Omake: For want of a fart

Gods, what a shitty way to die...

Tyrion closed his eyes and prepared himself for when his body would finally hit the rocks. He emptied his head and tried to think of something happy, then he relaxed himself.

Perhaps he did a little too much of that, for just a few seconds later, he heard a strange noise. It sounded like a crack of tunder, and it came right from behind his back.

PROOOOOOTTTTTTTTTTTT

He had just farted! Tyrion couldn't believe that such an horrendous noise could come from his behind. And the smell...gods, the smell was even worse. What in seven hells had he eaten to produce something like this?

It was then that he realized something else. He wasn't falling anymore. Instead, he was somehow floating in mid-air.

PROOOOOOTTTTTTTTTTTT

There was another flatulence. Tyrion's body moved forward, until he arrived just to the point he had fallen from earlier. A smile formed on his face as he understood what had just happened.

He could fly with his farts!

Tyrion forced his rear to produce another fart. If he could fly like that, then he could leave that accursed place and fly away to safety!

The fart came, as loud as the first one and even more powerful. Tyrion found himself flying at the speed of light beyond the borders of the Vale. He also found himself pinching his nose in disgust. The smell was even worse, this time!

So worse, in fact, that in just a few moments it spread to the entirety of Westeros. It was so nauseous that all the soldiers marching toward the Riverlands covered their noses in disgust and ran back home as if they had the Stranger himself at their backs. It also had the side effect of causing a mass death among the Others and their undead slaves. When Tyrion finally ended his journey, landing at Casterly Rock, he found thousands and thousands of people from all over the Seven Kingdoms singing his praise and thanking him for saving them. Such was their gratitude, that he was promptly made High King of Westeros, with Daenerys Targaryen, Margaery Tyrell and Sansa Stark fighting for the privilege of being his queen. Euron Greyjoy recognized Tyrion's superiority and killed himself, while Lord Tywin apologized for all the years of mistreatments and abuses. Tyrion had him bound to a chair and forced to listen to a reading of the entire 50 Shades series.

Tyrion watched all this from the Iron Throne and smiled, drinking cup after cup of wine. He couldn't be happier. He had gone from being a hated and mocked dwarf, to being the monarch of Westeros.

And it had all happened for want of a fart.