A/N - Having lost all motivation to continue this story, mainly because I didn't plan it out at all or know where it was going, I instead pretended it never existed. However, I recently returned to it and reread what I had written, and almost died of embarrassment.

So here's a rewritten version of the first chapter that smushes together a bunch of smaller chapters. I'm gonna do my best to actually write with some semblance of quality this time. The rewritten second chapter should be up soon, with some actual story progression as well.

Returning readers, it's a little different, so you should probably read it again. New readers, hi, hello, I'm bad with updates, but welcome to the show I guess.

There was a great, swirling cloud of light and sound. Colors danced before Hiccup's eyes, twisting around each other, condensing into shapes and then losing their form just as quickly. Sometimes a figure would begin to emerge from the oddly tinted clouds, but then swarms of blue or red or purple would pass in front, and it would vanish into the fog.

Hm. Something about this was a little odd.

Hiccup tried to move, but either his legs were stuck to the ground, or he didn't have legs at all. There was a humming noise too, and an odd hissing, like sand leaking out from someone's clenched fist. Hiccup found it interesting, but at the same time wished he was back in bed. He knew he shouldn't have gotten up this morning. Or had he gotten up at all?

The figure came out from the fog again, out from behind a tall shape made of yellow and green mist that disappeared in a swirl of brown and orange. Hiccup could make out more of the world now, and as he watched, the swirl solidified into a long, polished table. It was blurry, and it moved about within itself, like fog being blown in the wind, but it was there. The figure was clearer now too, and as Hiccup watched, it seemed to grow big flaps off to its sides, and a long rope that stretched away from its lithe body.

Hiccup squinted. "Toothless?" His voice was nearly inaudible beneath the booming racket all around him, but the figure perked up when it heard him speak. Hiccup heard the figure croon, and then a cloud of blue and grey drifted in front of it. When it passed, the figure was gone.

The blue and grey drifted up (it might have been down, his sense of direction wasn't at it's best right now) and spread across the void. It began to gain the appearance of a sky full of stormy clouds. More tables began to form as well, shades of brown and red drifting together and solidifying into one beautiful shade of amber.

Toothless bounded back into view. He jumped up onto the table closest to Hiccup and whined, tilting his head. Two green orbs slowly came into focus, and Hiccup realized they were Toothless' eyes.

"Toothless! Are you okay?" Hiccup shouted. The humming and hissing were starting to die off, but the sound was still deafeningly loud. "C' mere bud!"

Toothless whined again. He took a step forward, then leaped off of the table towards Hiccup. But before he hit the ground a cloud of green and blue swept by. Once again, when it passed, Toothless was gone. Hiccup followed the cloud with his eyes as it went by. It drifted up towards the stormy sky, then over to a separate cloud of red and yellow. They merged together into some kind of crest, dark, shadowy shapes inside each color too...liquidy to make out.

Little spots of light swirled around Hiccup's head. Hiccup reached out, wanting to touch one, but stopped to stare at his outstretched hand. He was as foggy as the rest of his surroundings, it seemed. He turned his hand, inspecting it from all angles. He could make out each of his fingers, but if he clenched his fist they all merged together into a murky, fleshy lump.

Hiccup let his hand drop back down to his side, shuddering. The sound was barely a whisper now, and the tables and crest and sky were slowly becoming clearer and clearer. There were walls now, too, and the little lights had gone to drift above the tables. The longer Hiccup looked, the more the lights looked like candles.

Then, so fast Hiccup almost missed it, the entire room snapped into focus. He stumbled back, finding that he could move again, and tripped over his own feet. He caught himself on one of the tables, and then slowly let himself sink to the floor as he took in his strange and beautiful surroundings.

The Great Hall (because what else could it be?) was lit by thousands of candles that drifted across the room, bobbing gently like ships in the sea. Four long tables stretched across the hall, laid with golden plates and goblets and cutlery, all shimmering in the candlelight. At the end of the hall was a fifth table, with expensive-looking chairs instead of benches like the other tables had.

