The Logical Choice

Chapter One

Word Count: 3,281

Rating: T, just to be safe

Warnings: Um... none that I'm aware of, but that could change...

Summary: After years of failed relationships, she came to the conclusion that she was incapable of love. Still, she wants a family, and there just may be a solution to that. Choosing the man who sees love as just a chemical reaction in the brain is just logical, right?

Author's Note: So... I started this AU before, thought it was probably better not to do it, but then I finished Things Lost in the Fire and was rather depressed by the state of my Nano project and my inability to do other things, so I revisited it while trying to decide on fic and replaying a route in a different game and decided to go ahead and put the first chapter together.

Then I took another break from Nano and did the second, and... I don't even know anymore.

It is important to know that this is after the normal end of Ukyo's route, that has an impact on her memories and feelings. And the heroine goes by Kokoa here. After findng it for Things Lost in the Fire, I've decided it is her name for all my stories regardless of AU, at least so long as they're Kent/Heroine stories.

And I'm doing the two chapters for the inital posting thing because... I do feel awkward about this one, too.

Chapter One

Love is a chemical reaction in the brain, Kokoa wrote on the board, aware of the eyes on her as she did. She'd chosen her opening words carefully, intending to provoke a reaction, and she was sure she had, all of the students watching her to see just what she was going to do now.

After all, what psychology class would start out with a statement like that?

"When you see those words, what is your first response?" she asked, facing the room again. "If you're like me, they're grounds for a fight. And boy, did I fight with the man who said that to me."

She heard a bit of laughter going through the room, knowing it was a bit tense and uneasy. They were all unsure what to expect, her and her students. She gave them a bright smile, trying to ease a few fears. She was not the scary kind of teacher, never could be, no matter what happened to her, not that she'd even believed she could teach at all five years ago.

"He and I had two very different opinions on how people worked and why," she said. "It didn't make either of us wrong, but then again, it wasn't like either of us to admit we were."

She got more laughter from that, and she smiled. This had felt like the right introduction for her class, but she'd been a little unsure of it before today. It was good to see it working now.

"He believed in looking at everything through logic and using pure mathematics and science to explain life, where I believed in emotions and allowing for things that just can't be explained, things well beyond science but not necessarily spiritual. We all have our moments that defy reason, and love above all else, is irrational. Some people say you can choose who you love, but I've never found that to be true myself."

She'd wanted it to be, she'd even tried to make that work, but she hadn't. She should have been able to love them, but she didn't. She never felt what she should have, just that same aching emptiness inside her. She didn't understand that, but she had almost accepted that she never would.

And at the same time, she hadn't. She wanted to find an answer, any kind of answer, to her problem, but she hadn't. No amount of analysis like she was used to or even trying to apply logic or reason to it had worked.

It left her with a conclusion she didn't much like but feared was true.

She wasn't capable of loving anyone.

She wasn't a monster, not a sociopath as they used to describe it, and she didn't think she was going to label herself as asexual or aromantic—she didn't fit those things, not really, but she also didn't have a better explanation for the way she was.

She shook her thoughts off. She was the teacher here. She had a class to instruct. She couldn't afford to get caught up in that same endless debate. She didn't know what was wrong with her, and maybe she never would.

"Psychology is the study of human behavior," she said, "and what I've just mentioned illustrates a couple different ways of doing just that. Can you apply logic and reason to everything we do? Not necessarily, but then when we analyze typical behavior, we see patterns that recur often enough to make it seem like maybe there is rhyme and reason to the choices we make. So we see where emotions and science connect, to a point, and yet at the same time, that same friend of mine wouldn't consider this much of a science at all."

She heard more laughter and managed a smile. "Go ahead and take out your syllabus. We've got a lot to look forward to this semester."

"There she is, everyone's favorite aunt," Sawa said just before Kokoa was mobbed by a trio of kids, all of them clamoring for attention. The boys were loud, but their younger sister, never one to be outdone, had to yell over both of them, making Sawa wince. "I'm sorry. It's been a while since we've been able to get together. I'm sure you can tell how much they missed you."

