Death is not the end - Chapter 2

"Get in".

Lena's voice rings out in the dark, killing the hope Alex had been harboring that the C.E.O had finally fallen asleep, and she stills her surreptitious attempts to warm her chilled feet immediately.

"It's fine. Go back to sleep".

There is a ruffle as Lena moves within the sleeping bag, and then the unmistakable sound of a zipper being pulled sounds in the small space.

"Alexandra Danvers, I will not lay quietly by while you get frostbite out of some far reaching sense of chivalry, when this sleeping bag is perfectly adequate to hold the both of us". Lena's voice is low and stern, but still has warmth to it. "It was very noble of you to offer me your bed, your gallantry is noted and appreciated, but there is no sense in you getting sick when the answer is as simple us sharing a bed for the night".

"I...I just..."

Sharing a tent with Lena has been a stressful enough event on Alex already as, soon after her revelatory moment about her feelings for the young business women earlier, she'd realized that Lena intended to sleep in just her underwear.

"I didn't bring pajamas and I'm certainly not sleeping in an under-wired bra" had been the reply to Alex's panicked "What in the heck are you doing?!" cry when, after offering her the sleeping bag and turning away to prep an area of the floor to sleep on, Alex had turned back to find Lena already half naked and in the process of unhooking herself.

"Is the cold floor honestly more preferable than sharing a sleeping bag with me?"

There is a hint of something in Lena's voice that sounds suspiciously like self doubt, as if she could honestly believe Alex would rather be shivering half to death on the floor than pressed up against her gorgeously naked body, and it makes Alex frown in wonder at the cause.

"I just didn't want to make you feel uncomfortable. What with you being...unclothed, and my...sexual orientation..." Alex can feel herself going bright red as she stutters out her explanation, and is grateful for the absolute darkness hiding her.

"Do you plan to have sex with me without my consent? Or touch me inappropriately while I sleep?"

"WHAT?"

If Alex had been sitting on a bed, she would have just fallen out of it.

"NO! Of course not! I would never do that Lena, you know I wouldn't!"

"And I believe you, so there is absolutely no reason not get into bed with me this instant".

With no argument left, Alex reluctantly has to concede that Lena is right, so shuffles her way over to her on hands and feet.

"Take your top and pants off".

"What now?"

"Your circulation has been compromised by the cold, leaving your core temperature dangerously low-" a warm hand sneaks out of the dark to wrap around Alex's forearm, confirming how cold her body is "-I could hear your teeth chattering for at least an hour, despite your protestations that you were fine. We need to warm you up quickly, and transference of human body heat works best with direct skin to skin contact".

"You want me to get into there with you, naked?"

Alex feel faint at the prospect.

"You can leave your panties on, but everything else should be removed if we are to get you warmed up properly".

Lena knows what she is proposing is going to be tortuous for herself, but she just can't stand the thought of Alex spending one more second shivering in the cold because of her.

"Once you are warm you can put your clothes back on if you prefer, but right now you are in danger of getting hypothermia so please, do as I say?"

Alex hears the genuine note of concern in Lena's voice, concern for her welfare, so nods her acquiescence. "Okay".

The soft sound of clothes being shed fills the air, and Lena's mouth goes dry as her mind suddenly takes flight. She knows that Alex works out a lot, and her tactical outfits hug her body in a way that make it plain that she is in exceptional shape, so it isn't difficult for her overheated imagination to conjure up images of Alex pulling her T shirt over her head to reveal a taut torso, and slipping her pants down smooth strong thighs.

When Alex announces that she is ready, Lena has to swallow several times to try and get some moisture back into her mouth before she can answer. "I think it would work best if we put your back to my front".

Alex isn't sure of that at all, but mutters under her breath "You're the boss" as she awkwardly slips into the sleeping bag.

The sleeping bag is roomy for one, but snug for the pair, and their bodies are well and truly pressed together once the zipper is done up. They lay on their sides, completely still for a few seconds, each lost in their own internal freakouts at having to be so intimate with the other; but the moment is broken when a violent shiver runs through Alex's body and Lena instinctively wraps her arms around her in response. She curls around Alex like it is the most natural thing in the world, her right arm wrapping around her waist and resting just below her breasts, while her left sneaks underneath her body to encircle her in a hug. Lena's body presses against the length of Alex's back, trying to connect as much as possible to ensure Alex warms as fast as she can, and hooks her right leg over Alex's hip so her thigh and leg is covered too.

The move takes Alex by complete surprise; not only because can she feel Lena's hard nipples pressing against her back and her warm breath on the nape of her neck, but because she is so unused to being the vulnerable one in most situations.

When she had first came out, Maggie had been the more experienced person in their relationship and she'd had to concede a lot of the power in their dynamic simply because she'd no idea what to expect, which hadn't been easy a lot of the time.

But letting someone care for her like this, see her this broken, is a completely different kind of vulnerability altogether.

If someone had told Alex six months ago that Lena Luthor would be the one to hold her in her darkest moments, Alex would have laughed them out the room, or tasered them. Yet in this moment, she could think of no one else that could come close to matching even a tenth of the genuine compassion and caring she has seen Lena show towards her recently.

The thought astounds Alex, yet comforts her too, which makes it possible for her to sink into the warm embrace holding her secure and she is able to fall asleep within minutes.

