This is a crack fic written by valasania-the-pale (on tumblr) and myself, exploring Salem's REAL motivations for the war. We chucked the prose back and forth across tumblr messaging over a number of days and then I tried to stitch it into something cohesive. This was the result. Enjoy!

Once upon a time, little did the unsuspecting people of Remnant know that their great enemy, Salem, had issue with more than just the Gods. Her true vendetta was against coffee—freshly introduced from a foreign land, she and Ozma had both tried it and fallen in love with the beverage, only to become horrified when they realized that Ozma had a lethal allergy to the stuff…

Now, she hunted down his reincarnations and anyone else who dared drink the stuff, punishing them for their blasphemy. It hardly mattered that today Ozpin sipped cocoa and was careful to stay 10000 feet away from Bart and his own coffee addiction. He'd tried to explain to Salem that murdering him was kinda as bad as what the coffee had once done, and that he hadn't touched the stuff in several lifetimes… we can stop this war now! Salem, however, wasn't fooled.

Despite Ozpin's protests to the contrary, she was absolutely convinced that he was still slipping caffeine into that cocoa. Her pursuit of the Relic of Knowledge was so she could ask how to eliminate the substance from the world, and whether or not Ozpin had reneged on his oath to never drink it again. (She'd kill him anyways, but she'd make it hurt… less).

Ozpin had already used one question for the century: "Where can I safely have a cup of joe? I've got the shakes…" Jinn's "You can't" had driven him to his knees in caffeine-withdrawal despair. Salem intended to use the Knowledge Relic to learn about his coffee infidelity, Choice to take his away, Destruction to get rid of every bit of coffee on Remnant, and Creation to fashion a new world—one in her image where the impact of the dreaded coffee was dead. No more coffee memes. No more cafe culture. She was fighting for FREEDOM, Ozpin. Why don't you understand this?

But Ozpin would not give up. It might take a thousand lifetimes, but he would one day convince her that coffee was not a curse laid upon humanity by the Gods, but indeed a blessing. Was it not that sip he'd slipped little Dorothy that gave her the hyperactive energy needed to summon her inherent magical talent? If only Salem hadn't slipped her those sweets as well, the ones that made his little angel snitch on him, they'd still be together, a happy family. Salem simply didn't yet understand the value of life and death—how the two were bridged by the magical elixir, the nectar of the gods

"They gave it to us for a reason," he implored her, bleeding out from another stab wound. "My ultimate curse is that I cannot partake of what has been gifted to humanity… but I will uphold their right to enjoy coffee, even if I cannot! Please, Salem. Your blindness has hurt us for too long. This must end. I'll do anything…"

Salem sneered. "Only your death, and the destruction of that poison entirely, will satisfy me. The gods have turned you against me!"'

"What if I start promoting decaf?"

"YOU DARE TRY AND APPEASE ME WITH THAT FILTH?"

"Please, Salem! It's all I have left… I haven't had a shot in three millennia!"

"AND THAT'S STILL TWENTY CENTURIES SHORTER THAN IT WOULD HAVE BEEN IF YOU'D KEPT YOUR WORD!"

"Do you have any idea how much I've suffered?" he asked, pleading now. "What it's like to see Bart whizz by every day and smell the coffee he carries with him? To have people asking me how I take my coffee and I'm forced to tell them it's fucking hot chocolate? To look at the incoming students and realize that the only color acronym that works for their team is CFVY?"

"There's only one thing to do then…" Salem said and proceeded to destroy Ozpin's beloved Beacon in order to remove temptation.

He was left a broken man. "THIS ISN'T WHAT I WANTED."

"But Ozma dear, by removing temptation from your life you'll have so much more time to appreciate the freedom you are now afforded," she said. "Freedom from the tyranny of addiction!"

"You monster…"

Salem only pouted. "Dust dammit Ozma, just give up your love affair with that damned poison and pay attention to me! Do you think I wanted any of this? To see you waste away before my eyes because of a single drink? To watch you fall back under its siren song when I finally had you all to myself once again? DO YOU?!"

Ozpin lifted his chin, glaring fiercely. "If you never loved me with my coffee addiction… then you never truly loved me at all."

Salem gasped.

"Now," Ozpin lifted his chin even higher, determinedly ignoring Salem's conflicted expression behind him, intent on saving the world from her evil intentions. "I am going to return to my coffee, to what's left of my school, to my calling, and my destiny. And my NEW lover, who accepts me as I am, coffee and all."

"You mean the alcoholic?"

"That as nothing to do with—"

"That has everything to do with it. He's as addicted as you are!"

Ozpin shrugged. "…then we really were made for each other."

