AN: For everyone who is still waiting around for me to update, thank you. You are far better than I deserve. And for the person who wanted a celebratory chapter for finishing their unit. Sorry this is belated, but congrats to you!
The world fell back into place quickly, but Morgana had to take a second to find her balance, and not just physically. Ever since Ariel had first pulled her into the spell Morgana had felt off balance. Her magic didn't work here, and she felt unnerved being surrounded by enemies on all sides, the fact that they couldn't hurt her did little to help her feel comforted. And then to realize that she was not only in the past, but that she'd been pulled there by a Walker of Paths… It was terrifying. Morgause had mentioned Walkers before, they weren't particularly powerful, nothing compared to a High Priestess of the Old Religion, but Morgana knew that only a fool would ignore a Walker that had decided to intervene.
Neither she nor Morgause would have ever been able to power a spell such as this.
And then to discover that Merlin had magic. Morgana felt betrayed. She had turned to Merlin, practically begged him to help her, and he hadn't. He had left her to struggle on her own, terrified of herself, terrified of what would happen if anyone else ever realized.
He would have understood her.
She wouldn't have been so alone.
But her outrage and betrayal had taken a backseat as she'd watched Hunith's attempt to spare her son a life of pain and fear.
There was mercy in death.
Even now, she wasn't sure how she felt. She was still so angry. Angry at Arthur, at Gwen, at Camelot. Angry at Merlin. Angry at Uther. There was so much to be angry at.
But she had felt compassion too. Compassion for Hunith and the impossible decision she'd had to make. Compassion for Gwen who saw past the accusations and straight to the horror of the situation. Compassion for Merlin, and the fact that his entire life must have been filled with that same fear she had felt after she'd discovered her magic and before she'd escaped Camelot. It didn't by any means mean that she'd forgiven them, her hatred still far outshone her compassion. But while she was stuck here, she would hold to that compassion. Her hatred would only make her sense of powerlessness more painful.
It had been a long time since she had felt compassion for anyone that was not Aithusa.
She glanced at Mordred, she had felt compassion for him, but then he'd betrayed her, the way everyone else had.
She turned away, because beneath the anger was pain. She was so tired of the pain and the hurt. She was tired of the anger too, but she would hold onto that anger and pain and hate until there was actual change. She may feel compassion for Merlin's plight. But she couldn't condone his decision to sit back and do nothing while their people suffered.
She turned away from her introspection and instead watched the scene before her. Some time had passed, because Merlin was no longer a baby, but a toddler, Morgana would venture a guess that he was probably about three.
Merlin was following behind his mother's skirts, giggling quietly to himself every time his mother turned around, trying valiantly to stay hidden behind her. Whenever he failed he would throw his hands up and over his eyes as though that actually solved the problem. Without fail Hunith would laugh and make a show of searching for him. Every time she 'failed' to find him Melrin would beam brightly, his smile wide and happy, and throw himself at his mother, "I'm wite here! Loot! I'm wite here!" Hunith's bright laughter made Morgana ache for simpler times, she missed her father, her real one.
It continued on in this vein as Hunith patiently cleaned the house and began to prepare for the evening meal, Merlin's giggling increasing each time. She didn't even feel the magic before it happened, one moment Merlin was there, the next he was disappearing. She heard Gwen yell Merlin's name in panic, heard Gwaine call out, his voice rising above the others as he pointlessly called out for Merlin. Morgana froze, part of her mind was trying to process the fact that she hadn't felt the magic, but then she'd never felt Merlin's magic. Another part of her mind was trying to compute the fact that Merlin was gone, that he had disappeared. She didn't appreciate the panic that caused her. She didn't care about Merlin. She didn't care about any of them.
She pushed the thought away, it was normal to feel worry when impossible things happened.
Merlin should not have been able to disappear, not at his age, not wordlessly. A second thought occurred to her; what if Merlin hadn't done it? What if someone had discovered Merlin's talent and had taken him?
In the back of her mind she noted that Arthur looked just as panicked as Gwen, Gaius, and the knights.
Arthur may not realize it yet, but he would forgive Merlin. She wasn't fool enough to believe that forgiving Merlin would be the same thing as accepting Magic, but it was also the best chance that Magic had.
