Author's notes:

Sorry. Got sick. Didn't feel like writing. Got back into Star Trek. Didn't feel like writing for Doctor Who.

This is a shorter chapter. I decided to break this chapter into two sections because there was a clear point to break them and I thought they'd each be better off as their own chapters.

Remember how last chapter was dark? Ha, yeah. This one's worse.

WARNINGS: GRAPHIC DESCRIPTIONS. DEATH. SEXUAL ASSAULT. CRUDE DESCRIPTIONS. ANXIETY AND FEELINGS OF WORTHLESSNESS.

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Chapter Twenty Six: The Nightmare Paradigm

Part Four

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Family gatherings were always painful.

Always.

No matter how hard we all tried, dinner was always awkward. You and those obscure relatives that you generally tried to forget were kin crammed in around the table together, tried to make civil conversation; except no one could quite agree exactly what civil meant.

Somehow, despite your best efforts, you'd always end up sandwiched between that one great-aunt that's been a smoker for the last forty years and your cousin that doesn't know how to chew with his mouth closed.

Then, of course, someone would steer the conversation to poorly-considered political standings, and mom would cast warning glances at me from across the table.

Eat your food. Keep your mouth shut. Don't start a fight.

Why it was my responsibility to hold my tongue, I would never understand. They started it. Their talk was hurting me. I was cramped. Angry. Miserable.

The fact that everyone else at the table was dead certainly didn't help.

Their flesh was long past the wet, maggot-ridden rot that usually filled my nightmares. It was dry. Weathered and shrunken to the bone. Near transparent. Tendons and sinew stretched and creaked beneath their skin, threatening to snap under the strain of marionetting their bones about without the support of muscle. They jerked their forks to their mouths like puppets, skin creaking like dry leather as the food went into their loose, lipless mouths.

Just sit and eat, I told myself. My heart scrabbled at my rib cage like a frightened mouse. I tried to reason with it. Just get through it. It'll be over soon.

Where the company lacked, the food flourished. Everything on our plates was bright and colorful; the wonderful smells almost covered that of death, which clung stubbornly to the air like stale perfume. Normally, the array of rolls, beans, potatoes, and meat would have my mouth watering, but my appetite was nowhere to be found.

My grandmother's jaw cracked and dropped off, landing in her jello salad. She didn't seem to notice. Her dark, crisp tongue wriggled around the empty space like a half-dried worm. Licked at the cracked gums surrounding the top row of teeth.

I wanted to be away from here. The door was only a few feet away. They couldn't stop me. I could be outside and deep in the safety of the woods before they even realized I had gone. So why didn't I?

I was frozen. One hand glued to my fork, the other locked around the napkin. My legs didn't work. I don't want to be here!

This way, a voice breathed, scarcely audible above the creak of half-mummified flesh. This way.

I tried to turn my head to find the source. My neck was too stiff to move it. The voice echoed all around me, but was a long, long way away.

This way.

The whisper wrapped itself around me like a warm breeze. I buried my mind in it, allowed it to melt the ice in my veins. I managed to drop the fork. The napkin.

This way.

My great-aunt's thin leather skin sloughed away when my shoulder brushed her arm. I grit my teeth and stood anyway. My cousin's bobbled head lurched back to follow me, deflated eyes twitching in their sockets.

Dreamy slowness clung to my limbs like syrup, but I kept moving. The door was further away than I remembered.

This way.

My mom tutted in disapproval, teeth rattling loose.

My hand curled around the doorknob.

My dad stood to follow me, knocking Geordie's arm out of socket as he lumbered around the table. I heaved on the door, frantic, yet somehow guilty. Should I really leave Charlie and Geordie alone with them? I wasn't sure I could, anyway. The door was so heavy.

This way.

The door swung open. I didn't glance back. I loved them, but it was time to go.

The corridors of the TARDIS stretched before me. They were darker than I ever remembered, even more so than when I first arrived and they were abandoned, decorated by decades of neglect. They were empty. I was lost. There were no markers of any kind, no familiar rooms or doorways. Just a never ending twist of halls. Darkness creeped from the walls, sinking frozen fingers into my heart and claiming it as its own.

I was going to die here. I was certain of it, despite not knowing what would be the cause. I was alone, and no one was going to help me this time. I choked on the sobs that bubbled up from my chest, on blind despair.

This way.

The voice was closer than before. My heart leapt. I started running, not sure if it was the right way or not. Maybe it didn't matter. I just had to keep moving, that's it. Just keep moving and…

Something small darted out from the shadows, directly under my feet. I wasn't able to stop.

Crunch!

