."

"I see. Does that mean you discussed me?"

Astrid shook her head, stole some of Hiccup's drink and sat up a little straighter.

"Hadn't got to you get. We were working the corners and walls. You were in the middle."

"Ah, yes. My companion for the evening was quite attached to the bar. Or was that the lovely lady behind it?"

Hiccup watched Astrid glance over, but he knew that the short redhead lady wasn't Astrid's type. Hiccup was an exception, as his girlfriend generally liked blondes or brunettes, and particularly liked tall ones. He recognised the spark of mischief in her eyes.

"Coulda been both. She's cute and has alcohol. He seemed to like both. Not that you aren't cute, but she's paid to tolerate his rudeness to a point. I suspect you were less forgiving."

Looking slightly bemused, Mala took another sip from her drink, a cocktail Hiccup didn't recognised that smelled sweet, like peaches.

"Quite. And... thank you. I think."

"You're welcome. When did you move from Australia? And yes, I'm always this shy."

That won a chuckle from Mala, who seemed quite happy to humour Hiccup's insatiably curious girlfriend. Hiccup was equally curious, but happy to let the ladies lead the conversation.

"A few years ago now. My last serious relationship was over there, hence the utterly ridiculous debacle you saw occurring. Some of my friends decided I'd been single too long."

"And they hate you enough to put you through that? That would make you want to stay single, surely."

"I am quite sure they will insist he only misbehaves when intoxicated."

"Well that isn't what you want, a guy you can't take anywhere!"

Mala nodded, looking a little distant as she obviously recalled something.

"Quite the opposite of my ex partner. Atali was quite adept at being well behaved, regardless of alcohol consumption."

Hiccup didn't say anything, but he was quite sure Atali was a girls name. Astrid had probably psychically pegged this woman as bisexual from several feet away. She was smart like that.

"My dad's a clumsy drunk. My mom's a giggly drunk. Astrid can range from dangerous drunk to handsy drunk."

"And you?"

Mala asked, taking another taste from her drink. The smell was subtle yet pervasive, and Hiccup had a brief instance of thought about whether or not she would taste like peaches.

"I don't really get drunk. I drink for enjoyment. But I'm probably a clumsy, sleepy drunk if ever I am."

As a few drinks were imbibed, conversation loosened up and flowed with ease. When Astrid got around to asking about Mala's relationship ending, apparently it wasn't a huge painful breakdown, more just a fizzling out between two people who were no longer compatible.

"She was never quite as adventurous as I was."

Astrid, now pleasantly tipsy and occasionally groping Hiccup under the table, giggled.

"I can't tell if you mean sexually or not. That would certainly bore me."

Hiccup was then the subject of a surprisingly intrigued look from Mala. He wasn't sure if he liked it or not, but that might be because after her third drink, Astrid had started periodically squeezing his groin leaving Hiccup half-hard and uncomfortable.

"I did not. I meant that she was always afraid to travel, and living in Australia, I wanted to get out where the wild animals were. We did climb Springsure though."

"I'm not sure what that is."

"It is an extinct volcano. Not the highest summit in the world by any means, but it was very good fun."

Hiccup wanted to continue to engage in the conversation, but he was worried how his voice would come out with Astrid touching him, being increasingly less subtle about it each and every time. If Mala didn't have an inkling, he would be amazed. Every time he tried to subtly move Astrid's hand, she would grip him through his jeans and Hiccup was in danger of truly embarrassing himself.

"Would you excuse me?"

Mala nodded agreeably, but Astrid leaned into him even more.

"Where do you think you're going mister?"

"The bathroom?"

Pouting, Astrid let him up and Hiccup thanked the gods for dim lighting, hoping it sufficiently disguised his erection as he stumbled to the bathroom. The stark lighting in there didn't do him any favours, but at least it was empty and allowed Hiccup to hide in a cubicle, trying to will away his erection now Astrid wasn't groping him.

