A Late Night

The last person I expect to see at my door in the middle of the night is Mikasa Ackerman.

It's not that I haven't missed her companionship, or that the temptation of ever contacting her was lost, but life is rarely ever simple. Days become weeks, weeks become months, months become years, and only upon certain days do you look back and realize that you are potentially missing the people you used to cherish the most. That, by focusing upon your own concerns and occupations, you may inadvertently lose them forever.

"Can I come in?" she asks.

I wipe some of the sleep from my eyes, but nod nevertheless. It's about three in the morning when she sits on the edge my couch, and I can't help but notice just how pale and gaunt she is. Mikasa was never tan or tawny, but this newfound paleness is not a characteristic of hers that I can recall.

"What's up?" I say with a croaky voice, sitting at the other end the couch.

"I'm sorry to wake you," she apologizes. "I'm sure you're wondering why I'm here at this hour."

I nod, wiping my eyes again.

"I'm really not trying to be a bother, I just couldn't sleep, and I wanted to talk to somebody."

Mikasa has always been proud, and while I can only guess the topic she is going to speak of, I'm not surprised to find that she still has issues speaking about it. She's the type of person to lose a limb and tell you that it's just a flesh wound.

"You're not, I promise," I give her a tired smile. I pause before asking, "Is it about Eren?"

Her breath seems to be sucked out of her, but she still gives a curt nod. While Eren and I used to be best friends, a friendship that began to disappear as we grew older, the bond between Eren and Mikasa was always exceptional. I remember how Eren would always give Mikasa a hard time for mothering him, but when she didn't, he would become anxious and combustible. He would ask me if I had seen Jean hanging around Mikasa (knowing full well of his romantic intent), and I would tell him that Jean has moved on to pursue other interests after Mikasa rejected him almost a dozen times. That still would not convince him.

"I've just been thinking about a lot of random, pointless things. I haven't been able to talk with anybody else about them, so they've been festering inside of me."

I wait for her to continue.

"Do you know how people were... opposed to Eren and me?"

With a frown, I nod.

"Did you know Eren got really upset when I proposed to him?" she asks.

I stare at her in confusion. "Why?"

"He said that he was worried that our relationship could hurt me."

"In what way could it hurt you?"

"Eren was worried about doing something morally wrong and putting somebody else in a vulnerable position. When I proposed to him, he knew that there was a chance our relationship could become public, and I think he still felt uncomfortable with the idea that people might consider our relationship incestuous. We kept it a secret from Grisha and Carla at Eren's request."

She stares at her hands for a few moments. "When I told him that I told you, he got really upset."

"I remember," I softly interject. "When I was going to tell him I was happy for you two, he kind of blew up on me."

Though I purposefully left this tidbit out, Mikasa states, "It's why you two drifted apart."

"It's..." I hesitate, "one of the reasons, but not the reason."

"Are you angry at me for that?"

I blink. "For what?"

"For being a catalyst in you two falling out."

"You weren't," I assure her. "Things just happen like that, Mikasa. It's not your fault."

"But I've been thinking that if our relationship wasn't romantic, then maybe with the time we had, it wouldn't have all been so complicated," she murmurs. "All three of us could have been happy, even if Eren didn't have much longer left."

"Mikasa, he was happy with you," I assure her sleepily. "He wanted to have that type of relationship with you. Aren't you happy you experienced that with him?"

"I am, but I... I don't know."

Everything seems to be happening much too fast. I haven't seen Mikasa in two years, and to have her in my apartment unloading so much information upon me makes my head hurt with both astonishment and perplexity. When small talk isn't there to break the ice, you forget how much it helps a conversation flow smoothly, and how it helps your emotions catch up with your cognizance. I know that I am not dreaming, but I feel very lost.

Much to my dismay, I see a few tears leak from the corner of her eyes. Mikasa and I have never been particularly close, so I can't bring myself to comfort her in any physical way without it being uncomfortable. Being the tear ridden boy I was and still am as a man, I've put many other people in this position, but when the tables are turned, I always seem to panic and fluster.

"Hey, don't do that," I try awkwardly. "Mikasa, I really promise, none of this was your fault." I pause, trying to use that brain everybody always praises me for. I don't know why they praise me so much for it considering it always short-wires whenever I need it the most. "When people are in love, their nervous emotion always seems to cloud their analytical wherewithal about how much they mean to their significant other. I know Eren was always stubborn, but the times I saw him most happy wasn't with me, but it was with you. You should be happy for that, because for the time you could, you made him happy in a way nobody else could. I know he was worried about those moral qualms you noted, but believe me when I say that he was happy. The two of you just had a complex situation, and despite Eren not thinking similarly, I thought you guys handled it in the best possible way you could."

