Welcome, one and all, to the sequel to the critically acclaimed story 11 Kids and Counting, where you will see footage so shocking that I am kind of ashamed to have written it. This is not a oneshot but it's not really a full story either. All told it's just over 18,000 words, which makes it far shorter than most of my stuff but much longer than the first. It will be broken into three chapters.

I want to state upfront that I am not attacking Christians or Christianity. I, myself, am an agnostic, but I was raised in a Christian environment and to this day am sympathetic to Christian beliefs. I am attacking hypocrisy, first and foremost, and Christianity, just like any other organized religion (or institution in general) is teeming with it.

In this story, I also make fun of the media, and at one point Lisa goes on an epic rant about society that I think you all may enjoy.

Anyway, I hope you enjoy the story. - Flagg1991.

Counting all the assholes in the room

Well I'm definitely not alone, well I'm not alone

You're a liar, you're a cheater, you're fool

Well that's just like me and I know you too

- Volbeat (Still Counting, 2008)

Lyrics to Love at First Feel by AC/DC (1976)

Dramatic music plays as a man emerges from the shadows of a soundstage made to resemble a talk show set. He wears a suit and sunglasses, his hair slicked back and his face heart-stoppingly handsome. He flashes a winning smile. "Hi, I'm Flagg1991 for A Present Event. Eight months ago, right here, you saw the Loud family of Royal Woods, Michigan. What you did not see is the footage deemed too explicit for TV."

He turned to another camera. "But you will tonight on 11 Kids and Counting: The Lost Tapes. Viewer discretion is advised."

Light, airy piano music plays as a van pulls into the parking lot of a grocery store. It slides into a spot, stops, and Rita Loud gets out of the driver seat, stumbling slightly and laughing. "I always forget how big that step is," she slurs into the camera. "Alright, kids."

The side door opens and all of the Loud children spill out, Lori first and Lincoln last; he wears an orange polo shirt tucked neatly into tan slacks. Lori wears a blue dress that stops just above her knees. They look as though they've just come from church even though it's Monday afternoon.

Rita sitting in front of a blue backdrop. RITA LOUD - 41 says a text box across the bottom of the screen. Her eyes are bleary and unfocused, and when she speaks, her voice is thick and slurred. "When you got as many kids as I do, grocery shopping can be a little difficult." She holds her thumb and forefinger an inch apart.

In the store, Rita pushes a cart down an aisle. Lola, Lana, and Lisa flank either side, Lily sitting in the back and kicking her legs. Lola spots something on one of the shelves, gasps, and rushes over. "Can we get this?" she asks, holding up a pack of cookies.

"No, we have cookies at home."

Moments later, Leni comes up holding a bag of chips. "Hey, Mom, can we get this?"

"No, that's junk."

At the end of the aisle, Lynn Jr. streaks by pushing a cart, Luna standing in it with bent knees and arms out like a woman surfing. "Rock and roll!" she screams; she makes the devil horns with both hands and sticks her tongue out. Rita sighs and casts a longing glance at the liquor cooler.

"I want red juice," Lola says.

"I want blue juice," Lana says.

"Red."

"Blue."

Lola shoves her sister, and Lana shoves her back, knocking her into a shelf that collapses; bread, bagels, and buns rain down onto her and the floor. Rita tenses...then keeps going, disappearing around the corner while Lola blinks and rights her crown.

LANA - 6. "Lola's a bitch." The little girl sits sullenly in front of the backdrop, her arms crossed and a sulky expression on her face. "She's obsessed with the way she looks. It's sinful."

The scene cuts to Lola walking down an aisle. "A girl has to look her best," she says into the camera. "I like attention, especially from boys, and since I can't get it elsewhere, I get it from my brother."

Lincoln is standing at a candy display. As she passes behind him, she grins alluringly and bats her eyelashes. "Hi, Lincy."

He looks over his shoulder, his eyes flicking up and down her body, and nods. "Hey, Lola. You look nice today."

Lola's grin widens. "Thank you, Lincy."

"He knows just what to say," Lola says as the camera follows her into the next aisle over, where Lucy has a little girl in pigtails cornered next to a cardboard display of batteries. The little girl's face is white and her eyes are wide with terror.

"You're a harlot," Lucy snarls, "and harlots go to hell." She starts to move in but Lola passes and she goes rigid, her head whipping toward the camera. "I-I was just witnessing," she says, "that's all." The little girl brushes past Lucy and runs, the sound of her hysterical sobbing trailing behind her.