Lena feels it as Alex drifts off, the subtle change in her breathing as it shifts into a slow and even rhythm, and she smiles softly against the soft skin of Alex's shoulder as peace claims the troubled woman.

It takes Lena a lot longer to fall asleep, as she is so enthralled by Alex that her mind is on overdrive despite her attempts to switch it off. Without moving she can tell that the shoulder bones under her chin are more pronounced than they should be; that even though Alex is taking better care of herself than she had been in the first few weeks after Kara's death, she is still not back to full health, probably because she is still drinking more than she should. She can also feel the raised ridge of a healed scar beneath her fingertips where they rest on the left side of Alex's ribcage, and Lena can't stop herself from moving her index finger a millimeter each way, rubbing back and forth over it, infinitesimally, as she ponders which heroic deed Alex was doing when she received it.

After Lena had found out the truth about the DEO, and Alex's role in it, Kara had been more honest with her about all the times Alex had helped Supergirl save National City.

Lena had spent many evenings listening to Kara enthuse about her incredibly brave big sister, who was always leaping into harms way without a thought to herself in order to take down the bad guys, despite having none of the powers that Supergirl had to protect herself.

Here in the darkness, Lena felt it was safe to admit that she'd always had a bit of a crush on Alex. Impossible not to really, given that the very first time she'd met her was when Alex had saved her life, and it had only grown the more she'd learned about her. Brave, smart, kind, loyal, humble... she was everything Lena had ever yearned for, but also totally out of reach, or so she'd thought.

When Kara had told her about Alex coming out to her, Lena had nearly choked on her wine, spluttering like a schoolboy taking his first sip of scotch, and causing a few curious looks from their fellow diners.

Her less than graceful reaction to the news had given Kara a moments pause, as she had then asked Lena if she was okay with gay people, prompting Lena to immediately sponsor that years LGBT+ Pride Parade in National City (with Alex and Maggie lead VIPs on L-Corps entry) as a way of reassuring her best friend that she was indeed supportive of the queer community; as well as forcing Lena to re-evaluate her own honesty about her sexuality.

Lena already knew she was attracted to women. She had been all her life. She had just never acted upon it.

Growing up as a Luthor, she had been made aware of the lifestyle she was expected to lead from a very early age, and being gay most definitely didn't fit into that lifestyle.

She remembers overhearing a conversation, or rather an argument, between her mother and Lex, one evening when he'd once again been trying to convince her about Superman.

"Oh for Gods sake, Alexander!"

Lillian's voice drips with loathing, the belittling tone she has honed to perfection making the normally confident man flinch under it. "The staff are going to start thinking you are hot under the collar for this Kent boy if you keep harping on after him this way, and you know I won't allow you to besmirch the Luthor name in such a disgusting manner".

"Mother, if you'd just look..."

"I AM looking". Eyes as hard as icebergs cut through her son, pinning him in place. "I love you dearly Lex, and you are the only hope to carry on the Luthor name in the manner befitting our standing, yet the obsession you have developed with this Clark Kent seems to be one borne out of lust rather than logic".

"Look at his eyes, his lips...!"

"This pathetic attempt of your to convince me of your reasoning sounds exactly like your Father when he was trying to justify his affair with that little trollop". Lena flinches behind the door, the venom in Lillian's voice so sharp as she talks that she can practically feel it sink into her flesh. "You even sound like him when he was begging me to to take the little bastard into my home because her bitch of a mother decided to roll over and die".

"Clark IS Superman, I know it. If I can just get my hands on him..."

"You will not put your hands anywhere near that man!" The sound of a hard slap echoes through the room, and a bitter silence holds until Lillian's authoritative voice resumes. "The Luthor's are held in high regard, so this...perversion, will not stand. It needs to be dealt with quickly, and quietly before it gets any worse. I know of a clinic that has a good reputation, high clearance rates for its conversions of people with tendencies like yourself. We'll get you booked in straight away".

Lex had been gone for three months, shipped off to a private gay conversion institution, and when he had returned he had been very different. Quieter, more insular, but had stopped mentioning Clark or Superman so at first Lillian had been convinced he was cured and had relaxed. By the time she had realized he hadn't stopped, and had in fact gone over the edge with it, it had been too late to stop him, and instead of blaming herself for her part in his fall, she'd blamed Superman instead.

The experience had taught Lena to bury her own homosexual leanings, not daring to risk her mother shipping her off to a facility too, and she had become so used to dating men, whom she never had to worry about risking her heart with because she could never feel that deeply for, that it wasn't until now, and her attraction to Alex, that she'd had to reflect upon her life choices.

"Dammit Danvers, what are you doing to me?"

The whispered question floats out into the darkness as Lena lowers her forehead to rest upon the top of Alex's spine, finally allowing herself to succumb to the warmth of Alex's body and drift off to sleep.

Light filters into the tent gently, mottled by the leaves on the trees overhead, rousing Alex slowly from her sleep.

She groans at the intrusion and flexes her arm with the intention of moving it to cover her eyes, but then finds her eyes pinging open in shock at the discovery that it is pinned beneath a warm body.

"Oh jeez..."

Alex finds herself short of breath, for at some point in the night, the duo have managed to find enough room within the sleeping bag to shift so that Alex is now laying with her back against the floor, and Lena is practically sleeping on top of her.