She wondered if forgiving Merlin would lead to him forgiving her. But then, she wasn't sure she wanted to be forgiven. At least not for everything. The death, yes. Even she knew that she'd crossed terrible lines. But her anger? No, she wasn't sure that that was something that she needed forgiveness for.
He was the one who had followed Uther faithfully.
She watched as Hunith turned around to 'find' her missing son, watched as her face went from fake surprise to real surprise to utter terror. Hunith's face was easy to read, much like her son's was. Merlin's feelings had always been so easy to read, even if she hadn't always understood why he'd felt what he'd felt.
She felt her own panic increase as Hunith panicked, calling out desperately for Merlin as she began to search frantically through her home, but it was a small home and there weren't many places to hide, not even for a small three year old.
Hunith stiffened, looking down in confusion as Merlin's voice piped up in the room. "Mother, loot, I'm here! Loot!" Hunith reached down and caught something near the knee of her skirts.
"Merlin! Stop this!"
The whole house was silent, not a single member of the group speaking, each of them tense as they waited for an answer. "Sowwy, mother."
"Come back, Merlin. Come back, now."
"I'm wite here?" It was a question and Morgana felt herself gape in surprise. It was one thing for Merlin to have managed this spell wordlessly, one thing for him to have managed it at this age, but to have done it on accident? To have done it so easily that he hadn't even felt the drain? That was incredible. And a little bit terrifying.
"No, Merlin. I can't see you. I need you to come back."
"I'm wite here!" Merlin's voice, coming from what seemed like nowhere, sounded afraid.
Hunith nodded, breathing in and out a few times. "I know, Merlin, I know. I need you to concentrate for me, concentrate on letting me see you."
"Kahncentrate?"
"Think very hard about letting me see you."
There was silence for a long moment before Merlin slowly reappeared in front of his mother. Hunith breathed out in relief and pulled Merlin in for a tight hug. "You scared me, Merlin. Never do that again."
Merlin nodded, his face serious, even if he was confused. "Ne'er again." He looked incredibly solemn, far more solemn than any three year old should look. "What am I ne'er doing?"
Hunith sighed, a tired sigh that told Morgana that things like this happened far more than they should. "It's all right, Merlin. Just be careful. What have I said about magic?"
The small boy stood straight, lifting his finger to his lips in a shushing motion. "Don't let anyone know, don't let anyone see. If they don't know, then they can't hurt me." He nodded his head seriously, "Keep it a secret. Secrets keep me alive."
Hunith smiled softly, "That's right. Now, who do we tell this secret to?"
Merlin shook his head in unfeigned horror. "No one. No one ever! So I can stay living." Morgana turned her head, not wanting to see the real fear on Merlin's face. Merlin had never known a time when he didn't have to be afraid, had lived his entire life being told to never, ever tell his secret.
She hadn't forgiven him. There was too much hurt between them for that. But she could at least understand why he had never said anything.
How had he managed to stay so happy? So positive? How had his fear not stolen that from him the way her fear had stolen her joy?
They continued to watch as the two of them ate a small dinner together. Merlin had seemingly already put the small incident out of his mind, and was now playing with his food, making funny noises as he pushed it around or smashed it with his fork.
Hunith was watching him, laughter in her eyes, even as she sternly reminded him that he needed to eat his food, not play with it. "You won't become big and strong if you don't eat your food."
Merlin made a funny face at that, but obediently placed a spoonful in his mouth. "Yummy, Mother, yummy yummy!" He immediately returned to pushing his food around. Morgana felt a smile tug at her lips and heard Gwen giggle.
She looked around to see that the knights were watching with different levels of enthusiasm, Gaius looked indulgent, and Mordred looked at Merlin as though he was a fascination. She tilted her head, trying to remember how Mordred had reacted to the reveal of Merlin's magic. He hadn't said anything in defense, though that may have been because Gwen and Gwaine had had that completely in hand, but now that she thought about it, Mordred hadn't seemed even the slightest bit surprised.
Had Mordred known? She remembered the incident, years ago, when Merlin had pulled an injured Mordred into her rooms on the run from the Guards. Mordred had clung to Merlin, terrified but trusting. Who else to trust, in the middle of Camelot, but a magic user. Had Mordred always known?
