That's Why It's (Not) Hotter Under The Water
by Lacrimula Falsa
Summary: Tony's shower is huge and they usually have great sex. So Steve figures...why not? Turns out there are good reasons why not. [Steve/Tony, complete. For 2018 STONY MCU Bingo, "shower sex".]
Disclaimer: I do not own any part of the Marvel Cinematic Universe and/or any other Marvel franchise. I don't own the film "Ariel" or its music. I write for fun, not for profit.
Warnings!: Bad sex? (Okay, okay, I can be serious...) Sex, nudity. Non-explicit mention of water torture. (It's pretty veiled.) Mind the rating.
A/N: Written for the "shower sex" prompt on my 2018 STONY MCU Bingo card. Unbetad due to time constraints. I consider this mildly AU but your mileage may vary. This isn't super explicit so I'd rate it as a mild M. Title from the Ariel song "Under The Sea", with apologies to your childhood's innocence.
[My bingo card for thisfanbingo, together with all the filled prompts can be found here: lacrimula-falsa DOTdreamwidth DOT org SLASH 4105 DOT html (just fix the dots and slash)]
"You know, we haven't had sex in the shower yet."
Tony nearly chokes on his coffee. Steve doesn't even blush, which is a definite improvement over the early days of their relationship when Steve used to talk around the word "sex" as if saying it would set his tongue on fire. Even though a part of Tony is pretty sad to see the blush go.
Mopping up spit-out coffee with a napkin, Tony clears his throat.
"Okay, so why is Captain America thinking about sex at the breakfast table again?"
Steve shrugs.
"No reason. It's just that thinking about the news makes me angry and thinking about Avengers training makes me tired...guess my brain ran out of options this early in the morning."
The thing is, Captain America is not a morning person. Tony sympathises deeply. (And is very glad not to be dragged out of bed by a bright-eyed and bushy-tailed supersoldier at arse o'clock in the morning.) But still...
"Sex was the logical third option how?"
Steve gives Tony his best 'well duh' look.
"You're here."
Oh. Okay, that's. O-okay.
"That's actually very flattering."
"So, can we talk about it?"
"About what?"
"Why we haven't had sex in the shower. Is it about the water? You told me that in Afghanistan they used water to–"
"No!"
Steve startles at Tony's outburst, mostly because it makes Tony spill hot coffee over his hands.
"No, that's not. Uh. June and I worked on that, actually. And I shower with you just fine, that shouldn't be a problem."
Steve tilts his head, considering. He sort of wants to address Tony willingly sharing news about his therapy, but it would probably just make Tony clam up completely.
"Hm, that's fair. But still. Has shower sex just never occurred to either of us or..."
"Well, to be frank, I've never actually had sex in a shower. Any shower. Or bathtub."
Tony feels vaguely offended when Steve goggles at him.
"What, Rogers, what? Seriously, what's that look for? Most people's showers are tiny, not to mention a shower cabin's inherent slippery-ness while in use. Somebody breaking a limb isn't exactly my idea of a good time."
Steve makes an incredulous face at him.
"Tony, your shower could fit five Thors."
"Yes, okay, point. But still. It's not that I haven't ever thought about it but it just sounded like a bit of a pain."
"Well alright. It was just a thought."
And that's all Steve has to say on the subject.
A week later, Tony decides to do away with the assumption that with the Star-Spangled Man With A Plan anything is ever "just a thought".
Because that is definitely a trail of pink rose-petals leading to the bathroom.
Well, alright then. He can work with that.
"Okay, okay, whoa. As sexy as it is that you're trying to pull me in there fully clothed, my watch isn't water-proof, these shoes are real leather and I am about to slip on the flower petals."
"Well, I thought you'd come in here naked! Don't laugh, it's not funny!"
Steve is wrong though. His put out expression is hilarious.
They do eventually end up naked in the shower together and Tony warms to the idea of shower sex pretty quickly with a warm, wet and naked Steve plastered all over him.
"So, washing like this might not be – oh – efficient but it's most certainly – ah, right there, that's really, ohh – a method I approve of."
"Hm."
