"Do you always feel like a boy?"

Natsu's voice is quiet and uncertain, barely audible over the sound of the soccer game next to them. It's summer and they're in the park, lying on their backs with their elbows touching, and Gray looks over, frowning.

"Yeah," he says, because it's never occurred to him to be anything else. Natsu's expression changes a bit before he throws his arm over his eyes to shield them from the sun.

"Oh," he says. "Okay."

There's a silence while Gray stares up at the clouds, the question rolling around in his mind.

"Don't you?" He asks eventually. He's not sure if it's the right thing to say, but he doesn't know better and he's curious. Natsu's been quiet and moody lately and maybe this is related.

"Y-yeah. Of course." Nastu sits up slowly, reaching for the slurpee cup balanced precariously in the grass. Gray can't help but admire the smooth muscles of his arms, his dark tan, the way his tank top stretches across his chest. He's grown over the summer – they both have – and it's only made things more complicated for Gray.

"Why'd you ask?" He says, trying to distract himself. They've been best friends since they were five years old and if Natsu found out how Gray felt about him...

"Just..." Natsu sighs, rubbing his face and looking over at the soccer game. "Nothing. It's stupid." He passes Gray's slurpee to him and Gray does a terrible job of attempting to drink it lying down. The sun has long since reduced the sugary crystals to the sticky liquid that's now dripping down his face.

"Gross," he grumbles, sitting up and wiping his face, then licking his fingers to get rid of the bright blue goop. Natsu swallows, looking away from him hastily, and Gray frowns.

"You've been acting weird la-"

"Hey, look, Lyon's done!" Natsu interrupts him – rather forcefully – and points to the soccer field where Gray's brother is jogging over to them. "Ready to go?" He turns to Gray and flashes him a grin that seems sincere, so Gray doesn't question it and lets Natsu help him to his feet.

"You losers ready to go?" Lyon asks, ruffling Gray's hair. Gray tries to punch him in the stomach but Lyon dodges it neatly and grabs his arm, twisting it behind his back. "Nice try, princess." Gray growls at the nickname and shoves Lyon backward, nearly hard enough to knock him off his feet. Only Natsu is allowed to call Gray names. Especially ones like that.

"Jesus, what's your problem?" Lyon grumbles and elbows Gray as they head toward the car parked on the street. He's only a year older than Gray and Natsu but he acts like he's so much better than them because this is his last year of high school.

"Don't be a dick," Natsu says mildly, and Lyon doesn't argue. Natsu's spent so much time at their house that he's basically Lyon's brother too, and Gray has a feeling that Lyon likes Natsu better than him.

Natsu's mom is working late today so he stays for supper, and afterward they head up to Gray's bedroom to play Street Fighter. Natsu almost always wins, but Gray doesn't mind because they get to sit shoulder-to-shoulder on his beanbag chair and stretch their legs out in front of them, knocking ankles and poking or pinching each other after a particularly good move.

"Can't believe summer's over," Natsu says, setting down his controller after Gray actually beats him for once. He's not really reacting, which has Gray puzzled. Usually he's so competitive.

"Only two years left," he replies, crossing his legs and angling himself toward Natsu. To be honest he's not looking forward to this year. He's known that he's gay for a long time, and the more people he's around, the harder it is to hide. Plus, dad will be on his case again about trying out for various sports – look how well Lyon's doing, it will help you make friends. He already has a friend. "And we've got most classes together."

"Yeah," Natsu says softly, and Gray is this close to asking him if he's okay when the doorbell rings. Natsu curls in on himself a bit, looking hesitant, then smiles. Gray can tell it's fake but he doesn't know what to say. "Mom's here," Natsu says. "I'll see you tomorrow?"

"Yeah," says Gray as he walks Natsu down the stairs and waves to Mrs Dragneel. Natsu turns to him and nods and Gray can see the sadness in his eyes, but he can't do anything but wave goodbye.

Unsurprisingly, school is the usual boring garbage. Most of the other boys from their class have also grown, and are now even bigger assholes. Gray has come to loathe gym class, since the locker room is where the boys all talk about tits and tight asses and it's just gross. Even if he wasn't gay, he'd find it disgusting. He and Nastu try to find their own corner of the locker room to change in peace, but Gray's realizing now that it might not have been the best idea.

