One wild night

Author's notes: Dear readers: I will ask you something that I usually don't ask, please be patient with me on this one. This is the first story that I've ever done that tackles humor, and it's a subject I've always been lousy at since my sense of humor sucks. I have the utmost respect for the genre since I always thought it was much harder to pull off than drama, but I've finally gathered enough courage to try it out. Constructive criticism will always be welcome just take into consideration that I'm way out of my depth on this subject. Also I don't own anything so don't sue.

…..

-"Should we get real jobs?"- Mantis grumbled from their kitchen table, it was a comment he had already made once a few years ago, when bureaucracy had stopped them from doing proper kung-fu. But it was kinda different this time, back then there was real crime on the Valley of Peace they just couldn't fight it, while now there was no actual need for them to fight anything anymore.

Ever since Po had mastered chi he had matured, sure he would always be the same clumsy and kinda dumb panda he was when he first entered the Jade Palace, but as his powers grow his need for the five to back him up is receding. Right now by example he's on a mission with master Shifu overseeing a peace treaty between two rival tribes, leaving the five to guard the palace.

As for the civilians in the valley they are still being threatened by bandits and criminals, but now kung-fu isn't a skill reserved only for the warrior elite, now everyone has at least some training of it too and even Mr, Ping has managed to master a lot of it. That means that more often than not people defend themselves without the need to contact the masters.

Which leaves the furious five with way too much time in their hands.

Sure they train and stay prepared for any upcoming attack, but as real conflict becomes more and more scarce they begin to feel useless.

The four warriors look up to Tigress for an answer, Po might be their master but she is the leader of the group.

-"Maybe we should"- She answers calm and collected but doesn't bother to hide the mild droop of her shoulders. Even in times of self doubt, when she saw Po become a warrior more skilled and powerful than she would ever be, she tasked herself with the duty of reigning in his chaotic nature and keep him as far from trouble as much as she could, more often than not her job had to be to clean up after his mess. But Po is finally growing up and soon he won't need her assistance or control anymore.

A heavy silence envelopes them, if the obsessive tiger is ready to throw the towel then there is definitely time to move on. It has happened before and it will happen again, "the five" is a moniker for a group that has rearmed and disbanded several times over by now, in time of peace the warriors go their separate ways leaving one of them to guard the palace and await for the next generation.

-"Very well, I'll go back to being a janitor"- Crane mumbled, his life as a master was exiting but he sometimes missed the simple life of his previous job, as humble as it might have been.

-"And I'll be back to the dancing school, dad says I'm a little rusty with my moves lately"- Viper giggled musically

-"Oh I learned so many jokes and routines in these past few years! My comedy show will be a success!"- Monkey laughed while clapping exited, no one had the heart to tell him he was as awful as a comedian as the first time they met him.

-"Same thing with me, I'll go back to being a doctor"- Mantis said brightening his mood a little, it was the end of an era but the beginning of another, besides unlike Monkey his skills had improved with the use of kung-fu.

-"And I will start a family"- Tigress said shocking everyone in the room, Crane put his wing on her forehead looking for signs of fever or a concussion, could she be actually joking?

The only one not shocked out of her wits was Viper, who understood the tiger's decision and explained the situation to the group with a single sentence –"I think Lei-lei really made an impact on you"-

"Ohhh" the male masters responded, Tigress had been really fond of the adorable baby in the panda village, which must have triggered her motherly instincts or something.

-"Are you going to Japan then? Will you look for Yijiro?"- Crane asked carefully, he knew how much Tigress hated to answer personal questions.

-"No, if I want to start a family then he's the last one I could go to, he lives for the martial arts and a family will never be in his plans. I guess I'll have to find someone else"- It was ironic actually; the reason she had fallen in love with him was now the reason she couldn't choose him as a proper mate.

The four warriors looked at each other awkwardly, they knew she had as much chance of finding a husband as Monkey did of making a crowd laugh, she wasn't ugly by any means just… what would be the word to describe her? Oh yes! Incredibly intimidating. In the end she could always adopt by her lone self and raise a child as a single mom, but something told them she wanted a more traditional family, maybe she wasn't so immune to the need of finding a mate as she led them all to believe.