Lena's right leg is now draped across Alex's body, her knee resting against Alex's left hip, and her head is nestled into Alex's right shoulder. Alex could cope with most of that, but the fact that Lena's hand is currently resting atop her right breast is an image she doesn't quite know how to deal with, and has her quietly panicking as tendrils of desire start to creep through her body.

Even in her sleepy state Lena feels the body beneath her go rigid, and it draws her into consciousness enough for her to register the new position she and Alex are in. Blinking a few times to clear the sleep from her eyes she looks up at the woman above her and gives her a small, drowsy smile. "Morning".

""Umm, yeah".

Lena frowns as she notes the strange look on Alex's face and sits up slightly, unconsciously leaning on her right hand for leverage as she does. "What's wrong?"

Alex's face goes from slightly pained to totally freaked out as Lena's fingers accidentally caress her nipple, which send fireworks of pleasure straight to places she should absolutely not be feeling while this unclothed and pressed against Lena, and she can't help squeaking out "Hand, Lena. Hand!" while scrabbling to disengage herself from their connection.

Lena looks down at her hand and flushes red the instant she sees what shes done, feeling the guilt that shes done the very thing she asked Alex if she was going to do to her last night, and she rips her hand away like she been burned. She finds the zip and is out of the bag a second later, coming to a stop with her knees on the hard ground as she faces away from the flustered Agent.

"I...I'm so sorry, Alex". Lena wraps her arms around her waist, the disgust and self loathing she has to fight on a daily basis to keep at bay once again crowding in. "I honestly didn't know that my hand was there, but I understand that that sounds like a lame excuse any creep would use in this situation. I will leave now".

To prove her words true Lena reaches for her shorts and quickly slips her legs into the denim, hiking them up and securing them around her waist before reaching for her bra.

"Wait!"

Hand frozen, Lena stops at the sound of Alex's voice.

"I know you're not a creep".

Lena pulls her hand back into her lap, lacing her fingers together nervously. "That's reassuring to know".

"It's just...been a while, since I've been with anyone, and after last night I think I was craving affection so my body was a little more...sensitive, than usual so when I felt your hand, there..."

Alex blows out a deep breath, not finding it easy to regulate her emotions, especially while the delectable expanse of Lena's bare back is on full display, and turns to pull her own shirt over her head as a defense. "Look, I don't want you to go, but could you maybe put your shirt on though. I know neither of us are creeps but you're still a ridiculously gorgeous woman, and I'm only human".

The compliment is so out of the blue, and sounds so reluctantly made, that Lena can't help believing it to be genuine, and flushes immediately. Foregoing her bra for the moment she instead wraps herself in her flannel shirt, buttoning it up enough to ensure the fact she is bra-less isn't identifiable, then rolls the sleeves up her forearms. Once covered she turns to face Alex, who is now dressed in her T shirt and pants from last night, though Lena notes the gun is missing from her thigh, and the pair smile cautiously at each other.

"Breakfast?"

Alex holds up two granola bars, and Lena can't help laughing. "You really know how to spoil a girl".

"I've been told my cooking leaves a lot to be desired, so packaged is probably safer".

Alex tosses one of the bars to Lena before moving to open the tent and stepping out into the mid morning sun. She stands up and stretches, feeling her muscles pop from sleeping on the hard packed ground, then hears a rustle behind her as Lena exits the tent too.

They settle onto a couple of large logs that Alex drags over and tear open their bars, eating in compatible silence for a few minutes before Lena decides to admit something.

"I had to pay a private chef to teach me how to cook scrambled eggs".

Alex looks surprised at the confession, but remains quiet as she senses there is more and simply nods for Lena to continue.

"Last night you said you thought I would make a good mom, do you remember?"

Alex remembers the moment, and Lena's reaction to it. "I believe I said you would make a great mom, but you didn't seem to believe me".

The way Alex gently corrects her, reinforcing her belief in her ability to be a mom, is sweet and touches Lena, even as she struggles to believe it.

"The way I was raised, it wasn't a great example of motherhood. I never learned what it meant to be a good parent, or got taught any life skills that aided in becoming the kind of person that could provide for another. The Luthor's had an entire team of staff to do everything for them, and I literally wasn't allowed in our kitchen as my mother thought it was unbecoming to fraternize with the hired help. I grew up not knowing how to boil an egg, and one of my fears was that I would never be a good mother because I didn't know how to cook healthy, nutritious meals for kids".

Alex watches as Lena struggles to verbalize her fears, never having said them aloud before, and feels her heart ache for how alone Lena must have felt growing up.

"I don't know whether I will ever have kids, that all depends on finding the right...person-" Her eyes flick to Alex for a brief moment before dropping again "-but I wanted to makes sure that if I ever did I would be as well equip as possible, so I took cooking lessons".

When Alex doesn't respond Lena looks up at her, only to find the redhead with a dazzling smile on her face, aimed directly at her. "See. Great mom".

They head home shortly after, Alex breaking the tent down and packing it away with an expertise Lena can only envy but, after mentioning how hopeless she is at all things outdoors due to her Mother's aversion to 'roughing it', she feels a bubble of hope well up in her when Alex promises to show her how to put up a tent properly the next time they go camping.

Lena knows that the fact Alex is able to mention a future event, and actually sound like she might be looking forward to it, is a huge deal for her right now, and she can't help the huge smile that overtakes her at hearing it.

