Inner Demons

RUKIA

"Sojun! You mustn't run in the hall ways, it is not proper, what did your father say?" I asked my adorable three-year-old son. He had begun walking just before he turned two years old and once he had gotten the hang of it he began running, and he never stopped.

I smiled internally as precious memories from the day he was born flooded my mind. My beloved Byakuya had refused to leave the birthing room as was traditional, making the female elders who were to act as midwives scowl in displeasure. After all, he always broke rules when regarding myself. It always made me feel so giddy to know that I had the love of Byakuya Kuchiki.

He had sat behind me, cushioning me and comforting me with whispers of love and gratitude. It seemed unnatural from me as I was always fragile and soft spoken, but during labour I had cursed and after a particularly bad contraction I had purposefully elbowed him hard in the ribs. He held his breath in pain but kissed my forehead and continued reassuring me anyway.

We had been married for almost fifty years and yet we hadn't yet had a child, probably because of my poor health during our early marriage. It even seemed as if I had been a maiden once more almost ten years ago when we decided to start trying for a family. We were expected to produce an heir to the Kuchiki clan as compensation towards my low status as a Rukongai commoner. It was all I could do for them, to thank them for the life they had given me. It was the most significant way I could show Byakuya how much I love him.

Once I had birthed our son, the elders had taken him from me before I could even look at him. It was one of the sacrifices of nobility. The elders were responsible for bathing our newly born son and enchanting blessings on him after the birth. They were also supposed to name him a name that their wisdom befitted him, but I had requested to name him after Sojun, Byakuya's late father. Naturally, the elders told us that it was a curse to burden a new born child of one of the four great noble houses with the name and fate of a predecessor, but Byakuya had conceded to my wishes.

I was brought back into focus as tiny arms wrapped around my legs affectionately.

"Hisana-sama, carry me?" Sojun asked me hopefully. I smiled internally as it was disgraceful for nobility to show baser emotions such as affection. I often wished to wrap him up in my arms and smother him with love, but for the sake of appeasing Byakuya and the elders I had learnt to conceal my feelings and not act on them.

"No, you must learn that it is not proper to be carried like a peasant child. I love you very much but you must learn restraint and conduct." I told him gently and his eyes lost their hopeful sparkle. It tore at my heart but I had to act as a noble wife should, as a noble mother should, for the family's sake.

I looked behind myself secretly to watch him. As taught by his teachers, he walked three paces behind me and didn't dawdle. His eyes were sorrowfully downcast as I opened his bedroom door for him to enter. I waited for him to get into his bed before I blew out the lamp and prepared to leave the room for the night.

"Hisana-sama, I apologise for taking your time, but can you please sit with me until I fall asleep?" Sojun asked me quietly, his big fey grey eyes peering at me from beneath the covers of his futon. I sighed sadly.

"Your father has requested me to bed early tonight, perhaps another night." I said gently and saw the tell-tale gleam of tears in his eyes. He had already been taught that tears were disgraceful. They proved weakness and it was highly improper to shed tears. He would get hurt and stand back up. His throat would grow tort and his chubby cheeks would puffer as he bit his lip, but he wouldn't cry. Only once had he ever come to our room for wetting the bed, and since he had received a hiding from Byakuya he had never done so again. I suspected that the servants covered up for him since then. I pitied my son, he was just a baby and he wasn't allowed to grow up as a child should.

"I understand. Goodnight, Hisana-sama." He said sadly and pulled the cover over his head slightly to hide his tears. I left quietly. He would learn in time to hide his emotions as we do.

I walked to the kitchen and prepared our evening pot of tea.

"Hisana-sama! Please let me!" A young servant girl asked, I stepped aside letting her finish the task. I walked back to our bedroom and entered it silently. I kept my head respectfully lowered and bowed to Byakuya in greeting.

"Hisana, you have been very busy today, did you have a good day?" He asked me and I looked at him lovingly.

"Byakuya-sama. My day was enjoyable, yes. Was your own day productive? Being a captain of the Gotei thirteen must weigh heavily on your shoulders." I said sympathetically. He never truly smiled at me anymore as the years went by, but I knew he loved me more than anything in the world.