Backdrop. LUCY - 8. "The sin I see on a daily basis enrages me. Sometimes it's a struggle to keep from going full Old Testament."

A school hallway, Lucy walking with her books pressed to her chest. Kids watch her warily, a few of them scattering to get out of her way. A group of girls in short shorts and tight tank tops cluster around a locker, talking and laughing. When they see Lucy, they fall completely silent and hurriedly look away, fear in their eyes. The corners of Lucy's mouth twitch up in a demonic smile.

Three days a week, Lucy and her younger sisters attend a children's Bible study at the Methodist church. Lucy's unique outlook puts her at odds with her peers.

Kids sit around a circular table with Bibles open in front of them. Lucy sits rigid, her hands folded in her lap. A woman in a denim dress stands over a little girl reading a verse about love and acceptance. Before she can finish, Lucy butts in. "You're misinterpreting it. Intentionally." The woman and the little girl both look at her. "You're a liar. Here's a Bible verse for you. Revelation 21:8. But the cowardly, the unbelieving, the vile, the murderers, the sexually immoral, those who practice magic arts, the idolaters and all liars—they will be consigned to the fiery lake of burning sulfur. This is the second death."

The woman sits in front of the backdrop now. AGNES JOHNSON, SUNDAY SCHOOL TEACHER. "Lucy frightens the other children, and frankly, she frightens me as well. I've spoken to her parents but they don't seem to think there's a problem." She smiles tightly.

LYNN SR. - 43. "Lucy's a good girl," he says, "she might be a little overzealous, but that's fine, there's nothing wrong." His face is hard, his voice challenging.

Hidden camera footage shows Lucy standing at Lily's crib in the middle of the night, her arms lank at her sides and her head slightly bowed. Lily is curled up on her side with her thumb in her mouth, sleeping peacefully and innocently. "You're a sinner," Lucy says lowly, "and one day I will smite thee."

Back at the store, the camera follows Luna as she makes her way past the coolers along the back wall, passing meats, cheeses, and rows of milk. "I asked Sam out today," she says, "and she said yes." A big smile spreads across her face. "Rockin, huh?" Up ahead, Leni is rummaging through a shelf of yogurt, her hip propping the door open. "I'm really stoked. We're going to the movies later; I'm totally gonna finger her. Then I'm gonna come home and rub it all over Dad's shit. Eeee, gay woman juice."

Elsewhere, Lincoln moseyes down an aisle with his hands in his pockets, stopping before a rack of condoms. Lola pokes her head around the corner, sees him, and grins evilly. Acting casual, she comes up behind him and leans in. "What'cha lookin' at, Lincy?"

Lincoln jumps a little. "N-Nothing," he stammers.

Lola leans in and squints. "It doesn't look like nothing. It looks like dirty stuff."

Backdrop. LINCOLN - 11. "It pains me to see prophylactics. It's kind of a...trigger. I believe sex and love are inextricably linked, and should only be had between two people within the holy union of marriage. Condoms and other forms of birth control promote cheap encounters and are designed, by their very nature, to impede that which is natural and good."

In the store, Lincoln looks suspiciously around, then grabs a pack of Trojans and tucks them under his shirt. He rushes away from the scene of the crime and smiles to himself. He rounds a corner and stops when he sees his mother slipping a bottle of vodka into the cart and covering it with a large package of chicken. She turns, and their eyes lock. For a moment, nothing happens, then she takes a deep breath. "Don't tell anyone."

"Mom," he says seriously, "you really shouldn't be drinking." He goes over, his steps slow, deliberate, lending him a cold, calculating appearance. "It's sinful."

Rita's eyes harden. She reaches into her purse, pulls out a ten dollar bills, and holds it out. Lincoln hesitates, then takes it and shoves it into his pocket. "Bottoms up," he says and walks away.

Outside, he helps her load grocery bags into the back of the van. When they are finished, she slams the door. "Alright, that's that," she says in a cheery voice that sounds painfully artificial; she glances over her shoulder at the camera and smiles.

Lynn Sr. in front of the backdrop. "Cooking for so many people can be challenging. Every night I'm reminded of the miracle of the five loaves and two fish." He laughs.