Lena's reaction to her comment throws Alex for a moment, but when she stops and thinks about what she's just said she understands why. She shakes her head and smiles back at Lena, slightly in awe that within the space of a day she had gone from thinking the darkest of thoughts possible to picturing herself camping with Lena Luthor, and knows that it could only be because of the support the stoic businesswomen has shown her.

"Don't get too excited-" Alex bumps her hip into Lena's playfully "- next time I'll make sure to pack TWO sleeping bags".

Lena lets out a pretend growl of annoyance at being bumped and tries to bump her back, which manages to do nothing as Alex is ready for her and moves out of the way before she is able to connect.

"Oh, it's going to be like that, is it Danvers?"

Lena raises a questioning eyebrow at Alex, who chuckles at the challenge she sees weighed at her.

"Bring it if you think you can. Little Luthor".

There is a momentary shift in Lena's expression, one that give Alex a second to think 'uh oh, what did I unleash?' before the DEO agent finds her legs disappearing out from underneath her and she is connecting with the ground. Hard.

"Holy Guacamole, that hurt!" Alex groans as the poles from the tent jab into her ribs, the unwieldy backpack she has just landed on only partially cushioning her fall, and she wiggles her legs like a stuck tortoise for a few seconds before she manages to unclip the straps from around her waist and roll herself free.

She looks up at Lena who, with arms crossed loosely over her body and hip cocked as she stares down at her with a satisfied smile on her face, is a vision of smugness.

She lifts her hands, spreading her arms wide to gesture at the tactical leg sweep Lena just pulled off. "Where the hell did that come from?"

"You told me to bring it-" a perfectly shaped eyebrow quirks upwards "-so I did".

Shaking her head as she gets to her feet Alex has to admit that she did throw the challenge out there, she just wasn't expecting quite such a powerful response.

"Okay, you're going to have to explain this one to me, because if cooking lessons weren't on the list of Luthor approved things to learn at finishing school, I very much doubt Lillian signed off on combat training for the littlest Luthor".

Lena suddenly loses her confident air, the question causing her to drop her arms in favor of stuffing her hands into the back pockets of her shorts instead. "Kara taught me, actually".

Alex, who had been bending down to retrieve the backpack, straightens up so fast Lena flinches in concern she might damage something in her back, and stares at her in shock. "What?"

Unable to hold Alex's intense stare, Lena drops her gaze to the ground and kicks at the forest debris with the toe of her boot.

"I can hold my own, generally. I've been in a few scraps in my life, I'm a Luthor after all-" She lets out a humorless laugh at the memory of how many times her family name had caused her strife during her formative years, mainly from people who had been hurt by her ruthless relatives "-but Kara thought, given the number of attempts on my life since I moved to National City, it would be a good idea if I learned a few, advanced, moves".

Lena flicks her eyes up and sees that Alex is studying her, a slightly pained expression on her face as the topic is Kara, but also curious as this is something she hadn't known her sister had done.

"She said you'd taught her how to fight hand to hand and wanted to pass on a few tips, so showed me some ways to bring down an assailant. We only sparred a few times, and it was always spur of the moment as Kara would turn up at my office and tell me that we had to do it there and then; which I found totally bizarre at the time, but I guess she must have been weak on Kryptonite or something as I actually managed to give her a bloody nose one time..."

"When?"

Lena frown at Alex's interruption. "Pardon me?"

"When was the last time you sparred?"

"A few days before the Beast appeared, which I feel guilty for now because I realize it was directly after she'd spent three days battling that huge super volcano that erupted in Thailand and destroyed thousands of homes".

"What about the time before that?"

"Just after Supergirl - Kara stopped that shape-shifting horde from invading".

The two dates connect in Alex's head, and she lets out a bark of laughter. "Kara, you sneaky little shit!"

Feeling completely lost Lena edges towards Alex. "Care to share the missing piece of the puzzle?"

Alex smiles at the confused look on Lena's face even as she shakes her head lightly at Kara's sneakiness. "She wasn't weak. She was powerless".

"I beg your pardon?"

Alex reaches for the backpack again and shrugs into it, content to resume walking as she explains.

"Every now and again, when Kara or Clark-" She throws a sidelong glance at Lena "-I take it you've connected the dots about Superman's identity by now?"

"I've known about Clark since way before Lex went to prison".

Lena, falls into step by Alex's side, but at the questioning look she rolls her eyes.

"Lillian thought my brother's obsession with Superman stemmed from the fact that he was secretly in love with Clark Kent and, by proving that Clark was really Superman, it would somehow validate his 'unnatural' feelings for a man because it was The Man of Steel he was lusting after, because half the planet, male or female were doing exactly the same thing. However, she didn't want a gay child, so had him shipped off to a gay conversion camp".

"That's terrible". Alex is shocked, and actually feels genuine compassion for Lex Luthor, something she never thought possible

"That's Lillian". Lena grits her teeth as she thinks about how different life might have been had Lex not been to that awful place. "However, I believed Lex, so set out for myself to find proof, tangible proof that would convince her beyond a shadow of a doubt that Lex wasn't lying, and could come home".

"And you found it?"

Lena nods, sadly. "I did, but it took too long. Clark was very careful, methodical about ensuring he stayed in character at all times. It took me months before I managed to catch him out, film him using his heat vision to warm up the water in the bath in his apartment, from the rooftop of the adjoining building. By which time Lex had been released from the center and too far into his psychosis to be saved".