"Where's your boyfriend, Fullbuster?" Gray freezes, hand on his locker door, and counts slowly to ten before turning around. Dylan and Shane are there – ultra jocks, even bigger dicks. "Y'know, the queer with the pink hair? Don't you guys hold hands on the way to all your classes?" Shane snorts and high-fives his friend.

Gray can feel his heart starting to pound and he knows his ears are turning red – he's glad his hair is long enough to cover them. Do they know? Or are they just being jerks?

"Fuck you," he growls, loud enough for the people around them to hear. "He's not a queer. Don't say that shit."

"Aww, he's protecting his true love." Shane clasps his hands in front of himself and pretends to swoon, and Natsu has the unfortunate luck of rounding the corner at that exact moment. "Hey, there he is! Here to hold your boyfriend's hand, fag?"

The word sets Gray's chest on fire – all he can see is the embarrassed flush on Natsu's cheeks, the way his eyes drop to the ground, how his fingers dig into his backpack straps. Gray turns to Shane and shoves him, hard. Dylan's eyes widen and he immediately drops his backpack, swinging wildly at Gray. Luckily, Gray's had enough practice fighting Lyon that he dodges the punch and instead plants one in Dylan's stomach.

The fight is short. Natsu runs up at one point and gets a hit on Shane's face, and Gray takes a fist to the nose. He feels like screaming, like wrapping his hands around these stupid boy's necks and pressing down until their words can't come out.

It ends with all four of them in the principal's office, Gray and Shane both holding ice packs to their faces. Nobody says anything as the principal talks to the teachers – the room is filled with angry tension that makes Gray feel sick. His stomach is roiling and a dizzying haze is clouding his vision. Natsu's sitting next to him and Gray wants to reach out and touch him, but instead he balls his hand into a tight fist. That would only make it worse.

"Their fighting was unacceptable, but your behavior provoked them." Gray can't quite believe the principal's words. Dylan and Shane have been sent away with a one-week suspension, while Gray and Natsu are still sitting in the principal's office. "I don't care what you do outside the school, but while you're here, keep your hands to yourselves."

"We weren't doing anything," Natsu protests, voice wavering. "I was...I was down the hall, we weren't even...and even if we were..." The principal shakes his head.

"Unfortunately, my hands are tied. You'll both be receiving a one-week suspension as well." Gray's chest tightens. Dad is going to be furious. "I've already contacted your parents, they'll be here to pick you up soon. You can wait in the office."

Once the principal leaves the office, Natsu starts to cry. Gray can see he's trying to hide it by rubbing at his face, but he knows his friend too well to miss the subtle shaking of his shoulders.

"I'm sorry," Natsu whispers. "I'm sorry, this is – it's my fault, I can't..."

"It wasn't your fault," Gray says, removing the ice pack and rubbing at his nose. It hurts like hell but he's pretty sure he hit Dylan harder. "They're just assholes. Fuck them." Natsu takes a shaky breath and buries his face in his hands, elbows on his knees.

"...I just..." he trails off, groaning in frustration. "They think that, that you and I, that we're-"

"I don't care what they think," Gray says quietly, even though he does care, very much. He can't have people knowing, but right now, stopping Natsu's tears is his priority. "You're more important than them."

Natsu doesn't say anything, just keeps his hands over his face and sighs. "How do they know?" He whispers. Gray blinks. Did he hear that right?

"Know...what?" He asks, but he's interrupted by the door opening and his father glaring down at him. He shrinks into the chair a little bit, hoping the principal didn't mention what precipitated the fight. Dad's not a fan of 'the queers'. He elbows Natsu – the most contact he can have without his dad being suspicious – and whispers to him. "It's okay. It's not your fault."

A couple weeks later they're hanging out at the pond behind Natsu's house because despite both their parents being furious about the suspension, they can't keep the two apart. Natsu is particularly morose today, giving Gray only short answers and kicking rocks as they walk down the trail.

When they make it to the pier Gray immediately tugs off his shoes and socks, then sits on the edge and dips his feet in the water. Natsu sits down tentatively beside him, bringing his knees up to his chest and gazing out across the water.

