Breaking the formula tonight to give a hearty shout out to Sad Frog who called me out so hard I had to post this on March 22, 2020, the anniversary of the roast.

The Emperor's New Clothes
and Other Tales of the Fifth Grail War

BRRRIIINNNGGGG!

"Nnnngggh," Rin grunted, twisting under her covers. Her hand darted out silence the alarm clock. Her eyes cracked open, and through the blurry shapes she spotted the hands on the clock's face. 6:28am. Weird. She hadn't set her alarm to some silly time like that.

BRRRIIINNNGGGG!

"Graahhhh!" she moaned, jolting out bed. She slammed the alarm clock heavily onto the desk, where it clattered loudly.

"As much as I'd like to see you murder your poor alarm clock, Rin, that's a phone you're hearing."

She gave her Servant a baleful look, mostly for the condescending innocence in his voice, but also because she knew that he knew that she was being her usual, embarrassingly witless morning self. She made a mournful noise as she stumbled downstairs to the phone.

BRRRIIINNNGGGG!

She glared at the stupid piece of plastic, daring it to ring again. And what kind of monster calls at 6:30am, anyway? She was tempted, so tempted, to just let it ring. It would serve them right, after all. Whoever it was. Why couldn't those stupid scientists let you know who was calling before you picked up the phone?

Eventually, her sense of curiosity won out over her pettiness. Besides, Archer was smirking at her, and she didn't need him to be anymore insufferable.

She took a deep breath and picked up the handset mid-ring. As soon as the cold plastic touched her ear, she announced, "Tohsaka residence."

"Tohsaka!" came the crackly voice on the other end. Sounded like Emiya. Good. Wouldn't want to murder the wrong person. "Ah, sorry for the bother, I have a—Saber, where are your clothes?!—could I ask you to—No! Not those again!—sorry, I just—Lancer, what are you doing here?!—yeah, could you bring some, ah, clothes for Sab—guh! Sorry, I—!" Then the line clicked dead.

Rin looked at the receiver for a moment, trying to decide if she should laugh or cry or go back to sleep. Or all three.

Archer was no help. "I know what you're thinking," he said, leaning against the wall with his arms crossed like he wanted to look even more like an obnoxious prick, if that were even possible. "What a rude guy, that Emiya. Never even said goodbye."

"Shut up," she snapped, punctuating the words with a half-hearted glare.

Unfortunately, it seemed like if she wanted to know what was going on with Emiya, she'd have to get it straight from the source. Which meant taking the ten minute walk to visit the Emiya household instead of, say, sleeping in for another ten minutes like a sane person.

BEEP!

The sudden electronic blip drew her attention toward the bright red 4 on the phone's display. The playback button pulsed in anticipation.

BEEP!

With a shrug, Rin pressed play and listened raptly as an electronic voice whirred into existence.

"You have FOUR new messages.

"MESSAGE ONE. Sunday, February 3, 5:23pm. '—ait, Tohsaka Rin?! Gack! I knew I recognized that number! Hey, Yukicchi, you gave me the number of some cold-hearted—!'

"MESSAGE TWO. Sunday, February 3, 6:08pm. 'Hey, Tohsaka, it's late, but do you have any clothes you can drop off for Saber? Thanks for the trouble.'

"MESSAGE THREE. Sunday, February 3, 6:33pm. 'Rin, I am pleased to inform you, all seven Servants have finally been summoned. As the overseer, I must put my duties as your mentor aside. But rejoice! Your wish is within your grasp!'

"MESSAGE FOUR. Sunday, February 3, 8:52pm. '—ji-nee, you've got the wrong idea! It's not what you—Tohsaka, don't know if you got the last message. Just wondering if—Praetor! Observe!—Shirou, don't look!—urhgk!'

"End of messages."

For the second time that morning, Rin found herself staring at the phone. "What."

She ran her hands through her hair, still matted from her admittedly fitful sleep. Her lips twisted into a small grimace as she turned to her Servant. "Archer," she said. He inclined his head and looked toward her but made no indication to respond otherwise. She let the silence between them hang for another few seconds before sighing. "We're leaving early. I'm going to go and rip Emiya a new one. Don't you dare stop me."

Archer's ever-present smirk grew wider. "Wouldn't dream of it."

Rin only nodded in the affirmative and shuffled off to get ready for school. If she was going to murder an idiot, she wouldn't do it looking like she just rolled out of bed.

King Arthur's Fight with the Great Cat

Emiya's miso soup was surprisingly good, for something so simple. Better than Rin's attempts had ever been, but Chinese cuisine was more her forte anyway. She sipped on the steaming broth, the fog crawling past her temples and floating into the ceiling. Distant groans and splashes echoing through the walls. A relaxing experience.

Well, it would be, if the snot-nosed, white-haired gremlin across the table weren't glaring at her with murder in her eyes.

"What are you doigg here?" Said gremlin (colloquially known as the Einzbern master, Illyasviel) sounded like a petulant child. She looked like one too, if you could call a thirteen-year-old a child, but even for thirteen, Illyasviel looked underdeveloped. She also sounded very congested.

"What are you doing here?" Rin retorted.

Illya slammed her hands on the table, rattling the bowls and causing some drops of miso to spill onto the table. "I asked first!"

Rin rolled her eyes and started to wipe up the mess. "Geez, Emiya-kun. What were you thinking leaving me with this brat?"

"Who are you calligg a brat, you harpy?!"

"Who's a harpy, you munchkin?"

"Master, you're spilling the food," said Lancer, prim and proper as always. He sat with perfect posture, his hair glowing golden in the morning sun, his face speckled with grains of rice, his lips twisted into a stern frown. "Emiya-san," he said with a whiff of distaste, "has been kind enough to include us for breakfast. We shouldn't waste anything."

As if on cue, Emiya screamed incoherently from somewhere else in the house. Everyone ignored it.

Illyasviel's cheeks puffed at the reprimand, but she sat back down, arms crossed, glaring at Rin silently. "Fide," she said. "But only because Kigg Arthur asked."

"Kigg Arthur" held a tissue in front of his Master's face. "Now blow." With a loud BRAPPPT, Illyasviel blew her nose. Lancer wiped the residue from her nostrils and tossed the tissue into a wastebasket overflowing with crumpled tissues then pulled another package from an inside pocket of his baroque-era coat. "Better?"

Illya nodded, sniffing.

Rin watched on impassively. On the outside. On the inside she was struggling not to break into laughter. If the other participants in this stupid war were like Emiya and these two, the Akasha was practically hers by default.

"How very motherly of you, Saber," Archer said, causing Lancer to frown.

"Hey, Archer, what happened to hiding yourself away to prevent hostilities?!" Rin hissed. Her fingers twitched, and a brief euphoric image of her wringing the Servant by his neck flashed through her mind. It was sadly gone in an instant.

"Saber! The towel! Use the towel!"

"You will address me as Lancer." It seemed Archer's schtick was getting under his skin, although the only real sign of his breaking composure was a slight tic in his eyebrow. Rin could guess why. Though they looked almost like twins, calm and cool Lancer was the complete opposite of the rambunctious and frustrating Saber, and frankly, Rin wouldn't want to be compared to her either.

Archer cut him off, his lips curling into a smirk. "In your dreams, Saber," he said, pouring a cup of tea for himself and then for Rin.

"Archer." Rin plastered a smile on her face. "Why must you antagonize everyone?"

"Not everyone. Just Emiya and Illya-chan and Saber—" he pointedly looked at Lancer "—oh and you, Rin."