-"So I guess this is it, we will have to live normal lives now"- Tigress mused with apprehension breaking yet again the silence –"What do normal people do anyway?"- Unlike her fellow masters she had been raised in the palace her whole life, she never knew what "normal" people did or how they handled themselves, for the first time in almost two decades she felt like a fish out of water.

Her comrades started blurting several suggestions: "Nap" "Have fun" "Party" "Laugh" "Relax for once in a while" "Date" "Dance" "Sing" with every word they sounded more animated, they had forgotten how many simple pleasures they had given up to become masters, but it was refreshing to know that soon they would get those back.

-"Then maybe we should do all that, it will help us adjust better to the life we'll lead outside of the palace"- She suggested with an apprehensive smile, she wasn't used to that facial expression.

All right something is definitely wrong with Tigress now, is she actually suggesting they should do something other than kung-fu?

-"Do you mean like right now?"- Viper said raising her eyebrows, she was certain hell has frozen over many miles below their floor.

-"Yes! Let's have a nap, relax throughout the day and then go to a party tonight where we can dance, sing and have fun. We could meet with other people so we could have dates as well, I think that covers most of it"-

-"Do you want to do all those things today?"- Crane asked flabbergasted

-"Sure it will be more effective, how hard could it be?"-

The four remaining masters excused themselves and went to the next room to make a plan, they looked at each other uncertain of what to do next, Tigress had obviously lost some marbles and they should keep her in check, yet on the other hand it was kinda tempting to follow her orders and actually have a good time.

-"Think about it guys, she really needs some experience on all this things and the sooner she gets it the better"- Viper said whispering behind her friend's back

-"I agree but what about the date thing? No guy without a death wish would ever come close to her"- Mantis whispered in a panic, he could see a thousand ways where this crazy idea could go wrong.

-"I heard that"- She muttered menacingly, her superior hearing could easily work behind the walls of the building

-"See!"- Monkey said pointing at her general direction from behind the wall, she had just proved Mantis' point

-"Oh I have an idea, but I'll need your help"- For the first time Viper actually looked like the devious stereotype of her species. It wouldn't take long to convince her colleagues, she might be nice and gentle but she sure could be viciously persuasive when she had to.

So they sent Tigress to take a nap and relax while the rest of the masters carried on with Viper's plan. With the exception of Po the ophidian was the most romance inclined of the whole palace, she believed that everyone needs to find their other half in order to be truly happy, and now that Tigress had finally begun to consider dating she wouldn't waste this rare chance to bring happiness to her uptight friend.

Two hours later Monkey and Mantis were doing their part of the mission, the simian was baking his signature almond cookies waiting for the insect to come with a "special ingredient" that would be paramount for their plan.

He heard the chirping sound of Mantis' little feet on the wood floor, he was carrying a vase bigger than him on his back.

-"So you got it?"- Monkey said still kneading the dough.

-"Yeah a big batch of catnip"- The insect grumbled while dragging the vase and aiming all its contents over the preparation.

-"Remember Viper said to use only a smidge"- He said holding the vase and moving it away from the dough

-"Dude a smidge would barely work on a cat and she's like the size of ten cats or more!"- He retaliated while once again placing the vase where it was, they seemed to be playing a game of push and pull with the frail ceramic object.

-"Yeah but she isn't supposed to get high, she just has to loosen up"- Monkey tried to reason with the small master

-"And how much do you think it would take for Tigress to loosen up?"- Mantis hollered in his deep loud voice.

Huh, he was right about that one, oh well what's the worst that could happen? -"Good point buddy just throw the whole batch in there"-

…..

Meanwhile a very uncomfortable tigress fidgeted in her room.

-"Viper are you sure this is necessary?- Tigress said eyeing herself on the mirror, at her friends insistence she agreed to put on a dress, but since she had none on her wardrobe Crane offered to make one for her. Though what she was wearing could barely count as clothing at all, it was scented fabric draped over her with slits so deep she might as well go around naked. To make things worse the dress wouldn't allow for her to use bandages on her torso, her breast were now free of their usual prison and seemed to perk up and swell, it was like they had a mind of their own and were struggling to call all the attention they could.