"Why did you never say anything, to anyone. " Alex asks, puzzled. "Not even to Clark when he was harassing you about the space shuttle thing?"

"I have been tempted, if only see the smug look wiped off his face at the realization that I know, but to honest, in all my time following him about, I discovered that he is a genuinely decent man-" Lena shrugs "- and this world is a better place with him in it. Though when I found out Kara was his cousin I must confess I was curious to know if she was Supergirl. Which she didn't help by saying things like she flew to my office on a bus!"

Alex chuckles at that. "My sister, the queen of the idiots".

"I was wanted to know for sure, and I admit that I tried to find out, through less than honest means, if she was".

"What kind of means?"

Lena is relieved to hear that Alex doesn't sound cross at her confession, merely curious.

"I asked her test out my prototype alien fingerprint scanner, which she somehow managed to fool despite the billions I'd invested in it. I also invited both her and Supergirl to my fund-raising Gala to see if I could get them to be in the same place at the same time".

"You never thought about just asking her the truth?"

"Only about a thousand time a day". Lena rolls her eyes. "But each time I tried, the words got stuck in my throat".

"Why?"

"I guess I was scared".

"Of?"

Alex doesn't try to push too hard as, thanks to Kara's insights about the naturally reticent woman, she knows a few carefully placed words can help encourage her along when a whole sentence would fail.

"History repeating itself".

Those three quietly spoken words tell Alex everything Lena can't say, and she immediately pivots so she is in front of the pensive woman. "Hey stop that!"

The abrupt movement catches Lena off guard and she walks straight into Alex before she can stop herself, causing Alex to let out a squawk of pain when she ends up getting headbutted in the nose for her troubles.

Lena's hands fly up to cover her mouth as she stares at Alex in shock, her eyes wide and beseeching."Oh my gosh, Alex, I'm so sorry!"

"It's okay". Though slightly muffled by her hands, Alex's reply is genuine. "It's my fault for surprising you like that".

"Are you okay?"

Alex gives her nose a test wiggle then, when she doesn't feel any pain, drops her hands and gives Lena a reassuring smile. "Yeah, you don't seem to have permanently damaged me, this time".

"Oh, thank goodness for that".

Lena lets out a relieved sigh then, upon seeing an amused smirk on Alex's face, turns a confused frown her way. "Exactly what about that whole scenario is amusing to you Agent Danvers?"

"Well, before you bumped into me I turned to you with the intention of trying to convince you that you were nothing like Lex and that there was no way in hell you would have ever hurt Kara, even if you had discovered that she was Supergirl back when you were first getting to know her-" Alex lets out a hearty chuckle "-but I think we just proved it was never the younger Danver sibling you were dangerous to".

The flush of of red that shoots across Lena's pale cheeks is incredibly endearing to Alex, and shows a level of vulnerability the hardened businesswoman is still capable of.

"I'm still a Luthor, and seeing as Kara never told me she must have thought, on some level, there was a chance that I might have..."

"NO".

Alex speaks firmly as she steps forward again and places her hands on Lena's shoulders, not allowing her to finish her sentence. The forcefulness is enough to stop Lena in her tracks, her bottom lip dropping open in surprise as she looks up at Alex questioningly.

"Kara never thought that-"Alex gentles her tone as she sees the doubt in Lena's eyes, still so unsure of her own self worth "-and I can tell you right now that I personally witnessed her stand up for you, when all the evidence said different, to her friends and loved ones because she knew in her heart that you were a good person".

"She did?"

The childlike wonder in Lena's voice is heartbreaking to Alex, because it tells her that Lena isn't used to having people stand up for her, and she silently thanks her sister for being able to see what the world refuses to.

"The only reason she didn't tell you was because she knew how much you hated being lied to, and was convinced that you would never speak to her again if you ever found out; a sentiment your own mother reinforced quite gleefully-" Alex's face turns sour as she remembers how hurt Kara had been recounting the way Lillian's eyes had sparked at the thought of the as yet theoretical moment "-and frankly, after the way you cold shouldered Supergirl after learning she asked James to check your vault for Kryptonite when we were dealing with Reign, it was hard not to believe it could happen".

"I would never have done that to Kara!"

Lena's denial is too quick, too sharp, and even she can hear the hollowness to it as she snaps it out. It forces her to drops her head and hunch her shoulders in shame as she admits "I would have done that, because that's what I do when I get hurt. I shut down and push people away".

A gentle finger cupping her chin encourages, but doesn't force, her to raise her eyes, and when she does, it is to find an understanding smile waiting for her.

"Kara lied because she didn't want to disappoint you, but she also hated that she couldn't be completely honest with you. She hated it every single day, and it was one of her biggest regrets. Please know that".

The quiet kindness in Alex's voice is too much, and tears being to bubble up in Lena's eyes as her emotions start to overwhelm her. When strong, yet gentle, arms softly wrap around her shoulders and pull her against a warm and solid chest, Lena gratefully sinks into the comforting embrace, wrapping her own arms awkwardly around Alex's waist and the backpack in an attempt to anchor herself to the steadying presence. She buries her damp eyes against the curve of Alex's neck as she sniffles hard, trying to hold back the deluge threatening to fall, and manages around the lump in her throat. "I miss her so, so much".