"That's everyone!" Rin exclaimed. Then everyone exploded at the same time.

"It's Lancer!"

"Who gabe you perbissiod to call be that?"

"Aha! I've uncovered the spy in our midst. You there, foul deceivers, what secrets of mine and Praetor's do you intend to unearth?"

"Saber! Clothes!"

Rin observed the aftermath. Lancer was glaring daggers at Archer, his pose mirroring Illyasviel's. Both looked ready to suplex Archer to kingdom come. Archer was oblivious to the hostility, apparently. He sipped at his tea without acknowledging their anger at all and turned to Rin. "Not everyone. That one doesn't make the list."

"That one" was Saber, standing in the hallway in all her glory, with a small yellow towel wrapped loosely around her hips and Emiya trying desperately to cover her... very large assets. And failing. His hands just weren't big enough.

"I refuse, Praetor! Those rags are not worthy of my glory!" Said rags looked like a nice, if somewhat modest, sweater and a long purple skirt. "And that aside, there are more important matters now. Lo, there is chicanery afoot!" She pointed at the four sitting at the table. "Speak, villains, ere I cut your tongues from your throats!"

Emiya rubbed his temples. "Saber, those are guests."

"Truly? Are you certain?"

Emiya gave a meaningful glance at Illyasviel and her Servant. "Yes. I invited them." He said it so unconvincingly that Rin had to stifle a chuckle by having some more miso. "Tohsaka, thanks for coming by the way. You brought what I asked for, right?"

Rin made a show of tapping her lips in thought. "You know, Emiya-kun, I gave Saber-chan some clothes. On that first night?" She tilted her head, half-coquettishly, half-innocently. "I left them next to the hamper. Is it possible you missed them?"

Emiya opened his mouth, then closed it, then opened it again, looking like a gaping fish Rin had once seen at the aquarium. Then without a word, he grabbed Saber by the shoulders and dragged her out of sight. They listened to the pounding of feet on wood, then a yell of frustration, then silence.

It wasn't murder, but it was a satisfying bit of comeuppance on the idiot.

"Nice job, Rin." Archer smiled at her, showing teeth, and gave her a thumbs up. "I'd give you a gold star, but I already gave them all to myself."

There went the satisfaction. She glared at him. "If I could re-draw my Servant, I would. Without even hesitating."

"You wound me, Master," he retorted, not sounding particularly wounded.

The door slid open again, revealing a much more clothed, Saber, wearing one of Rin's old tracksuits, her hair still wet and dripping over her shoulders. The tracksuit didn't fit her well. The trousers were too loose and pooled at her ankles. The top wouldn't close over her breasts, and the neatly printed "Tohsaka" on the t-shirt underneath was comically distorted by the stretch, and there wasn't even enough fabric for the shirt to cover her navel.

Rin's lips thinned involuntarily. Life just wasn't fair sometimes.

Emiya looked harried beyond belief. "You really helped me out. Thanks, Tohsaka," he managed to mumble out.

Geez, this guy was hopeless. "It's no big deal, Emiya-kun," she said. It really wasn't. But in the end, they were Masters competing for a chance at the Holy Grail, and they hadn't even formed an official alliance.

At least it was a charming sort of hopelessness. Kind of.

Saber bounced on the balls of her feet. "It's an amazing ensemble, Miss Tohsaka. Indeed, your sense for fashion fits with mine like the interlocking knobs and holes of a jigsaw puzzle—we are two parts of a whole, and I am ashamed that I had not given due notice before." She grabbed Rin's hands, squeezing them between her two palms. "Won't you forgive me this transgression?"

Rin looked at her entrapped hand and gave Archer a brief glance. Nope. No help there. Emiya just looked at her apologetically. She had resigned herself to playing along when she was saved by an unexpected visitor.

"Heyoo! I'm ready for breakfast, Shirou! And Sakura-chan's here too!"

Oh, thank god.

Six heads turned toward the voice to find Fujimura Taiga barging in, Matou Sakura in tow. Fujimura took one look at the assembled group and said, "Ah, I see. I'm interrupting a mixer. Sorry about that! Come on Sakura-chan, let's leave them to—wait a minute, Shirou, it's time for breakfast not for drinking alcohol and meeting strange girls! And besides!" She pointed at Archer. "That one's too old and suspicious!" Then she pointed at Illyasviel. "And that one's too young!" And finally, she pointed at Lancer. "And that one's too pretty! What kind of operation are you running here, Shirou?! Was Saber-chan not enough for you? He's a wolf, Sakura-chan! Stay back!"

Rin couldn't help it. She let out a loud snort even as Emiya attempted to explain himself. "Fuji-nee, you've got the wrong idea! Sakura, it's not what you think!"

To be frank, Rin couldn't see how he'd explain this impromptu morning meeting away. For a second, she caught Sakura's eye, but the girl ducked back behind Fujimura in a flurry of purple hair. It must have been killing her, Rin thought, to know who and what Saber was and be unable to reveal anything if she wanted any sense of normalcy in her life. Rin couldn't begrudge her normalcy. Even if she couldn't show affection for Sakura, Rin still worried for her well-being.

Surprisingly, it was Illyasviel who dragged Emiya's butt from the fire. She stood up, blew her nose, and said with crystal clear intonation, "My apologies, Fujimura-san. I and my... servant are acquaintances of Emiya Kiritsugu, and Shirou-san has graciously offered to allow us to stay a few nights we sort out our business."

Fujimura looked at them suspiciously. "Eh? Acquaintances of Kiritsugu-san, you say? The same Kiritsugu-san who died five years ago?"

"We were informed by Emiya-san, yes," Lancer said. An unreadable expression crossed Illyasviel's face.

Fujimura's eyes narrowed. "You're so young."

Ah, so she'd noticed the discrepancy. Emiya Kiritsugu retired to Fuyuki ten years ago and died five years after that. Illya would have been three years old at the time, and Lancer, no matter how old he truly was, appeared to be a sixteen-year-old. It beggared belief that they would have even met the man ten years ago, let alone call themselves his acquaintances.

"How tragic!" she said through sudden tears, causing Rin's head to turn so fast toward Fujimura that her neck cracked. "It must have been heart-wrenching to arrive only to find out that he'd already left us! And in the prime of his life, too."

Rin blinked. And blinked. And blinked again. Was this woman for real?

Then Fujimura turned toward her, her eyes still glistening. "And what are you doing here, Tohsaka-san?"

Immediately her mask was on, and her mind was weaving a story from whole cloth. "Ah, my apologies for the intrusion, Fujimura-sensei, but Emiya-kun has kindly offered to let me stay as well until the renovations at my house are completed. There was an..." she paused and let a hint of worry slip into her expression, "issue with the pipes, I'm told."

"Oh, that's unfortunate!" Fujimura said, as expected. Then she looked curiously at Archer.

Rin broke into a frown. "And he's just here to be a nuisance."

"I see."

Archer coughed. "I'm her... second cousin once removed."

Rin wanted to smack herself in the face.

"Oh! Well that was obviously a little suspicious, but I'll accept it for now for Tohsaka's sake," Fujimura said. Really, how trusting was this woman? "But be that as it may, I'm not comfortable with the idea of Shirou staying with so many girls and a—I'm sorry, how old are you?" She looked at Archer.

"Age is just a number," he replied cryptically, and Rin really did smack herself in the face.

"...Okay, that did not make me any more comfortable with this arrangement. Shirou!" Emiya jumped. "Why are you letting strange older men stay with you? Have you already forgotten what I taught you about stranger danger?!"