Salem thus found her second objective: destroy all alcohol too. Soon, no beverage would be safe from her wrath…

And then, one day, along came the Silver Eyed Warrior out of the legends themselves. A quirky little ravenette with gradiated red hair, a tattered cloak, and a murder-scythe. Salem had found her nemesis.

"DAMN YOU SUGAR," she screamed. "GIVING HER THE STRENGTH TO CONQUER MY MINIONS. COOKIES SHALL BE ADDED TO THE LIST!"

Others tried to keep the Silver Eyed Warrior safe, begging her not to confront the wicked, powerful Salem. But the Silver Eyed Warrior was not to be intimidated. She could plough through a plate of cookies faster than any adult. Food fights? Her specialty. And there was still one more ace up her sleeve…

"I don't fear Salem's coffee or alcohol vendetta," she said, staring off into the middle distance. "I. Drink. MILK."

Far away in her fortress, within the Land of Darkness, Salem shuddered. "What is this feeling," she muttered to herself. "I feel… as though… someone I wish my daughters were more like before Ozma corrupted them has entered the fray. Someone beyond my power to intimidate and conquer…"

Little did she know that in addition to her formidable arsenal of milk, the Silver Eyed Warrior had also brought with her something blasphemous, something revolutionary, something… divine to the fight: "I take my coffee with cream and five sugars, thank you very much! Oooh! And some caramel please!"

While Salem shuddered from a feeling she couldn't quite name, Ozpin was discovering the first real hope he'd experienced in years. "Astounding," he thought, staring as the Warrior gulped down her sugar-laced monstrosity. "It's so doctored it's… it's… IT'S HARDLY COFFEE AT ALL!" After all these lifetimes he'd finally found it. The loophole they all needed!

One day in his re-built office, hands shaking in anticipation, Ozpin accepted a mug of the wonder-beverage from his prize pupil (truly a prodigy among prodigies, he realized—someone who could bring about world peace and defeat the sociopath who wanted to destroy humanity over a measly allergy and cold). Raising it to his lips, a shudder ran through his body as the fresh, delectable scent of caffeine reached his hindbrain. He sipped—

And choked. This. This…! A hand flew to his temple. It was so goddamn sweet. Oh, good god. Could people get sweet freezes like brain freezes? Thank dust for his immortality because Ozpin probably wouldn't have survived the first sip (truly evidence of the Warrior's strength, that she could chug such concoctions multiple times a day). And yet… he was able to take another sip. And then another. Ozpin shook with the joy of it. It wasn't his coffee, no, but it was something similar. A mix of his cocoa's sweetness and coffee's glorious caffeine. Remnant might have finally found balance…

And then the air began to quake. All around him the colors seemed to gain in vibrancy even as the shadows deepened. Ozpin's eyes widened even as he compulsively raised the mug again and again to his lips, sipping from the painfully addictive treat. He couldn't stop, even as sugar numbed his taste buds. What was this?

"Oooooozma…." A booming voice sounded through the air. He froze. He knew that voice. "You have brought together the gifts of the Gods and now we come to judge… humanity? Wait. Where are the relics?"

Oh. Fascinating. Ozpin watched as the shadows formed into the shape of a man, cloaked in violet darkness. On the other side of the room the shadows split to reveal the light behind them, those strands forming another man beside the first. The two Gods stood in his Beacon office, staring open mouthed at him. Behind them, the Silver Eyed Warrior stared as well before losing interest. She went back to her cookies.

This was his moment. This was his chance. "I have something far better, far more POWERFUL, than the relics you gifted me with," he said, offering Light what was left of the concoction. (It wasn't much.) "Behold, Humanity's greatest creation—the symbol of our unified efforts!"

The Brother of Darkness, bones creaking in distress as he staggered over to snatch the mug, raised it to his lips. It vanished into powder suddenly, violet flashing through black and red as he processed the drink.

Then, he held up one hand, and the telltale signs of magic appeared once more. "My gift…" he said. "I had taken it away? What…? How?"

"Impossible," his brother snapped, snatching the mug from his hand. He took the last sip for himself, the elixir turning to dust as it touched his lips. Though he had few features to speak of, Ozpin easily recognized the look of shock. "Magic," he whispered. "But how…?"

Behind them the Silver Eyed Warrior laughed. "Wow, for Gods you aren't very smart. Still don't get it, do you?"

"Hush, child," The God of Light said serenely. "You might have been bathed in my silver light at birth and bear my… uhhh."

The God of Darkness glared at him from the side. "Brother… we agreed. No avatars, no champions, and NO GIVING OUR POWERS TO MORTALS, DAMNIT!"

Ozpin grimaced, flexing his fingers together repeatedly. "Here we go again. Please don't dissolve me, or Ruby…"

"Oh like you haven't done the same behind my back," Light hissed. "Or am I supposed to just ignore the grimm possessed woman who has been hunting down my avatars?"