In the kitchen, Lynn stands in front of the stove in a pink apron. Lana walks past, following Charles the dog. "Tonight I'm making my famous beans and franks," Lynn says, "it's always a hit at church potlucks."

He continues speaking as the camera zooms in toward the living room: Lynn Jr. sits on the edge of the couch, her elbows propped on her knees and her face in her hands. Lincoln enters and sits next to her, his hand going to her back. She turns her head and he smiles. "I'm sorry about last night," he says, his voice barely audible over his father's yammering. "I think we should pray."

Lynn nods after a moment. Taking her hand, Lincoln gets to his feet and leads her up the stairs, an evil smile on his face.

LYNN JR. - 13. Her brow is furrowed. "Of course I know what Proverbs 26:11 says. As a dog returns to its vomit, so fools repeat their folly." She laughs nervously. "Why would you bring that up?"

Hidden camera footage: Lynn and Lincoln kneeling side-by-side next to Lincoln's bed, their elbows resting on the mattress and their hands folded. Lynn's head is bowed and her lips move silently; Lincoln's head is turned, his predatory eyes boring into her. She begins to cry softly, and he lays his hand on her back; she stiffens under his touch. "I-I don't know what came over me," she sobs, "I'm so sorry, Linc. We're going to hell and it's my fault."

Lincoln scoots away from the bed and gets behind her; her slips his hands into her hair and presses his body against hers. "I don't care about that...call me wicked, but I want you again."

"I want you too," she moans in misery.

He kisses the nape of her neck. "Then don't fight it. We're already damned. Might as well enjoy the ride."

In the kitchen, Lynn Sr. laughs. "It's my father's recipe, actually. He loved cooking out, and every time he did, he'd make beans and franks for a side. It's comfort food for me, and inexpensive."

Lynn kneels on her hands and knees in the middle of Lincoln's bed, her butt thrust up and her shorts around her ankles. Her moist, pink center is spread and her head is bowed, her thick brown hair hanging in her face. Lincoln puts his hands on her hips and prods her opening with the purple tinged head of his dick. "I-I want it fast," she says.

Gripping her, he slams his dick deep into her body, and she jumps.

RITA - 41. Her eyes are bloodshot and her hair sticks out. "Feeding the family," she slurs, "takes a loooooot of...patience." Her words come slow, cumbersome. "The kids bitch and complain every night. We don't want beans and franks. Booo-hooo-hooo."

"How much have you had to drink today, Rita?" a voice asks off screen.

Rita squints against the glare of the lights. "I haven't had anything to drink," she says thickly, "why would you even...why would you even say I did that?"

"Because you're obviously drunk."

Rita purses her lips. "I am not drunk," she says with a slow, clumsy shake of the head. "Actually," she says and holds up a finger, "I am." She nods with great severity. "Drunk on Scripture."

Lincoln ruts roughly into his sister, his hips flying back and forth. She starts to shudder as her orgasm hits, and with a groan, Lincoln pulls out and shoots hot jizz onto her back; it lands on her shirt and soaks into the fabric.

When Lucy speaks from the doorway, they both startle. "If you weren't going to hell before, you are now."

Lincoln whips around, his face contorting in demonic rage. "What the fuck, don't you knock?"

"I did," Lucy replies, "you didn't answer and I heard moaning. I thought you were dying and I wanted to watch. Dinner's ready."

LUNA - 15. She slouches in a chair with her arms crossed. "After I came out, Mom and Dad talked to me, gave me that 'hate the sin, love the sinner' crap. Kind of an insult, you know? Like...the way I feel for Sam is a sin?" She looks around as if in confusion. "Fuck that. While they're having their little family dinner, pretending Mom isn't drunk as a skunk and Dad doesn't pick up women online, I'm going to the movies with Sam."

The camera follows Sam and Luna as they make their way down the sidewalk. Sam is dressed in red jeans and a denim jacket over a white tank top, and Luna in a purple skirt and shirt. Sam giggles at something Luna says, and Luna gives the camera a sidelong glance. Oh yeah, it seemed to say, I'm so gonna score.

SAM - 15. Sam sits nervously in front of the backdrop. "Uh, I know her family's really religious...and that's fine, I don't have anything against religion. She's really sweet and I already like her alot." She covers her face with her hands and giggles. "This is really embarrassing, can you cut this from the show, please?"

Luna and Sam stand in a line outside a movie theater. "Which one do you wanna see?" Luna asks.