Hiccup remembered the blue and grey sky that formed out of the mist. He looked up, and instead of a ceiling, there were dark, angry-looking storm clouds, rolling and rumbling with wind and thunder. It was just bright enough that he could tell it was day, but just dark enough that it was incredibly intimidating. It reminded him of Berk. Hiccup squinted at the place where the walls met the sky. There was a ceiling, but it sort of...blended into the sky. So it only looked like he was about to be struck by lightning. That was a relief.

Banners were hung from the ceiling, in all the different colors Hiccup had seen forming the crest. The crest itself was mounted above the table at the end, and now instead of blurry shapes, different animals decorated each color. There was a bird, a badger, a snake, and a lion, which he'd only ever heard of in one of Trader Johan's stories. It was much more magnificent than he'd imagined at the time. Did the animals represent tribes? He didn't recognize any of the symbols beyond a general understanding of what the animals were supposed to be. Maybe this was some sort of gathering place for the tribes of this land. The Chiefs would sit at the head table, and the villagers would sit at the other tables.

Except...there were four symbols, and way more than four chairs at the head table. Maybe the Chiefs and their heirs sat there? Maybe the second in commands, like Gobber and Spitelout, had seats there too.

Hiccup pulled himself to his feet. Well, foot. At least he still had his leg on him. He could make a run for it if needed. Speaking of which, where was the door? He turned, examining the walls for possible points of exit. There was a little door behind the head table, but that could lead deeper into...whatever this place was.

There. At the opposite end of the hall were two massive doors that stretched up nearly to the ceiling, just like in the great hall back on Berk. That had to be the way out. Hiccup strode forward confidently, then almost immediately caught his prosthetic on something and came crashing down. He made an embarrassing squeaking noise and tried to catch himself on one of the tables, but missed and hit the floor hard. His chin bounced painfully off the stone floor.

Hiccup lay there for a second, dazed, then lifted himself up onto his knees and shook his head. Tripping over things had gotten very old very quickly, but someone was usually around to catch him. He started to stand up but froze as something behind him hissed.

Hiccup slowly looked behind him, worried he'd accidentally pissed off some exotic version of a Terrible Terror, and almost fell over again in relief when all he saw was a very unhappy cat. There weren't many cats on Berk, not with the dragons constantly figuring out which things were Okay and Decidedly Not Okay to eat, but Hiccup had always liked the ones that stuck around long enough to befriend.

"Hey there little guy," said Hiccup, holding out his hand for the cat to smell. "Sorry for tripping on you like that. If it's any consolation, I think you hurt me more than I hurt you."

The cat hissed at him again and arched its back. Hiccup yanked his hand back before the cat could scratch him, and watched as it darted around one of the tables and disappeared. "Oh, that's nice," drawled Hiccup, rolling his eyes and standing up. "Sorry for annoying you with my friendship!" That last bit was aimed at the table the cat disappeared under.

"Right," muttered Hiccup, turning back towards the giant doors. "Escaping."

Once again, he only managed a few steps before he was rudely interrupted. This time, it was a loud bang from behind him. Hiccup jumped, turned to look behind him, then tripped over his feet and fell over. Again.

Someone had, very loudly and angrily, slammed open the little door behind the head table. The someone in question was also holding that stupid cat. Tattletale.

The someone was a man with grey hair, some scruff around his chin instead of a proper beard, and bulging, lamp-like eyes, not unlike the cat's. He was also approaching Hiccup quite fast, and he was yelling at him as he went, but Hiccup couldn't understand a single word of what he was saying.

Then the man was upon him, and Hiccup had to tilt his head back just so he could watch the man yell at him. He thought about saying something, then decided it wasn't worth it and he might as well just wait it out. It actually took quite some time before the man ran out of profanities to spit into Hiccup's face, and in that time, the cat had wormed its way out of the man's hands and was now rubbing against Hiccup's ankles in a very smug manner. He wanted to kick it, but he doubted that would go over well.

