A/N: I should be taking my other story out of hiatus, but why would I do that when I could ruthlessly make fun of myself and the old stereotypes we all know and love. That being said, although this story is meant to poke fun at tropes commonly found in this particular genre of fanfiction, this story is more so meant to make fun of myself than any other author on this site. Also, it's rated T right now because of language, but if I feel like it, the rating might boost up to M.

Abagail Dennis woke up in the middle of the night to a bang, followed by coughing and the smell of smoke. So, Abagail, like any sane college student, snatched her cell phone off of the nightstand adjacent to her bed and promptly called the police before going to investigate. She held the phone snug against her ear with her shoulder, snatched the metal bat (with may or may not have been a fluorescent pink with Hello Kitty's face on it, but she preferred to overlook that small detail) she had bought for her own protection and ventured out into the living room.

Abagail expected a lot of things to greet her upon entering that room. She imagined burly men working together to strip her living room bare, or an arsonist with a penchant for breaking and entering who decided her cheap apartment was worth a Bic lighter and some gasoline. She half expected to find one of the local homeless men had gone in through the fire escape, only to enter one of the few suites that someone actually lived in full time (it had happened twice before, and in both cases, she heated up some leftovers and sent them on their way). What she did not expect, however, was a teenage girl sitting on her couch, flipping through her Netflix account with a determined look on her face. Abagail promptly hung up on the police, figuring the girl was just a runaway with an attitude problem who, by the looks of things, hadn't had a meal (or watched any television) in quite a while. The older woman idly stood there, baseball bat in hand as she remembered her own adolescence, which primarily consisted of going to public school and living out of a van. She could feel her face scrunch up in sympathy, and she was quick to lean the bat against the wall and approach the girl.

Before Abagail could open her mouth to offer the girl a late dinner, a shower, and her couch for a night, the girl giggled. Abagail stood in shock, surprised to find that the girl was laughing at her. It took the girl a second to calm herself before speaking, "I'm sorry, it's just that. You're just so perfect I couldn't help myself."

The girl paused for a second before continuing, "So, what's a better name?" She lifted herself off of the couch, idly making her way towards Abagail. "Cassia? Liviana? No, I've got it! Aelia! Aelia Sorrio! It's perfect!"

At this point, Abagail was not only thoroughly confused but soon found that no matter how hard she tried, she couldn't move. The girl's smile widened until it seemed more like she was baring her teeth and less like she was some schizophrenic homeless teenager who managed to break into her apartment, and more like a dangerous sociopath who needed to secure a place on every government watch list imaginable. Abagail tried to scream, only to find that her lips were firmly sealed shut by the aforementioned teenager.

"So, are you familiar with the idea of a harem, Ms. Dennis?"

Abagail nearly fainted at the proposition of being kidnapped by a teenager to be sold to the highest bidder, only to be shipped off to a foreign country and given such a ridiculous name. Abagail watched as the girl firmly shook her head, once again laughing at her.

"Oh, no silly! You're not going to be part of a harem. You're going to be my new self-insert who gets a yandere vampire harem of her very own!"

If Abagail was capable of moving her body, and not trapped by what she now realized was a thick smoke radiating off of the girl in waves, she would've gladly grabbed her discarded bat, and knock the girl in the head until she was surely unconscious. None the less, the girl continued with her speech.

"You see, I've come to realize that The Vampire Diaries lacks a lot of the fanfic that I personally adore. Particularly where the entire cast of men, who I'll mention are absolute hotties. You're welcome. Obsessively fall in love with the same character, who is, of course, you!"

Abagail watched as the smoke continued to roll up her body in waves, once again she heavily considered yelling at the girl as she bashed her brains in with her Hello Kitty themed "stick of doom", only to idly - that was a lie she told herself, in reality, she was anything but calm, the observation was more frantic in nature if anything – notice that the smoke's grasp grew increasingly tighter around her body.

"Okay, you probably want some context so here you go! You, Aelia Sorrio, are an immortal from the time of the Romans. What you are exactly is pretty ambiguous, but you can control plants and essentially, you're an overpowered hippie with a British accent. Since you're like, really old, you can speak a shit ton of languages, but you prefer Latin and English because," she paused "why not? Anyways, you've come to Mystic Falls to be the English teacher at the local high school where all the protagonists study, hot vampire boy included, and that's about it"

The girl laughed once again and shrugged "Anyways, that's all you really need to know, if anything else comes up that's important, I'll send you the info via a handy-dandy flashback"

The smoke was growing thicker around Abagail's body by the second and was quick to cover her eyes entering through her nose and mouth until she couldn't breathe. Abagail looked up in her haze, he consciousness fading fast as she heard the girl speak one last time.

"Oh, and I'll help you out whenever the plot needs pushing or you're lost or something, so don't worry your pretty little head about it"

And with that, everything went black, as Abagail Dennis went to sleep for the last time, only to wake up as one Aelia Sorrio.

"Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it."- Laurence J. Peter

Aba- Aelia woke up in the passenger's seat of a U-Haul truck with a pounding headache and a sense of dread in her stomach. For one, she realized very quickly that the teenage girl (Magician? Goddess?) in her apartment wasn't some sort of perverse dream, but was instead, a very powerful, nigh-omnipotent little piece of shit. One that was determined to make her life a living hell with a harem of overly-romanticized psychopathic stalkers. Abag- Aelia glared out the window at the house the U-Haul had just been parked in front of, as men who looked to be in some sort of hypnotic state unloaded and unpacked all of her belongings. Abaga- Aelia grit her teeth as she stared into the glassed-over eyes of one of the men unpacking, realizing exactly what sort of power that teenager had. Abagail shook her head and felt a smirk spread across her face as she realized something. Abagail Dennis would never bow to the whims of a teenager. She watched as the men left her new home in imaculate condition, everything was unpacked already and put into its respective place. Abagail idly slid her hand along the surface of a half ripe apple she found left in a bowl of fruit in the middle of her new home's kitchen and watched in satisfaction as the apple grew slightly and took on a brighter hue of red. Hit me with your best shot kid. She took a bite, wondering what exactly this new world had in store for her. I'll get home, even if I have to burn this entire world to ashes to get there.