"Um, I don't really care," Sam says, "anything's fine with me."

"Yeah?" Luna grins. "What about 12 Roses? It's a romance." She speaks the last three words in a singong voice, her eyes half-lidding.

Sam blushes and nods. "Okay, yeah, I'm down."

Luna in front of the backdrop, a mischievous smile on her face. "Not down like I'm gonna be." She makes a V with the fore and middle finger of her right hand, holds it to her mouth, and flicks her tongue out. She lifts her other arm over her head and spins it like a cowgirl with a lasso, her hips rocking back and forth.

Meanwhile, back at 1216 Franklin, dinner is underway.

The Louds sitting around the table. Lynn Jr. stares down at her plate in shame while Lincoln smiles smugly. Lola watches the latter with sultry eyes, her gaze sweeping up and down.

LOLA - 6. "What girl doesn't like to feel beautiful?" she asks with a shrug. "I do."

She slouches in her seat, and Lincoln lifts his head, his brow pinching in puzzlement. She smiles seductively and nods her head. Underneath the table, her toes brush the cuff of his pants up his calf and tickle his bare skin. He glances around the table, but no one is paying attention. He smirks and Lola bites her bottom lip.

LOLA - 6. "Sometimes it drives me crazy. Like...some people need drugs or cigarettes to get through the day, I need attention. Daddy doesn't give me attention and Lincoln really doesn't either, but that's going to change." Her lips peel back from her teeth in a devious smile and fire fills her eyes. "Oh, that's going to change."

At the theater, things are going well for Sam and Luna.

They sit next to one another in the back row, a tub of popcorn in Luna's lap. Sam's elbow is propped on the arm rest between hers and Luna's seat and her face rests in her hand. Luna glances at her.

LUNA - 15. "Should I...make a move?"

Luna looks undecided for a moment...then puts her arm around Sam's shoulder. Sam looks up at her, smiles, and leans closer. Luna's voice intones over the scene. "Oh, yeah, I am smooth."

Back at the Loud house, the kids are getting ready for bed, a routine that is just as complicated as any other in a family of thirteen.

The girls stand before the bathroom sink in a big crowd. Luan brushes her teeth with the enthusiasm of a dead woman; Leni rubs cold cream into her face; Lori flosses; Lucy gurgles with mouthwash.

In her room, Lola sits at her vanity and brushes her hair, a hazy look in her eyes as she stares at her reflection. "You are so beautiful," she says. Lana sits on her bed with an illustrated children's Bible open in her lap. She's not looking at it, though, she's looking at her sister with an expression of mild distaste.

LANA - 6. She wears a simple bluish green nightdress and her red cap. "She gets on my nerves. I don't think wanting to look nice is a sin, but staring at yourself in the mirror and practically cumming is."

Lola runs the brush through her hair and turns slowly from one side to the other, her eyes never leaving the mirror. "Are you almost done?" Lana asks.

"Hmmm...no," Lola replies at length.

Lana rolls her eyes.

LOLA - 6. "Tomorrow, I'm going to start getting attention from my brother." She flashes a big, gap-tooth smile. "And I know just how to do it."

"How?" a voice asks.

"You'll see…"

The next day starts like any other. The kids all go through their morning routine; using the toilet, showering, and brushing their teeth. Two, however, are unaccounted for.

Standing in the hall, Lori looks curiously around, her hands on her hips. "Where are Lynn and Lincoln?"

Everyone shrugs and grumbles that they don't know. Lori scrunches her lips to the side in thought, then goes into the bathroom when Lola comes out; the little girl is wearing a very short pink dress that stops well above her knees and stretches tightly across her chest, clinging to the budding nubs of her breasts. Lana clucks her tongue and Leni's brows furrow. "That's, like, not something you should wear."

LENI - 16. Her jaw is slack and her eyes are wide. "Like...we're not super modest, wearing denim dresses and stuff, but that is totes ina - ina -" She touches her index finger to her chin and rolls her eyes up to the ceiling as she tries to remember the word she wants.

"Inappropriate?" a voice supplies.

Brightening, Leni nods. "Yep! Like, you don't have to dress like an old woman, but don't dress like a hooker either."

"Don't you think your relationship with Lincoln is inappropriate?"

Leni blinks. "No."

Footage of Leni sitting on the floor in front of the couch, Lincoln on the couch with his legs on either side of her; he slowly rubs her shoulders, and the look on Leni's face is one of blissful rapture.

