Oh, hello there. I guess you're here to read the story of my fucked up life, is that it? Was it the title that got you? You know, the full title is "Into the Tower: The Story of How Cobra became King." I pitched it to Mus but she wasn't feeling it. She's an idiot like that.

Shit, I'm not really sure where to start. No, I don't have performance anxiety! Alright, I've got it…

. . .

Introduction

. . .

The bubbles in his drink were going flat and Lucy had been drinking for several hours before he came to understand the gravity of his situation. Cobra sighed, downing the rest of his beer before slamming the mug on the table. A few patrons around him gave him a hard stare, but the one-eyed slayer had that "Don't fucking mess with me" look so people kept their distance.

Walking over to the blonde, he tapped her on her shoulder. She hiccupped before turning around. Looking into his eye, she quieted down quickly. That is, before she pointed her finger and started laughing loud enough for everyone to hear. "You look so serious!" she giggled between hiccups.

Cobra ran his fingers through his wild maroon locks, causing them to mess even more than they already were. "Cut the shit, sweetheart, you're drunk."

"Yeah? So what?" Lucy responded, sobering instantly. "Who are you supposed to be, my father?"

Cobra got a mischievous glint in his eye as he thought about all things involving Lucy and spanking. He brushed the thought aside. The girl was hot, that much was easy to see, but she was also annoying as fuck. The slayer rolled his eye before reaching out to touch her shoulder. "I guess we'll have to do this the old fashioned way, with maximum effort." Within seconds, the girl slumped forward, her blonde hair splaying out on the sticky bar in front of her.

Cobra caught her before she fell to the floor, lifting her up with ease and carrying her upstairs to one of the rooms Crime Sorciere had rented.

Don't fucking roll your eyes. Yeah, I'm still part of that pussy-assed crime fighting guild. No, it's not because I have guilt. I don't have a gaping hole for genitals like its blue-balled leader, thanks. Just wanted to make that clear. Anyways, back to me carrying sugar-tits up the stairs.

"Just what the hell do you think you're doing?" Angel barked at him as he opened the door to her room. Even at this hour of the night, Angel looked just like her name. Her white hair flowed gracefully down past her shoulders and her white night slip shimmered in the evening light, giving her a beautiful silhouette.

"Fuck if I know," Cobra responded. He really didn't know. Old Cobra wouldn't have given a damn about some chick that got wasted in a bar. Old Cobra would have likely tried to take advantage of the situation for his own personal gratification. But something about the way the men were looking at Lucy had him hauling her drunk ass upstairs before he could do some self-reflection, or whatever shit they call it now.

He deposited the sleeping celestial mage on the spare bed. Angel started yelling about what she was supposed to do with the girl and Cobra delighted in flipping her the bird as he closed the door behind him.

"What's going on?"

"FUCK!" Cobra startled. "How the hell do you dothat, creepy bastard?" Cobra fixed his gaze on the Guild's self-appointed leader, Jellal Fernandez.

"What's going on?" the man said again, in his even tone. Cobra rolled his eye. His appearance hadn't changed since he first met him: wild blue hair and a red tattoo running down the side of his face that originally had Cobra giving him mad respect. Too bad the guy's got a stick up his ass.

"Nothing, really. That blonde chick from Fairy Tail was downstairs completely wasted. I only encouraged what would be her inevitable passing out and stashed her with Angel for safekeeping. She'll come to in the morning." Jellal looked at Cobra with a furrowed brow. "Don't fucking do that, it creeps me out," Cobra replied under his gaze.

"It's not like you to care about someone."

Cobra laughed it off. "Don't be a fucktard. Now that hot blonde owes me a favor."

"That seems more like you," Jellal said with a nod of his head.

"You know me so well, blueballs," Cobra responded in a mock-tone. Reaching up, he stroked the side of Jellal's face because—because I love fucking with the man, that's why. No, not literally. Have you seen the guy? I'm not even sure if he knows what to do with his—fuck!

Cobra watched as Jellal crumpled to the floor in front of him. "Forgot about that sleep agent I secreted onto my hand earlier."

Angel almost screamed when her door was kicked open a second time that evening and she barely got out of the way before Jellal landed with a thud next to Lucy. "What the hell did you do?" she directed at Cobra, who was already trying to leave the room.

"He looked like he needed some rest," Cobra responded with a grin.

"Now where am I supposed to sleep?"

"With me?" Cobra said, blinking his one eye in an attempt to wink. Shut up, it's fucking complicated when you've only got one eye.

"Gross," she said with repulsion. I agree. Angel, or should I say, Sorano and I grew up together. It was one fucked up childhood. I'll get into that later. All good things, my dears, all good things. But, yeah, nothing but sibling antics between us, and that's the honest truth.

"That you are." Angel rolled her eyes. "Well, enjoy the company. I'm going to bed. After all this work, I'm exhausted."

As he closed the door, Cobra distinctly heard Angel yell, "Fuck you, Erik!"

He laughed. Some things never change.

END CHAPTER 1

. . .

Right, so there you have it. How everything started. Come back later for chapter two. It's still being written. Don't complain to me; I'm not in charge of the schedule.

Oh, and give some mad love to MadSoullessQueen. She was the one that opened the door to my Fourth Wall Breaking madness. Her CoLu Week story is awesome—mainly because it was written by her and it features me.

And this story is also dedicated to her cause of some shit that went down way back on Valentine's Day. Don't fucking look at me. I know it's late too.

And incase you haven't noticed, I'll be doing all the author's notes from here on out. Mus is fine, I promise. It took some convincing, but she finally relented. No, I didn't poison her—much…

Later bitches!