This story was meant to be a one-shot but I decided to write another short chapter, so now it's a two-shot. :)

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She still can't shake him.

The ghosts from her past that had begun to dissolve in Olivia's embrace have made a swift reappearance now that Amanda is back at her desk with Fin and Carisi throwing concerned glances in her direction, and she longs to have the strong, safe arms of their lieutenant wrapped around her once more. As soon as Olivia had let go of her and they had pulled away from each other in order to vacate the bathroom stall and return to the squad room, it had all come rushing right back to Amanda; the rapist they had interrogated earlier that reminded her so much of Charles Patton, and the deputy chief himself, invading her thoughts yet again.

It is all Amanda can do to remain in her chair while they finish up with their current case, desperately trying to tamp down the urge to just stride into Olivia's office and lock the door behind her, before drawing the shades so she can ask for another hug. Although her cheeks burn with shame and embarrassment for even thinking of seeking more of this sort of comfort from her boss in the middle of the workday, she can't help lifting her gaze from time to time to focus longingly on Olivia's beautiful form on the other side of the glass, watching as the older woman busily types away on her keyboard.

Every once in awhile, Olivia seems to sense that Amanda's eyes are resting on her face and those penetrating dark orbs will swing away from the computer screen, their gazes locking across the bustling room and lingering momentarily before Amanda turns her head and pretends to be concentrating on her own work. She doesn't want to admit to herself just how much she needs the other woman's soothing touch right now; that the only time Amanda has felt even remotely at ease that day is when she was nestled so tightly in Olivia's arms.

She is not used to feeling this way; has never been one to seek comfort from another person either physically or emotionally, and inwardly curses the way her brain has chosen to respond to this particular situation, conjuring up images and memories of Charles Patton that are so intense, the man might as well be sitting right there in the precinct with her. Several years after the fact, Amanda's trauma has suddenly reared its ugly head again and feels as fresh as if it had taken place only yesterday, her heart pounding with fear and her fight-or-flight instincts kicking in, even though there is nothing out of the ordinary going on in the squad room.

She feels trapped, like the walls are closing in on her and it's hard to take a deep breath, frantically schooling her features into an expression of calm detachment so Fin and Carisi will stop giving her those curious, worried looks. If Amanda simply pretends that everything is fine and she's not actually falling apart on the inside, maybe her brain and body will start to believe that she's not truly in any danger and it is just a regular day at a job that she's been doing for a very long time now.

She tries to quell any further urges to leap up from her desk and enter Olivia's office with the sole purpose of flinging herself into older woman's arms for another uncharacteristic hug, and squints hard at the words on her computer screen, fully intending on finishing her work. Concentrating on the task at hand proves to be quite difficult for the reminder of the day, and Amanda breathes a huge sigh of relief when her co-workers finally turn their computers off and stand up from their chairs in preparation to head home for the evening.

She fends off every single inquiry about how she is doing and declines an invitation for Carisi to come over and cook dinner for her and Jesse, knowing that she has to shake off this anxiety and lingering unease and pull herself together for the sake of her daughter. Amanda rakes trembling hands through her hair and feels another wave of relief when her colleagues finally stop talking and simply wish her goodnight before vacating the squad room and walking toward the elevator together.

She is determined to get herself under control enough to follow them out of the building and move on with her evening instead of perching there unsteadily in her desk chair, willing her limbs to stop shuddering enough to stagger to her feet and begin packing up her things. Amanda feels like she is frozen to the spot and unable to budge as a giant wall of panic overtakes her, gaze darting surreptitiously around the room like she expects to see their perpetrator again, or perhaps even Patton himself.

"Hey, if you're ready to leave, I'll walk out with you," a soft voice suddenly says right next to her ear, Amanda flinching violently and practically falling to the floor in surprise, not realizing that Olivia has left her office and is now standing beside her.

She doesn't dare give a verbal response or look up at the lieutenant as Olivia hovers over her with noticeable concern, a gentle hand coming to rest on her shoulder and squeezing lightly, afraid that she will shatter to pieces if she gets so much as a peek at those compassionate brown eyes. Amanda has wanted nothing more than a continuation of what they had shared in the bathroom earlier, in desperate need of that level of emotional understanding and physical comfort, but now that Olivia is there with her again, she finds that she cannot even do so much as open her mouth to request it.

"Amanda?" Olivia's tone is low and thrumming with an undercurrent of tenderness and worry, long fingers tightening slightly around her shoulder. "Are you okay? I know this has been a very tough day for you. Do you want to talk again before we leave for the night?"

"You..." Amanda trails off and coughs raggedly as she tries to speak clearly enough to be understood, wincing inwardly at the wobbling note in her voice. "You need to get home to Noah."

"And you need to get home to Jesse," Olivia replies kindly, Amanda feeling the featherlight touch of smooth fingertips ghosting through her hair before a hand is resting on her shoulder again. "But I think it's okay for both of us to spare a few minutes, if you still need to talk."

