Trigger warning: insecurities and self-hate, there's no resolution in this one.

year 6 – lavender brown; girl's bathroom

Insecurity consumes her in a way that makes it impossible for her to see herself in the beauty that she is. She is overcome with grief and anger and sadness over her hair, and her weight, and her freckled skin that it's no wonder that Ron broke up with her. She knows who it is, and she knows it's because of no one else but her own fault. If she didn't look the way that she did, if she didn't feel the way that she did, if she didn't speak the way that she did, maybe she could have kept him around. All of her thoughts were running marathons in her head: who would love you, who would want you, you're nothing but a pile of bushy, unruly hair, you're not beautiful, they're lying to you.

She is staring at herself in the mirror, watching as her tears roll down her flushed face. She counts her freckles, eyeing them individually, hating them with each one she counts. Her eyes move up, staring at the way her hair frizzes up around the headband she wears to somehow mask the insecurity she feels about how big and curly it is. She wants to cut it all off. She looks down. Is she fat? Probably not to her friends, but in her eyes, all she sees is her stomach sticking out further than it should – she can hardly see her feet. Her robes have been feeling a bit tighter lately, she's gaining weight. Maybe that's why no boy has liked her. Maybe that's why the one boy she did like left her.

She isn't enough. Or maybe she's too much. Too much hair, too much freckles, too much stomach, too much love, too much emotion, too much of everything.

She wants to scream. She looks back at her face in the mirror, the redness all over her face now moving to her eyes. Her vision is clouded by tears and she can hear Moaning Myrtle coaxing her insecurities on with her taunts.

What's wrong lavy-lav? Are you still called that? Where is Ron? How come he hasn't been by lately? Did you do something? What did you do, tell me? As if it was most definitely her fault. However, this isn't about a boy anymore. This is about herself. Her inadequacies. Her shortcomings. Her insecurities. She is always questioning why Pavarti was friends with her. She was annoying and demanding and self-centered. She wondered why her parents were still so proud of her, her marks being subpar and not as great as her classmates are. She wondered how she made it so far into schooling, she wondered why she didn't end up being friends with the bloody chosen one. She is always wondering why it wasn't her.

Then she remembers: she's not good enough. There is nothing about her that screams friendship. Eventually, once school's ended, her and Parvati will no longer be friends. They will drift apart and all of the plans that they had with each other will be just memories of when they were young and foolish. Her parents are secretly hiding their disappointment in her, so she doesn't feel ashamed that their daughter is not the brightest, and how they wish they had a daughter who was capable of making good marks so she could work in the higher departments in the Ministry. She was going to end up alone and die alone and that is how her future will look.

She wanted to punch her hand through the mirror of the bathroom. She wanted to watch her reflection shatter in front of her, a sort of metaphor watching herself be destroyed. That's what she wanted for herself. She wanted to disappear and be invisible. No one would miss her, no one would love her. She would get what she deserved.

"Lavender!" an out of breath voice brought her out of her thoughts. She hastily wiped the tears away with her robe, sniffling quickly. She knew who that voice was. Why was she here, how could she have known where to go? The loo was abandoned, Moaning Myrtle made it completely unappealing. Who would want to come to a bathroom that had a judgmental ghost always following your every move?

"You found me Pavarti," she tried to make jokes, she tried to sound cheerful and happy. She tried.

"What... what's going on? Are you okay?" Pavarti knew immediately. How did she know? How could she not have?

She kept quiet. She didn't look at Pavarti, she couldn't try anymore.