Naruto sat quietly in the classroom. Today was graduation day and many of his fellow students stared at him.

His usual orange jumpsuit was gone, replaced by what can only be described as "sensible shinobi attire."

"Hey, dobe!" Kiba yelled. "Despite the fact that I never say a word to you until the Chunin Exams, I'm compelled to ask why your attire has changed!"

"You're talking too smart, Kiba," Shikamaru yawned while handing him the script. "Remember, this is the one where you're brash and stupid and basically Naruto before the author had their wish fulfillment."

Kiba scrunched his nose and flipped through the script. "Oh yeah. Okay, redo!"

Everyone sighed and went back to their original places.

"Dobe!" Kiba yelled. "What the hell are you wearing?!"

Shikamaru nodded. "That's better."

Naruto snorted and fixed him with an unimpressed look. "Since you're obviously too stupid to tell, Inuzuka, I'll spell it out for you: it was all an act. A mask, of sorts, I suppose."

Kiba opened his mouth, then frowned. "Wait, wait, so you spent six years making everyone think that you're dumb? Why?"

Naruto sneered. "Obviously so that no one would perceive me as a threat and try to exterminate me."

"...why did you stop now? Wouldn't it have worked better if you just kept acting like an idiot?"

Naruto facepalmed. "Kiba, you're not supposed to ask questions! You're supposed to be awed and intimidated by me! Now we gotta start all over aga-"

"I WIN!" two voiced yelled.

Ino Yamanaka and Sakura Haruno ran into the classroom. They paused when they noticed everyone staring at them.

"Were we early?" Ino asked.

"Yeah, there were three more minutes left in the scene," Chouji said.

"No, wait!" Sakura was looking at her timer. "No, we're on time! It's you guys that are behind!"

Sasuke, who was sitting in the corner of the room, sighed. "Look, we already screwed it up, so we might as well start ov-"

"Congratulations on graduati- Wait, did the scene not start yet?"

Everyone slumped when they saw Iruka's sheepish face.

SSSRHA scowled. "Okay, new plan!"

Naruto ran desperately away from the Villagers.

Why me? he thought. What have I ever done? What did-

"Naruto!"

Naruto tripped and fell. He looked up. "Old Man, you're not supposed to come until after the Villagers beat me to near-death!"

The Hokage blinked. "But where's the logic in that? I know you're being attacked, so why don't I stop it?"

"Some plot twist will hopefully be revealed later!" Naruto snapped. "Or maybe the author will just leave it alone! Did you even read the script?!"

"I'm the great Hiruzen Sarutobi, I don't need to stinkin' script!"

The Villagers in the background blinked. Mebuki Haruno examined her script. "Oh, yeah, and why am I here in the first place? I don't think that I ever even acknowledged that Naruto existed in canon."

SSSRHA's eye twitched. "Okay...new plan."

Naruto, panting heavily, dragged a bloody and bruised Sasuke through the gates of Konoha.

He smiled weakly when he saw Sakura waiting for him.

"I...I did, it Sakura," he said. "I kept my promise."

Sakura walked up to him robotically, took one look at Sasuke, and slapped Naruto across the face.

"Why did you hurt him so much?!" she demanded.

Sasuke glanced up from his position on the ground, scowling slightly at the taste of the fake blood in his mouth. "Wait, isn't this the part where Sakura fawns over me and completely ignores Naruto, despite the fact that, while she's very annoying, she's a decent person?"

Naruto unceremoniously dropped Sasuke onto the ground. "No," he growled, "that's our next gig. She's supposed to slap me in this one!"

"I know she's not exactly the best character in the series, but really? She would at least be concerned for both of us, though maybe more so about me," Sasuke argued.

"WHY DOES NO ONE READ THE GODDAMN SCRIPT?!"

SSSRHA stared. "...okay, let's try something else."

Sasuke watched on in awe and fury as Naruto completely demolished Kakashi with a Rasengan during their bell test.

Without even hesitating, Sasuke lept out of his hiding spot, positioned himself in front of Naruto and a fallen Kakashi, and yelled, "I demand you teach me your jutsu, dobe! I'm an Uchiha, I deserve it, not you! I need it to defeat That Man!"

Naruto stared at him, his eyes emotionless. "No. Since you're too stupid to realize this, I'll just tell you: Just because you're an Uchiha doesn't mean that you're better than everyone else. Also, your brother loved you, you idiot, wake up and smell the flowers."

"Hold up!" Sakura said. "How do you know all of that? The first arc isn't even over yet!"

Naruto shrugged. "I have my ways."

"And when has Sasuke ever demanded that you teach him something in canon? The closest time I can think of was when you two start tree walking in the Land of Waves and he asks you for tips. Which you refuse to give him just for the hell of it, by the way."

