Title: The Times Jeremy Might've Been In Love

Summary: Because we all know that Michael and Jeremy are meant to be. (Or a collection of self-indulgent Boyf Riends fic that are loosely connected.)

~.~

Post-SQUIP

~.~

Whispers echoed in Jeremy's ear, it was cruel and hurtful and as he stood in front of Michael's house, he can't help but think that what the voices were saying was correct. He really is a terrible person. And a terrible friend. A cowardly, terrible friend who can't even afford to knock and say sorry to his bestfriend who he hurt despite always staying loyal and true to him.

He raised his shaking hand but he can't quite bring it towards the door, afraid that by doing so then Michael would truly be gone.

'But isn't that what you want? After all Michael is the key to Jeremy 1.0.' Jeremy shook his head and pulled his hair to rid of the traitorous voice that sounded too much like Keanu Reeves.

"No, I-that's not what I want." He murmured as he leaned his head on the door, tears in his eyes. But it was a lie he knew, he could still remember the way his mouth moved and uttered, "Optic Nerve Blocking on."

He could still remember avoiding Michael, he could still remember the ghosting pain of loosing Michael, he could still remember feeling like a cripple, as if he lost a limb when he lost Michaela and he can't function quite right, he could still remember the sting and the pain of the shock that the SQUIP gives him every time he thinks about Michael.

And it scared him and he was alone outside and where was Michael, and for some reason desperation flooded his veins, desperation and fear and he has to see Michael, where is Michael? What if he can't see and feel Michael again? Michael, he needs Michael-

Before his brain could catch up with what he was doing, he was pounding on the door and he can't quite breathe and was it raining because his cheeks are wet and he was shuddering and shaking too much and where is Michael? He needs Michael. Michael, Michael Michael!

And he was soon calling out on him, having a panic attack outside and if someone passed by they might think that he going crazy but then the door opened and it was his Michael. His glasses-wearing Michael, who always gets high at the ridiculous times and always wears that red hoodie, his Michael who has those cute beauty marks on his face, his Michael who was always by his side, who was loyal to him, who did everything for him, it was Michael who he left and hurt over popularity.

"M-Michael,"

"Jeremy? What's wrong-"

"Michael," He sobbed and stepped forward clutching at Michael like a baby and it was ridiculous, because Michael was supposed to be the one who was hurt and crying but it was Jeremy who was crying and Jeremy hated himself more because he was so selfish and self-centered he was supposed to be the one who was comforting Michael but it was him who was welcomed and accepted with a hug, it was him who was guided towards the couch, it was him who was whispered with sweet-nothings, it was his tears that was wiped away.

How did he even come into a decision that he can live without Michael? Were his last thought before the onslaught of emotions became too much and he was soon fainting into the arms of his bestfriend.

~.~

When Jeremy opened his eyes he found himself enveloped by a familiar dark duvet that smells too much of his bestfriend, it was warm and familiar. He moaned in distress as he shifted, his cheeks sticky with tears and he already knows that his eyes was swollen before he could even see it.

He looked around the room but the owner of the cluttered room was nowhere to be found. He sat up on the bed, the blanket falling on his lap as the earlier fear and despair churned his stomach.

Where was Michael? Maybe he was downstairs. What would happen if Michael returned? Would he yell at Jeremy? Would he- would he take the chance now to break off his friendship with Jeremy? (There was a voice in the back of his head that said, weren't you the one who did that?) Jeremy tensed once again, his hand trembling slightly. Would Michael tell him how terrible he is as a person? That he was horrible and ugly and he doesn't deserve Michael and he deserves to die and maybe he should do that. He should just that die because he is horrible and terrible and he left Michael, maybe Michael would do that too. Leave him just like how Jeremy left his bestfriend. And Jeremy deserves to be abandoned because he did just that, and now Michael is going to leave him too and Jeremy would d-

The door opened and Jeremy's eyes snapped on the door. Michael entered the room, his face blank and Jeremy could feel the voices in his head worsening, a familiar voice whispering in his head that he was terrible and he should just-

"Jeremy."

"H-huh?" Jeremy stuttered and he tensed, expecting a shock of electricity but there was none and he remembered that the SQUIP was gone and he feel like a fool as he tried to relax.

"Do you need something, anything? Do you want to eat or drink, or-" Michael stopped his questioning when Jeremy shook his head a little too violently. He pulled the chair from a table in the corner and sat beside the bed watching his friend for 12 years (who abandoned you- he squashed that thought before it finished.)

"I- Michael…" Jeremy trailed off as he clenched his hand, stopping himself from fidgeting. The spectacled teen stared at him unflinchingly without emotion and Jeremy was hating himself all over again because he knows that. It was Michael's shitty coping mechanism, where he locks all those emotions away, keeps it until it rots him from the inside. And it was all his fault. "Michael, I m-missed you."

"Me too." Michael looked away from his friend and stared at his clenched hand, it hurt too much. He loves Jeremy, and he would forgive him if he apologized but it hurts. It hurts so so much.