"You know, I never really got – fuck! – got it when people rave about having – hmm – sex in the shower but I am starting to see the – okay, definitely do that again–"
Steve takes his mouth away from where he's nibbling on Tony's hipbone.
"Tony, kindly shut up. It would really kill the mood if you got soap in your mouth."
Tony raises a brow.
"Want to find a better use for my mouth?"
Steve puts on a mock-surprised expression.
"What, you'd willingly stop talking?"
"Hey, maybe have a little respect for the guy who's about to put his teeth near your genitals."
"Just don't slip on the tiles, genius."
Tony wastes no time getting to his knees and nearly brains himself on the marble soap-rack in the process.
"What did I just– gaah! O-oh fuck."
"You were saying?"
"Shut up."
"As my captain commands."
Steve would be offended that Tony immediately spits his dick back out – he literally just washed it – except that he's worried about the coughing and spitting Tony is doing.
"Hey, hey, what's going on? Did I choke you? I'm sorry, I thought I kept still."
Tony coughs and spits some more and eventually resorts to just holding his open mouth under the shower spray.
"You have soap on your dick. It tastes awful."
Steve keels over laughing.
It takes some time for Steve to calm down, which Tony spends alternately pouting and trying not to laugh too. Afterwards, they just sort of lean against each other and make out. It's pretty great as far as Tony is concerned.
He's just about ready to try the whole blowjob thing again, given that they're now both thoroughly rinsed, when Steve pushes him away, a frown on his face.
"Tony, we're wasting a lot of water."
Tony blinks.
"Are – are you serious?"
Steve, bless him, blushes lobster-red.
"Uh. Yes? I'm sorry! It just occurred to me! I didn't think about it – stop laughing! It's about the environment! Tony! Seriously, can you be mature?"
Tony stops giggling just long enough to blurt out "Nope, no can do." before succumbing to laughter again.
Steve turns the water off. Tony laughs harder.
"Tony."
"It's about the environment!"
"Tony."
Tony takes a deep breath and wipes his eyes.
"Okay, huh, okay. I'm – I'm good now. Got it out of my system. Your face though."
Now Steve is the one pouting. It's adorable. Tony kisses him.
"No pouting, Captain Environment. Now I don't know about you, but three's the charm and I am very willing to try the whole making-out-like-teenagers shtick again."
Turns out, three's not the charm, and soap as lube burns.
"You know, I just figured 'why not?'."
Tony briefly takes the towel with ice off his face to shoot Steve a wan smile.
"Many good reasons, it turns out."
"Yeah. Guess it was hotter in that erotic novel."
Tony snorts.
"Erotic novel. You deviant, you. But seriously, don't sweat it. We tried it, it sucked. Case closed."
"But I elbowed you in the face!"
"And I burned your dick with soap. We're even."
"I'm still sorry."
"If you apologise again I will get the suit to hit you."
"We got the bed wet."
"Well, Nurse Rogers, that is officially your fault for all but throwing me on here without a towel and forcing an ice-pack on me."
"Hm-hm."
There are a few minutes of silence before Tony says
"We also haven't had sex in a car yet."
"No."
"Oh come on!"
"Tony, your cars are all tiny and I don't want to get a gearstick jammed into my spine while we have sex."
"Well I was thinking about doing it in the van, thank you very much."
"You have a van?"
"I'm a billionaire, Steve, I have everything."
"Except lube in the shower."
"It's probably safer that way."
"Oh definitely. At least this way nobody broke their penis."
"And now whatever remained of the mood is officially dead."
Steve sighs loudly.
"To be fair I'm sure that that happened a while ago."
"Can't disagree."
"You know, I have the strangest urge to tell Natasha. She's been ribbing me about all the times we showered together after missions."
Tony side-eyes Steve from beneath his ice-pack.
"If you tell Natasha I'm telling Pepper."
"Deal."
There's another pause before Steve shuffles off the bed to get a towel at last.
"If we tell them we will never live this down."
"Never."
"I hope they don't tell Clint."
Tony groans and flops back into the pillows.
~The End~
A/N: I actually wanted to write actual shower sex, mostly to see if I could. Then things got away from me. Oh well, I guess if this made somebody smile I did an okay job. Also please excuse any mistakes that may be present, I typed this while very tired.