"Thanks," she wipes her eyes, allowing the brief digression of silence.

A pebble of guilt rattles around in my ribcage when I remember something I wish I didn't. Though I really want the conversation to slow down somewhat to process everything that is happening, what I'm about to say is only going to speed it up.

"I hope you know I'm sorry I didn't go to his funeral. I've felt horrible for that for years, now."

"You've already apologized, Armin, and I've told you it's okay."

"It's not, though. It really isn't."

"You wouldn't have wanted to be there."

"Why not?"

"Because I kind of messed it up."

I ogle at her curiously. "How did you mess it up?"

"I said a bunch of things I probably shouldn't have."

Knowing that Mikasa is usually a woman of few words, I am a bit puzzled.

Noticing my wonderment, she elaborates, "At Eren's funeral, when it was my turn to go up and speak at the podium, a swarm of emotions just hit me all at once. People were saying how he could have made another person so happy. They were saying to Grisha and Carla that all of this was unfair, that he never had the chance to live, and how sorry they were. So, being as confused as I was, while speaking about my personal memories of him, I talked about memories that might have made Eren roll over in his coffin. It may have not been the best decision, but it just felt right. Does that make sense?"

"It does."

"I think there would have been more anger if I wasn't crying as much as I was, but I don't know. Grisha wasn't happy, but Carla told me that she always knew. She said that she caught us one night kissing, but allowed it to continue. She said that she was scared that Eren would be hurt by somebody else, specifically mentioning how Eren is with grudges. She was concerned that he wouldn't be able to get over a bad relationship. She said the reason it concerned her so much was because she thought it would plague other relationships, and she always believed that Eren couldn't make it on his own-that he couldn't be independent.

"I was happy she accepted us, but it hurt to know that she would probably only accept us under the circumstances of Eren's anger issues and violent tendencies. Maybe I'm just thinking too much about it, but it's been stuck in my head almost everyday."

My brain shorts on me again, and all I can say to Mikasa's monologue is: "I'm really sorry, Mikasa."

She doesn't stop during my apology, "The reason I came to you is because you are the only one who genuinely accepted us, and I wanted to know why."

This night has been such an oddity already that this question surprises me. Mikasa, being the quiet and stoic person she is, is so much different when she allows herself to speak. I always knew the softer side of hers was shown to Eren, but when she shows this vulnerability to me, it takes me a moment to mentally and emotionally accustom it.

"Well, I guess..." I trail off in an incomplete sentence, rubbing my eyes a third time. "I guess it's just because it always felt normal to me. Even when we were really young, I always suspected it. I was actually sad about it because when we were kids-" I pause, flushing slightly, "-because I had a pretty big crush on you. When I got older, I saw the color of the grass, and I just became happy for you guys. You guys were perfect for one another."

Mikasa gives a sad laugh, and while it's another unusual thing for her to do, it relieves me somewhat. "You had a crush on me?"

I rub my eyes a fourth time, but this time it's because I'm embarrassed. "I-I did."

"I thought you were always crushing on Annie?"

I shake my head. "I didn't crush on Annie until I was older."

"By the way, what happened with you and Annie?"

A small pang of discomfort hits my chest, and I think Mikasa notices it, because she starts apologizing.

I wave her off with a tentative smile. "Don't worry about it. I don't mind telling you. You've told me everything you have, after all.

With a deep breath, I begin, "To summarize all of this, Annie and me dated a bit during high-school, but it felt unnatural. I was really happy about it, but it's easy to notice when something is off." I start picking at a hangnail because it is really bugging me. "I think with how seclusive Annie was, and with how terrible of a family life she had, she just desired general affection, albeit from anybody. Since I was so excited about the prospect of our relationship, I was blind to what our relationship was-two very confused people trying something they had never tried before. I don't think either of us realized, either, just how damaging a bad relationship is... Well, I didn't, at least.

"Annie grew a lot colder to me the more our relationship progressed, more so than what was customary to her demeanor. One morning before classes started, I saw her pull up in the parking lot. I went to knock on her window and greet her, but when I did, I saw her kissing a tall, dark-haired boy. They eventually noticed me, because I was just kind of frozen outside her window. It's weird because I think I always knew something like it was going to happen, but when it did, I was just frozen. It's similar to where you get a shot at the doctor's; you wait for the needle to pierce your skin and for the pain to set in because you know it's necessary for your health, but the pain still hurts. It's strange, because I do think that relationship was necessary for me to understand life itself better; how hurt people do things to hurt other people because they don't know what else to do with that hurt."