"Take your shoes off," Gray says, poking at Natsu's sneakers. The other boy shakes his head, resting his chin on his knees. Gray sighs. "C'mon, we always do this." There's no reply. "Natsu, what's wrong?"

"I don't..." Nastu trails off and refuses to look at Gray. "Just not feeling that great today." It's an unconvincing lie and Gray scoffs.

"I've known you for twelve years, man." Natsu winces and Gray tilts his head in confusion. "Seriously, what's going on?"

"I don't know," Natsu says in a small voice. "I don't know how to talk about it."

Gray thinks about how thinking about coming out makes him feel sick, and sympathizes with Natsu's hesitation. Even Natsu doesn't know that Gray's gay, and Gray feels guilty, but he's so scared of what might happen that he just can't say the words. Maybe Natsu's feeling like that, too, about whatever's bugging him.

"Take off your shoes," he says again, nudging Natsu with his shoulder. Natsu starts to shy away from the touch, then sighs and leans back into Gray. "Please?"

Natsu reaches for the laces of his shoes, hands trembling a bit, then undoes the laces and reluctantly tugs them off. When he pulls of his socks Gray blinks in surprise – his toenails are painted. They're a soft pink, and it's obviously been done recently. Natsu's cheeks are the same color as he hurriedly sticks his feet in the water.

"It was – not, I mean, Wendy wanted to." His words are rushed and he bites his lip. "She was, she asked me and I just-"

"It's okay." Gray stops him by putting a hand on his knee. Natsu won't look him in the eye and Gray stares at him, brow furrowed in concern. "It's fine, you don't...you don't have to explain."

He's a bit puzzled by the behavior – Natsu's never done something like this before. Is this what he meant when he asked how Dylan and Shane knew? Was...was Natsu gay? He'd never expressed interest in girls or boys before, and he'd turned down two classmates that had asked him out last year. He and Gray had never talked about it, but Gray had been secretly relieved.

"You can talk to me about anything," he says after a minute. His hand is still on Natsu's knee and Natsu hasn't said anything about it. Part of Gray is tempted to tell his secret, to show Natsu that he trusts him and that he could do the same. It's there, just in the back of his throat, but the words are stuck and he can't get them past his teeth. "You know that, right?" He says instead.

"I know," Natsu whispers, kicking his feet in the water. Little splashes fly further into the pond and start chain reactions, circles spreading outward from the site of impact. "I would. Will, maybe." He doesn't say anything else.

They spend the rest of the afternoon talking about things like videogames and homework, and eventually Natsu relaxes. The easy camaraderie of their friendship slowly builds up again until they're both laughing and trying to knock each other into the pond.

When Nastu pulls his socks back on a few hours later he doesn't look ashamed.

"Where's that big orange blanket?" Gray shouts from Natsu's bedroom.

"Closet!" Natsu yells. He's down the hall in the living room, picking a movie. Last week they'd watched Fifth Element for probably the fourteenth time because it's Gray's favorite movie, so this week it's Natsu's turn to pick.

Gray opens Natsu's closet and starts rummaging around in it, pushing aside piles of dirty clothes and half-built Lego creations. He's been in here a hundred times – in fact, some of his clothes are probably in here – and neither of them care about the other touching their underwear.

The blanket is shoved back in the far corner and Gray tugs it out, frowning when something red and unfamiliar comes with it. He grabs the fabric and holds it up, then drops it immediately as he realizes it's a pair of women's underwear. What are those doing in Natsu's closet? Did he have a girl over that he didn't tell Gray about? That would be surprising, but...

He crouches down and tugs out another piece of clothing he's never seen before – a skirt. It's knee-length and pale blue, and it looks like it hasn't been worn much. Gray swallows, working through possible explanations in his head. It's almost impossible that Natsu would have invited a girl over, never mind had her underwear off and in his closet. And these clothes are much too big for his sister. Which means...

Do you always feel like a boy?

How do they know?

Suddenly that makes a lot more sense.

His head is still spinning when he settles on the couch in the living room, burrowing under the blanket. Natsu joins him, pulling the corner of the duvet over himself and shifting until their thighs are touching. He looks almost shy, and Gray manages to ask why.

"You okay?" Are you okay because you've been dressing like a girl and hiding it from everyone? Are you okay because you want to paint your nails and are scared what the kids at school will think? Are you okay because I said the wrong thing and now you think you can't talk to me?