Mostly successful, Hiccup left the bathroom only to discover their table was empty. Not just of the ladies, but Hiccup and Astrid's things too - his jacket was no longer next to where he had sat. Wondering if it was a practical joke, Hiccup went to ask the barmaid.

"Excuse me, can you tell me where the ladies I was sat with went?"

"They left. Looked quite... friendly. You might be third wheeling."

Understanding the not-terribly-subtle hint, Hiccup had a strong suspicion of what he would find when he went outside. Surprisingly, he only found the two talking. He had once found Astrid literally waiting to drag him into an alleyway threesome with a slim brunette he was pretty sure was called Heather. He was an indulgent boyfriend, apparently, but Hiccup didn't really see a problem if he and Astrid were happy to occasionally play with a friend.

Which was why he now carried condoms almost everywhere.

Astrid gave him the look, the one that asked if Hiccup was happy to take this new person home with them for usually wild night. Hiccup couldn't deny Mala was attractive, and he hadn't only had innocent thoughts about her over the two or three - he wasn't sure, it had all blurred when Astrid began touching him - hours she had spent with them.

So he nodded.

"Told you Hiccup was on board. Are you alright to drive babe?"

Having only had one beer then stuck to soft drinks, Hiccup nodded. Mala had had a couple of drinks, and Astrid several but he knew she had the constitution, plus she wasn't shy about saying she was too drunk to think straight. Or consent to threesomes.

"Mala? Are you drunk?"

"Not at all, why?"

"Just checking."

He didn't want to worry about if she was too drunk to consent. Assuming she was agreeing to what Astrid was insinuating anyway. She was steady on her feet, clear and eloquent when she spoke.

"Given that Mala is huge" Astrid gestured to the very tall lady "I'm gonna hop in the back."

Hiccup had a tall family, so Astrid was used to being relegated to the back seat sometimes as the Haddock families long legs wouldn't fit without the seats pushed back. Mala folded herself into the passenger seat gracefully, Astrid leaning over the back of Hiccup's seat in order to lick his jaw.

"Astrid!"

"What?"

She gave him her best innocent eyes. Even a little lower lip pouting. Hiccup couldn't stay even a little irritated with that face.

"Seatbelt."

Astrid flopped back, strapped herself in and Mala copied, long slender fingers dancing over the dragon bobble heads stuck to the dashboard.

"Very sweet."

"Thanks."

Hiccup started the car, felt as much as heard Astrid shifting about in the backseat and he knew she was hot, aroused by the thought of what could happen that night. That inevitably encouraged the embers of arousal just beginning to stir in Hiccup. Mala was quiet, but in the reflection of windows Hiccup could see she was observing them in her silence.

They pulled up outside Hiccup and Astrid's place, and Hiccup waited a minute, unsure if Mala was really interested in coming in with them or if she had simply been caught up in Astrid's enthusiasm. She answered his silent question with a silent action, unclipping her seatbelt and sliding from the car. Astrid bounded out alongside her, and Hiccup watched his girlfriend leading the guest to their front door excitedly.

It took him a little while to snap out of surprise, and the women were inside before he was done locking the car. When Hiccup caught up to them, he was somewhat surprised to find the two already in the bedroom, Astrid on top of Mala as they kissed hungrily and he felt certain he had missed something.

"Get your cute butt over here would ya?"

"I feel like there's usually a little conversation first?"

Astrid winked, leaning away from Mala just long enough to unbutton her shirt.

"Mala didn't believe you would go along with it, so we couldn't talk to influence you in the car."

That sounded about right for Astrid, Hiccup chuckled to himself.

"Right... Is there a forfeit?"

"Oh, definitely. She's only allowed to watch while I have you first."

Yep, definitely Astrid. There had been similar playful bets between Hiccup and Astrid, though it usually entailed Hiccup being stuck only being allowed to watch while Astrid fucked herself with her fingers or a vibrator. Now Mala was apparently to suffer a similar fate for not believing Hiccup would 'allow' the threesome.

