BAU LIfe

"This is starting to become a habit with you," Dave said as he poured more alcohol into Spencer's glass.

Leaning back and puffing out the cigar smoke, Spencer turned his head slightly towards Dave to acknowledge the comment. "Perhaps, but I certainly don't consider it a bad habit."

"Never said it was bad, just a habit."

"Hmm…" Spencer

Dave looked at the younger man currently leaning back in an attempt at relaxation. To most he would appear to be the epitome of calm. To those who knew him, there was a certain stiffness and tensions to the way he held his body. He wasn't worried though, he knew that the young man would eventually start talking and once he did, he would truly relax.

"Any particular reason for this salon?"

Spencer looked at Dave thoughtfully, "You have always been Aaron's person. I mean, you have known him longer than anyone else. You mentored him as a young agent at the BAU and up until he left the unit for the Academy, you were his right hand man. Over the years I like to think that we have come to have a relationship where I can consider you my person too."

Dave looked down in his glass, watching the amber liquid swirl in the glass. He looked back up, his eyes meeting Spencer's. "I think that is a fair statement. My relationship with you is different from that of mine with Aaron. What is this about? Are you worried that I cannot be neutral between you two?"

"No, not that. More that, so much has changed. I am still trying to wrap my head around it. I do best with facts and figures. I need to be able to spell things out for myself and see the connections, the patterns to understand it. I'm just trying to understand where I am headed."

Dave chuckled darkly, "If you keep up the great work that you are doing as unit chief you are likely headed straight to the top of the FBI."

Spencer blushed, ducking his head and taking a drag on his cigar to avoid looking at Dave. "I'm not doing anything special. I just keep asking 'What would Aaron Do' whenever I don't know what to do."

"This isn't just about the FBI though, is it? If it were you would be having this conversation with Aaron. I've topped out at the Bureau and I don't regret it. You also aren't into writing non-technical documents so you aren't here because I'm a best selling author. Which means that you are here because you have questions about where you are headed regarding the Navy."

"And we have a winner!" Spencer raised his glass in a mock salute. "Don't let anyone ever tell you that you are losing your touch with old age."

"Oh be quiet, whippersnapper," Dave grinned. "But before you shut your mouth, tell me what is going on."

"I found out that I was selected to promote to Lieutenant Commander," he said quietly.

"Selected to promote? That's great news! Why aren't we all out celebrating this?" Dave said. He looked as though he was ready to grab his phone and invite everyone over to do just that.

Spencer looked at him, "Because I don't know if I should accept the promotion or just cut my losses and leave the Navy. I was doing fine just being the lame Lieutenant. People are going to have expectations though when I promote. They are going to expect me to know things and do things and I don't know if I can."

Dave's eyebrow raised. "When you promote? Sounds like you already decided it is happening."

"Oh, don't get me wrong, I want this promotion. I feel like I worked damn hard to get it. I just don't know if I'm ready or ever will be."

"And were you ready to be promoted to unit chief?"

Spencer looked thoughtful for a minute, "I didn't think I was until I had Aaron basically smack me upside the head. After he did that I realized that I knew how to do it but that I was just too scared. It really hasn't been that bad, for the most part. "

"Ah, I think I know which part you mean. She really hasn't made your life easy has she? Still, you aren't drawing any parallels to what is happening now with the Navy?" Dave said, trying desperately not to grin at his clueless boss.

"No, this is Navy stuff. It isn't like the BAU."

"It isn't?"

"Dave," he said in an exasperated voice. "I've been working in the BAU for over 13 years. I've only been in the Navy for about 10 years. I was trained and groomed for the BAU. I've done what, one weekend a month and two weeks a year plus a deployment that I never even finished? You simply cannot compare the two given the time and energy I've devoted to each of them."

"For all the brains in that big old head of yours, you really can be an idiot," Dave said.

That statement startled Spencer. "What do you mean? I'm not an idiot!"

"Yes you are. You say you don't have experience but I guarantee that you have more than enough. I know you are up to date on all the research, what do you know about imposter syndrome?"