Back in front of the backdrop, Leni lifts her arm, palm facing up. "But that's a back rub. I give Lynn back rubs all the time after she plays football and gets sore."

LISA - 6. She sits in a chair with her arms crossed. "I suspect there is a subconscious sexual component to Leni's relationship with Lincoln. She doesn't realize it, but it is, indeed, there. Leni, I believe, is genuine in her faith and tries her best to live according to Scripture, but, if I may be blunt, she's dumb as a box of beakers."

"Do you know what happened between Lincoln and -?"

Lisa nods curtly. "Yes, I have cameras positioned around the house, I am quite aware of what happened between Lincoln and Luan and Lincoln and Lynn. If you want my opinion, Luan was more of a victim than a willing participant and Lynn was more of a willing participant than a victim, though each of them were both at the same time. In both cases, Lincoln was the aggressor. He is, to be blunt, a manipulative bastard, and our parents are too caught up in their own affairs - our father quite literally - to care."

Back in the hallway, Lincoln's door creeps open and Lynn's eyes appear in the crack. Sure that no one is looking (even though the camera is on her), she slips out and hurries to her room, tiptoeing; none of her siblings turn.

LUCY - 8. "I know where she was last night...earning herself a one way ticket to hell one thrust at a time." She grins, as though the thought of her sister going to hell is pleasing. "In Dante's Inferno, sexual sinners spend eternity in a giant swirling vortex. I hope Lynn doesn't eat before she dies or she'll pass forever and ever puking on herself." Here, Lucy actually giggles, a high, soulless sound.

In the hall, Lincoln comes out of his room in just his underwear. Lola, watching from her room like a trap door spider wating for prey, smils and comes out, cutting him off and taking his spot in line. Lincoln's eyes dart to her butt, the seat of the dress so tight against it you could see the outline of her butt crack. She looks over her shoulder, her gaze slowly travelling up Lincoln's body until it locks with his. Her lids lower seductively. "Hi, Lincy."

"Hi, Lola," he says with a grin.

They stare at each other with bated breath, then Lola turns away, her chin jutting haughtily out and her eyes batting. Lincoln's eyes go to her butt once more...and stay for a long time.

LINCOLN - 11. "Lola is...she craves attention." Lincoln nods as he speaks, his voice measured, his word choice careful. "Vanity is a sin, but to her being paid attention to is what water is to you and I. Therefore, even though it might be wrong, I do my best to spend time with her and compliment her. 'Hi, Lola, I like your dress,' or 'your hair looks nice today, Lola.'" His smile is charming and bright, but does not touch his eyes.

Hidden camera footage reveals Lincoln on his stomach and trying to look under the bathroom door. The hiss of the shower and Lola's voice as she sings can clearly be heard. Frustrated, he slams his fist against the floor and gets to his feet: An erection pushes out the front of his pants.

In the kitchen, Lynn Sr. sets plates of eggs and bacon in front of each child. Rita is not present, and when Lana asks where she is, Lynn smles tightly. "She's ill," he says. When he reaches Lola, he frowns. "Lola, go upstairs and change please."

Lola twists her head around. "But, Daddy…"

"Now."

Sighing, Lola gets up and disappears into the living room, Lincoln pushing away from the table and leaning back to watch her go, his eyes twinkling with darkness and his teeth clamping his lower lip. He remembers the camera, starts, and lets out a nervous laugh. "Just making sure she was...going with God," he says.

The tension is thick at the table this morning; this is the first time Luna has joined her family for a meal since coming out as bisexual. Neither Lynn nor Rita speak to her.

LYNN AND RITA. They sit side-by-side looking tired and worn out. Rita's eyes are bleary and she sways slightly like a wobbling top. Lynn sighs. "We don't love Luna any less," he says haltingly. "You might not believe in hell, but we do, and Luna's...in danger of going there. We are obviously upset and...distraught, but we still love and support her. We're not going to disown her, we're not going to punish her, we're going to pray for her and do whatever else it takes to get her back on the right track."

Rita's head flops up and down. "We're good parents," she slurs, "and we love our kids."

"Yes we do," Lynn agrees.

"And there's nothing wrong with them," Rita says, then slaps the air, "even if Lincoln and Lynn…"

Lynn turns his his. "Stop it," he says quietly yet firmly.

"Kids...do things…"

Lynn's eyes narrow. "Rita...stop."