Hiccup kicked off his boots, hung his jacket on the door and crossed the room to their bed, hauled into a kiss by Astrid while Mala laid there observing. He could taste Mala's peach drink on Astrid's lips, tongue slipping out to seek more of the taste until Mala sat up, reached for Hiccup herself and kissed him while be was still breathless. Dizzy and feeling high on the taste of peaches, Hiccup could only blink, dazed.

Astrid tugged at Hiccup's t-shirt, ran a hand down his chest when it was off and hummed appreciatively as they kissed again. Hiccup only got a chance to catch his breath when Astrid turned back to Mala, fingers tangling in blonde hair while others encountered the roadblock of Astrid's hair braid. Hiccup offered a helping hand, loosening the tie and running his fingers through Astrid's blonde locks.

He saw the way Mala's eyes darkened when Astrid moaned softly, tilting her head back to let Hiccup scratch lightly over her scalp, knowing she was pliant and lax under the tingling touches. At his nod, Mala finished removing Astrid's unbuttoned shirt, leaving her top half clad only in her bra and the liquid gold of her hair.

Astrid growled when Hiccup stopped touching her hair, but soon turned her attentions back to Mala and Hiccup was content to simply watch as curious hands explored new skin, testing and delighting in the discovery of sensitive spots, tasting the victory of arousing their partner. Mala was lean, muscular beneath her clothes, though there was a softness in the curve of rounded hips that Hiccup's hands were drawn to as he kissed her shoulder, met Astrid's lips near her neck and Mala arched, purring between the two as they mapped her.

Clothes quickly shed until all were in only underwear, Hiccup's fingers were the first to slide through Mala's short blonde hair, cock twitching when she whined low in her chest, gave a throaty plea for him to pull on the strands. He was often hesitant to initiate rougher touches, but when he complied Mala moaned outright, twisting almost painfully to chase the contact as Astrid nipped the exposed skin of her neck.

She was not their first, Hiccup and Astrid learned in the art of sharing anothers body between them and it seemed Mala appreciated this fact immensely. Astrid had not forgotten the wagers forfeit though, and with initial reluctance that faded with the knowledge he was about to have sex with his girlfriend, Hiccup pulled away from Mala entirely, watched her face betray the protest of being left while Hiccup and Astrid came together next to her. Astrid grabbed a condom from the bedside, sheathing Hiccup's cock the second she freed it from his boxers.

"Told you. Watch. If you're good, you get him. And trust me" Astrid slipped off her briefs, easing herself down Hiccup's shaft with no preamble "he's worth it."

Hiccup could only lie there and try to remember how to breathe again, Astrid's tight heat a satin vice on his cock. She reached up and slid her bra off; Astrid was never shy to display her body, whether they were alone or with an audience. Hiccup used his arms to shift his upper body, sitting against the pillows better as Astrid rode him. He knew her states of desire, from craving intimacy to desperate to be fucked. This particular state was simply taking the edge off; Astrid had every intention of enjoying their companion of the night more, but she needed to come first, take the burning edge from her need so her mind could focus again.

The view alone was spectacular; Astrid was gorgeous, hungry and feral in this state and Hiccup was the willing victim of her fire. Her pace was blistering, quick and hard and Hiccup could barely contain himself with every slam of her ass against his thighs, the aching loss followed by the sweet feeling of her hot and wet around him. In the brief seconds he could tear his eyes away from Astrid groping at her own breasts, he could see Mala squirming, flushed and wanting next to them.

The sounds Astrid made were filthy, utterly indecent and Hiccup was enthralled by every single one, her breathy moans like lightning down his spine. It was a fast and functional fuck, but Hiccup was hooked on the sight of Astrid riding him and tried to hold out, sustain the high until he could take it no longer. Astrid reached Valhalla with him, helped by his fingers against her clit and her own against her nipples.

"Mmm, I needed that. Thanks babe."