"Well, it is the feeling of being a fraud or being undeserving of current position or accomplishments. Recent studies have estimated that upwards of 70% of people experience it at some point," he responded automatically. "Your point?"

"Ever think that you could be part of that 70%?" Dave gently nudged.

Spencer looked away from Dave and focused at a point that only he could see. After a few minutes of staring off into the distance, he looked at Dave. "Do you really think that I can do it?"

"I don't think, I know, kid. Now, can I start planning your promotion party?"

Laughter bubbled out of Spencer, "Not yet. Besides, I don't even put it on until January."

"Even better! More time to plan the festivities!"

BT

Aaron had never been so grateful as when the doorbell rang that morning. Throwing it open, he was relieved then to find that it was in fact Spencer's friend Adam. "Good, you are here. He is upstairs and your problem now." He said sharply as he stepped aside to let the younger man enter.

"And good morning to you too, Hotch," Adam said as he toed off his shoes. By this point, Aaron had already left the entryway, retreating to the safety of the kitchen. Shrugging, Adam started toward the steps and Spencer.

When he reached the top of the stairs, he paused. It was quiet, almost too quiet. Based on the frazzled man downstairs, he expected Spencer to be racing around trying to get everything ready for the promotion ceremony that was happening later that day. Cautiously, he made his way down the hall to what he assumed was the master bedroom. He knocked gently on the frame, calling out "Reid? Are you there?"

Adam wasn't sure how to take the response, from what he could tell it was a unique combination of laugh, sniffle, and sigh. Stepping into the room, the first thing he noticed was that the room looked as he expected, as though a tornado and hurricane has hit simultaneously. Every available surface was covered in some sort of military uniform component. From the camouflage trousers draped over the lamp to the bed and floor littered with medals, ribbons, and other accoutrement, it was hard to tell it was a bedroom and not a ransacked uniform shop. Spencer wasn't immediately visible and the worry increased. Had he gotten trapped under the ridiculous amount of uniforms? Was he being smothered right now by his dress whites or PT gear? Advancing again, he finally saw Spencer, thankfully appearing physically unharmed by the garments surrounding him.

Spencer sat on the floor the bedroom he shared with his husband, back to the door. From what Adam could see, Spencer had gotten distracted by something while getting dressed. Whatever it was still had him distracted enough to ignore Adam's presence in the room. "Dude, what happened in here?"

At first, Spencer didn't give any indication that he had heard Adam. Just before the silence got awkward, Spencer spoke softly. "I forgot that he had given this back to me."

"Who gave what to you?"

"Derek Morgan. He gave me this when he was cleaning out his desk at the BAU. He told me that even though I didn't need it any more that it was rightly mine."

Despite what he was being told, Adam was still rather confused. "Gave you what?" Suddenly SPencer was lobbing something at his head. Adam ducked out of its way and it landed with a muted thump on the bed. He reached out for what he now saw to be a silver whistle on a bright blue lanyard. "A whistle? What? Was he like the unit CFL for the BAU and now that you are the big boss he thinks you need it?"

"Ha!" Spencer's laugh was sharp and brittle. "While he was the unit equivalent to a fitness leader, that isn't why he had this." He looked up at his friend who was now twirling the whistle on his lanyard. "Did I ever tell you why I joined the Navy?"

"Nope. Well, at least not that I can recall," Adam said. "I feel like there is a story here. Is there a story here? I'm going to be very disappointed if the story sucks." He looked at the whistle. "It's not gonna suck is it? It's gonna blow."

Spencer wordlessly held out his hand for the whistle. It wasn't until Adam placed it in his hand that he began speaking again. "Remember how I told you that I loved being known for something other than my brain? How I enjoyed the freedom to be 'normal'?" As Adam nodded, he continued. "I joined the FBI years before I should have been allowed. All kinds of waivers and such were given to me, including waivers for the physical portion of the Academy. I was getting over a nasty case of mono and wasn't cleared for full physical duty until several months after I graduated. Even though I did pass all of the tests, no one in my unit actually knew about it. They just saw the waivers, the big brain, and assumed I was utterly helpless when it came to anything that didn't involve solving ordinary differential equations in my head. It was frustrating but I could handle it. Until the day that I couldn't."

