Disclaimer: Harry Potter is owned by JK Rowling.

A/N: Written for Drizzle Fest 2018. Many thanks to the mods of the fest for their hard work!

Bob's Horrific Tale

The wind had picked up, causing the line of palm trees that hugged the beach to curve at an awkward angle, their leaves flipped on one side like a bad toupee. Fat raindrops splattered against his feathers, and flashes of light ignited the granite sky.

Under normal circumstances, Bob would never have braved such weather—but the wind had kicked up the waves, and the waves had washed two creatures into the strip of beach he claimed as his territory.

They crawled in from the sea. At first, Bob thought they were seals, though he had never seen them this far south of their cooler domains. As Bob zoomed over the trespassers, their features became clearer: long fingers that dug into the wet sand, legs that propelled them away from the crashing surfs, and mouths that formed words loud enough to be carried in the strong gale.

"Bloody fuck!" cried the one with dark hair matted on its face.

The other one gasped and sputtered. "Granger?" It struggled as it coughed water out of its mouth.

"Bloody fucking shit!" its companion yelled. It pulled itself to its knees, its eyes frantic as it scanned the beach. "Malfoy!" It scurried over to the prone form on the water's edge. "Malfoy, you bloody git! I told you not to go out on the water! Bloody thick—all your fault—"

The one with the deeper voice turned over and sat up, glaring down at the smaller creature. "How the hell is this—" 'Malfoy' flailed its arms out to the violent waves, "—my fault?!"

"You should have listened to me when I said not to sail today!" It—'Granger'—pushed a finger into Malfoy's shoulder. "But, no, you just had to show off your bloody new yacht because you wanted everyone to look at you—"

"Of course not, you daft witch!" Malfoy growled. "I did it to get away from you and Weasley! I didn't care if I got lost at sea—it's better than having to watch Weasley pawing you in public—bloody nauseating—"

"What the hell are you talking about?!"

Malfoy punched the wet ground, spraying them both with sand. "Weasley had his bloody hands all over you—" It pointed at Granger's neck, where a pair of red strings peeked out of the soaked collar.

Granger's hand flew to its nape, where the strings were tied in a secure knot. With its other hand, it slapped Malfoy's arm, producing a wet splat. "Idiot! He was just fixing the strings for me—the knot was coming undone!" Its brown eyes narrowed at its sulking companion. "Anyway, why do you care what Ron was doing—"

"I don't," Malfoy spat. "I just didn't want to throw up my lunch—" A wave toppled them over. "Bloody hell!" Malfoy gurgled as water rushed over his face. "Can we please table this discussion until later?!"

"Fine! Let's go!" Granger snarled. It shot up to its feet and grabbed Malfoy's forearms, dragging the creature on its back across the sand.

"Granger!" Malfoy shrieked.

Bob shook his head, veering into a clump of trees to get away from Malfoy's piercing squawk. He aimed for an outcropping just inside the shelter of trees, spreading his wings to slow his descent before landing on the slippery moss.

Moments later, Granger stomped through, a cantankerous Malfoy close behind.

"You didn't need to tow me behind you," Malfoy huffed. It brushed the sand off its shoulders—a vain attempt, as its entire body was coated with fine grains. "I'm not your bloody school trunk."

"You weren't moving fast enough," Granger snapped. "Anyway, those waves weren't getting any less dangerous. Or would you rather I had just left you to be washed out to sea?"

"If it bloody saves me from your nagging…" Malfoy muttered.

Granger pivoted on its heels to glower at Malfoy. "Trust me, I'm regretting my decision with every second!" With a ferocious expression, it accosted the taller creature—Bob was impressed at Granger's audacity to stare down a beast that was clearly much bigger and therefore likely to overpower it at any point. "If you're weren't so thick as to take your boat out during a bloody hurricane, we wouldn't be in this mess!"

"I didn't ask you to get on my boat!" Malfoy sneered. "In fact, I believe my exact words were, 'Get the fuck off my yacht.'" It lowered its face until the tip of its nose brushed Granger's. "Why the hell did you come with me, anyway?"