Hiccup could only chuckle breathlessly between ragged pants as he fought to return to Earth, gripping the condom so Astrid could dismount him.

"Anytime milady."

He sat up to ditch the condom and wipe off residual mess, unsurprised Astrid was already busy removing the last stitches of Mala's clothing to leave her as naked as them. Well, once Hiccup got rid of the boxers Astrid had merely moved out of the way. He felt a momentary self-consciousness for his skinny build, but Mala didn't appear to have any complaints and Hiccup knew Astrid had none.

There was something to be said for watching Astrid with another person, simply because Hiccup was often too distracted by his own arousal (or prevented by angles) to appreciate things like the way Astrid's spine curved, cat-like and sensual when she slid up Mala's body, or the way her cute little ass stuck up in the air when she lifted to take in Mala's quivering form.

"You just watching?"

"For now. You looked like you were having fun."

Astrid's mouth tipped into a smirk, hair already shifting from "just down" to "sex hair" as she turned back to exploring Mala's body with eager hands and hungry mouth. Mala writhed and moaned when Astrid's attentions reached her chest, ample breasts apparently quite sensitive to Astrid's thumbs across her nipples, fingers tweaking and mouth suckling at the pebbled peaks.

Not one to hang around, Astrid's mouth soon slid further down and Mala arched, gasping in pleasure (Hiccup assumed, fairly certain Astrid's mouth would be as sinful for Mala as it was for Hiccup) when the blonde head settled neatly between trembling thighs. Mala beckoned Hiccup closer too, reaching for his slowly-reawakening cock and guiding him to where she could take him within her mouth. Hiccup's head fell back, groaning at the soft warmth, nimble tongue darting over his glans.

When he looked back down, Astrid's eyes were hot on his from where she was giving equal attentions to Mala. Cock pulsing hard, Hiccup pulled back when he saw the flush extending down Mala's neck and chest, the tensing muscles of her stomach and thighs. He knew it was a dangerous game to let someone continue sucking him as they neared or achieved climax, nor did he want to come again just yet.

"Fuck! Yes..."

Her passionate cry trailed off into a hiss as Astrid continued to tease her, carrying Mala through the climax until her shaking limbs pushed weakly at blonde hair, panting breaths forming words that pleaded for mercy.

Astrid let Mala come down - literally, her body falling limply to the bed - before leaping at Hiccup, kissing him deeply, shoving her tongue in his mouth to share Mala's taste between them and rutting against his erection for good measure. Then she was whispering in his ear, fingers wrapping around his cock to stroke teasingly.

He nodded, but they both knew Mala needed a little slower handling right now, else she might become almost numb from overstimulation. Encouraging her up onto shaking knees, Hiccup took the front while Astrid took the back, the memory of her enjoying rough hands in her hair spurring Hiccup to use nails instead of fingers on her sides, to graze teeth rather than lips over a sensitive collarbone, to suck harshly at her swollen nipples.

Mala could barely stay upright, held there only by Astrid's hand in her hair, Hiccup's nails dug into her waist and back. They avoided going for anything lower, letting the heat smoulder until Mala was tough in turn. Her nails left fire on Hiccup's shoulder, and Astrid gasped when Mala's hand reached back to squeeze her soft backside.

He heard Astrid murmur what they wanted from her in Mala's ear, a breathy whisper that made her whimper. Mala nodded eagerly, moved agreeably into the positions dictated, waited patiently for Hiccup to retrieve a fresh condom.

"Let us know if it gets too much, ok?"

Mala gave another nod, quivering with anticipation as she waited for Hiccup to sheath his cock, grip her hips and guide himself inside her. He bit his lip, savouring the novelty of a body that wasn't Astrid's, but it was always just that - a novelty. It was the same for Astrid - she liked to fuck girls, but neither would choose it over each other.