Amanda gives another harsh cough in response, unable to tell Olivia that not only is she having trouble carrying on a conversation but it seems nearly impossible to suck in a deep breath, jerking in shock when she thinks she gets a glimpse of Patton out of the corner of her eye. She struggles to communicate to Olivia exactly what is going on; that she is swiftly breaking down in the middle of the squad room and is unable to pull herself together, silently imploring the older woman for help as she stares up at her with big blue eyes that are rapidly welling with tears.

Olivia is gazing unwaveringly back at her with a slightly puckered brow and seems to understand what is happening, Amanda feeling an arm tuck itself discreetly around her ribs as her quivering body is slowly hoisted to her feet. She sways there for a moment with Olivia right by her side and the brunette's hand on her forearm holding her steady, before her boss begins walking them with measured steps toward the stairs that lead up to the crib.

"I'm so dizzy, Liv," Amanda manages to choke out once they have reached the small, cramped room, both of Olivia's arms wrapped tightly around her waist now to keep her from taking a tumble onto the hard floor.

"Okay, honey, I'm just going to help you lie down for a minute," Olivia says softly, Amanda allowing herself to be lowered gently onto one of the narrow, old beds that are scattered across the room, the springs creaking ominously beneath her slight weight.

"Lay back," Olivia instructs quietly, Amanda's eyelids squeezing shut against another bout of dizziness as she feels the other woman guiding her down onto the lumpy mattress so her body is sprawled clumsily across the sheets, Olivia helping to arrange her crumpled arms and legs into a more comfortable position before draping a blanket over her prone form.

"Just try to relax, honey. I think you're having a panic attack, but it will pass." Amanda is aware of the older woman kneeling on the tiles beside her and stroking a hand through long blonde hair that has already become disheveled from resting her head on the pillow, golden strands spreading out in a rumpled halo around her face.

"Can you sit with me?" Amanda blurts out before she can stop herself, turning onto her side and shifting to the back of the bed, patting the mattress in front of her in invitation and biting her lip as she gazes uncertainly up at her superior.

The embarrassment and shame that has reared back up again is quickly replaced by grateful relief as Olivia promptly takes a seat on the bed with her and keeps up the soothing ministrations on her hair, Amanda's eyelids fluttering closed again as she tries to stay grounded in the present situation. She repeatedly reminds herself that she is safe inside the precinct with her lieutenant and friend, and not back in Atlanta with her former deputy chief in some seedy motel room with a sagging double bed and a cheap bottle of wine.

Amanda is still in utter disbelief how one suspect who had vaguely resembled her old boss could blow everything so out of proportion and reduce to her to a shivering bundle of nerves, tucked into bed like a child and trying to keep from clinging to Olivia in desperation when she should be at home getting dinner ready for her little girl. Olivia should be doing the same thing for her son; spending time with him after a long day at work and making his favorite food for supper, but instead she is stuck here with her normally tough and stoic subordinate who is now experiencing her second meltdown in the span of only a few hours.

"I'm sorry, Liv," Amanda whimpers in a tiny voice, dangerously close to tears now as she curls into a compact ball on the threadbare sheets. "I'm sorry this keeps happening. I don't know what's wrong with me."

"There's nothing wrong with you," Olivia answers softly, fingers rubbing in languid circles over her shoulder and upper arm. "Remember what we talked about earlier? That it's perfectly normal to have these lapses from time to time, if something triggers you? But Amanda, if this keeps happening on a regular basis, I think you need to speak with a professional about it."

Amanda chooses to remain silent on this particular topic, as she doesn't want to get into an argument with her lieutenant when she already feels so emotionally unbalanced and Olivia has been nothing but patient and kind with her. She hopes that whatever is happening right now is only temporary and she will soon be able to put it behind her and move on, loathe to actually make an appointment with a therapist just because a suspect had briefly reminded her of someone she would rather forget.

The tears that have been swimming beneath Amanda's eyelids and hovering on her lashes are threatening to make an escape, and despite trying to talk herself down and stay as calm as possible, she pushes her face roughly into the pillow to hide the evidence of her heightening distress. The memories from years past are consuming her; the devastating night in the motel room that had changed her life forever, and all that had followed afterwards when she had kept quiet about it for fear of what would happen to her sister if she told.

The tears are trickling one by one down her cheeks now, Amanda reaching up to cover her head with her arms and curling more tightly into herself, mortified that she is falling so swiftly to pieces in front of someone she respects so much and wishing she could just disappear. A soft sob emits from her mouth before she can put a halt to it and Amanda begins to weep with earnest, her entire body quaking as she just gives in to the despair and lets go of the pent-up emotions that are begging to be released.

Through the hot tears that are blinding her and the violent shaking of her body that is causing the whole bed to shift back and forth with the force of the movements, Amanda becomes aware that Olivia is no longer sitting in front of her but has stretched out across the mattress to lie down beside her. She doesn't object or try to pull away when she feels Olivia's arms close around her smaller form, Amanda tugged into the brunette's chest so her nose is resting against the warm skin of the older woman's neck.