-"You'll catch more bees with honey than vinegar. And this is the right kind of honey, you look amazing"- Viper praised and then turned to Crane –"You are a wonderful designer"- This was the most fun she had in a long time, even when she wasn't technically the only girl in the group she felt as she might have been, Tigress was as blunt and masculine as her male counterparts and for many years she felt a little suffocated by the excess of testosterone on the jade palace. She had waited so long to share a girly moment like this with an actual girl friend.

The bird bowed at the compliment –"Yeah but this type of silk does most of the work anyway, I still need to do a few more finishing touches before it's done, but the dress will be ready in less than an hour"-

-"Maybe it should be tighter"- Viper suggested mischievously, tigers were extremely rare and along with her masculine personality and baggy clothing her friend was usually called "the big guy with stripes" something that irked the proud tiger, even when she managed to hide it, it was time to kill that harmful nickname once and for all.

-"Are you crazy! I'm barely clothed as it is!" Tigress said clutching at her form feeling more self conscious as time went on

-"She's right Viper, this is pretty risqué already"- Crane said while still placing some pins on the back of the dress, revealing curvy hips that had been always hidden by her tight belt and baggy uniform.

-"Oh nonsense! She has a nice figure it's about time she starts to flaunt it a little"- The gleam of mischief in her eyes was unmistakable, when Viper wanted something nothing could ever stop her, and right now she was determined to get Tigress out of her shell. She knew how to play her friends strings, slithering close to the tiger's feet she said gently –"its okay sweetie, this is very different for you but there's nothing to be afraid of"-

Maybe Viper didn't know what trouble she was getting into, as a snake she was always naked so she paid very little attention to modesty.

-"I'm not afraid!"- Tigress responded through her wounded pride, how Viper dare say she's afraid of a piece of cloth. She looked resolutely at crane and commanded –"Make it tighter, if we're gonna do this we better make it all the way"-

An hour later she came out of her room with Crane and Viper on her sides. At the rare sight Monkey and mantis couldn't believe their eyes. The feline was wearing a tight form fitting deep purple dress with gold engravings in the shape of exotic flowers, the fabric smelled like gardenias and her fur was exposed through a very deep cleavage, as well as a large slit that started from her left hip exposing her toned legs.

-"Well she doesn't dress like a dude anymore"- Mantis said with a half smile, maybe it wouldn't be so hard to find her a date. She even seemed to have sprouted curves out of nowhere

Monkey still remembered that her looks were never the problem, though her new appearance sure made things easier, it would be all for naught if she punched the first guy that dared to come close to her. So it was time for him to fulfill his part of the plan, he offered her a bunch of "special" cookies, usually she wasn't interested in sweets but there was something really alluring about these pastries, she ended up gobbling up several of them before she even realized it.

"Well… it's time to go out and have fun" the tiger mused with apprehension, how alien this idea felt on her head.

There was no particular party on the valley but there was a tavern on the skirts of the bamboo forest that played music long into the night, it would be a nice place to chat and mingle with other people.

It was a new experience for them to enter a tavern as customers that wanted to have fun and not like government officials looking for criminals, as they found a large table to accommodate them Monkey suggested they had a drink. Tigress had been taught to avoid alcohol at all costs, she was told by Shifu it would distort her senses or reveal the worst part of her personality and that was unforgivable behavior for a true Master, but the day was coming when none of that would matter anymore. So she took the large jug of lotus wine in front of her and downed it in one gulp.

It took a few rounds for them to finally adjust but soon they were actually chilling and having fun, the friendly conversations the group had on in this place were the same than in their dining table but somehow alcohol lighted the mood, hell by the third round even Monkey's jokes were begging to sound funny. More rounds came and went, by the middle of the fifth they were all talking loud and giggling a lot, sometimes they didn't even know what they were laughing about to begin with.

The masters realized they could easily get used to this carefree lifestyle, Tigress in particular had never felt so giddy and happy in her whole life, even before she started drinking she could almost feel the weight of the world leaving her shoulders and her taut muscles finally snapping into a more natural state.

Then their heads started to spin a little, the lotus wine was particularly strong and after several years of the strict kung fu lifestyle they had little to no practice in their tolerance to alcohol. They had enough wisdom left on their minds to not order any more rounds.