"Fuji-nee, I'm not eight years old anymore!"

"You may not be, but you'll always be my cute Shirou-chan. You shouldn't make big sis worry about you like that!"

"It can't be helped. He's Tohsaka's guest after all."

It was amusing to watch the two interact. Their relationship during school tended to be of a more professional nature, when they interacted at all. Given Fujimura's personality, it was a miracle more of this hadn't leaked out during those times.

"I suppose you're right," Fujimura said, clearly miffed. She looked thoughtful for a moment then turned to Rin, who didn't appreciate being the sudden focus of her attention. "Tohsaka-san, do you mind if we speak privately for a moment?"

That caught Rin off guard, although it didn't show on her face. "Of course, Fujimura-sensei," she said smoothly. Archer and Emiya gave her uncannily identical "Do you want me to intervene?" glances, but she warded them both off with a shake of her head. "Lead the way."

In the privacy of the dojo—and that was a surprise for someone like her, who lived in a Western-inspired house—Fujimura sat her down.

"I won't claim I have much insight into your home life, Tohsaka-san, but I understand you are living alone," Fujimura started.

Rin nodded. She wasn't sure what exactly the school knew. Her mother's death was assuredly a matter of public record, but her father's death hadn't been so cut-and-dry. At best the school had the fake priest as her emergency contact and honestly, probably had him down as her guardian as well, but as far as the circumstances no one had ever asked. It wasn't unusual, after all, for a high schooler of her age to live away from her parents. "I haven't lived with my parents since first year started," she explained, which was true enough.

"I expected as much," Fujimura said with a nod. "Now, Tohsaka, I realize that being away from your parents has given you a sense of freedom, but you have to be careful. You're still young, you know. That 'cousin' of yours might not be your soul mate, even if it feels like he is right now. And he's a much older man. He might be trying to take advantage of you."

"I—what?"

"And—I'm not going to make any assumptions—but if you are doing 'H' things with that man, make sure you use protection. You're still in high school after all, and I don't know if a man like that would stick around to support you if you had a baby. He sort of looks like the type, doesn't he? That look in his eyes like he's just having some fun."

"But I'm—!"

"I know. You're in love, and you want to give him what he wants most, but still—and I know it isn't any of my business, but I want you to promise me, Tohsaka-san, that you won't allow yourself to get pregnant until after you can support yourself. Promise me!"

"Fujimura-sensei, I think you're—"

"Please promise me, Tohsaka-san!"

Fujimura took Rin's hands in hers and gave her the same pleading, innocent look a roadside puppy might give in the hopes of being fed snacks or taken home. "... I promise, Fujimura-sensei."

"Promise what?"

Rin grit her teeth. "I promise I won't let that guy impregnate me." The thought alone made her want to vomit.

Fujimura smiled serenely. "Thanks, Tohsaka-san. That's a huge weight off my chest." She sprang to her feet and twirled out of the room. "Now it's time for me to have some breakfast!"

In the suddenly quiet dojo, Rin found herself staring at the far wall, trying to forget the entire conversation, but it was slow going. She didn't even notice when Sakura came to fetch her.

"Um, Tohsaka-senpai, the rest of us are heading out now."

Rin blinked at her. "Hey, Sakura..." she said, forgoing the artificial distance that normally kept her from addressing her sister by name. Even Sakura looked taken aback by that. "Did Fujimura-sensei ever make you promise not to get pregnant?"

Sakura looked confused for a moment until her eyes widened. Then she giggled. "Oh. So, Fujimura-sensei strikes again. I'll be sure to let Senpai know so he can properly reprimand her." With a mischievous grin Rin had never seen on Sakura's face before, Sakura fled from the room.

Rin stared at her retreat in shock for a moment before stumbling onto her feet. "Wait, Sakura, don't—don't just go around telling people things like that!"

Everyone was staring.

Rin was used to being somewhat invisible. She was notable in that she had a bit of an ice princess persona at school, and she wore a distinctive red coat that her neighbors and the people she went to school with would recognize, but she was used to a quick glance, maybe some guy checking her out, but not this.

Not these long curious glances that turned the heads of every passerby.

Thankfully, she wasn't the only one bearing the brunt of the glances. She looked at the others. Emiya and Sakura both looked a little worried, although Emiya's worry had more of a resigned cast. Saber trailed along, wearing her ill-fitting tracksuit, talking the ear off anybody who would listen—and everyone who wouldn't. Lancer, in his baroque culottes and frills, walked with such a resolutely casual gait that you might not even notice that he had a thirteen-year-old girl sitting on his shoulders.

In fact, the only two missing were Fujimura who taken her moped and gone ahead, and Archer who had vanished into spirit form.

Why hadn't Saber and Lancer done the same?

"'Tis unfortunate, but Praetor's ability in making wonders in the kitchen does not so easily translate to the art of crafting miracles. Alas, I cannot become as air," was Saber's response.

"It is my failure as a Servant that I cannot vanish at my Master's behest," was Lancer's.

So, a defective Master and a defective Servant. Were these supposed to be her allies? She took comfort in the fact that they hadn't actually officially formed any such alliances yet.

But that didn't stop the staring, which was starting to grate on her.

"Emiya-kun, what are we going to do about this?" she whispered, indicating the entourage. "Why are they coming with us?"

Emiya's mouth opened, then he glanced backward and then leaned in toward Rin. "I didn't want to leave Saber at home," he whispered—and that was completely understandable—"so I told her I'd show everyone around the school."

Rin gave him an amused half-smirk, half-grimace. She almost felt bad for the idiot. "What are you going to do about them when you get there? It's not like you can just show up to campus with a bunch of strangers."

"I know." Emiya frowned. "I'm still thinking."

"His head's bound to pop if he keeps it up," chuckled Archer into Rin's mind.

"Shut it!"

Emiya looked at her. "Hmm? What was that, Tohsaka?"

"Oh, uh, nothing. Never mind." She heard Archer's laughter echoing in her mind and decided he wouldn't live to see the tomorrow. Thank goodness he had no clue at all about the talk with Fujimura. Or if he did, he was keeping mum about it. Not that his silence would save him from his other crimes.

"Keep frowning like that, Rin, and Emiya's going to soil himself," Archer said. Rin could hear him grinning.

She glanced at Emiya, who was standing a foot further from her than earlier. His shoulders stiffened at her attention. The sight only made her frown deepen, and she jerked her eyes forward. A group of children, looking at her fearfully, crossed the road to walk on the other side.

She wondered if Servants' blood left stains. If so, using a knife or a pillowcase full of bricks might need too much cleanup. Best to stick with smothering or strangling.

"It's dot fair!" Illyasviel glared in contempt at her own Servant, who stuffed what looked like one of those fancy schmancy mobile phones into his jacket. "Shirou was going to show be aroudd!"

Lancer turned toward Emiya, his expression pure business, "My apologies, Emiya Shirou, but I'm afraid my Master's tour must be saved for another day." He said all this very seriously, which was undermined by his childish Master kicking, tugging, and gnawing at various parts of his body. "Everyone is very worried about her cold."

"Ah, no need to apologize, Lancer-san," said Emiya, looking very relieved. Frankly, Rin felt the same. "And Illya," Emiya went on, "I can show you around the school later, all right? It'll be much more fun if you're not sick, and your family is already very worried about you."