Finally, the man stopped yelling. He stood there wheezing, then crossed his arms and stared down at Hiccup, eyes narrowed. Hiccup got the impression he was waiting for a poorly crafted excuse. Unfortunately, considering the fact that Hiccup neither spoke the man's language or had an excuse, he was sort of out of luck.

The man's eyes narrowed even further when Hiccup didn't speak. He barked something that sounded crude, then when Hiccup still remained silent, grabbed him by the arm and yanked him to his feet, then started to drag him towards the door behind the table.

Hiccup stumbled after the man. He opened his mouth and nearly yelled at him to stop, but then remembered it would probably seem even more suspicious that he spoke a different language. Hopefully, he would just throw him out of the hall. Maybe Toothless was somewhere around. He'd been there, in that odd, in-between place, but then he'd gotten swept away. He'd have to find him first, then he could figure out what had happened.

The man dragged him through the door and out into the corridor. Hiccup did his best to keep up, but the man's strides were long and hurried, and he was almost pulled off his feet more than once. His metal leg didn't help matters at all.

Then they got to some stairs. Hiccup inwardly groaned, but he couldn't exactly tell the man to slow down. He climbed them as best he could, and managed to make it to the landing without falling to his death. Then the man stopped and seemed to wait for something. Hiccup looked up at him, confused, and almost said something, but then-

The staircase moved.

.

.

.

.

.

Six more flights of moving stairs later, the man finally stopped in front of a massive stone gargoyle. Hiccup rubbed his shoulder. He'd accidentally tripped on the fourth staircase, and the man had nearly ripped his shoulder out of his socket in order to keep them both upright.

Hiccup looked up at the man again, wishing he could ask what they were doing there. But before he could think of a way of communicating that particular inquiry, the man said a couple of words and the gargoyle came to life and jumped to the side, revealing a spiral staircase.

Hiccup sighed. At this point, he was less afraid and more tired of all this magic nonsense.

The man yanked him forwards and they stepped onto the staircase. It jerked into movement underneath them, carrying them up into the tower. Wonderfull. What was wrong with just climbing the stairs like a normal person?

Finally, they came to a beautifully carved wooden door at the top of the stairs. The man knocked, and Hiccup heard a new voice, presumably telling them to come in. The man opened the door and pushed him inside, nearly knocking him to the floor. Hiccup stumbled forwards, his arm finally released from the man's iron grip.

There was a desk inside the room, littered with odd tools and machines. Behind the desk was an old man. A really old man. Like, older than Gothi old. His beard was long and white, and he wore brilliant purple robes. He peered at them through his spectacles, furrowing his brows in confusion when he saw Hiccup. He stood from his chair and said something to the man, who replied in an angry tone, taking the opportunity to shove Hiccup forward once again.

The twinkle disappeared from the old man's piercing blue eyes. He clasped his hands in front of him and said something stern to the man. Hiccup found that the old man could be rather intimidating without doing anything at all. He gave off an aura of great power and intellect, and despite not knowing anything about him whatsoever, Hiccup couldn't help but immediately respect him.

With Hiccup's captor sufficiently cowed, the old man turned his attention towards Hiccup. He looked him up and down, eyes softening when they caught on his leg. He said something that sounded like a question, and with a start, Hiccup realized he was talking to him.

Maybe this was a good time to come clean.

"I'm sorry, but I have no idea what you're saying," apologized Hiccup. "I don't think I'm from around here."

The old man raised a bushy eyebrow. He hummed in consideration, then said something to the man. He scowled, but then left the room, leaving Hiccup and the old man alone. Hiccup gulped.

The old man smiled. He placed a hand on his chest and said the words, "Albus Dumbledore." Then he waved his hand at Hiccup.

Hiccup blinked. "Albus...Dubbledore?" What in the name of Odin did that mean?

The old man nodded. He put his hand on his chest again. "Albus Dumbledore." He gestured towards Hiccup, just as he had done before.

Oh.

Hiccup put his hand on his chest. "Hiccup."