"To make sure you didn't get yourself killed, you blithering idiot!" Granger lifted its chin higher. The movement brought its lips closer to Malfoy's face.

Malfoy's gaze landed heavily on Granger's bottom lip—Bob recognized the predacious glint in its eyes, and he had to tamper down the instinct to fly out harm's way.

Granger must have sensed danger, as well, for it backed away, nearly stumbling on the wet leaves as it put a cushion of space between them. It raised its eyes up at the angry sky. "We—erm—we better find shelter. The island's not in the hurricane's direct path, but we're still going to get heavy rain and winds."

Malfoy stared as the smaller creature turned around and hastened further into the cluster of palm trees and dense bushes. Malfoy blinked; without another word, it followed Granger's trail.

Bob hopped off his perch. As he fluffed his white feathers, he wondered if he should follow the intruders. On one wing, he should really find somewhere to hide as the storm passes. On the other wing, he was intrigued by the way Malfoy gazed at Granger's retreating form—like it longed to devour the lithe creature.

There was sure to be carnage—and Bob hankered for a juicy story to tell his flock.

Not wanting to miss a single moment of this mid-storm entertainment, Bob waddled after Malfoy.

He needn't have worried about missing any action—for a long time, the creatures' actions nearly put him to sleep. Neither yelled nor snapped nor wrestled the other on the ground.

How disappointing.

Instead, Granger and Malfoy collected broad leaves that had been knocked down by the wind. They leaned their assemblage against a boulder as a shelter against the wind.

"—wish I hadn't left my wand in my suite," Granger said. Bob strained his ears to catch its words as the storm whistled and howled through the trees. Granger turned to Malfoy, worry etched on its soft features. "Do you think we're very far from the resort? We're—" Its eyes widened. "You don't think we're on a different island, do you?"

Malfoy shook its head. "We weren't on the water for very long. The resort's probably just on the other side of the island—we could try and walk there—"

"No," Granger said. "We have no idea what the terrain is between here and the resort. It's better to wait out the storm and find our bearings after it passes."

"Right," Malfoy mumbled, a pronounced frown on its lips as it bent over to gather more supplies.

Once again, they fell into an uncomfortable silence. They moved away from each other as they garnered more leaves and sticks for their nest.

Bob flapped his wings in irritation—these two were such bores! Were they really going to ignore each other for the rest of the evening?

As Malfoy walked near a collection of coconut trees, Bob squawked with glee. Perhaps Malfoy just needed a little push to get riled up.

With a bit of effort, he flew against the gale, reaching a heavy cluster of coconuts just as Malfoy ambled beneath. His flapping wings caught Malfoy's attention, for it looked up, its silver eyes zoning in on Bob's beady ones.

With a nudge of his wing, Bob dislodged a coconut…

…which, with a hollow thud, landed squarely on Malfoy's forehead. It was quickly followed by a thump as Malfoy flopped on the ground, unconscious.

Granger ran towards the heap, yelling out, "Malfoy!"

Bob ducked behind a large leaf.

Granger's knees slammed on the ground beside its fallen companion, brushing its fingertips along Malfoy's cheekbones. "Malfoy! Wake up!"

With its eyes still closed, Malfoy groaned. It turned its face toward Granger's touch, pressing its cheek on the dainty palm. Its eyes fluttered open.

Malfoy gazed into Granger's face, a dopey smile forming on its lips. It nuzzled Granger's wrist.

Bob leaned forward to glimpse Granger's face, which was hidden from his vantage point.

"Are—are you okay?" Granger asked, its voice halting and unsteady.

Malfoy propped itself up on its elbows, parting its lips as it brought its face towards Granger's.

Bob eagerly poked his head out from behind his hiding place. This was it—Granger's impending slaughter.

"Granger," Malfoy said in a guttural tone.

"Yes?" Granger murmured, bending towards Malfoy as if being pulled by a rope.

"Granger, I think—" Malfoy's gaze shifted, finding Bob amongst the leaves. "I think that seagull just tried to kill me!"