Music begun to play on the tavern, the beat was faster and much different than the music they usually heard at large serious banquets or festivals. There was something unpolished in the way the musicians twined the strings of the violins and the lyrics of the songs were definitely inappropriate for playing in the jade palace. On any other day the dignified master would have scoffed at the mere beat her feet were now tapping on the dirty floor, but she wasn't herself tonight and when a scruffy young leopard asked for a dance she said yes, wasting no time to swing at the sound of the exotic music.

-"Wow that was fast!"- Crane said looking at the felines swaying on the dance floor. –"We've been here for less than an hour and she already got herself a guy"-

Mantis scoffed –"Ten gold coins say she'll be punching that poor sap on the face by the end of the night"- Then he proceeded to ask a dance from an orange colored frog that was eyeing him from the other side of the tavern.

Monkey remembered the amount of catnip the fed her that afternoon –"Well I bet twenty golden coins that she'll make us all uncles by the next spring"- Now that both Mantis and Tigress had found dance partners he was surveying the area looking for a pretty lady that would do him company, a lovely sheep was eyeing him from the distance and battling her eyelashes, he drank his last mug and went on the prowl. Leaving Crane and Viper to chat by themselves.

Unaware of her partner's gossiping Tigress was having fun with her company, the leopard was as tall as she was with strong defined muscles that he didn't bother to hide with a shirt, so he was only wearing a pair of brown slacks. She didn't even know his name but she couldn't care less, he was attractive and a damn good dancer.

It was all going well until he opened up his mouth, she ignored most of the platitudes he told her along with the overly direct compliments at her newfound curves, but then he said –"I'm gonna be rich baby, once I rob the Jade Palace I'll be the most powerful warrior in China, you'll see"- He said bending over her, aiming for a kiss, as if confessing his criminal activities were an actual pick up line.

That's when sobriety struck her drug addled mind like a brick –"Wait, what are you talking about?"- She said dodging his lips and placing her paws on his chest, pushing him away

-"Me and my buddies are gonna raid the Jade palace now that the dragon warrior is gone, there are five more masters in there but we can handle them, there's like three of us for every one of them"- He told her with a smile that made her cringe, then held her roughly by the waist with one hand and yelled at everyone in the tavern –"Drink up guys! By tomorrow morning we're gonna be loaded with riches!"-

In horror she saw at least fifteen more bandits raising their jugs on a toast and hollering a salute. Most of them were very large animals, brown bears, wolves, leopards and elks and she had no way to know how skilled in battle they were since she had never met them before, they did look strong and fit though. Sure if they were foolish enough to get drunk and party before a heist they couldn't be that good, but the protectors of the palace had made the same mistake since they were just as intoxicated.

-"I'm gonna treat you real good baby, you better start writing a wish list because when I rob that palace I'll give you whatever you want. Gold, rubies, pearls you name it"- He said holding her uncomfortably close while his hands dared to lower from her waist to the sides of her hips.

Tigress wanted nothing more than to punch the lights out of him in an instant but they were clearly outnumbered. She needed to get away from this jerk and find her friends, then figure out a way to stop these guys, the surprise factor would be paramount for their mission.

Maybe it was the wine taking control on her, because the proud master would usually not lower herself to such denigrating tactics, but it was still undeniably effective. So with a sultry voice and a piercing glare she whispered into his ear, sending shivers of lust all over his skin. –"Oh I have a big wish list baby, and after you give me all I ask from you I'll give anything you ask from me"-

-"Anything?"- He said with a mischievous glare, it took a lot of willpower for her not to gag at the sight. Instead she continued playing the part of the sultry gold digger –"Anything, but only after you make your part of the deal, until then I'll leave you alone to work on your heist"- And with that she left him paralyzed with desire with a dumb wishful expression on his face, taking the opportunity to leave his side as fast as possible.

How could she be so stupid? When you least expect it, expect it. That mantra was struck in her brain from her early childhood, that's why you can't let your guard down even when everything seemed to be at peace, yet now she had done exactly that, hell could she even fight in her current state?