I lifted my foot in dismay. The remains of little Geronimo the mouse stuck to my shoe like a massive wad of gum. A wail of grief and horror ripped from my throat. The poor thing had popped like a balloon. Tiny bones and a splatter of guts were all that was left.

This way.

Poor baby. There was nothing I could do for him now. Crying, I tried to wipe off the clot of fur and gore from my shoe. He smeared.

This way.

Frantic, I toed off my shoe and left it behind. Guilt weighed on my soul. It was an accident, but it was still my fault. I couldn't bear to stay and clean him up.

I ran on.

I ran on.

I ran straight into something worse than a nightmare.

A memory.

The military men looked up from their maps and diagrams expectantly when I strode back into the room. Their eyes flickered over my shoulder, looking for the Doctor. Inwardly, I quailed, but I fought with every morsel of strength in my tiny, 5'1'' body to keep it from showing.

"Where's the Doctor?"' The General demanded, watching with his beady eyes narrowed.

"He's busy," I said, keeping my tone emotionless and clipped.

"Busy?!" He closed the distance between us with two quick strides so that he towered over me. "What the hell could he possibly be doing that's more important than this?"

They couldn't know what he was doing. They'd try to stop him. "That's his business."

"Business," he sneered. "Business. So what? He sends his doxy to settle things? To make it up to me?" he chuckled, loud and cruel. "But lending me his toy ain't gonna settle the score. Shame, though. I'd bet you'd squeal like nothin' else. Sorry, sweetheart, but I don't have time to take up that offer."

"Stop laughing," I snapped. My skin crawled at his words, but I couldn't give up now. "You know damn well that's not what he meant. The Doctor told me what-"

He slapped me. Hard.

I stumbled back in shock, nursing my stinging cheek.

He'd hit me.

I had gotten stronger over the months of travelling with the Doctor. Tougher. Emotionally and physically. I'd been hit before, of course, but this time it was different. I was alone. There was no Doctor to sweep in and fix it. I couldn't help the way my face crumpled as hot, angry tears streamed down my cheeks, nor could I stop the hysterical sob that tore from my lungs.

The General grinned. Triumphant. A few of his lackeys looked uncomfortable or sheepish, but others snickered.

I turned and stalked away, burning hot with shame. Out in the hallway, I struggled to center myself. I was torn. Go back into that room and face those horrible people? Or interrupt the Doctor and endure his disappointment?

The Doctor had been disappointed with me before. After he had lashed out when I initially refused to confront the Chronomite in China, he had made an effort to never vocalize it, but I could see it on his face. It made his eyebrows furrow and his eyes darken and go blank. It was the only thing worse than being laughed at like the General had. I had fought tooth and nail to never be on the receiving end of his disappointment, and yet here I was again.

Tears ran down my face, unchecked, and luckily, unseen. I was useless. I had only just started to convince the Doctor otherwise. But deep down, I was still a little girl. A little girl trying desperately to fill shoes that were much too big for her.

I was alone, and I didn't know what to do.

Come to me.

The voice was so close now. It was whispered into my ear. My heart filled with hope. Maybe there was a third option, after all. I sprang to my feet and sprinted down the hall, away from the General and his crude laughter, away from the Doctor and his chagrin.

This way.

Come to me.

Closer.

Closer.

I was so caught up in the voice, in the promise of safety, that I didn't notice when my surroundings changed to the lower deck of a ship. Didn't notice them surrounding me, cutting off my escape until it was too late.

The pirates grasped at me. I shrieked when they pushed me to the ground. Their filthy hands groped my breasts, wandered between my legs and squeezed. I cried out for help. For the Doctor. For anyone. Hot breath clouded the air around my face. I choked on it, and then again as a hand closed around my throat.

This way.

Then they were gone. I sat up, gasping for air. I rubbed my arms, trying to ward away the crawling sensation of being dirty, the one that dreams of the pirates always left behind.

Closer.

I staggered to my feet. Turned. Screamed.

They were still here, but in pieces. Ching Shih had their heads hacked off for their crimes. They rolled around on the deck as the ship tilted in the waves. Blood stained the wood. Maggots dripped from their eyes. Teeth were bumped out of place and left behind like a trail of bread crumbs.

Almost there.

I wasn't sure if they'd deserved it or not.

Closer.

But either way, it was my fault.

This way.

And it had been a lie, hadn't it? They hadn't actually… They were going to, but they hadn't.

Be with me.

I turned to find the voice again, sure that I was about to see the source. It was so close now that it seemed to come from within me.

A Chronomite reared before me. It slashed through my chest before I could react. I felt the pain. Felt my heart stop. Blood spurted from the gaping wound. I staggered back, gripping my chest. When I pulled my hands away, they were clean. The Chronomite and the wound were both gone.

Together.