"It can be taxing, but such is the responsibility of the head of the Kuchiki family. I won't bore you with the trivial details." He said and reached for me before a knock was sounded at the door. The servant girl brought in our tea and bowed before retiring to the servant's quarters. We moved to the shoji doors leading to the garden and seated ourselves. I poured the tea perfectly as a proper noble wife should and waited for his compliment on the tea before pouring myself a cup and relaxing, feeling the breeze of the cool evening air on my face.

"Hisana, are you ill again? You seem in low spirits these past few weeks." He asked me, his voice was laced in affection and concern. I smiled at him, as I only ever did when we were alone.

"I am well, just a few troubling thoughts." I said softly and brushed off his concern. He didn't seem less affected however and placed a hand over my thigh.

"Troubling thoughts? Care to share?" He asked me gently. His eyes held all the love in the world but something was missing. The happiness, the smile that had once been in them was gone now. I thinned my lips as my smile disappeared.

"No, it's nothing important really." I told him and squeezed his hand on my thigh reassuringly. Honestly, I felt like I was living in a strange dream, and somehow, I was waking up little by little. It was disconcerting but I knew it wasn't a serious enough matter to worry him. When we were finished with our tea we walked around the garden for a while together in silent companionship.

I loved plants and gardening, I thoroughly enjoyed embroidery and calligraphy. Ikebana was my favourite pastime apart from watching Sojun practice what he learnt from his lessons from his teachers. I had desperately wanted to help teach him, but that wasn't a noble woman's duty, her only duty was to her husband.

We returned to our room relaxed and tired. I was about to get into our bed when his arm shot out and pulled me towards him. He kissed me passionately and places something cold around my neck.

"Is this what has been troubling you?" He asked me and spared me a rare smile that didn't reach his eyes. I looked at the beautiful golden necklace in surprise. I felt panicked as I ran through my thoughts desperately.

He held my face gently in his hands and lifted it up towards his own so I would look into his eyes.

"For the fifty-five years today that we have been married, I swear to you I have never forgotten and shall never forget the day you became my wife. I love you with everything I am, my Hisana. My heart will only ever be yours, no one in the world could make my heart beat like this." He said and released one hand from my face to pick up my hand and slip it under his yukata against his chest.

"I will always be grateful for the wonderful son you have given me and I know you suffer much at the mercy of the elders and I cannot do much to protect you from that. I only pray that your love for me endures and that through our long lives you will remain at my side always. I don't say it enough but, you are apricated, Hisana. Thank you for learning to love me." He said lovingly and squeezed my hand as he leaned down to capture my lips.

Our fifty fifth anniversary. How could I have forgotten? Though I would never tell him, I didn't really remember our wedding or how we fell in love in the first place, but somehow, we ended up here. I lay down dutifully on our bed as was expected of me, as thanks for my gift. I let him use my body as a good wife is supposed to. I didn't mind because I loved him with all my heart. A dull ache filled my head as we fell into sleep, and an over whelming nauseating feeling started in my chest. What was that? It didn't last long though before I was swept into unconsciousness.

I was asleep, but I was not. I could hear, feel, smell and see frightening things. Laughter. Manic, evil, ghastly laughter. Flashes of faces, both familiar and not. Black and then a flash of white and so on.

"Laugh while you can, you are through!" A familiar voice shouted in hatred. I knew that voice somehow. The laughter only increased as a young man tore his zanpakuto through his enemy. The opponents monstrous body split in half and his laugher died. Was his young man a Shinigami? Where was this place? It was so strange, it felt real, like I was just here only a moment ago.

"You may have killed me now, boy, but I will never truly die! I have in fact won! No one in the Soul Society will ever slip out of my grasp! Despair! I will ruin all of you! It would be too kind to kill you all now when I will be reborn once again, and when I am revived, I look forward to seeing the product of my genius!" The voice boomed throughout the room and I was hit in the face by a blast of light. Why was I so close to the enemy?

Wait, wasn't that Ichigo? Where is my zanpakuto?! Nii-sama? Nii-sama…!? It can't be. It can't be! My name is Hisana Kuchiki. I am lady of the Kuchiki clan, mother of Sojun Kuchiki, my son with my husband, Byakuya Kuchiki! But then what are these images. Lieutenant Abarai? Ichigo Kurosaki…I know you. I know you!

I leached forward with a scream of terror out of my sleep. I sat up and panted as tears of frustration and anguish poured down my face.