"They're not by—!" Illya huffed and puffed her cheeks at Emiya. "Fide. But I'b holdigg you to it. I'll defiditely kill you if you dod't follow through!" What a murderous little brat.

Emiya let out a chuckle that almost sounded natural, but Rin could feel the nerves. "I promise."

That was enough for Illyasviel, apparently, because she boarded her Servant's shoulders once more, and the two of them dashed off to who knows where, although Illyasviel couldn't resist a final shout. "You'd better dot forget, Shirou!"

Two down, one to go. And the one was all Emiya's problem.

By the time they reached Homurahara, Emiya still didn't know how to handle Saber. Or at least, he never mentioned one, and his face still had the look of brain-exploding concentration on it.

"Emiya!"

Rin gave a curious glance toward Ryuudou Issei, student council president, who approached Emiya with a shocked expression.

"Oh, hey, Issei," Emiya responded. It sounded casual, but anyone watching could see the resigned slump in his shoulders.

"Get ahold of yourself, Emiya!" Ryuudou grabbed Emiya's shoulders and gave Rin a glare. "You witch! You're behind this, aren't you? You and your—your coven!"

Rin rolled her eyes. Dealing with Ryuudou was such a pain. What a melodramatic tool. "Yes, of course, Ryuudou-kun. Matou-san, a foreigner, and I danced around naked in the forest for hours last night in order to make Emiya-kun slightly more lethargic in the morning."

"So, you finally show your true colors, Tohsaka."

Rin smacked her face.

Ryuudou pushed his glasses back up the bridge of his nose. "Come with me, Emiya. I'll keep you safe from these... these... women." With that oddly generic denigration of Rin's gender, Ryuudou took Emiya by the arm and marched off.

"Issei, what are you—?!" Emiya protested, but it was half-hearted, and soon Ryuudou had dragged him away to who-knows-where.

Honestly, how did a guy like Ryuudou manage to snag the student council president position?

"Ah, how vexing. Praetor's speech made that he was in peril, yet his countenance evidenced otherwise. Indeed, should this self have gone to his aid, or was it better judgment to hold as I have?" Saber turned to Rin with a serious expression in her green eyes. "Miss Rin! Advise me!"

"Definitely go after—"

"Sakura!"

"N-nii-san. Good morning."

Oh, no. Not this worm. "Matou-kun," Rin said coolly. Matou Shinji had a way of getting under her skin faster than anyone living or dead, and he made expert use of that ability by existing within ten meters of her. At just the sight of him, Sakura's shoulders hunched over, making Rin clench her fist.

"Tohsaka," he replied. It wasn't the smooth operator voice he usually put on when talking to her. In fact, he barely acknowledged her before shifting his hardened gaze back to Sakura. "Where the hell were you this morning?! You think you can just skip club when I ask you to come by?" He took an aggressive step forward.

Sakura flinched, and Rin shifted to meet Shinji. "Matou-kun, do you really plan to make a scene?"

"Tohsaka-senpai..."

"This is family business, Tohsaka. Butt out."

"Really?" Rin said, steeping her voice in incredulity. "It's fine if you do such things in private—" (It really wasn't, but imagine getting that to stick in his head.) "—but even someone like you has to draw the line at doing so in such a public place, don't you think?"

Shinji glared at her with contempt, but when he noticed the turning heads around them, he gave Rin a reluctant nod. "You make a good point. I'll let it slide just this once, but the next time you skip out on your responsibilities to me, Sakura..." He let the threat hang in the air before he stalked off.

"Um, Tohsaka-senpai." Sakura spoke up meekly once Shinji had gone. "If I hurry, I still have time to help out with the Archery Club. Everyone, I'm so sorry about Nii-san's rudeness. Please excuse me!"

Despite her misgivings, Rin let Sakura run off. Still, there was a jauntiness to her step that hadn't been there earlier.

Rin shook her head. "'Rude,' she says. More like revolting."

"I agree, Master. If any man ever deserved that label, it's him."

"Indeed. A truly contemptible lout. That Miss Sakura must call him 'brother'... I shudder at the thought. Ah, were Praetor here, surely, he could have made peace. Although Miss Rin made for a splendid mediator."

Rin stiffened. Right. Her.

Then she realized—Emiya was gone. Sakura was gone. And she was stuck with her.

"Look on the bright side, Rin," said Archer, his voice grating in her skull. "At least you're not hungry."

Rin's stomach thankfully didn't rumble at Archer's obvious ploy, but she still looked resignedly at the bothersome blonde and sighed. "Come on," she said. "I suppose I can try to get you in as a guest today. Somehow."

Saber exclaimed an affirmative, and the two filed into the building with yet more heads turning in their direction.

Ooh, next time she saw Emiya, he was dead, alliance or no. That'd teach him to force her into being an impromptu tour guide-cum-babysitter. Well, he'd be dead, so he wouldn't learn the lesson during this life. Maybe the next.

Archer on the other hand... A smothering was too good for him. Not nearly enough pain.

Her stomach rumbled.

Yeah. Definitely not enough pain.

Rin was very tempted to use some sort of magecraft to grab guest pass for Saber without a fuss. The disagreeable woman at the counter was moving too slowly for her tastes and seemed to have an intense distaste for Saber. Rin understood the distaste, she just wished it wasn't eating into her time. It would be so easy. Just a single minor suggestion. Barely even a blip on the radar.

While she was thinking, Saber made her move and attempted to seduce the woman for a pass.

Attempted.

That got the Servant booted out of the office, but Rin managed to convince the woman to just hand the pass over, though she couldn't shake the feeling that maybe she'd lost something precious in the bargain.

Thankfully she succeeded, and her triumphant reward was to find Saber standing in the hall, bouncing her weight from one foot to the other as though if she held still for longer than a second, the lack of adrenaline would shock her into brain death.

"Do you have to use the bathroom or something?"

"Nay! Praetor beseeched that I take the liberty of relieving myself before our departure, and I, being of clement mien, performed the act dutifully." She continued shuffling between each leg as she said this. "No, I merely quiver with anticipation! Long have I looked forward to exploring the treasured halls of Praetor's tutelage!"

Deciding not to point out that Saber had only been around since Saturday, Rin sighed. "Okay. Saber, listen up. I don't have enough time to figure out where that annoyance dragged your Master off to before class starts, so unfortunately, I'm stuck with you until I can hand you over to him. All I need is a tiny favor: don't cause trouble. Okay?"

"A favor, you say? Very well, I, in my imperial majesty, grant you this boon, Master of Archer! I shall not cause trouble, as you say. Indeed, trouble shall shriek at the sight of my presence, turn tail, and run like a yellow-bellied coward! Trouble shall die a swift and terrible death at the hands of my—mmph mm mph mmmph!"

When it was safe, Rin removed her hand from Saber's mouth. "This is exactly the sort of thing you're not supposed to be doing, okay?! Just—just try not to draw attention to yourself."

"Ah. I see. That might be impossible. I draw attention with my mere existence. However, I shall try."

Rin blew upward at her fringe in frustration. "Come on. Let's get this over with."

That was easier said than done. Her classmates—the ones she normally ignored save for polite hellos—were interested to learn about the pretty foreigner in a track suit. The boys especially couldn't keep their eyes off her chest. All the while, Saber basked in their attention, although thankfully she was being discreet with her answers.

Things got a little strange when Kuzuki showed up for homeroom. At the sight of him, Saber began bouncing up and down so fast she could jackhammer through the floor. Kuzuki narrowed his eyes at her from behind his glasses, but apparently decided to ignore her presence, because homeroom ended without incident.