She pushed the thought away as something to address at a later date, and instead turned her eyes to Arthur. Arthur had retrieved his earlier disapproval and had found a spot in the corner where he didn't have to watch the happy mother and son. She wondered what was bothering him most, the magic, or the fact that Merlin had a loving mother.
She turned away from him, long gone were the days when she felt the need to bring Arthur out of his sulks. Instead she went back to observing the others.
She had met Elyan, once when she and Morgause had used him and Gwen in order to lure Arthur into a trap, and then again, when he'd been captured in her second take over. After the initial torture she'd ignored him in favor of torturing Gwaine further. She winced at that. It was not something she was proud of, even if she knew she'd likely do it again if she found herself in the same situation.
She hated this. She hated how this experience was making her doubt herself and her choices. Everything she'd done had felt necessary, had felt justifiable, at the time. She turned from Elyan to look at Gwaine. He was watching Merlin with a grin on his face, so different from the stubborn defiance he'd shown her.
She remembered the way he'd looked when he'd stood up to Arthur, stone in hand as he defended Merlin. He wasn't afraid of her. Wasn't afraid of Arthur. Wasn't afraid of magic. But here and now she saw a little bit of fear in his eyes as he watched Merlin. It wasn't that he was afraid of Merlin, no, Morgana didn't believe that. It was that he was afraid for Merlin. She remembered when Merlin had disappeared earlier, the way Gwaine had panicked. There had been more emotion in those few moments than there had been the entire time Morgana had had him.
Is this what she was missing? People who would care if she were to disappear? Who would worry about her? Who would defend her when she couldn't defend herself?
There was no one who would care now. Morgause was dead and the rest of her relationships had long since withered and died.
There was no one who would mourn if Morgana were to leave the world.
It was a bitter understanding.
As they adjusted to the evening they all started chatting with one another, and Morgana felt the bitterness strengthen. She pulled herself further away, told herself that it was her choice and that she didn't want to have anything to do with any of them anyways.
She didn't react when Gwaine casually sprawled down near her. "So, this is awkward. What exactly do you think Ariel is trying to do, bringing you along on this little journey into the past?"
Morgana gave Gwaine her best icy glare, the one that used to quail Arthur and that kept people from underestimating her. Gwaine didn't so much as twitch, just sat there waiting for her to answer. Morgana turned away, she didn't like the way Gwaine seemed capable of seeing through her. She thought about what Ariel had said so far, how she had said that revenge wasn't the right path, how she had told Morgana that there was another way.
"Merlin once told me that there was another way." She said quietly, unwilling to let any of the others hear her. She stared at the young boy currently eating his vegetables with a resigned look on his face. "He's wrong." He was, there was no other way. "But she seems to hope that seeing this will be enough to change my mind."
Gwaine made a thoughtful sound. "Well, if Merlin said it, then I'd believe it."
"You don't know what he's done." He'd poisoned her, he'd abandoned her, he hadn't been there for her when she'd needed him.
Gwaine shrugged, "Well, obviously not, that's pretty much the point of this whole thing. But Merlin is a whole lot smarter than people give him credit for being." Morgana glared at him, but Gwaine still wasn't bothered by it. "It's not like your way has done you a whole lot of good."
She wouldn't admit that Gwaine had a point. "And Merlin's way has? You don't think he feels lonely and isolated and scared?" She shook her head, "You've never been surrounded by people who hate you, even if they don't know it."
Gwaine nodded, "Well, maybe you should have figured out a way together."
We can find another way.
Even now she remembered that he hadn't just told her that there was another way, that he hadn't claimed to even know another way. He had said that they could find a way together.
"There is no other way."
Gwaine just shrugged, "You can keep saying that, but even I can tell that you don't really believe it."
Mother and son had finished dinner and now Merlin was faithfully following his mother around, trying to help her clean up, though in reality he was being much more of a hindrance than a help, getting in Hunith's way and dropping things.
Too soon Hunith was tucking the small boy under a blanket on the small spot of floor that made up Merlin's bed. She sat down next to the boy, pulling the small ragged blanket tighter around him, before she began to speak, her voice low and soothing as she started to weave him a bedtime story.
