"I don't want to do this," Charlie declared. He had said some variation of this seven times since he had first suggested it.

It was surprising that Charlie was willing to be standing outside of his apartment building with Burn for so long, his car parked impractically far away for Charlie's comfort regarding the likelihood of it getting stolen, given Charlie's usual paranoia about Burn's safety in the neighborhood. But then, if Charlie were concerned about the outside of the apartment, he likely wouldn't feel any better about the safety of the inside of the building. And Burn really couldn't say Charlie was wrong to worry. Perhaps he came off as over-the-top worrying about Burn even driving to pick him up from outside of the building but this area did not seem like a very nice one and Charlie would know about the safety far better than Burn would.

"I completely understand and we don't need to do this right now," Burn replied. "In fact, we don't have to do this ever if you don't want to."

"I don't want to," Charlie said again. "But I feel like I have to."

"And here I am, once again, reminding you that you don't have to and there's no one and nothing that can force you to."

"I just feel…it's the normal thing to do?" Charlie asked uncertainly.

"That may be true but since when have you ever cared about that?" Burn asked rhetorically.

Charlie sighed. "We really should do that."

"If that is what you choose then I will, of course, support you," Burn said.

Charlie managed a wry grin. "Still not going to weigh in?"

"How can I? I don't want to pressure you," Burn said.

Charlie sighed. "It'd make it easier."

"Easier isn't better."

"It is in my world," Charlie said.

Burn just stood there quietly. This wasn't his decision, for all that Charlie would have loved for him to make it.

Charlie let out a loud breath. "Well, why the hell not then? Don't make eye contact with anyone and don't touch anything. I'll protect you, of course, but let's just move quickly and see if we can avoid getting hassled."

Burn shivered slightly but he nodded.

Charlie took his hand and led him quickly through the apartment and up the stairs, stopping in front of room 210.

Burn did his best to look at the scenery they rushed past but Charlie didn't give him much of a chance to do that. There was an odd smell that wasn't quite sewage but that he couldn't place. The fluorescent lights were all too bright and making a buzzing sound. The tacky turquoise paint was peeling off the wall. There was a man lying unmoving in the corner that he could only hope was alright. There were two couples having sex on the one flight of stairs they went through and a man sticking something into his arm.

Charlie paid no mind and powered right through.

"So, uh, that's a lot, I know," Charlie said, smiling apologetically at him. "I'd give you a moment before facing my place – Frank's not in so we'll have the place to ourselves – but I'd rather not risk it."

"Charlie, nothing about that place seemed very threatening," Burn said. "Maybe not…what I am used to…or would choose to surround myself with, if I'm being perfectly honest, but you make it sound like I could get mugged just coming up here from the lobby."

Charlie shrugged. "I've seen it happen. I've seen worse happen. Don't worry about it."

"I…how can I not worry about it?"

"Because it didn't happen to you and it didn't happen today," Charlie said simply. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a key. It took a few tries for the door to open and then Charlie was ushering Burn into his apartment. He quickly shut and locked the door behind him.

There was no way he could be this cautious with his friends, could he? Burn knew he had never actually be in a physical fight but surely this was unnecessarily protective. But on the other hand, did he really want to be proven wrong and know that Charlie was living in a place where this sort of care was warranted? That would make it hard to sleep tonight.

"So, uh, what do you think?" Charlie asked nervously, biting his lip and stretching his arms out above his head.

Well.

What did he think.

It smelled like cats. It was small and cramped. One of the door was boarded up. There was food and garbage littering the floor. There were cans that Burn could only hope did not contain what he thought they contained.

"The, uh, the bathroom's broken," Charlie said, catching his look. "Has been for a while. I don't have the money to fix it and Frank won't do it because it really should be the landlord's job but he's kind of a really shitty landlord and he and Frank don't get along anyway."

What did Burn think?

Well, to be perfectly honest this place might just be the worst room he had ever been in in his life. It was a clearly unsanitary hellhole and really ought to be condemned. He had a strange urge to just burn his shoes and maybe the rest of what he was wearing at the first available opportunity and to certainly not touch anything. How much showers would he need to take before he felt clean again?

Burn would never say those words, not to anyone, not in a million years. He would especially never say them to his boyfriend that he loved dearly.

He hated himself, a little, that that was his first reaction. That Charlie had spent so long avoiding showing him this for probably this exact reason. He knew it would horrify Burn. Hopefully he knew it didn't matter where Charlie lived, that wouldn't change how Burn felt, but either way facing Burn's reaction wasn't going to be something he was glad to do.