"That man," whispered Saber in her ear after he had gone, "He has an unseeming strength." Her eyes were alit with a terrifying gleam of anticipation. "I shall know his skill."

Him? Kuzuki? Admittedly he was a bit of an odd one, but other than his deathly gaze and his stiffed reservedness, he'd never shown signs of being anything more than a boring schoolteacher. "No fighting teachers!" Rin hissed. Saber looked disappointed at the rebuke, but didn't move, and even ceased her quivering, which was a relief.

The first two periods went by without much more than curious glances from each of her teachers. Third period...

Third period was a problem.

Third period was Gym class.

She snagged Saber's arm so she wouldn't join the boys as they filed out of the room. The other girls drew the blinds shut so that everyone could change.

Rin didn't change, which would have been difficult anyway as Saber was wearing her winter Gym clothes, and Rin would rather not run around in shorts and a t-shirt in 4°C weather. Unless she planned on stripping Saber in the middle of class, sitting out for the day was her only option. Not that she minded that one bit. She hated feeling gross the rest of the day after sweating it up in Gym.

Looking up, Rin pulled Saber's shirt back down over her scandalously skimpy bra and threw the jacket Saber had dumped on Rin's desk back at her. "Put that back on," she ordered.

"Mmm, I wish to avail myself of this bounty of flesh," Saber protested a little too loudly. "as is my imperial right!"

That got whispers starting among the girls, which Rin fought to ignore. "Your imperial right is mistaken—" you complete idiot "—they're only changing for Gym—" you absolute moron "—so just... just sit still, all right?"

"Miss Rin, I sense you find something irksome."

"Oh, really?" was Rin's strained reply. "Whatever would make you say that?" She smiled brightly as she spoke.

Saber actually shivered. "You ask a question, and yet I sense you seek no answer."

Rin leaned back in satisfaction at Saber's response. Oh, yes, the unnerved expression that flashed across her face was something to be treasured.

"Terrorizing Servants. You are truly a cold and heartless Master, Rin."

Rin jumped up at the sudden baritone whispering in her ear (figuratively). She'd almost forgotten about the jerk, and the reminder that he was around made her frown. "You'd better not be watching my classmates change, Archer," she replied in her own head. Half a week and she still found the sensation odd.

He chuckled. "I make no promises."

"Drown in your perversions and die."

She was still grumbling about perverted Heroic Spirits as her class assembled on the field. With a quick excuse to the Gym teacher, who honestly looked like she didn't give a flying—well anyway, a quick excuse later and she was sitting on the sidelines, watching her classmates take turns running sprints.

Well, her classmates and Saber.

...Maybe sitting out was a bad idea after all.

Saber looked like she was enjoying herself, which would have been fine for Rin if she weren't also completely blowing all of the school's records out of the water. So much for not drawing attention! Worse still, the rest of the class were absolutely unaware of the sheer disadvantage they were at. They weren't soaking in magical energy amplified by the universal belief in their heroic deeds. It was blatantly unfair.

"Argh!"

Rin turned toward the outrage but didn't move. Instead she sat back to watch the drama unfold.

"This outsider is making a mockery of the Track Team!" First was Makidera Kaede, an entertaining if sometimes annoying girl who, naturally, was on said Track Team. They weren't close, but Rin liked to think of her as a friend. "What's with people like her looking down on people who work hard at pushing their bodies to their limits?!"

"Um." Saegusa Yukika looked unsure. Although that was almost a permanent expression on her face, the girl was so meek. "She looks really happy just to be running. I don't think she's looking down on us."

"You serious, Yukicchi?" Makidera's face turned incredulous. "I mean, look at her!" She needlessly pointed at Saber, just as she finished another sprint. The Gym teacher's whistle fell from her lips, her eyes wide with shock as she stared at her stopwatch. "You agree don't you, Kane?!"

"Don't drag me into this." Finally, Himuro Kane completed the trio. Amazing how the reasonably level-headed Himuro and Saegusa could be such good friends with the... energetic girl that was Makidera. "You're the one complaining, so why don't you do something about it?"

"Geez, aren't friends supposed to be, yanno, supportive?" Makidera ran a hand through her short hair. "Whatever!" She raised her voice. "Hey, you! Blondie!"

Rin's stomach lurched, but she remained a passive observer. Morbid curiosity, it seemed, was a strong, magnetic force.

"What-ho!" said Saber. "What do you implore of my majesty, fine sun-kissed beauty?"

"Uh, wha—?" Makidera blinked a few times before finding her bearings. "You! You think your... your... charms'll throw me off so easily? Heck no! I, the Black Panther of Homura, challenge you to a race!"

The self-proclaimed title made Rin snort. "Really?"

And she wasn't the only one chiming in. "Another cat? Isn't Tiger-sensei enough?" "Who the heck challenges someone nowadays? This isn't an anime." "Does she expect people to call her that?"

Unperturbed by the declaration, Saber responded with the same amount of energy, "Then I, the Servant of the Sword, take up your gauntlet! How shall we compete?"

Rin's palm met her face. Seriously? Introducing herself as a Servant?

"Holy—she actually accepted?" "Is that sort of thing normal in America?" "Idiot! Just cause she's blonde doesn't make her American. She could be British!" "Somehow 'Servant of the Sword' is worse than 'Black Panther of Homura'." "... I think it's cool."

Makidera looked taken aback at the casual acceptance of her challenge, but she recovered quickly. "Three sprints. 100 meters, 200 meters, then 400 meters," she listed off. "Lowest total time is the winner. Understand?"

"It's not the hair, it's the boobs!" There was a beat of silence. "Uh, sorry. Don't mind me."

"Indeed! Shall we race at sundown, or perhaps do you wish to draw the curtain a fortnight hence, that we might train our bodies to perfection in the meantime?"

"What? No! We're doing it right here, right now!" Makidera looked at the Gym teacher. "You ready, Coach?"

The teacher blinked slowly back at Makidera. "I didn't agree to—you know what? Fine. Whatever. I don't even care anymore. Let's get this over with."

That response caught Rin off guard, and it spun its own series of whispers as the two bull-headed nincompoops readied themselves on the track.

"First up, the 100-meter dash. On your marks! Get set! Go!"

Makidera didn't stand a chance. As expected. Saber passed the finish line so fast the teacher almost forgot to hit the timer when Makidera finished. "Eight point five seconds," the teacher said, looking at Saber in total awe. Which was understandable. Not only had she demolished Makidera, but apparently, she'd crushed the Olympic record, too, if Rin's classmates were to be believed.

Makidera looked incensed. "That... that was just a fluke! Fine! Let's see how you do with 200 meters!"

Saegusa tried to get her friend's attention. "Um, Maki-chan. Don't you think that—?"

"Gladly! The fire in my heart burns at the thought!"

Saegusa's expression turned distressed, but Himuro was already talking. "It's fine, Yukika. Maki will just have to deal with a bruised ego. Even with that thick skull of hers, she should've already realized she's in over her head."

"I know but..."

The 200 meters went exactly the same way. Makidera ate Saber's dust, and Saber broke another Olympic record.

"Is this for real?" "What kind of monster is she?" "Nobody's going to believe us, are they."

Thank goodness "it's magic" was so far down the list of possible explanations that nobody ever took it seriously. Rin really didn't want to have to deal with covering up this incident. The fake priest was unpleasant enough just in day-to-day interactions. The last time they'd taken such actions... Rin shuddered. Nope. Not going to think about it.