She smiled, knowing full well how true that was since her first quarter had passed so quickly, and she both loved it and felt like she was drowning in trying to keep up with her class. She turned, greeting each child in turn, ruffling hair and passing along gifts. Kaya clutched her book to her chest, beaming in happiness. The boys didn't seem so glad to see theirs, but she really didn't know what else they expected.

She was a teacher now. She was obligated to give books as gifts.

"I'm glad we were able to meet tonight. I'm looking forward to the pageant."

"Yuriko's been so excited," Sawa said. Then she grimaced. "Though she wouldn't let me make the costume and insisted on having Mine do it."

"Mommy can't sew," Kaya said, and Sawa frowned at her. "That's what Aunt Mine says."

Sawa put a hand on her hip, glaring at Mine as she came up to join them. "So I can't sew, huh?"

"Oh, don't take it personally, Sawa," Mine said, clucking her tongue. "You can do plenty of things better than I can, but you'll rush things and end up sewing the legs where the sleeves are supposed to go like last year."

"That was kind of funny."

"Not you, too," Sawa said. "You're going to make me feel like a failure as a mom."

Mine rolled her eyes. "You? No way. Just because you can't sew doesn't make you a bad mom. I know I would never manage all of these guys. That's just way too many. I can barely take care of our dog, but four kids? You're wonder mom."

She smiled, listening to her friends, but once again, that pang was back in her heart. She had thought teaching would be enough, but it hadn't stopped that ache that she felt when she thought about her own plans. She'd thought for sure she'd have her own family by now.

Instead, she was alone, with a long line of failed relationships and bitter resentment behind her. She didn't know how she'd gone so wrong, but she did think Kent would find it ironic that the woman who used to argue with him about love no longer believed herself capable of it.

Oh, she loved all of Sawa's kids. She loved her friends. She loved her parents.

But romantic love? She couldn't even feel that for Shin or Toma, dear as they were to her, and if she couldn't manage it with them—or with Ikki, who'd tried hard to seduce her—something must be wrong with her. She'd devoted herself to her studies of psychology trying to understand herself, and she'd tried all sorts of relationships and partners trying to find what she'd been missing.

Every time she did, that same emptiness inside her made her end it, and most of them hated her now, not that she blamed them. They'd felt something for her. She hadn't felt anything for them.

She really understood Ikki now, but she knew he'd gotten his happy ending, settling down with one true love, while she was still single and had alienated a lot of people who used to be friends.

"Go sit with your father," Sawa said, shooing the kids toward the seats. As soon as they were gone, Sawa faced her with a sigh. "Why did they have to get my energy? I'm cursed."

Kokoa laughed. "Oh, Sawa. You don't know how much I envy you."

Sawa frowned. "Are you okay? I know we haven't talked in a while, but you sound really down. Is this... about him?"

Kokoa shook her head. "No. I mean, I... I don't think I'll ever stop feeling guilty about how it turned out because he... really cared about me, but I didn't love him back."

"Why are you feeling guilty?" Mine asked, frowning. "It was an arranged marriage, right? You both went into it knowing what it was. He knew there was a good chance you'd never love him. You told him that repeatedly. He's the one that tried to demand it from you."

"Yeah," Sawa agreed. "That's not your fault at all. I mean, most people want to believe that arranged marriages can turn into love because that's the fairy tale, but it doesn't always happen, and he should have been more reasonable."

"Instead, he was scary, and you were totally right to divorce him."

Kokoa flinched. She knew that Sawa and Mine were right, but her parents and his had been a lot less understanding about the situation. He was far worse.

"You are really okay, right?"

She nodded. "I'm okay. I've got my new place, and my teaching job is going very well so far. He hasn't contacted me in a couple months."

"If you're sure," Mine said, though she sounded doubtful. "Oh, but let's not be like that. The kids will get worried."

"Yeah," Sawa said, clearly not wanting that at all. "Oh! I know what will cheer you up. Come on and say hello."