It wasn't as though he had expected Charlie's apartment to be anywhere near as nice as his own was. Even if Charlie's awed reaction to it hadn't been a dead giveaway, he didn't live so far up in an ivory tower he didn't realize that was not the way most people lived. And while Charlie had never directly mentioned how hard-up he was financially, he had said and implied so many things that made that very clear. Burn hadn't really known what to expect but…it wasn't the size, really. It wasn't the dangerous neighbors or general feeling of desperate degradation he had witnessed in the halls. It was more the complete lack of sanitation and the impression that whoever lived here – that Charlie and his literal millionaire probable father Frank – just didn't care. That they either somehow, impossibly, liked living like this or at the very least were perfectly content to do so.

How could he live like this? How could he want to?

"Doc?" Charlie asked, his voice cracking a bit. "Please say something."

He had no words and yet he still had to speak. He had been in similar positions before though the circumstances were wildly different.

"Are you happy here?" Burn asked him.

Charlie's brow furrowed. "What?"

"This place. Your apartment. I know you say it's dangerous but…does it make you happy? Are you happy to live here or would you just as soon move somewhere else?" Burn asked.

"I…I do like it," Charlie said. "It's not the best, I know. It's definitely not as nice as Dennis and Mac's apartment or Dee's place. It's not as nice as where I grew up or the others grew up. But it's mine. It's exactly the way I want it. Well, except for the things that are the way Frank wants them but, like, we talk about that shit. We compromise. So…so I don't just like it. I love it."

The look he shot Burn was half pleading, half challenging.

"Okay," Burn said simply.

Charlie's face scrunched up. "Okay? Doc, what kind of answer is that?"

"It's the only one I've got," Burn said, hoping Charlie would let him leave it at that.

But Charlie shook his head. "No, Doc, see you always do this!"

"Always do what?"

"Whenever I ask you about anything-anything hard you always say it's not your place."

"If I say it's not my place that just means that it isn't," Burn protested.

"Yeah, maybe sometimes," Charlie said. "Like when you told me that you couldn't tell me whether or not I should go back to therapy. Well, like, I did and I think you were right that I had to decide that myself or else I wasn't going to really want to be there and do all the stuff I have to do. But when I'm straight-out asking you then I need more than just a 'if you're happy then okay'. So I'm straight-out asking you now: what do you think about my apartment?"

Burn felt cornered. Charlie was literally telling him that he needed to hear the truth. It was pretty obvious what the truth was, or at least the general direction of it, or Charlie wouldn't be pushing so hard and Burn wouldn't be so reluctant to answer the question. But Charlie loved this place. He had just said so. And what good would saying otherwise even do? It wasn't like Charlie wasn't aware of this place's flaws. It wasn't as though he were just waiting on a word and he was going to move into a proper apartment where it was safe to park his car in front of.

But Charlie was asking for the truth and Burn had never lied to him. He didn't want to start now.

"It is not the kind of place where I would willingly spend my time," he said carefully.

Charlie rolled his eyes. "One inch closer to an actual opinion but still like five miles away."

"Alright," Burn said quietly.

Charlie cupped a hand around his ear. "What was that?"

"I said alright. I hate this place. I have never hated any place more than this. You say you love it and I can't understand how you can stand to spend five solid minutes in this place," Burn snapped.

There was a terrible little smile on Charlie's face, a spark of dark triumph in his eyes. "See, I knew we'd get there eventually."

"Charlie-"

"I'm not a classy, fancy guy like you, Burn. I'm just not. You always knew that about me."

"You never had to be," Burn said. It was becoming a little harder to breathe.

"I mean, I have to wonder though. This right here," he gestured to the apartment. "This is my life. The bar and its inability to be successful for more than five minutes at a time? That's my life. And I love it. I really do. Sure there's details I'd change, things I'm already working on changing. But the big stuff? The stuff that matters? I don't want to change any of it."

What was he supposed to say to that?

"You don't have to."

"I know I don't have to," Charlie said calmly. "The point isn't that I think I have to. The point is I'm never going to be what you are. I'm never going to be the guy who doesn't have to worry about money. I'm never going to be the guy who knows everything and helps everyone and is classy as fuck without even having to try. That's not me."

"And just what makes you think I want that to be you?" Burn demanded. "Charlie, do you know how many people I know that live that life? Rich and successful? Intelligent and professional? Doctors, lawyers, professors…you name it. That's the circle I travel in. And I can find kind. Or I can find funny. I could find whatever trait you're listing off about me. I could probably find legitimately classy! And I'm sure that if I were looking to pursue that sort of person then sooner or later I would find one that wanted to date me as well. I don't doubt I could have that relationship. But I don't want it!"

"And why not?" Charlie shouted back. "All these things…I don't understand them, I will never understand them! Why don't you want any of that? It's not like you want any of this!"

Burn abruptly felt any anger he may have felt drain out of him. He really was rubbish when it came to fights. Never had the heart to sustain them. "I wasn't looking for a relationship when you came back into my life, Charlie. I didn't think 'I want someone like that.' I just started spending time with you and we got along together so well that feelings crept into my heart and were rather firmly entrenched before I quite knew that they were there. I never would have given this another chance after finding you in my apartment if I hadn't. And you could ask me why and I could give you reasons but the truth is it would just be trying to put words to a feeling that can't be explained and can't be controlled and that I've only had cause to regret the once."