Glagig was pinned screaming to the ground, Kahpreench kneeling on his chest. With a knife of bone, he gouged out the anthropologist's eyes.

Safe.

Glagig's head rolled away. Maggots leaked from his eye sockets. From his mouth.

Be with me.

A head was jammed on a spike.

This way.

It belonged to the Doctor.

Be with me.

Blue eyes fogged over in death.

Be with me.

A Chronomite swallowed Geordie whole.

Be with me.

Charlie was ripped to bits.

Be with me.

"STOP!" I begged, clamping my hands over my ears and screwing my eyes shut, trying to block it all out. The din only grew louder. Horrible images flashed faster before my eyes. I shuddered with sobs, unable to take a moment more. "Stop it stop it stop it!"

All at once, it all stopped. My ears popped. Silence had fallen so heavily that it was almost as painful as the noise. It took all my strength to pry my hands away from my head and open my eyes.

I was somewhere new, now; somewhere I had never been before. It was a dark, empty place. Quiet, so quiet. There was only the sound of my breathing, thin and quick. My heart wavered feebly in my ears. Slow. Much too slow. Each beat threatened to be the last. A thick, heavy fog swirled around my feet, bleached white and glowing.

Save for the dark void surrounding me, a beautiful, pure light poured softly ahead. It was as warm as sunlight, more mysterious than that of the moon. It called to me. I felt it reach out, take my hands, and start to bundle me within its embrace. I was so relieved; I had been so frightened, so alone, that I couldn't help but sob for joy. I could be safe now. I could rest.

Buffy!

A familiar voice shattered the peace that I had been filled with. It was different than the one that had been luring me through the hellscape, and probably the only one that could call me back through it.

Come back to me. The Doctor's voice was laden with pain and desperation. Don't leave. Stay with me.

I turned away from the light and gazed into the darkness, looking for him.

Come back to me, Buff. Please. Please don't go.

The light tried to pull me back into it, but my mind was made up. I trusted the Doctor implicitly, and if he said I needed to come back, I would. Without thought or regret, I plunged back into the night.

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There was darkness. Inky. Eternal. It went on forever.

Sounds. Garbled voices. Anger. Shock. Panic. Somehow, I didn't feel bothered by any of them. They sounded like a nuisance, like a fly buzzing round and round my head. I wanted to swat them away angrily, but couldn't seem to locate my arms.

I was being cradled. Held close in someone's lap. Their arms wrapped around me, clutching me to their chest. There was a pressure on my lips. My whole body tingled pleasantly. Numb and buzzing like a live wire.

I managed to force my eyes open a crack. Gold fingers of light streamed around lazily like living creatures, playful and carefree as ribbons caught in a gentle breeze. They danced around the Doctor's face, touching his eyes and illuminating them a glorious, electric blue. He held me close, brushed the hair from my face with a tenderness I'd never known anywhere else.

His nose brushed mine, holding my gaze. His breath caressed my cheeks, warm and real. He whispered to me, soft comforting little nothings spoken in a language I didn't understand. There was pain in his eyes. I tasted the salt from his tears.

"It's alright, now, Buff," he murmured, pressing his lips to my forehead. "You're safe. I've got you."

I tried to snuggle closer, but found that I couldn't move much besides leaning my head into his shoulder. He seemed to understand what I wanted, though, and held me tighter.

Sadness and loss gripped my heart, but I wasn't sure it was mine alone.

"It's so lonely," I rasped, my voice so weak and hoarse that I barely recognized it. Tears pricked at the corners of my eyes. "It's so fucking lonely."

"Hush," the Doctor murmured, tucking my head under his chin. I could feel his hearts beating in his throat. "Don't try to talk. I'll take care of it. You just rest."

There was still a dull pain around my throat, right underneath my chin where my head met my neck; where the rope had dug in and choked the life from me. Each breath was a struggle, but as the gold ribbons lapped across my head and neck, they came easier.

If I had been a little more coherent, I would've rebuked him for wasting his regeneration energy on me. Thanked him, then, for thinking I was worthy of it. He had never seemed more alien than he did in that moment. It was an awesome sight, truly. A Time Lord in all his glory, his futile attempts to blend in with humanity shrugged away like a second skin.

He was beautiful.

I wanted to tell him, then. The words were in my mind, all I had to do was conduct them to my mouth. Damn the timelines. Damn if he would never feel the same for me. I loved him, and I wanted him to know.

I love you.

I sank away from consciousness with the words echoing through my dreams, never having once touched my lips.

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I'm updating this on my phone (can't find my laptop charger), so I'm not going to directly respond to comments this time bc it's kind of a pain to go back and forth on my phone. I'll probably respond to them next chapter. Until then, thanks to all who read and reviewed!