Then, finally, they ran the 400 meters, and Makidera was so thoroughly smoked the teacher didn't even bother timing her. Rin amused herself with the idea that if Makidera had been timed properly, she might have actually set a personal best. Ah, if only.

Makidera, panting, stumbled over to where Saber posed, arms akimbo, in victory. "You... You'll..."

Whatever Saber was or would be, Makidera never revealed because Himuro and Saegusa dragged her away before she could finish.

Saber bounced toward Rin, looking unaffected by her super-human physical exertions. "Oh, frabjous day, Miss Rin! I was unmatched, was I not? I was unfathomable, was I not? Alas, were only Praetor here to observe my achievements!" which Rin thought was an odd term for bullying high school Track Team girls. "Perhaps I should demand a trophy of my victory that Praetor might have something to display for his visitors."

"No. Don't."

Gym class mercifully ended with no further incidents, although Makidera kept sending scathing glares from behind Saber's back, and Saber kept... being herself.

For fourth period they had Fujimura, who kept giving Rin disapproving, worrying, or suspicious glances throughout the class period. On the other hand, she waved happily at Saber, who gave her a jubilant response in return. Other than that, fourth period was uneventful, which Rin hoped was a sign that the day had no more surprises up its sleeve.

After fourth period came time to murder Emiy—er, lunch time. She marched out of the classroom at the bell and stalked straight down the hall to class 2-C, dragging Saber along, who didn't even have time to protest or resist. She waited in the doorway, smiling her best "I'm definitely not going to flay you alive," smile.

Emiya didn't notice at first, until a worried-looking classmate poked his shoulder. The terror in his face spoke volumes. "T-Tohsaka!" he yelped.

"Hey, Emiya-kun," she said, her voice dripping saccharin. "We need to have a little chat."

He gulped and hesitated. Funny. She'd begun to think he had no sense of self-preservation. Then he walked over to her rigidly. From the expression on his face, you might think he was on his way to the gallows.

Well, that wasn't entirely wrong.

As soon as he was within arm's reach, Rin had already clawed into the fabric of his jacket, tugging him along with one hand while her other wrapped around Saber's wrist. As they walked Rin repeated the mantra to herself.

Must not murder him in public.

"T-Tohsaka, hold on a moment!"

Must not murder him in public.

"Praetor, with my pride I am loath to admit such, but Miss Rin's grip is of uncanny strength."

Must not murder him in public.

They swept up past the top floor and exited into the cool, relieving breeze of the school roof. The closest there was to a private place during lunchtime. Nobody went up here.

Rin basked in that breeze for a while, looking past the fence at the expanse of sky and earth in the distance. She breathed in deep through her nostrils and didn't say anything. A minute. Then another. More deep breaths.

Then after the long silence, she turned around.

A nervous sweat had broken out on Emiya's forehead, and he jumped at her sudden motion. "Er, Tohsaka. What did you want to talk about?"

"Emiya," she said, not even bothering with the honorifics. Still she plastered the sickeningly sweet smile on her face again. "Take back your goddamned Servant."

"Um—what?"

"I said. Take. Your goddamn. Servant. Okay?" Smile.

Emiya gulped, and for a long uncomfortable moment he looked too stunned to respond, and so it was great relief when he finally stammered out, "O-okay."

"Good," she said, drawing it out. She let him back down gently and let her iron grasp on his jacket loosen. "Good," she repeated. "I'm glad we had this chat. Your cooperation is greatly appreciated. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to have a nice, calm, quiet lunch. Alone. Ta!"

Then she sauntered down the stairs with a swing in her step. She still wanted to kill him, but she was too happy to be rid of Saber to care. She didn't even care that she'd dropped her façade in front of the first years giving her wide berth.

"Rin," Archer started. Rin prepared for the worst. "Sorry to disappoint, but Emiya still hasn't soiled himself at the sight of you."

"Ruin my appetite, Archer, and I will kick you in the balls so stupidly hard it'll make your teenage self cry. Then maybe he'll think twice about becoming you."

For a moment, there was no response. Then, "That's perfect. I knew I could count on you, Master."

Rin rubbed her forehead. "No. I'm not even going to attempt to figure that one out."

The final class of the day came to an end, and Rin hated everything.

Bad enough that she hadn't brought any lunch with her, the shop had sold out of sandwiches and rice balls, and even if she was desperate enough to try the stuff they cooked up in the lunch room, the line was so long people were overflowing into the halls.

Seriously, were they serving ambrosia in there?

All that meant that by the end of the day, Rin's stomach was threatening to eat itself in protest, and it was taking all of her willpower not to just dash out of the room for the nearest convenience store. But one must keep up appearances, so Rin oh-so-slowly packed her books and pencils and walked out at a sedate pace.

She saw Emiya in the hall—and he saw her. Saber was with him, and Rin fought down a cringe. Thankfully, he casually avoided meeting her eyes as he turned into the stairwell and headed down. Good.

She followed not quite exactly behind him, but he never really outpaced her either, so by the time they'd left the school, they were at the exact distance where if you decided to hold the door open for someone, they'd have to hurry up not to make you wait, and if you decided not to, it felt like slamming the door in their face.

Emiya, apparently, was the type to hold open the door. And Rin involuntarily quickened her pace. Which kind of pissed her off.

There was a gathering crowd lingering in the front yard near the entrance. As she pushed through, she heard whispers.

"Who is that little girl? Is she waiting for someone?"

"Is he a prince? He looks so pretty!"

"Her hair is so white! What a lovely color!"

"Is it just me who thinks he looks like a girl?"

She caught sight of the two targets of observation, and she really shouldn't have been surprised at who she found, but before she could stop herself, she had already yelped, "Illyasviel?!"

Illyasviel and her Servant loitered at the gate. Saber looked serene as always, but Illyasviel had a small but intense frown, but at her name she looked up and found Rin. "You! Where is he?!" Illyasviel stomped up toward Rin, and the crowd parted to make a path. "Where's Shirou?!" She still sounded congested.

Rin looked behind her, but Shirou had vanished. "No clue," she said. "Now if you'll excuse me..." She attempted to push past, but Illyasviel held her ground.

Illya grabbed at Rin's coat. "Tell be! Tell be where he i—-AH-CHOOOOO!" And Rin felt the wetness of the mucus on her clothes.

"Eugh! Listen here you little br—" Rin paused, remembering the audience. "I'm going to get myself cleaned up." Ugh, she'd have to pick up some detergent too. She'd drained the last of it washing her clothes after Saturday.

"Hey, Blondie!"

Somehow Makidera's voice shouting over the crowd sent a shiver down Rin's spine. A bad omen.

"Hey! Blondie!" Makidera attempted to squeeze through to the front. "Augh! Get out of the way!" When she finally stumbled out of the throng, she caught her breath and pointed dramatically at Lancer. "You think you can just run away after you humiliated me? Screw that! I challenge you to a rematch!"

Lancer pointed at himself in confusion and received a nod. "I'm afraid I don't know what you're—"

"Don't play dumb!" Then Makidera turned toward Rin, and it occurred to her that she really should have left while everyone was distracted. "Tohsaka, you know each other. Back me up here!"

"Don't even think of bringing me into this, Makidera."

"Um, Maki-chan, I don't think they're the same person." Saegusa popped her head out from the crowd, followed by Himuro.

"I agree with Yukika," Himuro added, her gaze locked onto Lancer's chest. "That's obviously a different person."

"Are you kidding me? This one looks exactly the same!"