"What happened?"

"I failed my firearm qualification."

Adam started laughing. "YOu have got to be kidding me. You have qualified expert every single time I have known you. You are a better shot than most people in the Seabees."

Spencer grinned wryly, "I am now. Back then, not so much. It didn't help that I was distracted that morning on the range but...I failed. When I got to the office word had already spread. Did I mention that almost everyone at the FBI was under the impression I was useless in physical situations, including firearms?" He shook his head, "Word had already reached the unit and Morgan was waiting for me with the whistle. Since i couldn't carry again until I passed, he gave it to me for 'safety'. The next day I killed a man with a headshot while laying on the ground with my hands bound and using the pistol I took off Hotch after he had just kicked me."

"What the fuck?"

"I know, right? So, I give the whistle back to Derek because I obviously don't need it. The next day I come into the office it is waiting for me. He gave the fucking thing back to me. I was so pissed that I went down to vent to Garcia. She's always been a good friend and very creative. I thought she could come up with a good idea. While we were binging on pizza and Dr. Who, she suggested i join the military and come back dripping in medals and awards to show everyone that i was fully capable. We were both a bit drunk but it stuck with me and I joined the Navy. It was a couple of years before I told anyone else on the team that I was in the military."

Adam was giving him a look that even his profiling skills were having a hard time understanding. "So you joined for the glory? That...that doesn't sound like you, Reid."

"I know. That reasoning didn't last very long but it was what got me through teh front door of the recruiter's office. I don't think I woul have lasted as long as I did if I hadn't come ot my senses."

"Ok, so you aren't the selfish-prick you were starting to sound like in that story. What's the point?"

Spencer sighed, "The point is that a lot has happened since I got this whistle the first time. So much has changed. Back then, Aaron and Haley were still together and the 'IT' couple of the FBI. Gideon was still my mentor and alive, David Rossi my literary hero, and Emily had never set foot in the BAU."

"People change. It happens all the time. I'm still completely lost, dude."

"You can be incredibly dense sometime, Adam. Bottom line? I don't deserve this promotion. I don't care what anyone says about being a leader or other shit. I joined for the wrong reasons and even if they turned into somewhat acceptable ones, I still don't deserve it. Did you know I'm a drug addict, Adam? Yeah, remember years ago when we sat on the ADSEP board together? How I ran out of the building? I had to call Aaron because i couldn't reach my sponsor and I was moments away from asking that sailor who his dealer was so I could get a hit. With the exception of what they gave me when I lost my leg, I've been clean for a long time. It is hard sometimes though."

"I got nothing. That...is not what I expected. You are seriously fucking with my mind right now, Reid. What the actual?"

"I'm just trying to tell you that I don't deserve his fucking promotion. I'm fucking drug addict homosexual cripple. Why should I be entrusted to any position of authority? Why would anyone follow me?"

"They seem to follow you just fine at the BAU. Or did you forget that you are the big shot out there?"

"Ha! They follow me because they have no choice. Besides, they all believe that Aaron is pulling my strings. Besides, for the Bureau it looks great to have a 'wounded warrior' as the lead of an elite unit. If I was any kind of leader I wouldn't be having the issues I am with the team. JJ is all but out of control lately and nothing seems to work. So you see, I really suck as a leader….and that isn't even getting into the whole "I got my sailors killed on deployment"."

"Ok, hold it right there. I am beyond confused and completely out of my depth. I think you either need your husband or a professional here," Adam said holding up his hands.

Spencer sighed, "Just….just forget I said anything ok? Give me a hand." After being helped to standing, Spencer looked at his friend. "Thanks for listening even though nothing made sense. I've never been good with change and there has been a lot of that lately."

"Look, I can't say that I get it, but what I do get is that you are feeling really unsure of yourself righ tnow. I can't speak to the drugs, which I really think we need to talk about after this is all said and done, but for pete's sake, have you looked at yourself lately? You call yourself a 'drug addict, homosexual, cripple. First, why are you bringing Aaron into this? He is a great guy and if you want to be pounded or pound him, I say do it and don't tell me about it because while I love you, I saw enough when you got your tattoo. Speaking of which, how is that holding up?"