Darkness shrugged. "Who fight back. It's not my fault your creations are too weak to stand up to my own."

"That's not—how dare—!"

The Silver Eyed Warrior caught her teacher's gaze from across the room. "Are they always like this?"

"Sadly yes," Ozpin said, calmly trying to hide himself under his desk.

"Huh." The Silver Eyed Warrior stuffed her face with another cookie. "It's like that time Dad and Qrow yelled at each other after Qrow gave Yang whiskey for her graduation."

"I TOLD YOU THE REINDEER HORNS WERE AN ACCIDENT!"

"MY ASS THEY WERE AN ACCIDENT YOU'VE BEEN WEARING THEM EVER SINCE!"

Another cookie disappeared between her lips. "Scarily similar."

Another spark of hope. She was so very good at that… Ozpin's head popped up from behind the desk as fierce magic started wrapping itself around the Gods, gearing up for a fight.

"Ruby… what exactly did you do to cease these arguments between your uncle and father? Because if you have any insight, now would be an excellent time to share it." The magic in the room grew and Ozpin looked up in alarm as his hair began to float.

"I mean, I could guilt them into shutting up," The silver-eyed girl seemed thoughtful. "Usually crying can work when they're shouting—I don't like doing that though. Maybe… Wait. Got it."

The Silver Eyed Warrior walked up to the two Gods, ignoring the fierce glow of divine power with all the ignorant naïveté and undaunted boldness of a child. As they glanced down to see the insect walking near to them, her eyes widened, cheeks puffing up, and suddenly the glow died as silver eyes, wide in puppy-dog repose, bored into their souls with all the power of a lost faun.

"No…" the God of Light muttered, horrified. "These silver eyes… it's power beyond what I ever intended to bestow…."

"You have destroyed the balance, Brother," the God of Darkness growled.

"I am the balance," the Silver Eyed Warrior said, her conviction at odds with the small, fragile, utterly adorable look she was pulling. "You gave us tools, but we learned how to use them. Coffee. Sugar. Silver Eyes." They now bore a tear-like sheen to them and the Gods had to look away, overcome. "So. Are you two going to play nice… or do I have to start crying?"

Slowly, reverently, Ozpin put a hand to his mouth. He was witnessing history.

The two brothers—never allowing their heads to turn enough to look the girl directly in the eyes—cringed painfully at the mere thought of seeing those silver orbs brimming over with wetness.

"So…" The God of Darkness said. "I guess we're moving back in together?"

"Not on Remnant you're not," the Silver Eyed Warrior snapped, causing Darkness to flinch. Her gaze immediately softened. Which was somehow worse. "But otherwise I think that's a great idea. How about you? What do you think?"

Light scowled, but eventually nodded. "I suppose 2000 years is long enough…"

The Silver Eyed Warrior clapped her hands, startling them all. The allure of her eyes melted away and she was just a fearsome child again. "Nice! That's so, so great. Oh, by the way, wherever you move you've gotta bring your little sister along too."

Darkness blinked. "Little…?

"Sister?" Light finished.

"Headmaster? I assume you still have Salem's number somewhere around here?"

"I—she's not our… You know what? Never mind." Light trailed off.

Ozpin, eyes flying open, suddenly found himself frantically scrolling through his contacts before Ruby could change her mind and force him into marriage counseling instead.

"I'm unexpectedly okay with this," he muttered, ignoring the fact that Salem's number was still on speed dial. He shoved the scroll at Light just as it began to ring. The moment the God's fingers touched it Ozpin snatched his hand back. "Not my problem anymore."

A faint voice sounded down the line, grumpy and vaguely murderous. "Hello?"

"I'll let you take it from here," the Silver Eyed Warrior said, waving impatiently for them to go. "The headmaster and I have cookies to eat."

"And coffee to drink," he said reverently.

And thus, the people of Remnant were able to live happily ever after. Ozpin could finally die and be at rest after a lifetime of suffering and toiling for the good of humanity (after many, many decades spent drinking coffee to his heart's content). A farm boy in Mistral eventually worked up the courage to attend Haven Academy, clueless as to what could have happened in another life. Ruby Rose, our Silver Eyed Warrior, went on to become the greatest huntress of all time and a legend in the field, while her friends and team became equally legendary for their work across Remnant.

Meanwhile, in an apartment on the dark side of Remnant's broken moon…

"DARKNESS! YOU FORGOT TO CLEAN THE DISHES AGAIN, YOU LAZY FUCK!"

"SHUT UP, SALEM, YOU DON'T OWN ME!"

Which was, in many strange ways, their happily ever after.

~The End~