Alex tightens her hold around Lena's shoulders, feeling the way the body in her arms is trembling, and drops her lips down to graze against Lena's temple as she murmurs "I know, sweetie. Me too".

"I just wish she'd trusted me more".

Alex hears the quiet words, almost whispered into her clavicle, and pulls back to look down at the woman that uttered them. "Kara did trust you, Little Luthor, and the proof of this was demonstrated not too long ago when you knocked me flat on my ass".

Lena gazes up at Alex through watery eyes, the adorable crease in the middle of her forehead an indication to the smitten Agent that the confused businesswomen doesn't see how the two items connect, and she smiles at her gently.

"All the times Kara sparred with you, she was the most vulnerable she could ever be in her life".

The crease deepens at Alex's words, confusion apparent on Lena's face.

"Occasionally, when Kara or Clark push their abilities too hard, they temporarily max out their powers. Clark calls it a solar flare, because he's a big old nerd-" Alex is gratified to see that her small jab at Kara's cousin raises a smile on Lena's face "-but basically it means they're rendered as powerless a human. With all the vulnerabilities and weaknesses that come with it. More so if you take in to account the fact that they have don't have to cope as a human on a day to day basis. I mean, you saw for yourself how Kara struggled when we went into the Dark Valley to find Sam".

"I never thought about it like that before, but looking back it makes perfect sense". Lena's brow clears at the realization.

"Apart from when she was exposed to Kryptonite, those are pretty much the only times that Kara could be killed-" a muscle in Alex's cheek ticks, and she has to take a moment to regain her calm at the thought of Kara being dead before she can continue "-but instead of staying safe inside the DEO like I instructed her to, or watching Netflix in her apartment like she told me she was,-" Alex rolls her eyes at the lie Kara obviously told her to escape the DEO, causing Lena to let out a little chuckle "-she trusted you enough to get physical with her".

The way Alex suddenly pales as she realizes whats she's said, or rather the way she's said it, would have been comical to Lena if she hadn't have been distracted by thoughts of getting physical with the Danver sister in her arms right now, but is pulled back into the moment when Alex starts stammering.

"I...I didn't mean...that! I meant the sweaty kind of physical. Oh crap, that's even worse! I didn't mean sex. With Kara. I didn't meant to imply that you were having sex with with Kara. My sister. Not that there would be anything wrong with that if you had been, of course. Because sex between women is great. As I should know! It just that it would have be a surprise if you two were-" Alex suddenly looks fortified, and her eyes widen almost comically wide as she lets go of Lena and steps back to stare at her in horror "- not that Kara wanting to have sex with you should be a surprise because you are, without a shadow of a doubt, an insanely gorgeous woman and anyone with a pulse would be mad not to fancy the hell out of you and my sister, though tending to lean towards the male side of the species, had a fine appreciation of the female form..."

"I was not having sex with your sister".

Lena feels it necessary to interrupt the ever reddening woman before she bursts a blood vessel, and doesn't know whether to be insulted or not by the relief that floods Alex's face at the news.

"I did think about it every now and then though".

"What?!" Alex almost swallows her tongue in shock at Lena's admission, the strangled exclamation a perfect reflection of the look of stupefaction on her face.

Lena laughs at her reaction and shrugs lightly, acting like she hadn't just admitted something pretty huge. "You obviously couldn't see it because she was your sister, but Kara was a hottie".

"You fancied Kara?" Eyes wide and heart slightly crushed by the news, Alex stares at Lena in shock.

"I may have had a crush on her for a little while". Lena admits. "It's hard not to develop a thing for something attractive after they've saved your life, especially when they're incredibly nice to boot".

Aware that she could be talking about both Danver siblings, Lena manages to maintain a neutral expression as she is aware of how closely Alex is studying her right now.

"Why didn't you ever do anything about it and ask her out?" It hurts to ask, but Alex figures that's why curiosity ended up killing the cat.

"I may like to wallow in a little self indulgent misery every now and again, but I'm not a total masochist". Lena scoffs at the question, suddenly wishing she is at home where she would be able to get her hands on a large glass of something red and alcoholic.

"What do you mean?"

"It means that I don't enjoy inflicting pain on myself". Lena sighs heavily. "I knew Kara would agree to the date just so she didn't hurt my feelings, despite not feeling the same way about me, and we would have had a sham of a date instead of a real one; which would have been infinitely worse than her just saying no".

"Why would it have been worse?" Alex can see Lena has withdrawn into herself a little and feels bad for asking the intrusive question, but is genuinely curious and wants to keep her talking to try and draw her back out.

"Picture everything you've ever wanted in a person; kind, thoughtful, sweet, honest, funny, charming, gorgeous...and imagine how elated you would be if that person agreed to go on a date with you". Lena turns introspective eyes downwards. "Then picture knowing that they didn't feel the same as you, and the only reason they were there was because they didn't want to hurt your feelings".

Alex, who has been swept up in the emotive swell of Lena's smoky voice and is picturing the woman herself as her date, feels her stomach drop at the idea that Lena would only agree to a date with her so as to not hurt her feelings, nods in understanding. "Yeah, I see your point".

"Besides, the more time I spent with Kara, the more I realized we were too incompatible for a relationship".

Feeling immediately defensive of her little sister, Alex bristles at the implications that Kara was in some way lacking. "What do you mean? Kara was always there for you whenever you needed help".