She purses her lips and rolls her eyes drunkenly.

At the table, Luna glares down at her plate and eats sullenly. Lana glances at her, then quickly away.

LANA - 6. "I never knew someone who was gay before," she says, "she looks normal."

Lola sits on Luna's other side in her customary pink dress and crown, pink gloves pulled up to her elbows and pearls around her neck. She divides her attention between her breakfast and Lincoln, who keeps stealing lustful glances at her.

LOLA - 6. She sits prim and proper in the chair, her head tilted back and her eyes staring down her nose. Her arms and legs are crossed. "When Lincoln looks at me, I have a funny feeling in my stomach. Like...fluttering." Her brow pinches and she lifts her gaze to the camera. "Is that normal?"

"No," a voice says pointedly.

Lisa skims the surface of her oatmeal with her spoon and spares her father a sidelong glance; he eats mechanically, without joy, his eyes distant and his face sallow. Across from her, Lucy eats the way she does everything else - coldly and dispassionately. Down the table, Luan stares into her food like a gypsy divining tea leaves and not liking what the future holds.

LUAN - 14. Luan sits with her hands folded in her lap and her gaze downcast. Her face is flushed from crying and unshed tears shimmer wetly in her eyes. She sniffs and wipes them away with the heel of her palm.

"You seem depressed lately," someone says off camera. Their voice is sugary with faux concern. It is obvious to anyone watching that this person doesn't give a shit about Luan Loud, they only care about drama and ratings.

Nodding, Luan sighs. "A little."

"Why's that, honey?"

Luan shrugs and continues to look at the backs of her hands as though they are the most interesting things in the world. "Confession is good for the soul, Luan," another voice says, this one female and just as fake as the first.

"It's nothing," she murmurs.

"Talk to us, Luan," the woman says, "let us in. We want to help you."

Luan draws a heavy sigh and looks up and to the right. "I...I did something really bad." Her lips begin to quiver and she blinks against a rush of tears; they streak down her cheeks. "I hurt Lincoln." She breaks down and begins to weep in silence, her shoulders shaking and her hand flying to her eyes. A fat woman with long, frizzy blonde hair and dressed in a stylish black pantsuit appears and kneels in front of the crying girl, her hand going tentatively to her knee.

"Cut the camera," she says, then turns and shakes her head. Keep rolling, she mouths. She faces Luan again and pats her knee while making an Awwwww sound that only an emotionally distressed girl of fourteen would mistake for genuine. "How did you hurt Lincoln, sweetie?"

Luan presses her hand to her face and fights to regain her composure, but sobs even harder. "You have to tell me what's the matter, honey," the woman says, her voice firm, "otherwise I can't help you."

"W-We had sex," Luan moans and hugs herself, "now we're both going to hell and it's my fault."

The woman smiles over her shoulder like a jackyl.

After breakfast, the Loud kids disperse and go their own ways, some to study their Bibles -

Lori sitting in the middle of her bed, legs crossed, and staring down at a book in her lap, her elbow propped on her knee and her chin resting in her upturned palm.

- and others to less savory activities.

Luna sits on her window sill, facing into the room. "I'm meeting Sam at the park. Mom and Dad said I had to stay in here and read the Bible." She laughs. "That's not gonna happen." She turns, opens it, and swings one leg over the edge, ducking under the sash. "Cover for me," she says and winks at the camera.

Across the hall, Lincoln is seemingly on his way to the bathroom, his hands shoved into his pockets. His steps are slow, however, and aimless. He passes Lola's room and glances in, sees only Lana sitting on her bed and reading, and moseys back to his room, stepping heavily from one foot to the other in an ambling side-to-side fashion. He passes Luan's room and turns his head. She kneels next to her bed with her hands folded in front of her. She is crying again, her head bowed and the soft sounds of her spiritual misery drifting faintly into the hall.

Lincoln stops...and sneers.

LINCOLN - 11. He nods his head sadly, his lips a bloodless line. "Luan does seem upset recently." He touches his heart. "It tears me up to see such a beautiful soul in turmoil, but I believe it's best to try and let my siblings work out their problems with God before intervening."

Still sneering, he stalks over and leans into Luan's room. When he speaks, she jumps. "If you're going to cry crocodile tears over your sins, at least shut the door so I don't have to look at you."