Well there's no point in self loathing, she'll have to find a way out of this and for that she'll need to gather the rest of the five.

She found Monkey twirling on the floor in a presentation of a fighting style she had never seen before, it was as chaotic as it was beautiful, he was clearly showing off trying to impress… an old goat? By the giddy excitement on the lady's face it was totally working, oh well who was she to judge? She almost gives her first kiss to a criminal

She told Monkey of their predicament and ordered him to meet her outside of the tavern right away while she looked for the others, but they were nowhere to be found. Out of the sudden she saw one of Crane's feathers on the ground close to the table they had occupied early on, then she saw more scattered a few feet away, following the trail she ended up facing the janitor's closet. She could hear strange muffling noises from the other side of the door, afraid that the bandits might have already attacked him and locked him there she opened it wide open.

What she saw in there she would never forget no matter how hard she tried. Mercifully he was bent over with his back facing her so she couldn't really see exactly what he was doing but she could clearly notice Viper curled around his whole body, based on the weird slurping noises they made she could tell they needed privacy. Turning red from embarrassment, when they turned around in horror to see her, all she could say was –"A group of bandits are planning to attack the Palace, meet us outside when you're… eh… ready"- then she slowly locked the door and wished she could remove that confusing and disturbing image out of her head.

On the way out of the building Monkey found Mantis on a dark corner of the place, he was chatting with, and hugging, a large circular shape.

-"Buddy, what are you doing?"- Monkey asked his friend while giggling at the absurdity of what he was seeing.

-"Dude let me introduce you to the love of my life! Her name is Du Hua, and she's the prettiest frog in the whole country"- He said snuggling with his new companion

-"Mantis that's not a frog, that's a grapefruit"- The simian said laughing his tail off, geez how much did he have to drink?

There were bandits behind him that were laughing as well, apparently they had been looking at the insects' antics for a while now and seemed to be enjoying the crazy show. –"Poor fellow, he's been flying on toad juice for an hour now. He can't understand what he's doing"- Said a large buffalo from behind him, Monkey guessed he was one of the bandits.

-"What do you mean? What's wrong with him?"-

-"That lady he was smooching wasn't a frog, it was a cane toad. Those have a toxic substance on their skin that causes hallucinations, he's tripping his antlers off"- Another bandit responded while mocking the small master who was now trying to kiss the large fruit.

Looking closely at his friend Monkey noticed his pupils had enlarged so much they had filled his irises, this wasn't good. Tigress said this tavern was filled with bandits ready to attack the palace anytime soon and they were already one partner short, drugged as he was Mantis would be of no use.

A few minutes later the insect and the simian were outside hoping the fresh air would sober them up, but by the looks of it Mantis would need a whole week in Antarctica to cool down. A red faced Tigress joined them later on, he hoped whatever was wrong with her had nothing to do with the large amount of catnip they fed her, the last thing they needed right now was yet another master that was too high for combat.

-"Where are Crane and Viper?"-

-"They'll be here soon"- The striped pattern on her cheeks went from copper to crimson, when it came to these matters she was still bashful.

-"I can taste the color blue! It's like lemons but more watery and it smells like grapes!"- Mantis slurred while looking at the sky, he had found a comfortable place to lie down on top of Monkey's head.

-"What the hell is wrong with him?"- The large feline asked Monkey with a deep growl, the last thing she needed right now was for those two to start causing more trouble than they were already in.

-"It's a long story, but to make it short I don't think we can count with him to help us"- Her friend responded sheepish, thankfully he was saved by the arrival of Viper and Crane.

Tigress didn't know what was worst, the fact that they tried to hide what had just happened between them or just how bad they were at doing it. The bird had ever single one of his feathers ruffled and many of Vipers scales were covered in tiny feathers as well. Damn it even Mantis could see through them and he could barely form a coherent thought.

Unable to contain their laughter the simian and the insect begun to sing -"Viper and Crane, sitting in a tree K-I-S-S…"- Only to be interrupted by a pair of very angry and embarrassed bird and snake that chose to fight them in the vain hope of shutting them up.

-"This is just perfect"- Tigress muttered sarcastically as her drunken friends were fighting each other.

What were they going to do now?