She felt herself get tugged along, and she wished she could stop it. As dear a friend as Sawa was, and as much as she loved the kids, it was still slightly awkward for her to be around Sawa's husband. He was a good guy, a sweetheart, and he was amazing with the kids, but Kokoa still remembered him as an incorrigible flirt who had tried to seduce her more than once.

Ikki had little Kaya in his arms, and the girl smiled smugly down at her brothers who were pouting as he directed them to their seats. "One of you on either side of us. You lost the privilege of sitting together."

"But Dad—"

"Did you or did you not hit your sister while you were 'playing' with each other?" Ikki asked, his expression a bit stern and scary. "I thought so. Now sit."

"Thank you, Daddy," Kaya said, wrapping her arms around Ikki's neck and snuggling against him. He looked at her with such love, and Mine made a bit of a noise.

"Oh, he's so hot as a superdad."

"Mine," Sawa said, which made Ikki laugh as he drew her close, pulling her in on his other side.

"Come on now. You know I only have eyes for you, don't you?" Ikki said, holding her against him. "I mean, there are a couple other ladies who have a hold on my heart, but I don't think you can fault me for loving Kaya and Yuriko."

Sawa shook her head. "Of course not, but you start talking like that and I remember why we have four kids."

"I'm always ready to make another," Ikki teased, making her cheeks go red. Kokoa laughed, and he looked over at her. "Oh, Kokoa. I'm glad you were able to make it. Yuriko was afraid you'd be too busy."

"No. I mean, my new job has me pretty busy—I never realized all that went into teaching—but I wanted to be here. And I'm going to be at the game next week, boys, don't look at me like that. I haven't missed an event yet, have I?"

"Only a dinner invitation here or there, which with Sawa's cooking, who can blame you?"

"Hey," Sawa protested, and Ikki grinned at her. "Okay, fine, I know I can't cook, but I wasn't even the one supposed to do the cooking either time."

"It wasn't about the cooking," Kokoa said. "I just made the mistake of scheduling the due date for a big paper on the same day as the meal, and I had so much grading to do I was up all night. I worked straight through dinner at home and was not good company. That's all it was."

"That's good." Ikki smiled at her. "I'd hate to think you were staying away because of me."

"Not at all."

"Aunt Kokoa, will you sit next to me?" Kaya asked, squirming down from her father's arms. "I don't want to sit next to Akito."

Her brother glared back at her. Sawa and Ikki sighed in unison, but she took Kaya's hand and took the seat in between her and her brother. She leaned over to Akito. "This way I get to sit between both of you. That's nice, isn't it?"

Akito managed a smile, and she smiled back.

"She was the absolute cutest pie ever," Kokoa said, still smiling after Yuriko's performance earlier. She was very much her father's daughter, even if she looked almost exactly like Sawa.

"Mine's costume was perfect, wasn't it?" Sawa said, smiling brightly. "I'm glad that worked out, since I didn't get her sketch at all. That's what happens when she plans it with her father and he makes it about math."

"There are many things I love about this woman, but her ability to do math is not one of them," Ikki said, holding Sawa tight again and kissing her cheek.

Mine sighed, looking a bit jealous again. "Oh, you two. You're so in love it's disgusting. And how does it even work? I know it's not your eyes with her, even if they worked on her once, but sometimes I really don't get it."

Kokoa grimaced. That wasn't a fair thing to ask. It made it sound like what Ikki and Sawa had wasn't real, but it was. Sawa might not be what anyone thought of when they pictured the love of Ikki's life, not delicate and extremely feminine, but what Ikki actually needed was someone who challenged him, and Sawa could. As soon as she'd found the willpower to overcome the effect of Ikki's eyes, she'd shown herself stronger and more of a possible match than anyone. They were over ten years and four kids strong as well. This was real, and Kokoa was sure of that.

"What was that joke about pie, anyway? I don't think anyone got it," Mine said, rubbing at her forehead. "That was your doing, wasn't it, Ikki? Having your poor daughter do a skit on math, of all things. Could you be any crueler to her?"