She turns her red, heartbroken face to him, her eyes clouded with pain, and tries to speak, perhaps to once again seek his forgiveness and beg his love, but he clicks his tongue in disgust. "You make me sick."

With that, he slams the door, and, alone, Luan begins to weep again, falling to her side and curling up in a ball.

LINCOLN - 11. His eyes are soft with concern. "Maybe I should talk to her."

The next scene is from the shaky POV of a handheld camcorder: A cracked sidewalk, moving feet, and the sound of heavy breathing. It jerks upwards, and across the street, Luna goes up a set of concrete steps leading to the front door of a small brick house with bay windows; windchimes tinke in the breeze and an American flag stirs. Luna knocks, steps back, and waits a minute; the door opens, Sam appears...and grins. Music starts to play over the footage, wavering guitar with a fifties flair.

They told me it was disgustin'

They told me it was a sin

They saw me knocking on your front door

Saw me smile when you let me in

Sam steps aside, and Luan brushes past; before Sam closes the door, her eyes flick to Luna's butt, and she bites her bottom lip.

You and me baby we'ez all alone

Let's get something goin'

While your mum and dad ain't home

The next shot is of a window, white velor blinds. Through the slats, a room: Posters on the walls, a radio on a nightstand, a bed, Sam flat on her back with her pants around her ankles and Luna's head between her legs. Sam's head is thrown back and her hips gyrate against the Loud girl's face; soft moans and breathy exhalations escape her bobbing throat.

LUNA - 15. She wears a shit-eating grin. "Yeah...we totally ate each other out, man, it was awesome."

Sam runs her fingers through Luna's short brown hair; Luna laps her girlfriend's sex with long, quick brushstrokes, like a kitten drinking milk from a saucer. "Ummm," Sam moans, "God, that feels so good."

SAM - 15. Her arms are crossed and she stares uncomfortably at her lap, nodding slowly. "Yeah, Luna and I hung out. We, uh, we had a nice time."

Luna on her hands and knees, her head bowed and her purple skirt hiked up around her hips, her butt thrust into the air and her pink, glistening center bared for all the world to see. Sam splays her hands on Luna's lower back and dips her face between her folds, trailing her tongue down from the cleft of her ass to her throbbing clit, swirling it around her puckered anus on the way. Cheeks flushed, Luna brushes her teeth over her bottom lip and moves her butt slowly, rhythmically back against Sam's face. When Sam comes up for air, she wipes Luna's juices from her mouth with the back of her hand.

"You taste really good," she pants.

Back at the Loud house, Lynn Sr. is preparing to leave on an errand. Rita still has not made an appearance, and he leaves Lori in charge.

Lynn standing in the living room, looking at the camera with a strained expression. "Rita still isn't feeling very well. I think it's a stomach bug."

In the next scene, he backs the van out of the driveway and takes a left: The camera stays on him until he turns a corner and disappears from sight. Inside, Rita sits on the edge of the bed in a bathrobe. The curtains are drawn and the room is dark; her hair is messy and her eyes are bloodshot. "I had a headache last night," she mutters, "it happens a lot." She smiles weakly.

Cut to her curled up under the blankets asleep, snoring deeply. The clock on the nightstand reads 2:15pm in glowing red numbers.

While Rita sleeps it off, Lincoln assists Lola in picking out an outfit for the day.

The bathroom door opens and Lola comes out in a puff of steam, a towel wrapped around her body and her hair - still dry - done up, a single golden strand falling down one cheek. As if on cue, Lincoln emerges from his room with his hands in his pockets and a barely contained smile on his lips. Lola pretends not to see him and, as she goes to her room, she whips the towel off, baring her slender body. Lincoln's jaw drops and his eyes metaphorically shoot out of his head. In the doorway, she turns to him. "Oh, hi, Lincy," she says, "do you think you can help me pick out something to wear?"

Lincoln closes his mouth and nods. "Sure."

LISA - 4. Arms crossed, eyes narrow in resting apathy. "I strongly suspect that Lola is an exhibitionist. To her, being seen and watched is stimulating. Colloquially speaking, she's an attention whore. She doesn't care who, just as long as their eyes are on her. She does prefer it to be Lincoln, however; she comes out of the bathroom naked in front of him on a regular basis, much to our mother's horror and much to Lincoln's sick enjoyment."