The old man - no, Dumbledore beamed.

.

.

.

.

.

One awkward silence later, and the man from before had returned, this time with company. He grumbled at Dumbledore, then stepped to the side to reveal his companion. A very pale companion. A very pale, very much floating companion.

Hiccup stumbled back towards Dumbledor. "Draugr!" he cried, jabbing his finger at the dark spirit. A dead man, risen from his grave! "Get away! Draugr!"

The Draugr drifted closer to Hiccup, its feet barely skimming the floor. Hiccup backed away, shaking his head. This couldn't be happening! A revenant, a dead corpse walking. Draugr tormented the living, they drove people mad! Why was it here? Why had Dumbledore summoned it?

The Draugr peered down at him with a vacant expression. Then it opened its mouth and spoke. "You should not fear me, young Hiccup. I am no Draugr."

Hiccup froze, his fear momentarily forgotten. It spoke Norse. "How do you know me?" he asked the pale man.

"I was informed of your presence here in the castle by Mister Filch." the man answered in a bored tone. "He informed me that the headmaster thought me best suited for the job."

"What job?" Hiccup questioned. "Who are you? Who's Mister Filch?"

"Professor Dumbledore wishes me to teach you English, the language most commonly spoken in this part of Britain." Said the man.

Hiccup waited for a moment, but the man seemed to be done speaking. "What's your name?" he prompted.

"My name is Cuthbert, but you may call me Professor Binns. I am the History of Magic teacher at Hogwarts."

Hiccup frowned. "Is this a school?" he asked. "It seems too...fancy to be anything less than a great hall."

Professor Binns made a face and said, "I should hope it is a school, though the students never seem to learn anything."

"But if it's a school then where are all the kids?" Hiccup asked. "The students. Shouldn't they be practicing with their axes or shipbuilding or something? There's no one here."

"I don't know if any of the students actively practice with weaponry during the school year, but as it is currently the summer holiday, there are no students in the castle."

"Oh," said Hiccup. "How long until the students come back?"

"The holiday is almost over, the new term begins in a week," answered Binns.

"Wait," said Hiccup, suddenly remembering that the man he was talking to was floating and white. "If you aren't a Draugr, then what are you?"

"I am a ghost, spirit, phantom, whatever suits your fancy," said Binns, waving his hand about in a disinterested manner. "The students are under the impression that I don't know I've died, but, I assure you, I am quite dead."

Hiccup was supremely disturbed by this, and when he felt a hand on his shoulder he nearly jumped out of his skin, before realizing it was only Dumbledore. Hiccup had nearly forgotten Dumbledore and the other man were in the room with them. Albus said something to Binns in English.

"What's he saying?" asked Hiccup, curious.

"He would like you to take a test," answered Binns, refocusing on Hiccup. "He wants to know if you are a wizard."

"What?" asked Hiccup, brows furrowed in confusion at the strange term. A wizard? What was that?

Albus said something to Binns.

"He says that since you can see the castle, and the fact that you are here in the first place suggests you are magical." Binns translated.

"Magical?" Hiccup repeated.

Dumbledore spoke again.

"He would also like to know where you came from and why you speak such a foreign language," said Binns.

"Can we back up to the 'you're a wizard' part? And it's not foreign, it's just Norse."

"On the contrary," said Binns. "The Norse language is no longer spoken. At least, not the dialect you have been using."

Hiccup frowned. "That can't be right. As far as I know, the entire Barbaric Archipelago speaks Norse. It's not dead at all."

Binns opened his mouth to respond, but before he could, Dumbledore said something and the Professor turned to speak to him. Hiccup noticed that the man that had found him had left the room.

"Forgive the interruption, but Professor Dumbledore wishes to speak to you."

"Um, okay."

Dumbledore said something. Binns translated.

"First of all, I would like to apologize for the behavior of Mister Filch. He had no cause to treat you in such a harsh manner, and I will be speaking with him further."

Hiccup rubbed the back of his neck. He guessed that the man from before had been Filch. "It's not a big deal. Thank you, though."