It began the same way Morgana remembered her father's stories starting. She settled down to listen, it had been a long time since she'd ever been told a story and she missed it, but slowly her smile faded as the story took a darker twist. The hero saved the injured victims, but instead of a happily ever, he was shunned and despised. Instead of offering friendship, they offered only cruelty, leaving him alone and hurt, not even offering aid to the injuries he'd received while protecting them. Morgana felt her heart grow heavy as Hunith told a story that was too true, too real. This was not a bedtime story, and there would be no happy ending. No, Hunith was spinning a tale of sorrow and abandonment. "This is why we must keep secrets, Merlin. Because if people knew, then they would abandon us too."
The small boy nodded as he repeated the same words from earlier. "Don't let anyone know, don't let anyone see. If they don't know, then they can't hurt me. Keep it a secret. Secrets keep me alive."
Hunith smiled at the boy and leaned down to kiss his forehead, before she stood and moved to her own bed. "I love you, Merlin."
"Love you too, Mother."
Morgana turned away from the scene as Hunith blew out the candle. She was almost grateful when the world turned white.
They were in the grove where they had first appeared and they were all silent as they each took a seat on conveniently placed logs.
Gwen was the first to speak, "That's not what those stories are supposed to be like." Her voice cracked at that and Morgana felt a twinge of pity, though it was nearly overpowered by a wave of condescension. Gwen had a good heart, was sensitive to these sort of things in a way that none of the rest of them were, but she was terribly naive.
No one responded, because what was there to say?
"I have food for you, if you'd like it. And some bed rolls so you can get some rest before you continue on the path." They all turned to see Ariel standing there, a sad look in her eyes. Everyone nodded, though no one actually moved. "The food isn't poisoned, if that's what you're worried about."
Leon broke the silence, "I'd appreciate some food. Thank you." Several others murmured their agreement, though Morgana wasn't sure if she actually wanted to eat. A few moments later bowls of porridge were in front of them. Once upon a time she would have considered the food substandard, though it was far better than some of the things she'd eaten since leaving Camelot.
They ate in silence, all caught up in their own thoughts, or in Morgana's case doing her best to avoid thinking at all. "I thought you said we weren't capable of hurting each other." Morgana blinked, looking at Arthur who was staring at Ariel defiantly.
"Queen Guinevere wasn't attempting to hurt you, not really." Ariel shrugged, "Or maybe I just thought you deserved it." Morgana hid a smirk, seeing Gwen smack Arthur had been the highlight of the day. Ariel shrugged, "However, had Gwaine tried to demonstrate his point by using that stone to actually bash your head in, then the magic would have stopped him." Morgana glanced at Gwaine who just shrugged casually.
"I think we've seen enough, send us home." Ariel sent Arthur a withering look, and Morgana took a bit of her food to hide her smirk.
"You've seen nothing. You'll watch until you're done." She shrugged, "Anyways, the spell has been said, you're stuck watching until it's done."
Arthur looked about to argue but Gaius interrupted. "How is this working? These aren't anyone's memories."
Ariel looked unimpressed, "I'm a Walker of Paths, Magic is everywhere, in everything. What we're seeing are those moments that Magic considered important. It's a complex magic. The only ones who are capable of such magic are Walkers." She hesitated and tilted her head, "Though I would not be surprised if Emrys was capable of the feat."
Morgana felt a thrill of terror down her spine at hearing Emrys' name, but pushed it aside. She refused to be afraid of that old man.
Ariel stood up, shaking out her skirts. "Anyways, sleep well, in the morning you'll begin again." She began to walk away, but she turned at the last moment, "And Gwen?" Gwen looked up, surprise on her face at being personally addressed, "His story has never quite gone the way it was supposed to. He's never quite figured out happy endings." And then she was gone.
Morning came much too early in Morgana's opinion. It had taken her far too long to fall asleep, her thoughts revolving in circles. Anger and confusion and understanding chasing each other around in her brain. It would be so much easier if she didn't understand what it meant to be afraid, but she did, and it was so hard to condemn a person for the mistakes they made while afraid, not when so many of her own choices had been made in fear.