"I just- I-I know it would never be enough and I hurt you," Jeremy swallowed back, feeling a knot in his throat and tears in his eyes. "a lot, and I'm sorry Michael. I- I'm so so sorry. Please I just…" Jeremy paused, chewing at the inside of his cheeks, not knowing what to say next so he kept quiet and looked down, guilt not letting him look at Michael's eyes. But Michael didn't say anything and Jeremy never looked up because he was scared, so scared of what he would see. The moment lasted for a few more minutes which felt hours before Jeremy found courage once again and spoke up.

"I- I want to fix this Michael, I'm so really sorry. I-I didn't know why I came to the decision that I can live without you but I was wrong and I'm s-sorry I w-want to m-make it up to you," Jeremy sobbed and took a shuddering breathe as he pressed his hands on his eyes. "B-but I don't know how. A-and I'm so stupid I'm sorry."

"I-" Michael inhaled sharply, trying to form a coherent thought amidst the rainstorm of hurt and sadness. "I thought things would be okay Jer. I thought I would feel okay once you apologized but…. I just, It hurts too much. Do you know how it feels?" Jeremy stayed quiet.

"Answer me! Do you know how it feels?!" Anger coursed at his veins and Michael tried to smother the feeling but he ended up raising his voice. He watched as his friend flinched back and sobbed a no. Michael covered his face with his hand for a moment, trying to calm himself. Hurting Jeremy emotionally would be counter-productive and they wouldn't be able to fix this if he let his emotion run.

"I lost you Jeremiah." There was a silence that felt too damning, it was tense and threatened to swallow the room whole. "You left me. And for what?" There was a laugh that was too bitter and was too sad to be Michael's. "You left me for popularity. You left me so you could fit in with all those bastards who ridiculed you and spoke bad of you. You left me for Christine. And it…. Saying that it hurts would be an understatement Jeremy."

"I-I'm so sorry Michael. I-If I could undo it I w-wouldn't do it and- I, I wished I listened to you from the start I'm so so sorry."

"But you didn't. You didn't listen to me. Who am I anyway?" The laugh he gave was as scathing and was as bitter as the one earlier. "I mean, I'm just Michael the loser, a loner and a fucking stoner. Who would want to listen to Michael who cried himself in the bathroom because his friend wouldn't listen to him and left him to be famous? Right Jeremy? Who would want to listen to a lo-"

"No! No no! Michael no your not." Jeremy said frantically as he tried to stand up from the bed and get closer to Michael.

"You know what Jeremy? I wished I offed myself instead, I wished I was never born, I-"

"Don't Michael please. You're not a loser Michael. You're not, Michael I was wrong, and I was an idiot. I'm so sorry please. Don't say that-" In his haste and probably because he was still weak from waking up, Jeremy wasn't able to steady himself and dropped in the floor.

"I'm so sorry Michael." Then he cried. He sobbed and whatever words that followed was unintelligible. Michael stayed at his seat and watched his crying friend. He tried to unbury whatever hate and anger he felt so he can feel a sense of satisfaction at watching his friend breaking in front of him pathetically just like what happened to him in the party but all he can feel was hurt and sadness.

"I know Jeremy. I know." He murmured and he finally let what his body was begging him to do and soon he was kneeling in front of Jeremy, his arms going around him. If possible, Jeremy cried harder at this and clung at his befriend.

"Shhh. Its okay Jeremy. I-" He closed his eyes, feeling the tears that evaded him earlier, spring in his eyes. "I forgive you Jer. I'm sorry too. I'm sorry that you have to get hurt like this." And they stayed like that. It felt hours and it probably was, with Jeremy clenching a fistful of Michael's hoodie as if afraid that someone would wrench him away from his friend, and Michael holding Jeremy just as hard, swearing that Jeremy would never be stolen away from him, even if Jeremy himself wished too, he swore that he would never let go.

"Michael." He said once the sobbing stopped, but he never pulled back and stayed, leaning his head on Michael's shoulder. Michael acknowledge this with a hum tightening his arms around Jeremy.

"I'm sorry, and I love you." His voice cracked and it was too thick but Michael understood all the same.

"I know Jer, and I love you too."

~.~

A/N: I love Be More Chill and Boyf Riends fuck.

I know. Poor Michael. It was funny though. *laughs. At least for me it was. This would be like a collection of BMC oneshots and some might be connected. This fic is totally for self-indulgence and you might not like some parts but well it was so I can sleep well at night and stops producing plot-fucking-bunnies.

It would be mostly Boyf Riends so ready yourself for more gay content and possibly lame-ass OCs. Its status would always be complete but I may add OS from time to time.

Hope you like it!

How Claudia Cacace drew BMC Animatics is so freaking awesome. She's so awesome I tell you. Her animatics are in high quality and her little comics were so awesome I can shed tear for every comic. Her channel in youtube is 'ClaudiaCacace' and her tumblr is 'clacomics'. I want to draw or make an animatic like her but I suck so here are some fics. But she also inspired me to practice so I can atleast be decent in drawing.

She's so awesome I swear! If Szin is THE Queen of Hamilton Animatic (Even though she quit, she would always be queen in my mind) then shit, Claudia is THE QUEEN OF BMC ANIMATIC! I wanna marry her SQUIP. She's so awesome. (She is a she, right?) And well she is planning to make an animatic for the whole musical. Bootleg and all! So yeah, you can support her on tumblr or youtube and she has .

SoyeahI'mrantinghowembarassingbye.