Dumbledore smiled. "You are very welcome. Now," He clapped his hands together. "I think some explanations are in order. Professor Binns has explained to you the purpose of this place, has he not?"

Hiccup nodded. "He said it was a school. Called...Hogwarts?" The unfamiliar word felt strange on his tongue.

"Yes, although I would like to think that it is much more than simply a school."

Dumbledore turned away from Hiccup. "Everyone and everything in Hogwarts is magical," he said, staring out the window dramatically. "This is a place where these magical beings are safe and protected, housed and taught. Millions of witches and wizards have graduated from this school and have gone on to do great things." He turned to look back at Hiccup, who was already feeling overwhelmed. "And because you are magical, but you have no training, we would like to enroll you as a student here."

Hiccup held up a hand. "Let me stop you right there before this goes too far. You want to teach me," Hiccup gestured to all of himself. "A fourteen-year-old kid that just showed up mysteriously in your private magic school, how to be a wizard?"

Dumbledore nodded in a sage-like fashion.

"Nope!" said Hiccup, throwing his hands into the air and turning around. "Not happening!"

"Hiccup," said Dumbledore. Hiccup turned to face him. "You have potential. Simply the fact that you are standing here before us today suggests extreme magical talent. Wouldn't you prefer that talent to be used for good, for the benefit of others?"

"Of course, I just - I just can't," said Hiccup, frustrated. "I have to find my way back home. I can't stay here and learn how to cast spells. Besides.." Hiccup trailed off, thinking of the stories he'd heard about black magic and evil witches. Sure, they had seemed terrifying at the time, but so had the dragons. And witches and wizards were actually human, so that should be even less of an adjustment than living with dragons was bound to be.

Wait, why was he even considering this? He had to find Toothless and get out of here, there was no question.

But he had no idea where to start looking.

Hiccup scratched the back of his neck. The atmosphere in the room was starting to get a little awkward. "Look," he finally replied. "I'm not magical, no matter how much you seem to think I am. I haven't ever...I can't...I'm not a wizard, okay?"

"Of course not. That's why you're going to school."

"No," said Hiccup, pressing a hand to his forehead. "I mean, I don't have magic. I can't do it"

"Well," said Dumbledore, "If that were true, then you wouldn't be able to see this castle at all."

Hiccup frowned. "What?"

"Magic hides this castle from muggles-non-magical folk-so as to keep us hidden. If you were a muggle, then you couldn't have gotten inside." Dumbledore clasped his hands together. "My dear boy, haven't you ever done anything unexplainable? Anything odd, strange, or simply impossible?"

Hiccup shook his head. "No, I've never…" he trailed off.

Toothless.

That night, the night he shot down Toothless. His bola launcher, it hadn't been working. He'd been messing with it for weeks before that raid, trying to get it to shoot straight. There had still been a calibration issue when he'd fired it at Toothless, but he'd managed to hit him. And during their first flight together. After he'd fallen off, and Toothless caught him, and they were headed straight for the sea stacks. He suddenly hadn't needed his cheat sheet anymore, and he and Toothless had flown together on pure instinct.

And after they'd killed the Red Death. He shouldn't have been able to survive that fall. That's what everyone had told him afterward. Even with Toothless there to catch him, the infection in his leg should have been fatal.

But he'd survived.

Hiccup sighed. "Okay," he said wearily. "Let's entertain the possibility that I'm a wizard. How would we even prove that?"

Dumbledore smiled. "Just take my wand and give it a wave."

Dumbledore reached into his sleeve and pulled out a long, thin white stick. He held it out to Hiccup. He took it and immediately wanted to give it back. Something about it felt...wrong. Hiccup suddenly remembered every single drunken tale Gobber had ever loudly narrated in the great hall (the one on Berk) about black magic and dark spirits. No one had really listened to Gobber about any of it, mostly because he was the same man that brought them Boneknappers and the trolls that only stole left socks, but Hiccup was starting to believe him now.