"Yeah," Natsu says, glancing up at the TV. Gray notices that he's painted his thumbnails – a soft, shimmery pink that's barely noticeable. "Do you, um, I know we usually do action but...and if you don't wanna that's, it's fine..." Gray finally looks at the TV and sees that Natsu has readied up The Princess Bride.

"Of course," he says, turning back to Natsu and really seeing now how tired and sad he looks. Before he can think he pulls Natsu into an awkward hug. Natsu stiffens for a second, then relaxes and huffs out a laugh, returning the embrace before sitting up again.

"What was that for?" He asks, brows furrowed in puzzlement. Gray shrugs, feeling heat creeping up into his cheeks.

"Dunno," he says meekly, picking at a stray thread on the blanket. They've been using this blanket since they were five and started having sleepovers. Natsu has a treehouse in his backyard and they would drag the blanket up, then curl up together and make up constellations. "Just - you know you're my best friend, right?"

"I'm your only friend," Natsu jokes, and Gray doesn't mind because it's true. "But yeah. You're my best friend too." He nudges Gray with his knee. "Are you okay?"

Gray desperately wants to ask him about the skirt and the underwear but he's so afraid that Natsu will shut down completely if he does. Instead he nods and says, "Yeah, it's all good. We watching this or not?"

Natsu falls asleep around the 'mostly dead' scene, head resting on Gray's shoulder. Gray moves his arm so it's wrapped around Natsu's shoulders, and even though they've done this a million times, it feels different now. He's worried about his friend – worried about the other kids at school, about Natsu's mom, about what other people would say if they found out. Gray doesn't care about clothes and nailpolish and not always feeling like a boy – Natsu will always be Natsu. But will everyone else feel that way?

The movie ends on a 'happily ever after' and he sighs as the credits start to roll. Instead of waking Natsu, he shifts a bit so they're almost lying down on the couch and closes his eyes. Is an ending like that possible for either of them?

"We should dress up for Halloween this year."

Natsu frowns at Gray from his position on the dark-haired boy's bed. He's lying upside down, watching Gray build a Lego model of the Eiffel tower. It's the beginning of October and it's chilly outside, the leaves long gone from the trees and the sky cloudy and grey.

"Why?" Natsu reaches out and pokes Gray, nearly tumbling off the bed. "Don't we boycott Halloween?" His nails are all painted now, still a soft color that's hard to notice, but it's there. His hair is longer, too – Gray's noticed that he hasn't been cutting it. It covers the back of his neck now, and Gray wants to run his fingers through it.

"I dunno, it might be fun." Gray tries to hide his nervousness. He's been trying to poke and prod at Natsu for a month now to no avail – any time Gray gets anywhere close to the subject, Natsu clams up and changes the topic. "We could do Han Solo and Princess Leia?" He doesn't look at Natsu, just keeps nonchalantly building his model. He's fairly certain he screwed up a few pages ago, but it doesn't matter.

"Heh. Y-you'd look, ah, look pretty silly with buns like that." Natsu's voice is light and breathless, and he rolls up into a sitting position, crossing his legs and folding his arms over his chest.

"Nah, I think you'd look better in the dress."

The silence that follows is charged and heavy, and Gray feels like it's pushing on his chest so he can't breathe. Eventually he manages to look up at Natsu, who's staring at Gray with an unreadable expression.

"Wearing dresses is okay," Gray says softly, and Natsu makes a small sound and pulls his legs up to his chest. He's trembling now – Gray can see his arms and lower lips shaking.

"H-how-" Natsu swallows, his voice raspy. "You..."

"I found the skirt," Gray says quietly, shame creeping into his cheeks. "I didn't mean to, I was looking for the blanket and it was just, it was there, and I-" He stops himself, realizing that Natsu is crying now, curled in on himself as tightly as possible. "Hey, listen, it's okay." Gray moves over to the bed and sits next to Natsu, close but not touching. "I'm not...I'm not judging. You're still you."

Natsu lets out a sob and Gray's heart hurts for his friend. He'd considered never talking about it but it was eating Natsu up from the inside, killing his smile and his spirit day by day.