I always talk too much when I reminisce about past happenings, and knowing that I've gotten off track, I apologize, "I'm sorry, I'm starting to babble."

"No," Mikasa shakes her head, "I'm following you fine."

After I rip off that stupid hangnail with a small grimace, I conclude my story. "I would find out that the boy's name was Bertholdt, and like Annie, he was in a class above me. It's funny because I think he was more sorry than Annie was. He apologized profusely and it was impossible to get him to stop. It would have been funny if I wasn't so sad at the time. I told him it was okay, and though Annie and I never really said anything that concluded our relationship, I saw her smile with Bertholdt in same way Eren did with you, so I just went on with my life and did my best not to dwell on it."

"You didn't deserve that, though," Mikasa sourly comments.

I shrug. "Maybe not, but it's best to just let it go. Whenever I think about it, I start psychologically readdressing myself in ways I probably shouldn't. It's easy to distract yourself in the present with the past, and when the present becomes the past, you realize that all you did was waste time."

She nods, letting out a somber yawn.

"By the way, how did you know where my apartment was?"

"When you sent me that apology card after Eren passed, I kept the envelope for the return address. I always wanted to visit, but never had the heart to do so."

"Oh, that makes sense."

With closed eyes, we sit in silence for awhile, starting to doze off. I think both of us are physically and emotionally exhausted, remembering these dispiriting things that neither of us can ever change. While Mikasa informed me the frequency with which these solemn thoughts affect her, I can only imagine the impact they have upon her life. The only reason I am glad I missed Eren's funeral is because I didn't have to see her cry, though I feel like a coward that I wasn't there to at least comfort her. It's hard to explain it, but seeing her cry is one of the most upsetting things I have ever seen in my life.

"Hey," she says.

"Hey," I reply.

In a very uncharacteristically shy way, she asks, "Would you... mind if I spent the night?"

I shake my head, "Of course not. It's pretty late, anyways. Do you want to take my bed? I don't mind the couch."

She hesitates, "That would be nice, but... couldn't we both take the bed?"

Though my eyes were shut momentarily in this tired trance, they immediately snap open. We seem to both become flustered, and while waving her hands, she frantically explains. "I'm not trying to seduce you or anything, I just meant like when all three of us were kids, and we had sleepovers. I-I thought those were fun, but if it's too weird for you, we don't have to."

With a wavering voice and racing heart, I stammer out, "N-No, it's fine. We can do that... if you want to."

Once the awkward atmosphere dissipates a little, she gives me a kind smile. "I'm not the bed hog, either."

"I remember," I assure her while my burning cheeks begin to cool, "it was always Eren. He was the worst to sleep with."

That night, in the dimness of my bedroom overflowing with incomplete papers, and with Mikasa's ebony-haired head across from mine on a separate pillow, I can't help but notice that she looks almost completely the same as I remember her. While both of us are now in our early twenties and embarking on whatever careers we may be, the same safe sensation of comfort and mutual acceptance that was always there during our tripartite friendship with Eren has returned to me, and I forgot just how much I missed it. It imprints such a richly nostalgic feeling in my abdomen that it seems to rise up into my throat and causes my esophagus to burn. I almost feel like crying. Thankfully, before I am able to make a fool out of myself with tears, Mikasa says something:

"Hey."

"Y-Yeah?" I answer a bit too loudly.

"You look good with short hair, by the way."

"Oh, thanks." In a weird sense of nervousness, I feel it's only polite to compliment her back. "You look... good."

When no words follow this, Mikasa laughs. "You think so?"

"I'm sorry," I blush, "that didn't come out right."

"It's okay," she yawns. "You know, you're starting to act just like I remember," she says with an exhausted smile.

After Mikasa falls asleep and I am more awake than ever, I start to feel the warmth in my abdomen of something that is more than just the platonic love of an old friend. It makes me uneasy and guilty to think about, but maybe that crush on Mikasa never did die. It makes me nauseous to think about this feeling in the awareness that Eren has passed on, that Mikasa has been suffering ever since then on a continual basis, and that my stupid, selfish emotions just want to be reciprocated despite this. Maybe life shouldn't be so complicated. Maybe I should just stop thinking. Maybe I should just go to bed.

Okay, I'm going to go to sleep now. Goodnight.

Hello all,

It's been quite awhile since I've wrote and published anything on here, so hopefully this is well received. One of my favorite ships out of SNK is Armin and Mikasa, but I feel like they're a pretty unpopular ship, so I decided to write a quick thing with them. Hopefully the pacing is okay because it was one of my biggest concerns when editing this. It's exceptionally easy to make a story either too fast or much too slow, so hopefully it all looks okay.

Thanks for reading!

-Arreku97