Hiccup tightened his grip on the wand, steeling himself, then jabbed it at a pile of books next to Dumbledore's desk.

Green sparks blasted from the end of the wand, gathering around the books like flies to a carcass. They sizzled there for a beat, then dissipated. Hiccup dropped the wand as if it had burned him. It clattered onto the wooden floor with a condemning thud.

Dumbledore's eyes twinkled behind his glasses. "I'd ask you to be more careful, but I suppose there's no point in that now."

Hiccup shook his head. "No, I can't!" he started to yank at his hair. "I need to go home! There's so much stuff I have to fix! I have to make sure no one eats anyone else, and all the dragons have food, and all the sheep are okay, and I haven't even found Toothless yet, and-and-and-" he looked up at Dumbledore. "I just want to go home."

Dumbledore was doing a very good impression of an old man that knows exactly what a youngster is talking about. He was stroking his beard thoughtfully, and his brows were furrowed.

"Where is home, exactly?" he finally said. "Perhaps we can find it on a map?"

Hiccup sagged with relief. "Berk," he said. "It's in the Barbaric Archipelago."

Dumbledore said something, but Binns didn't translate. Instead, the spirit was doing his own "old man knows what's going on" impression. Hiccup waved his hand in front of Binns' face, but he didn't even blink. Hiccup glanced at Dumbledore, who, for once, seemed as confused as he was.

Then Binns flew through the wall.

Hiccup blinked. "I guess we're back to square one with the whole language barrier thing," he said, looking up at Dumbledore. Dumbledore blinked back at him.

Suddenly, Filch burst through the door, clutching an old book to his chest. Binns flew in after him.

Binns said something in English, then repeated it in Norse for Hiccup's sake. "Forgive me for leaving so suddenly, but when you mentioned Berk, it seemed familiar. Then, I remembered a book I once read that mentions the Barbaric Archipelago. Since I myself am unable to manipulate the physical world, I asked Mister Filch for his assistance."

Filch held out the book. Dumbledore reached for it, but before he could take it, Hiccup grabbed it. He stared at the cover in disbelief.

The Book of Dragons.

Hiccup opened it to the first page, reading a familiar inscription. Written, Illustrated, and Researched by Bork the Bold.

And below that, Revised by Hiccup Horrendous Haddock the Third.

Hiccup looked up from the book, only to find everyone in the room staring at him. "Where did you get this?" he asked Binns.

Binns ignored his question. "This book is over ten thousand years old."

Hiccup felt the floor jolt underneath his feet. "What?"

"It was discovered by Godric Gryffindor on a small island off the coast of Norway, many years before Hogwarts was founded."

"Ten thousand years old?"

"The book was inside a great stone hall. The stone foundations of a village were all that remained of the civilization described in the book."

"Stop!" shouted Hiccup, grabbing at his hair. "Stop! Let me think!"

It was impossible. Hiccup was just there! He had been on Berk just yesterday, and then he'd appeared in Hogwarts. It wasn't possible. It wasn't possible.

And yet here was the book.

And here was Hiccup.

Hiccup sighed. It looked like the decision had been made for him. He would stay here, at Hogwarts, and he would learn enough magic to figure out a way back to his time, and back to Berk. He would find Toothless, and he would make sure he was safe from these people, these wizards. He looked up at Dumbledore. "Alright, I'll learn."

He paused, waiting for Binns to translate.

"And then I'm going to find a way home."

A/N - Okay, so that was the rewritten first chapter of You're a What? The second chapter should be up either tomorrow or the day after, depending on how long it takes for me to proofread one last time, so watch out for that. It takes place during Hiccup's trip to Diagon Alley and includes Actual Plot, so that's nice.

Returning readers, I hope you aren't too mad at me for, one, taking so long to update again, and, two, completely scrapping several plot points and events that were previously included in this fic. I'd just like to say, from the bottom of my heart, my bad. Hopefully, the somewhat improved quality of my writing makes up for all of this.

Happy Thanksgiving!