Makidera could be forgiven for confusing them of course. Saber and Lancer had practically identical faces that you could only really tell apart when you compared them side by side. They even had the same hair, although Saber usually had her hair in a bun, and Lancer had a ponytail.

Still, it was hard to miss the biggest difference between them.

"Ah, I see," Lancer said, his voice calm and soothing. "You must have mistaken me for—"

"There's no mistake! I, the Flaming Black Panther, am challenging you to a rematch! Do you accept?!"

The crowd burst into whispers. "Wasn't she something else earlier?" "There's gotta be better names than 'Flaming Black Panther'." "That's definitely not the same person. No boobs!"

Lancer held his hands up. "I'm afraid I don't even know what—"

"He accepts!" Illyasviel's voice cut through Lancer's mild response. "No way the legendary King Arthur would ever turn down a challenge from a loser like you!"

"Who are you calling a loser, you brat?!"

"Obviously I'm calling the one who lost so hard she needed a rematch to feel better about herself a loser!" Illyasviel laughed. "No way King Arthur would ever lose to someone like that!"

"Okay, that King Arthur thing is really starting to confuse me." Makidera turned her ire toward Lancer instead. "We're racing from here to the big bridge. First one that crosses wins."

"Makidera, need I remind you that you're a sprinter? The bridge is several kilometers away." Himuro attempted to be the voice of reason for once, but Makidera just waved her off.

"It's no big deal. I've done longer runs."

"When?"

Makidera coughed into her fist. "Anyway, I'll give you half an hour to prepare, Blondie. Things won't turn out the same as last time."

"I don't—"

"You're going down!" Illyasviel jeered.

Before it could dissolve into an exchange of insults, Rin decided it was time to bail, so she snuck past Illyasviel, Lancer, and Makidera, and made a mad dash toward the convenience store around the corner to buy something to eat.

"Rin." Archer's disembodied voice echoed in her ears while Rin tried to figure out if she wanted a chicken sandwich or a tomato sandwich. "I think one of us should stay behind and wat—keep an eye on the other Servants. Make sure there isn't any trouble. I volunteer myself."

"Just go." Idiot.

"I heard that."

The faint presence left her mind, and Rin ended up picking both sandwiches. Screw dinner. She was hungry now. Grabbing a stain-remover stick and a package of moist towelettes, she rang up her purchases at the register. It took some effort, but she was able to clean herself off pretty painlessly.

"She'd better not have gotten me sick, though."

With that task dispose of, she moved onto calming her stomach with a well-earned meal. She popped the chicken sandwich out of its plastic and munched on her lunch-cum-snack as she walked home in relative peace and quiet.

No Servants, no idiots, no problems.

At least for a little while. She gobbled up the rest of her sandwiches and stretched, watching the orange of the sunset fading in at the horizon. She couldn't remember the last time she was able to just relax. As long as she could remember, the Holy Grail War had hung over her head like her own Sword of Damocles. There was no time to waste—if she was caught unprepared, she'd lose, even die.

She knew that better than anyone.

And yet, this war had been nothing like it she'd expected. Bumbling idiots, annoying brats, allies, rivals, friends? What were they to each other? And why the hell wasn't anyone actually fighting for the Grail?!

"Ah. Home, sweet home." She looked up at her own house. Not quite a mansion, but still much too big for only one person. The walk to school was maybe fifteen or twenty minutes at her normal pace, so the sun was only just hovering above the horizon, and everything cast long shadows eastward.

How bothersome that only a few houses down was where Sakura lived with the Matou, and yet a fence stood between them, intangible but impassable all the same. She could even see the Matou home peeking from behind the other houses.

"That's enough thinking about that."

Was it just her who liked to speak aloud when no one was around to hear? Maybe she just liked the sound of her own voice.

"It's good to have a break from things every now and then."

And it really was.

"Although I kind of regret missing out on the race."

It was just a race, after all. She hadn't been able to enjoy Saber's utter demolition of Makidera at the time, but looking back on it now with a less empty stomach and a reduced amount of stress...

"Yeah, looking back on it, it was kind of funny."

Oh, well.

With a last look at the sunset, Rin made for the door.

Then she heard it. It was faint at first, so she couldn't tell what. Then it got closer and louder and—

"Aaaaauuuuuuggggghhhhh!"

"TRULY THIS IS A CONTEST WORTHY OF MY EFFORTS!"

"FASTER, SHIROU! LANCER, STOP BEING A COWARD AND FIGHT!"

"I... CAN'T... TOO... TIRED...!"

"RRRRAAAAAAARGH!"

This couldn't be happening.

Lancer shouldn't have been anywhere near here. The bridge was practically a straight path from the school—not even an idiot could get lost going straight. Illya was riding on Emiya's shoulders, and he'd collapsed onto the ground, unable to catch his breath with Illya bouncing in excitement. They would have been here chasing after Lancer. And obviously Saber had followed her Master.

But then who the hell was the man running on all fours like a dog?! He had to be a Servant, right? "Archer! What the hell happened to 'making sure there isn't any trouble', huh?!"

"I apologize, Master. Saber drew the attention of a rabid dog and got lost during the chase."

"This isn't the time for jokes, Archer!"

"I agree, Rin, which is why—watch out!" Archer faded into view just in time to push Rin out of the way of a falling body. Saber's to be precise.

Saber rolled onto her feet and wiped some blood of her lip with her thumb. She hefted her sword, a longsword with undulating edges that couldn't decide if it wanted to be red or black and settled with a combination of both that reminded Rin of glowing coals in a fire. "At last! A chance to test my mettle! Defend yourself, foul beast!"

"Lancer, hurry up and beat him already!"

"As you say, Master!" Lancer hefted his weapon, a long slim spear, pure white and emitting a soft glow that seemed somehow... sad. "Here I come!"

"Wait! Saber!" Archer shouted, and Lancer froze mid stride.

"Don't call me Saber!" he shouted, but Archer ignored his protests. Instead he plucked the spear from Lancer's hands. "Wha—?!"

"I'll get rid of this for you." Then, before Lancer could react, Archer lifted two fingers to his lips and blew a loud clear whistle. "Hey, Lancer! FETCH!"

"What?" asked Lancer.

What? thought Rin.

Then he threw the spear.

Lancer looked on in wide-eyed shock as the dog man thing leapt into the air and caught it in his mouth, leaving a trail of slobber all over the shaft. "Rhongo—urk!"

"Okay, okay, time out. I understand calling mistaking Lancer for Saber, but how the hell does that look anything like Lancer?!"

Archer ignored Rin and instead pulled a broadsword from the same place he pulled his other swords from. "Here," he said, shoving it into Lancer's hands. "Can't be Saber if you're not using a sword, right?"

"Says the guy calling himself Archer without using a bow," mumbled Rin.

"I am not Saber!" Notably, he didn't get rid of the sword. Rin was no expert, but Lancer even looked more comfortable with it in his hands than he had with the spear.

"Oho! You think yourself a swordsman?" Saber looked at her twin appraisingly then swung her overlarge sword. "Then let us see who of us shall land the finishing blow!"

The doglike Servant spat the spear into his waiting hand and loosed a howl before rushing toward the two Servants with a blinding speed a man like him shouldn't have had. He used the spear like he'd never held another weapon in his life, each blow coming more swiftly than the last, and each coming ever closer to hitting its mark before being battered away by one sword or the other.