"I'm sorry," Natsu says between sobs, shaking his head. "I didn't...I wanted..." His shoulders shake and he rocks forward, crying with heavy, grief-filled sobs. Gray runs a hand through his hair. He knows he has to tell Natsu his secret, to prove that he's here, that he's different too and it's okay. He sighs and grits his teeth and fights against his fear to get the words out.

"I'm gay."

Natsu's sobs subside and he looks up, startled. He rubs at his red eyes with the back of his hand and Gray looks away from him, down at the blanket. It's the first time he's said those words and it was...easier than he'd expected.

"H-how long have you known?"

Gray sighs, tracing the pattern of stars on his bed cover, counting each individual mark until he reaches twenty-five and the square of the blanket ends.

"Since I was thirteen." Natsu lets out a loud exhale and turns slightly. Gray knows what Natsu's going to ask before the words leave his mouth.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

Gray sighs, putting his head in his hands. He's not really sure how to answer that, because he doesn't really know the answer. Part of it was that when he realized he was gay, he realized he was gay for Natsu. And their friendship was something he couldn't screw up.

"I was scared," he says eventually, letting out a shaky sigh. "Nobody knows. I don't, I just don't want people to know. My dad, he's, well you know what he's like. And school, I mean they already give us shit for it and it's just...speculation."

"Did you think I'd stop being friends with you?" Natsu asks. Gray groans, flopping back on the bed and throwing his arms out to either side.

"No." He can tell that Natsu knows he's lying. "Maybe? Yes? I dunno, we've never...we don't talk about this stuff." He closes his eyes. "You've never...I've never seen you wanna date anybody. And I'm not interested in anyone else, and so we just never-"

"Anyone else?" Natsu asked, brow furrowed. "What's that mean?"

Shit. Gray covers his mouth with his hands and groans, rolling away from Natsu. "Nothing, I just meant anybody, like I'm not interested in anybody so it just, it wasn't important. And we never talked about it." He chews on the inside of his lip. "Did you think I'd stop being friends with you?"

There's a long silence. The only sound is the faint noise of the television downstairs.

"I don't know," Natsu says eventually. "I don't really...I don't know what I am."

Gray rolls back over so he's facing Natsu, who's laid back on the bed as well. They're facing each other now, knees almost touching.

"Do you...do you like girls?" Natsu shakes his head. "Boys?" He hesitates a second before nodding. Gray stares at the uncomfortable expression on Natsu's face before asking, "Do you feel like you're a girl?"

"Sometimes," Natsu whispers after a minute. "I don't want, I'm not a girl. I don't want to be a girl. But sometimes I don't want to be a boy either." He chews on his thumbnail, then grimaces at the bitter taste of the nailpolish. "Sometimes...I like girl clothes." His cheeks are bright red now, and he keeps his hands in front of his face.

"That's...there's nothing wrong with that," Grays says, even though he knows that other people won't see it that way. "And your nails. I think...I like it. It looks good." Natsu lets out a breathy laugh, like he's trying to keep from crying again.

"I'm a freak," he insists, even when Gray shakes his head vehemently. "I'm messed up, not supposed to be this way. I feel so...guilty, but it feels right."

"You're not a freak," Gray insists. He moves his hand between them, letting Natsu decide whether to take it or not. After a moment he feels warm fingers curled against his. This is normal. They've done this before. "You're you. You're my best friend and nothing's gonna change that." He squeezes Natsu's hand. "Do you think I'm a freak?"

"Of course not," Natsu says immediately, looking at Gray with concern. "No, never. I'd never...and I'm not mad." Gray doesn't realize he needs to hear those words until Natsu says them. "I'm not mad, I kept a secret from you too."

"No more secrets?" Gray asks, brushing a thumb over Natsu's knuckles. Natsu sighs, but it's grateful and happy and relieved.

"No more secrets," he agrees.

Halloween comes and goes and they don't dress up, but they do spend the evening playing some new Japanese fighting game that Natsu took out from the library. They don't talk much about their secrets after the day in Gray's room, but they're more comfortable now. Natsu smiles easier and the taunts from the boys at school seem less...important, somehow.

It's almost December when Natsu's mom announces that she has to start working the evening shift on movie night. The first time she leaves, Gray can practically see Natsu vibrating with anticipation until the second she walks out the door. Then he turns to Gray with an uncertain expression on his face.

