A/N: This is my first VLD fanfic so please be nice!

Updates will probably be pretty irregular, but I'll try to post at least once a month. No promises, though.

Bright flashes of blue and purple were everywhere, a wave of heat accompanying each one. She leaned forward and pushed a series of buttons, a jawblade suddenly appearing in her lion's mouth as a beam fired to her right.

"No!" she screamed as the yellow lion was vaporized.

She froze, her eyes wide and unfocused as the battle raged on around her. Her hands trembled, and she couldn't think as another ship was preparing its charge.

Something next to her hit her, pushing her lion out of the way. She looked up, out of her daze, to see the red lion disappear.

She bit her lip, tears forming in the corners of her eyes, and stared in front of her. She couldn't do anything else.

Come on, you need to keep going, she thought, but her arms wouldn't move as the black and blue lions were hit beside to her.

She saw the beam in front of her, and closed her eyes…

"Hey, Pidge. You okay?"

Someone shook her gently, and she rolled over. The pillow beneath her was damp, her eyes watering slightly.

"I'm… I'm fine."

She wiped her eyes, and made out the shapes of Allura, Lance, Hunk, and Keith standing next to her bed.

Allura looked concerned, and laid a hand on her shoulder.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

Pidge shook her head and threw the covers off, sitting upright and squinting at the sudden onslaught of brightness. She plucked her glasses off of the side table and put them on.

"Well," Lance said, seeming unconvinced, "anyway, we were going to show Allura around, maybe see some non-destroyed landmarks and stuff. You in?"

She nodded slowly, and stood, running her fingers through her messy hair.

They left her room, and she got ready to leave, filling her backpack with sunscreen and allergy meds. Pidge hesitated, and then took her bayard out of her backpack, holding it before placing it carefully on the side table.

It fit her hand perfectly, and even when she didn't hold it she could still feel the shape of its handle, and the warmth of it. She could feel the gentle humming of Altean magic through it, and the sharp crack of electricity as it struck its target.

Pidge shook her head, trying not to think about it.

Lance's siblings were tugging on his leg, pouting that they couldn't go with him.

"Tell us more stories! Please?"

"Will you show us your lion?"

"Can we come with you?"

Pidge stood to the side with the others, watching in mild amusement. She had never been much of a fan of little kids, but Lance's family had a strange sort of charm about them.

"Excuse me?"

She looked down to see a little girl, looking about seven, staring up at her.

"Y-yeah?"

"You're Pidge, right? Did you help Uncle Lance get the bad guys?"

She froze, images of bright blue and purple beams flashing through her head. Galra ships were being vaporized by her lion's beams, and she could almost hear the screams of all of the soldiers dying on each one.

The girl's face was so earnest, though, and her eyes were so wide, that she couldn't break down. Not here, not now, not in front of her. She believed in Pidge, that she was a savior. Who was she to tell her otherwise? Heck, all of Earth probably thought the same.

Pidge mustered a slight smile, and nodded as it quavered slightly, crouching so that she was at eye level with the girl.

"Yeah."

She grinned, twirling her dress from side to side.

"I wanna be like you and help people!"

Pidge closed her eyes briefly, opening them as she smiled, unsure of what to say to that. How could she tell her that no, she didn't want to be like her, a killer? How could she tell her that she had nightmares every time she slept, that in her ears echoed the screams of millions of Galrans, living, thinking, feeling beings like her? She killed every one of them.

There was no reason for her to want that.

Lance had freed himself from his siblings at this point and walked over to Pidge, ruffling the girl's hair.

"Hey, Emma. What'cha doing?"

She looked at him solemnly, speaking with a grave tone that was unusual to hear from a seven-year-old.

"I'm talking to Pidge."

She pointed at Pidge, and she stood suddenly, turning a bit pink. She hadn't really expected for Emma to have known her name, but it made sense that she would know it. Lance had probably talked about the rest of them to his family, and she had no idea what they would have overheard while they were gone.

Lance looked at her with an expression of pure amusement, and then he picked Emma up in a piggyback position, bouncing her as she giggled.