Kakashi proceeded to stand up, brush himself off, and cheerfully say, "Looks like this scene has just been ruined!"

SSSRHA took in a deep breath. "I've still got some ideas…"

Naruto had a secret: he was the mysterious ANBU Shadow Fox-

"ANBU are just named after animals, not anything else," Kakashi pointed out, lazily flipping through his book.

Okay then, Naruto had a secret: he was the mysterious ANBU Fox-

"Isn't that a bit overboard? I mean, really? Could it be any more obvious that Naruto, the Kyuubi Jinchuuriki, was the ANBU called 'Fox'?"

Naruto had a secret: he was the mysterious ANBU Toad-

SSSRHA let out a cry of frustration. "But that doesn't sound as cool!"

"Neither does being codenamed Weasel, but you didn't seem to have a problem with that," Itachi said from off to the side.

"Yeah, but that's symbolic of both your actual name and your bad fortune!"

"And again, it's also somewhat obvious."

"But isn't that what you were in canon?"

Itachi paused. "...I suppose I was," he admitted, "but still."

"But it's canon!"

"But still."

That's when Iruka piped up. "Also, why am I here?"

"And you named him Dolphin," Kakashi chimed in.

Itachi shook his head ruefully. "How could you?"

SSSRHA facepalmed. "Naruto hasn't even entered the story yet and it's already falling apart."

"About that," a squeaky, high-pitched voice said, "why am I five?"

"Because you're a badass!"

"BUT I'M FIVE!"

"That's not the- Nevermind. Let's try something else."

The sun shined bright over Konoha High School and-

SSSRHA slumped. "I already know this is going to go badly. Let me figure out something else."

Rainbow Lilly Uchiha Uzumaki Hatake glared as-

"Okay, this one's also a hot mess."

"Yeah," Naruto said, "especially since 'Rainbow' and 'Lilly' aren't even Japanese words. Realistically, we wouldn't be able to pronounce that."

"Can you shut up?"

"I'm sorry, but I'm done supporting you."

SSSRHA scowled. "But the show must go on!"

"So, what are we doing?" Sakura asked.

"Here." SSSRHA handed her and Sasuke a script.

They flipped through it for a second, before freezing.

Their faces went bright red.

"W-WHAT THE-"

"Come on, it'll be fun!"

"WE'RE THIRTEEN!"

"But you're both hot!"

"No!"

SSSRHA grit her teeth. "Fine."

"So," Naruto asked, "what are we doing?"

"Here." SSSRHA handed him and Sasuke a script.

Sasuke took one look at it, snatched Naruto's out of his hand, threw both scripts in the air, and then incinerated them with a Katon jutsu.

His face bright red, the Uchiha seethed, "Both Naruto and I are straight and happily married, thank you very much!"

Naruto, catching on, also went bright red. "Seriously?!"

SSSRHA glared at them. "Say what you like but, if I'm being honest with you, there's more evidence going for SasuNaru than NaruHina or SasuSaku."

"No!" Naruto yelled. "The whole premise of SasuNaru is stupid-"

"What about NaruSasu?" SSSRHA asked. "It works just as well."

Naruto blinked, suddenly interested. "I guess that wouldn't be-"

"NO!" Sasuke thundered. "Do something else!"

SSSRHA slumped. "Well, you're not giving me a lot of options."

"No, we're just getting rid of the bad ones!"

"There's no such thing as a bad idea!"

"Maybe, but there's always a bad way of going about it! If you're going to write something like a Naruto in ANBU at age five fic, then write it! Just do it in a way that makes sense! Naruto won't be the best or strongest ANBU, so don't make him the best!"

"But...but I want Naruto to be a badass!"

"I'm already a badass!" Naruto snapped. "I'm Hokage, remember? I'm the jinchuuriki of the Kyuubi! I'm the incarnation of both Asura Otsutsuki and Hashirama goddamn Senju! Sasuke and I combined could probably overthrow the whole Continent! I don't need to be more badass!"

SSSRHA slumped. "I...I get it...I'll try to put a bit more development into you."

Naruto nodded, satisfied. "Good."

"But...can I keep one thing?"

"Well...I suppose that one cliché isn't going to ruin your story."

SSSRHA brightened. "Great, I'll get right to it!"

I wonder what she's going to keep…

Hey, kit, it looks like I'm here to stay!

Sasuke facepalmed.

THE END

Well, I hope that you enjoyed that. I spent quite a bit of time remembering a bunch of Naruto fanfic clichés for this (not that it was hard).

Anyway, remember to Favorite, Follow, and Review! This is SSSRHA, signing out!