"Hisana! Hisana, what's wrong!? Talk to me? Are you not well? I knew it! I will- "Byakuya started and tried to comfort me but I quickly pushed him away from me viciously and grabbed my morning Kimono off the dressing stand before rushing into the bathroom and locking the door. I didn't bother hiding my loud anguished sobs! I looked at myself in the mirror and screeched. Without thinking I smashed the mirror into pieces.

"Hisana, please! What is wrong? Let me in! Are you hurt? Please talk to me! I can't bear losing you!" He yelled desperately from the other side of the door. I washed my face with cold water to wake myself up and quickly got dressed decently. I no longer possessed any of my own possessions or Shinigami uniforms. They had all been thrown out. Nothing of me existed anymore.

A sudden rush of panic and fear overcame me and I wrenched into the toilet bowl. I felt so out of place. Actually, I didn't feel like I existed at all. Over the last, what was it? Ten years? I have been 'Hisana'. As Hisana, I didn't remember having a sister. There was no 'Rukia'. I was no one now, not even to Byakuya and Ichigo. Ichigo! I haven't seen him in years! I have to leave. I have to find Ichigo!

I have to run away because honestly… I am so scared! Terrified. Chattering outside the bathroom door got my attention. The maids were trying to assist Byakuya in persuading me out of the bathroom. I cleaned my face once more and opened the door. I let Byakuya almost fall forward as I ran out of our room to my old bedroom. A hand pressed gently over my shoulder and I angrily shook it way as I opened the shoji doors.

"Please Hisana you must calm down! I didn't want to resort to this but you are leaving me no choice. Bakudo- "He began but I quickly knocked his hand away.

"Bakudo sixty-one: Rikujokoro!" I yelled and restrained him. His eyes widened in surprise and fear.

"Hisana?" He began before casting a deadly glare at me.

"No. Who are you?! Speak intruder! And answer me this, where is Hisana!?" He yelled angrily at me and I could feel him breaking through my Bakudo. What could I do? I couldn't stay here! I could hear the guards surrounding the compound and I shivered in fear.

"Nii-sama, please! Please tell me you know who I am!?" I screeched at him and his eyes widened in panic.

"Hisana-sama! Are you alright? I'm scared! I woke up because of all of the shouting!" A voice cried from the doorway and I fell to my knees and cried out in pain. A hand shot to my mouth in horror and another shot to clutch my aching heart. Even my own child didn't know his mother's true identity.

I had a child. I had a child with Nii-sama. My child. My child who I might not see again if I leave here tonight without him. I quickly stood up and held out my arms to the scared little boy. Without thinking he ran into my arms, even against his father's frantic yelling to stay away.

I masked our reiatsu and fled. I used Shunpo all the way to the academy. My zanpakuto should be here somewhere. It wasn't returned to me because it wasn't 'mine'. In fact, after the explosion we woke up in our bed together at home. No. His bed. A new wave of fear and sickness overcame me.

"Hisana-sama, I'm scared! Why was father so angry!" Sojun asked me in fear as he shivered in my arms. I clutched him to me tightly and kissed his head affectionately as I had always longed to. He gasped in shock but quickly cuddled into me more.

"Shush, love. Mother will explain everything that she can to you as soon as I find what I am looking for." I said and he nodded.

"Rest for now, though I know it will be difficult. Something bad happened in the Seireitei and we aren't safe at the moment which is why we are going to see mothers' friend, okay Sojun?" I asked him gently and he nodded.

I broke into the academy without a problem and blasted through the academy doors with Byakurai. Sojun watched me in awe and fascination. A smile unknowingly touched my lips. I looked everywhere. Everywhere and no Sode no Shirayuki. I heard hurried footsteps coming to investigate the room of sleeping zanpakuto's and I quickly used Shunpo to reach their archives. A tightness claimed my throat and I wanted to scream in frustration.

I started running again. I couldn't return to Hanging Dog because I knew Byakuya would look for me there. I couldn't step foot in the Seireitei either. And now without my zanpakuto I couldn't open a gate to the world of the living. Or couldn't I? Hanataro!

I fled as fast as my legs could carry me and hurriedly found and cornered the scared third seat of the fourth division.

"Rukia-san, is that you! Something strange just happened to me once I woke up! It's like- "He began but I placed my hand over his mouth and let my tears of fear leak from my eyes.

"I'm sorry. Hanataro please! Please open the Senkaimon for us! I desperately need to leave this instant! Our lives could be in danger!" I begged him desperately. He gasped and nodded. Sojun watched me with curiosity.