In Lola's room, Lincoln sits on the edge of her bed as she rummages in her closet; she wears a white tank top with nothing underneath and a pair of pink panties. She stretches to reach something; her back arches and her butt thrusts out in what one can only assume is a calculated display. Lincoln stares openly, his hands trembling in his lap and his eyes glazing with wicked lust. "Hmmm," Lola hums in a manufactured tone, "whatever shall I wear?" She looks over her shoulder and gives her brother a devious grin.

"You look nice in anything," he says neutrally.

"Do I?" she asks.

He nods, hesitates, then adds, "And in nothing."

A blush bursts across her face and her lips curl up. "Maybe that's what I should wear then."

"You should."

They stare at each other for a moment, then Lola turns, hooks her thumbs into the waistband of her underwear, and pushes them down her legs, leaning forward and swiveling her hips with an exaggerated flourish. Lincoln's Adam's apple bobs and the crotch of his pants begins to twitch. "Am I pretty?" she asks as her panties pool around her ankles.

"Yes," Lincoln says, his voice a dry croak.

She crosses her arms in an X and peels her shirt up with teasing deliberation, the fabric scraping her smooth, creamy flesh. "How pretty?"

"Very pretty," Lincoln says.

The shirt slips over the small, dark nubs of her nipples, which are surprisingly erect. Lincoln leans interestedly forward, his hands cupping his knees. Lola pulls the shirt over her head and tosses it away. She puts her hands on her hips and smiles. "Well?"

Lincoln's gaze creeps from the tips of her pink toenails to the blonde crown of her head, pausing (and here he licks his lips) at the Y-shaped juncture of her thighs. Her eyes are heavily lidded and her glossy lips sparkle in the sunlight falling through the window.

"You're the most beautiful girl I've ever seen," Lincoln says finally.

"Am I?" Lola asks and struts forward.

Lincoln nods again.

Grinning, Lola sinks to her knees and cocks her head playfully. "Prove it."

For a moment Lincoln stares at her...then gets up and starts to unbuckle his belt as he walks over to her. She looks up at him with big, smoky eyes and a lazy smile. When his hard dick pops out like a meaty jack-in-the-box, she blinks in surprise.. "Wow," she draws breathlessly. She looks into her brother's face as he wraps his hand around his length and begins to stroke. "It's nice. And hard."

"That means you're turning me on," he said, his hand moving faster.

"Am I?" she asks innocently.

Lincoln nods. The blush on his face is just as deep and hot as the one on Lola's. She lays her hands on her knees and watches him masturbate with sultry eyes, her pink tongue swiping obscenely across her lower lip. Lincoln locks his gaze with hers, and his lids narrow. He goes faster, faster, producing a fleshy whack whack whack. A bead of clear fluid forms at his tip and Lola leans in to investigate it, her head tilting to one side and then the other. She reaches tentatively out and swipes her finger across his head, collecting his essence and bringing to her lips. Staring into his eyes, she licks him from her finger and moans in delight.

"That tastes soooo good."

Lincoln's hand furiously pumps his shaft; his breathing comes in quick, ragged gasps. His knees tremble, his hips buck, more fluid leaks from his swollen head. Lola's cheeks burn and her eyes dance with wicked light; she, too, is breathing heavy, her excitement rising with her brother's.

With a grunt, Lincoln reaches climax: His dick expands and spurts like a jelly doughnut tread underfoot. A blast of whitish cum splatters Lola's chin. Humming, she closes her eyes, opens her mouth, and leans forward. The second spurt lands on her tongue and runneth over in long, thin strands. The third hits her delicate throat, and the fourth and final lands between her throbbing nipples. Lincoln's knees quiver and he nearly falls, but catches himself at the last minute.

Opening her eyes, Lola draws her tongue into her mouth and swallows his warm seed with a purr. Next, she puts her hands to her chest and rubs it slowly into her skin.

LOLA - 6. She sits in front of the backdrop wearing a pink dress, pink gloves, and a crown positioned just so. "Did your brother help you pick that out?" a voice asks from offscreen.

She nods enthusiastically. "Umhm. He has a really good eye for fashion."

"Did you...do anything else together?"

Lola smiles widely. "Yes we did."

"What?"

She crosses her arms and raises a challenging brow. "That's really none of your business, sweetie."

Cut to Flagg1991, so hot it's a wonder that the stage isn't on fire. "Next up, we'll see what - or who - Lynn Sr. is doing, here on 11 Kids and Counting: The Lost Tapes."