The battle shifted when Lancer's sword shattered against the haft of his own spear, and he was forced to retreat to avoid getting skewered, leaving Saber to fend off the beast man alone—a task she met with her usual eager overenthusiasm. "Aha! Fall back, Lancer! It seems victory is mine!" She punctuated the statement by punting her beast-like opponent away.

Right next to Rin's house.

Oh, no.

"For the grand finale, my greatest work, unready still for watching eyes! Celebrate that you will be the first to see its glory!" Saber shouted, her lips curved into a smile. "Prepare yourself, Beast, and be moved!"

No no no no no no...

"Indeed! No play nor song became revered without rehearsal!" She brought her sword next to her thigh and began to swing it upward like a hand on a clock.

...no no no no no no...

"Dance of Terpsichore!" The sword began to glow. "Song of Euterpe!" It passed over her head and in a burst of fire. "Humor of Thalia!" The flames licking the blade grew hotter. "Ardor of Erato!" Finally, the sword reached her other thigh.

...no no no no no no...

"O Muses, Set us ablaze in fiery passion!" She lifted the flaming sword up so that the handle butted against her chest, and held it parallel to the ground, pointing at toward the other Servant, who had already recovered and coiled up to pounce.

...no no NO NO NO NO...

"Recensendum: Fax Caelestis!"

"NO!"

She thrust forward, and her sword left behind a trail of flames. Her opponent met her halfway—but it was impossible to tell what happened then, even as they shot past each other. Saber wobbled but stuck her sword in the ground to steady herself. "A splendid performance!" she said, holding up her arms to an imaginary crowd.

Then—with a deafening crack like thunder—everything exploded.

Rin instinctively crossed her arms over her face, but she still caught a faceful of dust that led to watering eyes and heaving coughs that made her lightheaded. When the dust (and her windpipe) finally cleared, she peered out from underneath mostly closed eyelids to survey the damage.

The beast man had caught fire and was rolling haphazardly in the dirt to try to put it out. Lancer had been too close and was picking himself off the ground, covered in bruises and small scratches. Shirou and Illya had been tossed around but seemed otherwise unharmed. Archer was nowhere to be seen.

And her house—

Saber, rather than looking at all apologetic, puffed with pride. "That was supposed to happen."

Nothing was left of the front of the house but rubble and splintered wood. What used to be a sitting room had been crushed under the weight of the floor above. The canopy bed in Rin's bedroom had flipped upside down before it landed in the kitchen. Her dresser had spilled her socks and underwear all over the dining room table. The refrigerator had dumped all of its contents into the downstairs shower.

"H-hey, Tohsaka..." Whatever idiotic thing Emiya wanted to say was lost to time by Illaysviel's sudden realization.

Illya stamped her foot. "Lancer! Enough wasting time! You've got a race to finish! If you lose..."

"R-right! I'm definitely not losing!" With those shaky words, Lancer vanished in a burst of speed.

"Oho! You think to take advantage of my diverted attentions and claim victory thus? I think not! Indeed, Praetor, I have revealed unto you my strength, now witness my swiftness!" Then Saber too was gone.

Illya leapt onto Emiya's shoulders and steadied herself on them as he attempted to stay balanced. "After them, Shirou!"

With a confused sound and a last look at Rin, Emiya complied, but since he wasn't a spirit summoned from some vaunted age of heroes, he wasn't nearly fast enough for Illya, who kept jabbing her heels into his arms. "Ow! That hurts, Illya!"

"Faster, Shirou!"

Rin noted all of this passively, because her brain was still stuck on the notion that her house was practically demolished and completely unlivable.

The last of her "guests" whined pitifully on the ground as the last of his flames went out.

"Haaah, haah, hey! Cu!"

The new arrival caught Rin's attention. She wasn't Japanese, that was for sure. Her short hair was a deep burgundy, probably dyed, and she kept tugging at the hem of her short, skintight dress, as though it were possible for it to show less of her thighs.

"S-sorry," she said, trying to catch her breath. It took her a few seconds. "Sorry. Really out of shape. Anyway, this is my..." Her eyes darted left, right, up, down, everywhere for a few tense moments. "...pet."

"Mm-hmm."

"I'm sorry if he caused any trouble..." She trailed off looking at the busted pipes spewing water like a demented water fountain. "He just keeps getting loose, you know?" She giggled so fakely that her pitch went up several octaves. "Guess that's what leashes are for, huh?"

"Mm-hmm."

"Anyway, here!" She shoved a bottle into Rin's hands. "It's a sample of FlowersByKenzo, KENZO's latest scent. For the trouble. Come on, Cu! Heel!"

With something that sounded like bizarre bark, the man bounded over to the unknown woman—the unknown Master—because what else could this "Cu" be but a Servant? She scratched behind his ears unconsciously.

BRRRIIINNNGGGG!

The sound made them all jump, and Cu in particular became very agitated. They turned their heads toward the source of the sound. The Tohsaka's only telephone.

With trepidation, Rin stepped through the rubble, to stare at the offending piece of technology.

BRRRIIINNNGGGG!

It rang again, and Rin gingerly picked up the receiver. "Hello?"

A familiar and very loud voice crackled through. "Tohsaka! You'll never believe this!"

"...Makidera?"

"Yukicchi was right! That guy was a different person. And a guy! Not only that, he beat me in the race, too! I thought I was home clear, then zoom straight out of nowhere, he just blazes past me! And then the original Blondie showed up! And he says they aren't related. That's cold, disowning your own sister like that. But anyway—"

The receiver met the base of the phone so suddenly, the plastic cracked. She didn't have time for this. She could already hear the sirens in the distance, come to investigate the explosion.

"They took off," came Archer's voice from behind her. He leaned against the remainder of a brick wall. The other Master and her Servant had indeed gone. "You know, I'm disappointed, Rin. Emiya's rudeness must be rubbing off on you. You didn't even say goodbye."

She threw the bottle of perfume at him.

He caught it with no apparent effort. "Look on the bright side," he said casually as Rin stomped toward him. "That woman, Taiga, already thinks you're staying at Emiya Shirou's house due to an issue with the pipes."

"Hey, Archer." She smiled as she said it. Nothing at all like her usual mask. This one was cracked and broken. Her eye twitched. So did her lips.

"Yes, Master?" If he knew what was coming, he gave no indication of it.

"Shut. The hell. Up."

Then with the power of ten hours of pent up frustration, her foot smashed into his crotch.

Next time on The Emperor's New Clothes...

"R-Rider! When I told you to run, I meant to take me with you!"

The Gingerbread Man!

See you then! ❤

Hey, there readers, old and new. This chapter has been a long time coming, so I finally took the last few weeks trying to jam this one out. It's a little rough. Didn't have time for much revision or beta, since I wanted to make this very special deadline. Again, shout outs to Sad Frog. Without you this chapter would probably never have come out.

Also, I know it's been over a year since the last chapter, but unfortunately this fic is always going to be a bit in the backburner for me. I've got too many ideas rolling around in my head to stick with just this one, I'm afraid. I do have small synopses for each of the remaining twelve (Twelve?! Oh god) chapters, but they're not very detailed at the moment.

Who knows, I might be motivated to update this one again sooner. I do feel a bit guilty just leaving it hanging for so long. And guilt can be a powerful motivator...

Thanks for sticking around! Hope you enjoyed the story!

Thanks again to Raiyoukai for constantly bugging me, but also for helping me bounce ideas around.

And for all of you who read, reviewed, liked, disliked, favorited, followed, shared, praised, bashed—a heartfelt thank you for giving this your attention and time. I really do appreciate it.

This is andi, signing off.

Later!