"Yuriko likes math, just like her father," Sawa said, shrugging. "Her smile when he laughed was worth it, I think."

"It's still weird."

"Math isn't that weird. It's more applicable than we realize most of the time," Kokoa said. "We don't even think about how much we use it in our daily lives."

"That's just a lie that teachers use to convince us that torture in school is worth it."

Kokoa frowned. That wasn't how she was at all. "It is not."

"Hmm. To hear you defending math. Now that is a curious thing," a voice said from behind her, and she whirled around, staring up at the man behind her. Kent still seemed tall as ever, and she supposed she'd still expected that same long coat of his he'd worn all time after that summer when the weather went strange. "I don't remember you being especially fond of it yourself."

"No, but I did have help to appreciate it," she told him, unable to help the smile. "This is—I haven't seen you in forever, Kent, not since you left for London the second time. I heard you chose to stay over there for research... but you're back now?"

He nodded. "Though it is not entirely accurate to say that I was in London all that time, I have been back in Tokyo for the past year."

"Ken," Ikki said, pushing past his wife and Mine to go Kent's side and hug him. "Glad you made it. Yuriko will be thrilled, though you'll have to apologize to her because the seat we saved for you was empty the entire time."

"Regretfully, I was late, so it seemed better to take a seat in the back and not disturb the performance. I did arrive in time to see her, though."

"Uncle Ken! You made it!" Yuriko threw herself at Kent's legs, holding on tight. He frowned down at her in surprise. "Did you see me? They wouldn't let me take pi out more than ten decimal points, but it still makes a cool costume, right?"

Kent looked at the pie crust and tugged on the fabric to unravel it a little. "Oh. It is accurate. I thought for a second you had it wrong, and I would have to have a discussion with your father."

"I haven't forgotten pi," Ikki said, shaking his head at Kent. "Shame on you, thinking I would."

"He would have just blamed Mine anyway since she sewed it," Sawa said, and Mine frowned. "So I guess it's a good thing it wasn't me."

Ikki shook his head. "You do plenty. Quit thinking you have to be the perfect picture of womanhood to please me. I like you just how you are. You're plenty seductive."

"Ikki!"

"You haven't changed much, Ikkyu."

"I hope I never will." Ikki grinned, giving Sawa a saucy smile that made her blush red again. "You coming with us, then? We're taking Miss Pi out for pie."

Kent sighed. "I am afraid I can't. My responsibilities require that I return home. It... It is not a good day. I hope you understand."

Ikki nodded. "Of course. Don't worry about it, Ken. We do understand. You do what you need to do, and give them both my love, okay?"

"Our love," Sawa corrected, and Ikki nodded, picking Yuriko up to her delight and distraction. "The kids all want to do something for them, so just let us know when he's feeling up to it, okay?"

Kent nodded, though he seemed rather subdued, even for Kent. What were Ikki and Sawa talking about? Kokoa hadn't even known Kent was back in the country. Why hadn't they told her?

"Oh, Kent," she called out before he could leave, and he turned back to look at her. "It was good to see you again, even if we didn't get much of a chance to talk."

He smiled at her. "Yes, it was. Goodnight, Kokoa."

I still believe in love. I just don't love you.

She winced at her own words, shivering and pulling the blanket closer, not wanting to get out of her bed. She hadn't slept again, lying awake all night, unable to let go of the fear, not even in her new apartment. She'd thought it would be better once she was back behind good security, not just what little she got at the hotel, and she'd had a wonderful night out with Sawa and Ikki and the kids, but she still hadn't been able to rest.

She should never have made that admission, she knew, but she was not doing either of them any favors by pretending otherwise. She was damaged, and she had suspected it for years, since back in her first year at university, but by now she was sure, with each passing year and failed relationship.

Though her heart still ached sometimes like it remembered things she didn't, she'd never been in love, and she never would be. It wasn't fair to anyone to pretend.

She rose and went to the window, looking out at the city. She had hours before she had to be up for class, and she didn't know what to do with herself.

She was alone, and she knew now that she always would be.