Astrid spread her thighs, inviting Mala to go down on her and she did not waste such an opportunity. Hiccup made sure to grip her hips tight, not sure Mala could focus on staying on all fours between Astrid and Hiccup, even with Hiccup's cock to anchor her in place. This was a favourite position of theirs, as Astrid thrived and writhed with the vibrations of someone moaning against delicate skin, of someone mindless with arousal devouring her. Hiccup got to watch the show and fuck the willing human between them, who got to enjoy them both.

It was a win-win-win really.

Mala took to it beautifully, pushing back to encourage Hiccup's pace when he started thrusting, her moans muffled but still in concert with Astrid's, both blondes grappling for purchase. Mala gripped Astrid's thigh while Astrid grabbed a handful of pillow and offered Hiccup a sexy smirk before her face went slack with pleasure again.

His nails tightened on her hip and Mala tightened on his cock, surfacing for air to breathe the word "harder" for him, then resuming her avid attentions to Astrid. Unsure if she meant to fuck her or hold her harder, Hiccup did both and Mala devolved like a primal beast between them. Astrid didn't even seem to mind the loss of a damp tongue on her clit as she watched Mala come, swearing and bucking into Hiccup, skin tearing beneath his nails and Astrid, in a fit of inspiration, leant forward and bit Mala on the shoulder.

Hiccup fely the aftershocks that wracked her, spasms around his pulsing cock and the softening gasps as Mala struggled to breathe through the pleasure. Realising neither Hiccup or Astrid had come, Mala even kindly moved to slump, panting and quaking, to their side. Hiccup ditched the condom he was wearing and Astrid grabbed him before he could put on another; they'd fluid-bonded months ago but usually used condoms when someone else was in their bed.

It wouldn't take much for either of them, Astrid molten and Hiccup nearly fit to burst as he slipped inside his lover. Astrid gripped him, reached up and kissed him. She still tasted like Mala, like peaches and lust and Hiccup licked her lips, thrust deeper into her and gods did she respond, arching and rolling her hips in time with his. The dance was one they'd done a thousand times, well practiced and both were teetering on the precipice.

Astrid broke first, an almost-silent moan leaving swollen, parted lips as she curled into Hiccup, arms tight on his shoulders until she melted beneath him. An impatient wriggle was her signal for Hiccup to finish and he was powerless to deny her, vision going white as his blood pounded hot. He was slow to pull out, nuzzling her cheek, her lips and Astrid giggled lightly. Hiccup eventually sat back on the bed, sticky and sweaty and undeniably satisfied.

Mala looked between the two, and Hiccup recognised that look well. The uncertainty when the hormones began to fade.

"If you want to leave, I'll drive you home. If you wanna stay the night, then you're welcome to."

Astrid stretched, making a sound of agreement.

"Mhmm. Plus if you stay we can go round two in the morning."

She didn't really need much more encouragement to spend the night, and after drinks and clean ups Hiccup couldn't help but be amused by that smug expression Astrid got when she was cuddled on both sides.

He was woken by Astrid kneeling next to him, a hot mouth on his morning wood and Mala's green eyes a mischievous gleam from around groin level. Indulging his girlfriend had some wonderful perks.

Bolstered by them inviting her to spend the night and the vigorous sexual antics of the morning, Mala was chatty and at ease with them that morning as Hiccup made breakfast while Astrid made drinks. She even befriended their cat, Toothless, who was used to the occasional morning stranger that smelled of his owners and draped himself over her lap, mewling for attention.

Astrid came with them when Hiccup drove her home, leaning to curl around the passenger seat with a coy smile.

"We should trade numbers."

Mala played along.

"Whatever for?"

"Well, you might have more terrible dates we can rescue you from."

-HTTYD-

I can count on no hands how many times I've been satisfied with the ending of a one shot or a fic. Because I never am. But hey, I wrote y'all some smut so leave me reviews? They are author motivation!

(I've been asked this alot recently; I do still take prompts, but they have to br actual prompts. Not just 1x2x3. Give me a premise. A sexual position. A morning after line. Something!)