She could smell food and heard a few people start moving. Leon's voice reached her from a log near her. "Didn't get much sleep, Sire?"
"Well, I just discovered that someone I've known for ten years has magic. What do you think?" It was the tone of voice Arthur used when he wanted Morgana to leave him alone to sulk. She had always ignored it, and it seemed Leon was inclined to do the same.
"I think Gwaine may have had a point last night. I owe my life to magic, it was the Cup of Life that healed me."
"He lied to us. All of us. Ever since we've met him."
"Keep it a secret. Secrets keep me alive. Should he have trusted that he wouldn't be sent to either the pyre or the chopping block, the way so many others were?"
Arthur didn't respond and Morgana took the opportunity to pretend to waken. She pushed herself up and heard Leon finish speaking with Arthur quietly. "Just keep watching, Arthur. I have a feeling we're all going to learn more. Probably more than any of us want to learn."
Morgana found that she agreed.
When they next appeared several years had passed, a older Merlin, probably close to seven, was sitting on the branch of a tree, chattering happily.
"Mother says I can't tell a soul. Do trees have souls?" The small boy was looking at the tree with a grave expression and Morgana felt a mixture of confusion and pity that Merlin was so lonely he was turning to trees in search of companionship. "Well, even if you do have a soul, it's not like you can really tell anyone else, can you? So that makes you safe."
Safe, safe. Was there such a thing as being safe?
Gwaine and Elyan were laughing, but Morgana couldn't bring herself to so much as smile.
"Good, because I have so much to tell you. You can be my secret keeper. But don't worry, if you have secrets… can trees have secrets?" There was another pause, "Well, if you do have secrets you can tell them to me. I won't tell anyone. Not even the other trees. The earnestness in his voice caused the rest of the knights to join in the laughter.
"Do you want to hear a secret?" Merlin paused, kicking his legs back and forth as though waiting for a response. "Okay, I didn't mean to, but I may have broken one of Mother's bowls. She doesn't know it's broken though, I might have hidden the pieces, but she won't be happy when she finds out." He sighed, "And I might have also gotten mud on her bed on accident. I didn't mean to, but, well, I don't really remember why I decided to get on her bed in the first place, but it's muddy now. And when I was out in the field with the others…" Merlin fell quiet, and when he spoke again his voice was much quieter. "Do trees have friends?" Silence, "Because the other kids don't like me much. So I don't have any friends. Do you think you'd want to be my friend?"
The knights' laughter petered out at that.
"I've always wanted a friend. The other kids don't let me play with them. Say that they don't want the bastard child near them. I don't even know what that is. I don't know if I should ask mother though, she's already worried enough about me getting along with the others. Do you know a bastard child is? Does that make it so you don't want to be my friend?" Merlin gave the tree an utterly devastated look, that if the tree were a real person, would likely make them feel like a monster if they tried to reject him. "I thought so. I figured that trees were nicer than people. You let me climb you, you can't climb people." He nodded, patting the branch he was sitting on gently. "Oh! I forgot, I was telling you my secrets!" Merlin continued rambling, admitting to various misdeeds that he had committed recently, occasionally giggling in a way that meant he wasn't sorry for all of them.
Morgana raised an eyebrow as the list went on, she didn't remember being that much trouble as a child, but then, she suspected that his list was tame in comparison to what Arthur's would be at that age.
Merlin fell silent, adjusting so that he was leaning against the trunk of the tree. "I thought it would be easier." He said quietly, "To tell you. Sometimes I feel like the secret is going to explode out of me, and it scares me. I hoped that I'd be able to tell you and then the secret wouldn't need to explode, but every time I try to tell you, the words get stuck in my throat and it hurts really bad. Do you think you can forgive me? For not being able to tell you?"
Morgana felt her own throat constrict. She remembered that feeling, like her secret was lurking just at the edge of her skin, in danger of exposing her at any second. The way it had physically hurt to talk about it, the fear twisting the words in her throat like a knife.
Merlin sighed, climbing down from the tree and walking away, a dejected slump in his shoulders.
Arthur was staring at him in confusion. "It's a tree. He can't even tell a tree?" It wasn't anger, and Morgana turned her head. Arthur couldn't understand what a secret like that was like. Couldn't understand what silence meant, and what revealing yourself could cost.