Charlie deflated as well. "You can't just ignore all these things, Doc. You can't. This is where I'm at. This is what I want. You tell me to move – which, yeah, fine you never would – then I say no. What happens if we want to move in together? I know you wouldn't want to live here even if Frank weren't here and I don't actually want to go live in your fancy place. It's just…it's too much. I don't belong there."

"You could," Burn offered quietly. "If you wanted to."

Charlie smiled thinly. "I disagree. But that's just it. It doesn't even matter because I don't want to."

"I wasn't exactly going to ask you to move in today. No matter how little I understand the appeal of this place," Burn said.

"Well there's that at least," Charlie said, nodding.

Burn swallowed then walked over to Charlie and took his hand in his. "Charlie, I can understand why you're concerned. It's not just about how I have money and you don't. How I have a very nice education and a prestigious career and you don't. Those are details. Important details, perhaps, but only details. Some of it is a matter of circumstances and some of it is a choice. If I could get you enrolled here tomorrow and get you a teaching job when you were done you'd be miserable. You'd hate it."

"Oh my God, I would hate it so much," Charlie said, smiling a little. "I'd probably set my roommate on fire way before Dee did it to hers."

Yeah, that was not something he was going to take the time to think about right now.

"This place is a part of you, yes, and an important part. The fact you while perhaps now you do, for a long time you didn't have a better option for where to live. The fact that now you don't want to. And it's wrong to just ignore that. But it's not the whole of who you are. I can hate your apartment and just not spend time here. This doesn't define you any more than your unfortunate history with Nicole."

"I'm never going to get used to calling her Nicole," Charlie said.

"I am making it my mission in life to get you used to it," Burn replied.

Charlie squeezed Burn's hand. "Maybe…it's not going to change anything. I should say that first of all. It's really not. I'm not going to be convinced. Not today. Maybe not ever, maybe in a few months, who can say? But it's not going to be today, I can tell you that much. But Dr. Brooks said I sometimes…catastrophize. That's it. I think that things are automatically going to be the worst that they possibly could be. And sometimes they are. But sometimes they're not, too. And even when I think things turned out to be just as bad as they could have been, I guess that's just a failure of imagination on my part because at least a meteor didn't come down and kill us all on top of it. I…don't think that was where she was going with that but it doesn't matter. So tell me, Doc, why do you hate this apartment? Is it because it's not good enough for you and because of how much it's me I'm not good enough either?"

Was that what he had been thinking?

Burn almost tripped over his words in an effort to assure Charlie otherwise. "No, I…Charlie, no. No. That's not it at all! It's not safe here, Charlie. We've talked about it before. I know that you are much more impressive in a fight than I am – it would almost be hard not to be – but your reactions to how unsafe it is for me to come anywhere near this place doesn't fill me with confidence about your own safety, particularly since you have to sleep here. You don't have a bed, I know you use the couch as a pull-out and given Frank's money that must be a choice but I can't help associating a lack of furniture with deprivation. With-with a lack of something you need. You don't have a working bathroom, Charlie. You need a bathroom. This is 2019. These things aren't just optional. We all got plumbing by the time the New Deal was done and that was over seventy years ago. You don't have to live like that. And keeping cans of pee around…it's just not hygienic! You could get really sick, Charlie. All of this dirt and mess…you have no idea how sick you could get. It's not healthy or safe to live like this. If you wanted to share a one-room apartment with your wealthy possible-father that was safe and clean and had normal plumbing then I still wouldn't necessarily understand your choice but I would be much more supportive of it! I'm upset because this scares me and I don't want to have to worry about you with this and I know that you don't want me to, either. That that's part of why you kept me away for so long. And I'm trying to balance all of this very real concern for you with my respect for your right to live your own life and I just…it's hard. I don't know what to do."

Charlie pulled his hand out of Burn's and Burn felt the loss immediately. He barely had time let the loss really hit him before Charlie pulled him into a hug.

"You don't have to do anything," Charlie said into his shoulder, his voice a little muffled. "This isn't up to you. I love that you care. I love that you want to help. But you can't make me do a goddamn thing and it'll go better for us both if you don't try. It's like I said earlier. I'm not in the market for a new place to live. Not today."

"Not today," Burn echoed.

This wasn't settled, not by a long shot. But they'd hit an impasse and Charlie was quite right about who ultimately was the one who had to make the choice in this situation.

Burn wasn't happy to leave Charlie to this but, short of burning down the apartment himself, there wasn't much he could do about it.

Still, what Charlie said kept running through his mind.

Not today.

That wasn't a no. Not really.

That gave him hope.

Not today.

Well that was fine.

He'd still be here tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow and as many days as it took before 'not today' became 'it's time for a change'.