Pidge shrunk back into the wall, a haunted look coming over her eyes. She could feel their eyes on her, their hesitation as they tried to decide whether or not to talk to her about it.

"So… there's that really old fountain nobody can ever remember the name of," Lance said, pointing to the center of an untouched park. Allura nodded, drinking in everything. She had seen most of it from the air already, but nearly all of their time had been spent at the Garrison, and she hadn't seen this area yet.

Pidge recognized the fountain, but just barely. She had only been here a few times, when she was little. In the other side of the park was a small playground, which she and Matt used to go to.

They spread out around the park, reminiscing and answering Allura's questions. Pidge found herself near the swing set, and she sighed, running her hands down the chain of her favorite one. She sat down and kicked her feet up, gaining height quickly.

It was in surprisingly good condition, considering that it hadn't really been tended to for… a few years, at least.

Pidge closed her eyes, enjoying the feel of the wind.

She wasn't sure how exactly, but she could tell that Keith was coming over and sitting in the swing next to her.

"I know you're not okay, no matter what you said earlier. If you want, you can… I dunno. Talk, I guess. If that makes you feel better."

She stifled a small giggle at his awkwardness and sighed, opening her eyes and dragging her feet on the ground to stop the swing.

"Okay."

Keith stayed silent, waiting for her to speak again.

"I know we're the 'Defenders of the Universe' or whatever," she said, making air quotes, "but that… that doesn't feel like an excuse for what I- what we've done."

Her eyes started watering, but she kept talking, hugging a knee to her chest.

"Every time we've fired a beam, hit a ship, done anything in a fight… that's hundreds of lives lost. Millions over the years we've been out there. It's our fault they won't go home again, won't even know how the war ends. I don't care if they were evil- they were still people, with families and feelings."

Pidge sobbed silently, wiping her eyes on her shirt sleeve and shaking. It felt weird saying it out loud, almost like it wasn't actually a valid reason to feel guilty. They were protecting the innocent, and if that meant mass murder, so be it. That was basically their job at the end of the day, and she felt like a horrible person for hating it.

"I know. I don't feel any better about it. Sometimes I think that I can see my mom in those ships, or one of you guys, but it's not your fault. None of this is." Keith said, wrapping her in an awkward hug.

Lance, Hunk, and Allura came over and joined in the group hug, kneeling on the grass together. Somehow they didn't need to ask to know what was wrong, so they were silent, just holding each other.

Pidge could breathe easier, knowing that they didn't hate her for feeling like this. She knew it was silly- when had they been anything less than comforting and understanding?

She probably should have expected that Keith would understand- he was probably related to at least one Galran who they had fought in some way or another. Hunk was just too nice to everyone to not get it, and Lance… was Lance.

Allura wasn't pointing fingers at her, and she knew that while she might have not felt as bad about it, she had gotten better with her prejudice against the Galra, and she could be reasonable about it most of the time.

Pidge relaxed, her breathing evening. Eventually they stood, and she wiped her eyes, feeling a bit better. There were marks on her knees where the grass had pressed into her skin, and there was an odd crater shape in the damp grass where they had sat.

They continued showing the area to Allura, not needing to say anything else, but the silence was more companionable then awkward, which she appreciated. She didn't feel like talking.

Pidge placed the purple flowers down, sighing with relief that she could put those feelings away. She'd tried to carve words into a large rock she had found in the cave where they had found the Blue Lion, but it had come out rather sloppily, even with Keith helping.

She stood for a moment, gazing at her work and the surrounding desert. Then, without a word, she turned on her heel and walked away, not looking back.

For the fallen

There wasn't much Pidge could say about it. If anyone asked her why, she wouldn't be able to tell them. Even her father and Matt wouldn't be able to understand- not really, and nobody on Earth would be able to. They had never gone to war, or seen the life fade from someone's eyes, and definitely not because of them.

They were sheltered from the horrors she'd seen, but maybe now she could put those demons to rest. She didn't need them anymore.