"It's a little disturbing." Gwaine said quietly, "Not Merlin. He's not disturbing. It's just, seven year olds should have that innate distrust. Fear like that isn't natural."
Morgana's head jerked up, "But it is necessary." She knew her words came out bitingly, "This may not be Camelot, but Uther's fear and hatred spread like a plague. Camelot may be the worst, and this close to Camelot would be equally dangerous. His silence isn't some over-exaggerated fear response, his silence is keeping him safe. Keeping him alive."
"You've been fine outside of Camelot." Arthur told her, bitterly.
Morgana didn't think about the time stuck in the well with Aithusa. "Because I've proven that I'm dangerous. They already feared me, hated me, the same way they fear all magic users, even those that have never given them any cause. I just made sure that they feared me enough to stay away. If it came down to my death or theirs, I made sure they knew that they wouldn't be the ones to come out of that engagement alive." Arthur blinked as though he had never considered that she had weaponized herself in order to protect herself. It wasn't the only reason she'd made the decisions she had, but it had played a part. "But he is a child, that isn't an option for him. His only option is silence."
Arthur took a step back, his face troubled. Before Morgana could further drive the point home the world turned white and they landed in Merlin's small home. Merlin was busy sweeping the floor as Hunith was kneading dough to make bread. He would pause every now and then and turn to Hunith, opening his mouth before closing it again and returning to sweeping.
Hunith was watching him, her eyes concerned, but said nothing, letting Merlin take his time.
Finally after Merlin had swept the floor twice he turned to Hunith, a frown on his face. "Old Man Simmons told me what a bastard was." Hunith's eyes widened in shock, before they narrowed dangerously. Morgana would have felt bad for Old Man Simmons if she didn't think the man probably deserved whatever he got. "He also said that my father left because he didn't want anything to do with me. That you didn't want me either, but you couldn't get rid of me."
Hunith's voice was sharp when she responded, "That's a lie, and you know it."
Merlin glanced up, tears in his eyes, "Then were is Father?"
Hunith paused, her eyes softening. "Your Father was a good man, but he was betrayed by someone he thought was noble enough to be trustworthy. He had a story much like the ones I've told you. He left to protect us from those who would hurt him. It breaks my heart to speak of him, I loved him very much, you know."
Merlin looked at her, his eyes grave. "I know that I'm…" he hesitated, "That I was born wrong. That I make your life difficult."
Hunith left her dough behind, moving towards Merlin. She knelt in front of him, her hands coming up to his face, they both ignored the way the dough stuck to his cheek. "You weren't born wrong. I know it's difficult, being different, having to keep everything a secret. But that doesn't mean it's wrong. I am thankful every day that I have you."
Merlin nodded, ducking his head and hugging his mother tightly. He turned back to his broom, going over the floor for a third time. Hunith stood, dashing away a tear from her eye as she moved back to her dough. "All right, Mother." He paused, but then adopted an innocent look. "I didn't like Old Man Simmons anyways." His Mother laughed and Merlin gave her an innocent smile. "I don't know how it happened, but he might have tripped in some mud though."
Hunith laughed harder, shaking her head fondly. "Oh Merlin, what ever will I do with you?"
"Give me food?"
Hunith's laughter followed them into the white.
AN: Hey people! If you are reading this, I'm glad you're still around. I can't tell you how much I've appreciated the fact that people still want to see this continued.
I do have a request of you, though. If I take a path (pun) in this story that you don't like. PLEASE don't put in reviews telling me how disappointed you are. I can't make everyone happy, and I'm genuinely sorry you are disappointed. But I'm not going to change my mind and write a different story to make you happy. All that happens is the next time I try to post a chapter I give myself a panic attack and then decide to not post the chapter and it takes me over a month to actually post an already finished chapter.
I apologize if this makes me sound overly sensitive. But... well, I'm very rejection sensitive. I do this for fun, please, please, I have very few aspects of my life that don't give me major anxiety, please don't make this one of those things.
Again, thank you for reading my chapters, and for giving me encouragement. I love the majority of comments I get.
You people really are awesome. I genuinely and sincerely hope you DID enjoy the chapter and that you'll enjoy the chapters to come.