Chapter 10 part 3

She hurried into the bedchamber she shared with Jane, quite relieved at the moment's respite that it afforded her. Jane and Kitty were still in the other room, and Elizabeth only needed a few moments to collect herself. The day had been a hectic one, but she had found a way to speak with Mr. Collins, as promised.

Her plan depended slightly on Mr. Denny's cooperation, but so little that it did not hinge upon it. She had sent him a note earlier today, and could only hope that he had received it in time to collect one or two pieces of militia memorabilia that he could show to Mr. Collins and Lydia, in hopes that Mr. Collins would then regale her with tales of his own time in the service. Once her interest was caught, he was to expound upon the beauty to be found at Rosings Park, and the exciting teas and balls that were occasionally thrown. He was also to tell her about the many interesting responsibilities of being a clergyman's wife, from the endless interaction with their parishioners and all of the good she could do if she were to hold such a position. Lastly, Mr. Collins had agreed to declare himself if all of the aforementioned conversation went well, to determine if she would entertain the idea of a courtship.

Elizabeth was initially very hesitant to involve Mr. Denny, as he had always shown Lydia a particular favoritism, but they had recently received word of his engagement to a young lady that he had been courting at his previous post. It seemed that she had finally agreed to move wherever he was assigned, and as such, they decided to marry. The banns had recently been posted, and the ceremony would be expected within a fortnight.

Her necklace lay on her dressing table and she sat to put it on, inspecting her reflection once she was through. She could find nothing wrong with it, but found herself wishing for the first time that she might be considered as pretty as Jane, for then she felt that perhaps she stood a chance of catching a certain gentleman's eye as well.

I wonder what Darcy will think. He has never said that he finds my appearance to be pleasing, nor has he given any indication otherwise. It is not likely that he will ever tell me his opinion, as I have already ruined our chances together. As he said near the rectory, he already asked for my hand once, and now I do not see him asking again. The realization brought tears to her eyes, and she had to blink rapidly to keep them from falling, for once they began, she was afraid they would not cease, and it would not do to go to a ball with swollen, red-rimmed eyes.

Vowing not to think on it any more, she gave herself a stern look in the reflection. Unfortunately, it did not help. I wonder if he will be accompanied by anyone this evening. I cannot expect a man as handsome, intelligent and diverting as my Darcy to remain single for long. Oh, if only I knew him this well when he proposed at Netherfield Park, I would have said yes in an instant. But I did not, and so I refused, thinking it best for us both, as I felt he was insincere and only being pressed into it by his aunt. But now I wonder…

His voice echoed through her mind as she recalled the way he had said "I would be happy with books," ever so intimately. The phrase had repeated itself often in her mind, and wrenched her heart a little more every time. I do not know if I can bear to watch him dancing and laughing with someone else the way he laughed with me on my walk. But eventually I will have to, as I am certain that he will bring his bride with him to visit at Netherfield Park, when he finally claims one. If Mr. Bingley keeps the estate, that is, and I cannot wish him to release the lease if he is to make an offer for Jane.

Thoroughly miserable at this line of thought, Elizabeth put her head upon her dressing table for a moment. It was only the voice of Jane at the door that brought her out of her mood, asking if she was ready to depart. Elizabeth took a deep breath to steady herself and replied that she was.

She put on her own cloak to protect her evening gown from dirt on the way to Netherfield Park, took one last look in the mirror to make certain that her face looked better than her heart felt, and left for the ball.