She inhales the faint, soothing scent of vanilla as she presses herself impossibly closer to the lieutenant, the relief at finally being in Olivia's arms again outweighing the embarrassment that still lingers, along with the knowledge that their intimate position on the bed isn't exactly appropriate for the workplace and a colleague could walk into the room at any moment. Amanda winds her arms around Olivia's waist, anchoring herself to the taller body of her boss and murmuring, "Sorry about this," into her ear, even though she doesn't intend on making an effort to separate herself from Olivia anytime soon.

"It's okay, honey. And I locked the door behind us when we got up here," the other woman whispers in return, as if she has read Amanda's mind and wants to ease her nervousness. "I figured you would need some privacy for a few minutes. Just take your time and concentrate on breathing deeply for me, alright? You're shaking like crazy and I can hear you gasping for air. I know it's hard, but just try to calm down and remember that you're safe and sound right now. It's just the two of us here."

"But it feels like-" Amanda chokes out a sob, her fingers tightening on Olivia's blouse and twisting the material in her sweaty grip. "It feels like Patton is in the room with us, like he's watching me and wants to hurt me again. I know it sounds insane but I can't get him out of my head, no matter how hard I try. I hate this so much, Liv. Everything has been so good for such a long time now. I hardly ever think about him and I don't have nightmares or flashbacks anymore. I don't want all of that stuff to start up again, especially now that I have Jesse. I need to be strong for my daughter. I want to be a good mother to her."

Amanda realizes that is she rambling now, her thoughts spiraling completely out of control as she thinks about the potential consequences of this breakdown and remembers how long it had taken to pull herself out of the black hole she had fallen into after Patton had come to New York a few years ago. She doesn't have the luxury of taking her time with things now; can't spare a couple of weeks to just jet off on a yoga retreat to try and find her inner peace again, and wonders what she will do if this breakdown isn't temporary and she needs a lot of extra help to pull through it.

"Amanda, you're getting way too ahead of yourself," Olivia admonishes lightly, Amanda feeling gentle fingertips scratching at her scalp for emphasis. "You are strong and you're an amazing mother to Jesse. Just concentrate on the here and now, okay? Try not to think too far into the future. Just because you had a bad day and were triggered by a suspect, it doesn't mean that this is going to become a constant problem for you again. But if it does, there are steps we can take to get you some help. It's going to be okay, I promise you that. You have lots of people on your side; people who only want the best for you. You're not alone in this."

Amanda nods in response, her throat too tight to speak but her tears beginning to slow somewhat as she listens to Olivia talk, trying to do what the older woman has suggested and focus solely on the present situation.

"The recovery process can last a lifetime and is very up and down," Olivia continues in a soft, wise voice, Amanda feeling a sharp stab of empathy for the lieutenant as her thoughts stray briefly toward William Lewis and everything Olivia had been through with that monster. "I know how hard it is to suddenly have a setback after so much time has passed and you've been doing so well, but it doesn't mean things are going to stay that way. Sometimes we just need to allow ourselves to have a bad day; to think and feel whatever we need to, and to acknowledge that a part of what happened to us in the past will always be there but that it doesn't own us. It doesn't mean we're not strong and it doesn't make us bad mothers."

Amanda can detect the wounded, knowing tone that resides beneath Olivia's smooth confidence, the older woman's fingers coming to a stop against her hair and resting there in the tangled blonde strands, and she suspects that there is still a lot of hurt and fear and anger that lingers in the wake of all that had transpired with Lewis. "Are you okay, Liv?" she asks quietly, pulling back enough so that she is looking her boss straight in the eye, startled to see tears clinging to Olivia's lower lashes and her heart clenching in response to the brunette's pain as she raises a hand to brush along Olivia's cheekbone. "I'm sorry if I brought up a lot of bad memories for you because of my breakdown. I didn't mean to upset you."

"Please don't apologize," Olivia replies gently, Amanda watching as a tremulous smile stretches across the other woman's face and she blinks back tears. "This shouldn't be about me, but I do admit that I see some of myself in you, Amanda, and I want to be there for you. I want to help you, and I think I can start by inviting you and Jesse to my place this evening to have dinner with Noah and I."

"You don't have to do that, Liv. I don't want to bother you any more than I already have," Amanda automatically objects, even though her heart warms at the prospect of spending more time with Olivia outside of work, knowing how much her daughter adores Noah and loves playing with him.

"You're not bothering me," Olivia states softly but firmly, Amanda feeling a hand slide down her back and rubbing slow circles there. "The kids always have so much fun together and it will give you a chance to relax for the evening. Noah and Jesse will keep each other occupied and we can talk some more. I just want to make sure you're going to be okay tonight."

"I think I will be now," Amanda answers with a wobbly smile of her own, a hint of hope spearing through the darkness in her mind as she continues to embrace Olivia on the bed, safe in the arms of her friend and optimistic that the ghosts from her past will eventually stop haunting her.