"Exactly". Self loathing tugs on Lena once again. "I was the dark constantly diminishing her light".

Alex can hear the pain inside the words, how much hate Lena is directing towards herself, and her heart aches for the vulnerable child that got so damaged growing up inside the Luthor mansion.

"For the longest time I was jealous of Kara".

Alex catches the confused look on Lena's face out the corner of her eye just as she turns away to once again remove the backpack from her shoulders, aware that they need to talk this out before they move on any further, so decides she might as well get comfy. She drops the pack on the ground and then paces a little, knowing that what she's about to talk about is stuff she never really likes to bring up as it's a wound that has never really healed properly, but feels it would be good for Lena to hear.

"My parents were always smart people, top in their respective fields for many years, and very well respected by their peers. They loved learning, and I wasn't exactly a slow coach either". Alex can feel Lena's eyes on her, but she keeps hers on the ground as she paces, her focus in the past. "I was their only child, and I liked it. I got all their praise, and all their focus. Then along Kara came".

Alex can already feel the twist of jealously she'd felt back then squirming in her stomach; the fear of being forgotten, replaced by the prettier, cleverer girl who could fly and bend metal with one hand, and the red hot spike of anger at her parents for taking her in that had almost consumed her.

"Suddenly it felt like I didn't exist anymore. Or worse, I existing in a world where I could do no right". Heat tinges Alex's cheeks at the memory of how her parents had ignored her in favor of fawning over Kara . "It seemed like the only time my parents noticed me was to criticize me, or to point out something I did wrong to Kara so that she didn't do it too".

"That was incredibly unfair of you parents".

"It was like they had just been give the ultimate new specimen to study and I was only kept around as a base study for comparison".

"You resented her for making you feel inferior in your own home".

Lena gets it. Lex had once told her that when he had first found out about their dad having an affair with her mother he had be angry about it because he'd wrongly believed that it had been because Lionel wanted a different family, feeling his own was inferior, and had resented the idea of Lena coming to live with them. Yet when he had met her, so wide eyed and innocent, he had realized that it had nothing to do with her and everything to do with his father, so hadn't been able to blame her for any part of it.

"Logically I knew that it wasn't her fault. I mean, Jesus, she'd watched her whole planet explode in front of her eyes and then got stuck in the phantom zone for thirteen years; she was an innocent victim-" Alex runs her hands through her hair in agitation, the short bristles along the side of her head brushing against her palm as she brushes the long strands back "-but when she came out with things like 'it's ironic they call it advanced placement when we learned calculus from aged four on Krypton', or spent all her time obsessing over Clark, even though he never came to visit her, not once, the prick, and just wanted to be like him. It made it really hard to bond with her".

"Something obviously changed that". Lena tilts her head to study the pacing woman. "The two of you clearly became incredibly close".

"A schoolfriend of ours, Kenny, was murdered because of something he accidentally saw with his telescope, and Kara and I found out". Alex remembers the fear she'd felt the moment the sheriff had pointed his gun at her. "Kara saved my life using her powers. It was pretty difficult to be pissed at her for being an alien after that".

"You put aside your differences for a common goal and discovered you were more alike than you thought."

Lena smiles softly, thinking how nice it must have been to have a sibling so close in age to share things with. Lex had been so much older than herself growing up that he had seemed more like a third parent, the nicest one, than a sibling, and had then been gone so much at college that they'd never really had time to do much together.

"We did, and I learned to love her like the sister she truly is; but it was still difficult growing up in her shadow".

"Difficult how?"

"I busted my ass earning my PhD's, all the time thinking that if I could outshine Kara academically I might finally earn some respect back from my mom. She'd always placed such value on learning, bettering the world through science, that I was sure it would beat Kara's decision to settle on becoming Cat Grant's P.A".

"I take it your calculations were wrong?" The sympathetic tone in Lena's voice tells Alex she is hoping she's wrong.

"I'd forgotten to factor in that Kara is literally the girl of light, which made me the girl of dark by default". Alex's chuckles lowly as she leans against a large oak tree, a wry smile painting her lips as she crosses her arms and tucks her hands under her armpits. "Kara could have announced she was going to earn a living by farting the Star Spangled Banner using pot sticker powered flatulence and my mom would have offered her nothing but encouragement and positivity. If I'd said it, she'd have had me in rehab within the hour".

"That doesn't sound very fair".

Alex thinks back to how turbulent her early twenties were because of the double standards between herself and Kara. "It wasn't, no. So for a while I gave up trying, and took up drinking instead".

"That doesn't sound very healthy".

The well executed eyebrow raise directed at her sends a frisson down Alex's spine, and she feels the fine hairs on her arms stand on end in reaction. Dropping her eyes to try and break the connection and regain some sort of control, Alex clears her throat. "It really wasn't, and I spiraled to the point where I ended up in jail for a DUI. Luckily J'onn was keeping an eye on me, even back then, and stepped in to help give me a path back to myself. Ironically his offer of a position was part blackmail about Kara".

"There was no part of your life that was free of her". Lena understands how hard that must have been for Alex, growing up living in the long shadow Lex had cast as she did.

"I even hid the fact that I liked girls because of her".

Alex's statement intrigues Lena, and she raises an eyebrow questioningly. "Pray tell, why?"