Spencer flipped him the bird as he continued.

"Remember when I was freaking out about deploying? About killing someone? About dying? About getting hurt? You told me that you had faith in me because I was strong, that I was stronger than anything that could happen to me. Well, look in the mirror buddy because you are pretty fucking strong. You have done all of that and are still here kicking. Admittedly, the kicking thing is a bit harder for you now...but still. I am getting extremely sappy as I say this, but you are beyond strong. You have handled all of this and you will keep going because you are just that fricking awesome. Besides, take it from someone who has been an O4 for a couple of years now. You won't be asked to do anything that I know you aren't perfectly capable of handling. Hell, you have a lot more responsibility and leadership stuff at the FBI than you will in the Navy here. You got this so calm the fuck down and let's go get you promoted.

Spencer raised his hands in mock surrender. "I'm not going to win this one, am I?"

"Do you ever with me?"

A small smile broke through, "Never."

"Ok, LT. Get dressed and get your ass downstairs. That's an order!" Adam barked as he grabbed the whistle off the floor and retreated to the sound of Spencer's stressed giggles. When he got to the bottom of the stairs, he could see Aaron attempting to eavesdrop and see if Spencer was better.

"Hotch, I know we don't know each other that well, but dude your husband has got issues. Here, I have a feeling that this will mean more to you than it did to me." He tossed Aaron the whistle.

"Shit, I didn't know he still had this."

Adam shrugged, "I guess Morgan gave it back to him when he was cleaning out his desk."

"And finding it today brought up a whole host of issues and insecurities," Aaron said rubbing his eyes. "I should have realized."

"Hey now, you are working on planning this party AND he probably didn't want to worry you. I'm neutral...I'm like the Switzerland of this situation and sometimes you just need the precision of the Swiss to get shit done."

"I am still grateful," Aaron continued.

"Yeah, yeah, I know. Look, I know I can come across as immature and crass, but Spencer means a lot to me. He has been a great friend and he is absolutely someone i would follow to hell and back. I also know that he doesn't believe in himself nearly as much as he should which is why it is up to people like us, those who care about him to remind him of these things." Adam sighed. "He gave me the whole spiel on how he went from failing a gun test to joining the military. Never let it be said that the guy doesn't go big or go home."

Aaron laughed, "He does have a tendency to take things to the extremes, doesn't he?"

"He does. Which is why he is now better than he was when I got here and should be ready to go soon. I'm going to go ahead and head over to base and make sure everything is set up there for the ceremony. Let me know if you need anything else."

"Thank you, Adam. I know he is my husband but, well, I don't understand this side of him the way that you do. I..."

Adam cut him off, "You would have gotten him there in one piece and more or less on time. I just sped up the process because I won't go all lovey-dovey sexy on his ass when he pouts. Toodles!"

He was out the door and down the walk before Aaron could catch his breath from laughing so hard. He wiped the tears from his eyes and turned around to see Spencer coming down the stairs in his dress blues. As usual, seeing Spencer in dress uniform took Aaron's breath. Seeing him in the finely tailored uniforms that bore the ribbons and insignia of his service and sacrifice never failed to be awe inspiring. It was more so this time than any other. He stood on the bottom step, biting his lip. One hand held the railing for balance while the other held another uniform blazer, striped with the thick-thin-thick stripes of a Lieutenant Commander, and his white combination cover.

"You look," Aaron whispered. "Amazing."

Spencer snorted, "Hardly, but thanks. I'm sorry about this morning, Love. I was just having some trouble dealing with everything. I shouldn't have taken my insecurities out on you."

"All is forgiven," Aaron replied. "Now, we need to get gong unless you want to be late to your own promotion. Doing so would piss off Dave so I really don't recommend it. Are you ready?

"As ready as I'll ever be," Spencer said giving Aaron a quick kiss. He adjusted the cover on his head and opened the door. "I'm excited to see what's going to happen next."