Granger's shoulders slumped. "You're fine," it pronounced flatly. It got up to its feet and trudged away.

"Granger—wait—" Malfoy scrambled up, swaying and lurching as it clutched its head and stumbled after its companion.

Bob was going out of his mind with boredom.

The rain fell in dense sheets. He sought shelter under a leafy bush facing Malfoy and Granger's nest, where they huddled under a makeshift roof made of leaves and branches.

Malfoy sat like a statue, glaring at the ground, as Granger crouched beside him. Even through the rain, Bob noticed the trembles that wracked Granger's body.

Malfoy sighed; then it wrapped an arm around Granger's slender shoulders.

The smaller creature froze.

"Is this—" Malfoy cleared its throat. "Is this all right?" it asked.

Granger nodded.

Bob lolled his head. With a squawk, he cursed the weather, which effectively trapped him in this tedious tableau.

Where was the bloodbath? He was so sure that Malfoy was going to—

Malfoy's hand slowly raised to Granger's face. It traced down the column of Granger's fragile neck, skimming the patch of flesh where Granger's pulse bounded.

Bob perked up. Surely, if Malfoy was surveying Granger's most vulnerable parts, that meant it was about to attack?

Malfoy leaned down, its lips parted.

As if anticipating Malfoy's action, Granger attacked first, crashing its lips against Malfoy's. The momentum toppled Malfoy back, nearly knocking down their little roof.

Once again, Bob was amazed by Granger's fierceness. Its powerful hind legs straddled Malfoy's hips, its fingers clawing at the larger beast's clothing. This must have spurred

Malfoy on, as it released a low growl and flipped their positions.

Malfoy hunched over, its eyes dark and hungry as it took in the sight of Granger writhing underneath it.

With bated breath, Bob eagerly waited for the kill.

Malfoy lunged, pressing its mouth against Granger's neck. Granger cried out.

But not in pain.

No.

No, no.

Bob was a simple bird, but he could tell the difference between a cry of agony and a howl of—

Pleasure. Bob reeled back as this realization was punctuated by Granger's carnal moan.

These animals weren't about to kill each other! They were—they were—

Mating.

With an indignant squawk, Bob flew out of his hiding place, defying the wind, the rain, the lightning—whatever the hurricane threw in his way, it mattered not. He needed to escape.

There was no way he was sticking around for this nonsense.

By next morning, the rain had calmed down to scattered showers. The gale had tempered into a gentle, sporadic breeze.

Bob was perched on the low walls of the 'resort,' which penned wingless creatures as they lounged and chattered about the hurricane.

He was surrounded by members of his flock, and he regaled them of the previous day's encounter with two of these creatures, which had taken a horrific turn.

As he got to the point in his tale where Granger pounced on Malfoy, the two culprits exited the line of trees, their arms wrapped around each other.

'There they are!' Bob squawked.

'Where?! Where?! Where?!' was his flock's dissonant shriek.

Bob directed his beak at the sated couple. His eyes locked onto Malfoy's.

Malfoy froze mid-step.

"Something wrong?" asked Granger, peering at its…mate.

"Hermione," Malfoy whispered, pointing a finger at Bob. "I think that's the seagull that tried to murder me yesterday."

Granger faced its companion, cradling Malfoy's head. With its thumbs, it lifted Malfoy's eyelids.

"Erm—what are you doing?" Malfoy asked.

"I think I need to take you to a healer," Granger said as it examined Malfoy's eyes. "That coconut really did a number on you."

Granger grabbed the crook of Malfoy's arm and dragged it through the resort's gate.

Malfoy turned its head, glaring at Bob over its shoulder.

Bob met its gaze with his own hardened scowl. 'Filthy animal!' he screeched at the beast before he flapped his wings and flew away from the resort.

A/N: Thank you for reading! Reviews are appreciated.

Thanks to anidot90 for the fun prompt!

H5 Prompt: Of course Hermione is stuck on an island resort with Draco Malfoy! Damn you hurricanes!