The flush that creeps up Alex's neck, and the way she shifts awkwardly under Lena's gaze, gives away how the younger woman's scrutiny affects her, but she manages to hold it together enough to reply. "Despite coming from another planet Kara somehow managed to acclimatise to Earth quicker than some people who've been here their whole lives, and is the living embodiment of the all American girl, so when I started getting feelings for one of my friends, a female friend, it was I that ended up feeling like the alien".

"So you took your feelings for this girl, put them in a box labeled 'Do Not Open', and buried it at the back of your mind?"

Lena hypothesizes the ending, which is not that dissimilar to her own teenage years and burgeoning sexuality, to which she receives a nod from Alex.

"I think I buried that box so deep I forgot about it completely and ended up convinced I was just broken in the relationship department. One of those woman that was just more career focused that relationship minded, and had resigned myself to being single. It wasn't until I met Maggie that the lid on that box came loose, and well..."

Observing quietly, Lena can see that the subject of Maggie is still raw for Alex, and wonders if she is still in love with her. Kara had told her a little about their relationship, and she's had a few conversations with Alex herself about her desire to become a mom one day, so knew the reasons they'd broken up. First loves were always the most intense, because you had an unbroken heart to love with, and she envies Maggie for having felt Alex's complete love.

Although, admittedly being somewhat bias having been arrested by her in the past, she also thinks Maggie is a complete idiot. Because who, having been blessed enough to feel the full force of Alex Danver's love, would willing walk away from it?

The woman is everything you could ever ask for in a partner, and ten times more. Having seen the way Alex was able to calm Ruby during even the most stressful of moments, a girl she barely knew but bonded with so quickly, Lena knows that she is going to be an amazing mother. Suddenly, the image of Alex, asleep on the sofa pops into Lena's head. The gorgeous redhead is sprawled on the couch in sweatpants and a DEO T shirt, hair flopping over her forehead as their adorable baby snuggles peacefully in the security of her strong arms...

"Why are you smiling like that?"

The question pulls Lena out of her daydream with a jolt, and she has to blink several times as she tries to get a handle on the startling thought that she'd imagined it was their baby, instead of just Alex's.

"I... I was just thinking what an idiot Maggie was for letting you go". Choosing to tell part of the truth seemed like a better choice than a lie, which gives Lena a moment to pull herself together.

"And that made you smile like a kid in a candy store?"

The confused frown on Alex's face is incredibly endearing, and Lena knows she's got it bad for her best friends sister.

"No, Agent Danvers, I was of course not happy that you got hurt in that whole mess". Lena chooses her words carefully, aware that she doesn't want to screw up the potential friendship brewing between them. "I simply got to thinking about how you are now free to find the right woman, and can be loved the way you deserve to be. I was smiling because I was picturing you being the amazing mom I know you'll will be".

"Oh".

Alex's bashful face is even more endearing than her confused face, and Lena bites her lip to try and stop a smile from popping back onto her face at how cute it is.

"I seem to have lost my train of thought suddenly". Alex rubs the back of her neck in a way Lena is coming to learn is a giveaway sign that she is flustered. "I know there was point to me dropping all my adolescent drama on you, but I can't, for the life of me, recall what it is now".

Underneath all that armor and tough exterior, lies a woman with a fragile heart insecure about her own self worth.

We really aren't so different, you and I, Lena finds herself thinking.

It is a strange revelation, seeing so much of herself reflected in such a different personality, and gives Lena pause as she is forced to re-evaluate how critical she has been with herself over the years. For so long now she has blamed herself for so much, taken on so many burdens, that she has struggled to function under the weight sometimes. And she has always felt that she should still be doing more, has constantly felt guilty for any moments of pleasure she's enjoyed that have been about herself and not for the betterment of others.

Yet looking at Alex, who is doing the exact same thing; putting far too much pressure on herself and drowning under the weight of all her obligations, she can objectively see that it isn't right. Lena believes in her heart that Alex deserves a family. A wife to shower her with affection and desire. Children for unconditional love and to remind her to not take life to seriously. And friends to relax with.

Which, if she is using her own rules to measure with, means that she does too.

Lena sighs softly as she tries to shake the thought of wanting all that with Alex, but knows that it is almost impossible as the image is too damn inviting looking in her head.

Instead she responds to Alex, trying to distract herself another way. "I think you were trying to make me feel better by proving you're the black sheep of your family too".

"Oh, yeah". Alex grins sheepishly. "Sorry. I never seem to know how to handle flattery. Stick a gun in my face and I'm as cool as a cucumber, but the second an attractive woman gives me a compliment I tend to go to pieces".

"You may be bad at receiving compliments, but you seem pretty good at dishing them out".

Lena has clocked the number of comments Alex had made about her, and given her current mood, feels that maybe now is the time to stop letting them slide.

"This morning you referred to me as 'ridiculously gorgeous'. During your rather cute little babble when you were trying to assure me you were fine with me sleeping with Kara you called me 'insanely gorgeous'. And just now you called me attractive-"

The middle of the woods, during a mission that is technically to retrieve a missing woman that is grieving the loss of her sister, may not been the time or the place for this; but Lena fears that the minute they get back to the city Alex might simply disappear back behind her workload and she'll lose her chance to find out, so uses the opportunity she has now as she looks straight at the suddenly nervous looking woman as she asks;

"-are you hitting on me, Agent Danvers?"

Thank you for reading!

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