"Go get changed," Gray says, nudging him down the hall toward his bedroom. Natsu looks like he's going to argue but Gray gives him a look and he backs down.

When he comes out of the room a little while later his face is redder than Gray's ever seen it, and his arms are crossed over his chest self-consciously. He's wearing the skirt and one of his videogame t-shirts, and Gray can see a hint of eyeshadow even from the couch.

"C'mere," he says gently, and Natsu moves forward, movements stiff and wooden. Gray stands up and takes Natsu's arms, uncrossing them and holding them at his sides. From up close Gray can see that the YouTube tutorials they'd been watching have paid off – Natsu's eyes are framed with a soft gold eyeshadow, and he has a hint of pink on his lips. "You look gorgeous."

"Shut up," Natsu says softly, eyes trained on the floor. "Don't...please don't say things you don't mean. This is hard enough."

"I do mean it," Gray insists, ducking his head to try and get Natsu to meet his eyes. "How do you feel?"

"Embarrassed," Natsu whispers. After a moment he adds, "Right. But I don't know what that means. I'm not...transgender. But I'm not normal."

"Normal's boring," Gray insists, putting a hand under Natsu's chin and gently encouraging him to look up. Tears are brimming in the pink-haired boy's eyes and Gray sighs, pulling him into a hug. "I'm sorry. I have no idea what you're going through. But I think you look pretty and the way I feel about you hasn't changed."

"How do you feel about me?" Natsu asks and Gray swears inwardly, sighing into Natsu's shoulder. His stomach is a tangle of knots because if he owns up to this, if he says what he's feeling then he could lose this. But if he doesn't...

"I like you," he whispers. Natsu pulls back out of the hug but doesn't let go of Gray's arms. "I mean...I like like you. I have for a while." The few seconds of silence after this admission stretch into what feels like an eternity and Gray adds, "I don't want to mess up our friendship, I shouldn't, gods, I shouldn't have said-"

"I like you too."

The shouting in Gray's brain stops immediately and he looks up at Natsu, a hopeful feeling bubbling in his chest. Natsu is squeezing Gray's forearms and looking at the floor, but he keeps going.

"For a while, too. I didn't...I didn't know if you liked boys." He lets go of one of Gray's arms to rub his neck. "And I didn't think you could like me, because I'm not...I'm not normal. And if you like boys, then-"

"I like you," Gray says, pulling Natsu down to sit on the couch with him. Natsu tucks the skirt under him and it makes Gray's heart swell to see how comfortable his friend looks. "If you feel like a girl, or a boy, or neither, or whatever, it doesn't matter. Maybe you don't need to call it anything."

Natsu looks up at him and licks his lips, then squeezes Gray's arm gently.

"Can I kiss you?"

"Yes." Gray leans in and as their lips meet, he feels all the tension in his body release and flow away. Natsu is tentative at first, and he tastes like peach lip gloss, and it's everything Gray could ever want in a first kiss. A hand gently brushes his cheek and he leans into it, kissing a little deeper until he's pressing Natsu up against the couch cushions.

They break apart, breathless, and Gray is elated to see that Natsu is smiling. It fades a little and he brushes his fingers over Gray's cheek.

"I don't want..." He swallows. "The girl stuff. I don't want anyone else to know." Gray nods, running his fingers over the soft fabric of the skirt.

"I don't know if I'm ready to be out to anyone else either," he admits, feeling the ache in his chest as he thinks about telling his father. Not now. He can't do it. "But I care about you. So much." Natsu leans forward and places his forehead on Gray's chest.

"Maybe, for now..." He drops his hand to Gray's thigh and squeezes. "Movie nights can involve kissing?" Gray laughs, wrapping his arms around Natsu. "Is that okay?"

"Yeah," Gray says, making himself more comfortable on the couch and pulling Natsu with him until they're cuddling against the armrest. "You can be who you want to be here. With me."

"I know," Natsu says. They're silent for a few minutes, just breathing together and existing as their honest selves for once. Then Gray reaches over to the coffee table and grabs the remote.

"You ready for Star Trek?" He asks, pressing play and humming along to the familiar theme music. Natsu laughs and snuggles deeper into his chest.

"Sounds good," he says, twining their fingers together. "Let's boldly go where no one has gone before."