"I thought mothers name was Hisana-sama?" He asked me quietly and I smiled at him.

"No, love. My name is Rukia Kuchiki. I am called lady Rukia, Rukia fukutaicho, and Rukia-sama. You see, part of what has happened has made everyone forget something incredibly important, but only I and it seems a few others as well have discovered this. I am your mother though, and you may only call me that. I don't care what your father says, you will not use honorifics with me." I told him and Hanataro gasped.

"Rukia-san! I am so sorry that I forgot who you were! Please find it in your heart to forgive me!?" He begged ashamed and kneeled on the ground bowing.

"Please Hanataro, you are my friend and I never want to see you bowing to me again. Stand up. It is not your fault. It is not Byakuya's fault. Please open the Senkaimon to Karakura town now. You must understand my urgency." I asked him and shivered in pre-fear. Sojun looked startled and even more frightened, but he still trusted me regardless.

We stood at the empty captains' quarters of the thirteen division and a silent tear fell from my cheek. Oh, captain Ukitake. I miss you.

The Senkaimon was opened and we heard shouts coming from a distance away. I froze im panic.

"Hanataro, one more favour! I am sorry to burden you, but I need to sneak into the twelfth division and erase the records of my usage of the Senkaimon, please it is for mine and Sojun's safety. Afterwards I need to gather as many Shinigami who remember the truth as possible and work together. Until it is safer, until I know that we will be safe, I can't return. I will try to awaken Ichigo from my side." I told him and his look of fear turned into resolve.

"Wait, don't you want your zanpakuto? I know where it is! I won't let you down lady Rukia! Here please take this with you! it is a small flask of healing ointment for burns, cuts and scrapes, just in case." I gasped and grabbed his hand.

"Where is my zanpakuto? Please give it to me!" I asked desperately. He looked nervous and wrung his hands before looking up at me with regret.

"I'm afraid it is being held at central forty-six. I can help you get it through! But you need to stay here for a while. I am sure if you hide your reiatsu you can hide at in your room given to you as the lieutenant of the thirteenth division. Place seals and barriers around the room until then. Or do you want to go now?" He asked me and I felt faint.

"No. I am helpless without my zanpakuto. I'm not even 'Rukia' without it. Please Hanataro. We will stay here then, but please bring it to me." I asked him tiredly. He nodded and left after closing the Senkaimon. I held my breath as many footsteps and shouts echoed around outside of the captain's room.

I collapsed to my knees in exhaustion.

"Mother! Mother are you alright!?" Sojun asked me frantically with tears brimming his eyes.

"Shush, I will be fine. We will be fine. I am just tired from all the running, it has been a decade since I have had to run so much and I couldn't find my zanpakuto at the academy either so I have no choice but to rely on the help of trusted friends." I told him and took a moment to catch my breath as he encircled his arms around my neck lovingly.

"Mother, were you a Shinigami as well? You are behaving very different to how you normally behave." He observed thoughtfully and I pecked him on the nose affectionately.

"The person you knew me as was my older sister, her name was Hisana. I am a Shinigami, in fact I am the fukutaicho of the thirteenth division, I even have bankai like your father." I told him and he listened eagerly.

Once I was certain that no one was nearby I quickly Shunpo to my lieutenants' quarters. I locked the door behind myself and cast a special Bakudo on the room, disallowing anyone to see its occupants. I pulled out my futon and bedding and made a comfortable bed for Sojun and myself, not that I would be getting a wink of sleep any time soon.

"Mother, please will you lay with me? I am scared." Sojun asked me and I smiled down at him as I got into the bed beside him.

"There, now would you like me to sing for you?" I asked him affectionately and he nodded eagerly, staring up at me with his large innocent eyes. I smiled and began singing a lullaby. It wasn't long until he had fallen asleep. I held him closely as I recounted all my real memories.

I was sent to the Rukongai when I was a mere infant, I met Renji and my three other brothers there one day while they were running from a merchant after stealing some of his goods. We would play together and fight together, we would fish in the late afternoons or hunt in the early mornings. That was the only way we survived apart from theft. I am Rukia.

Three of our friends died during our upbringing. It was an accident, a hollow in the forest tore then apart before a squad of Shinigami arrived to kill it. We decided to enter the academy together, and through worrying over Renji not passing I wrote his name on my paper. Since he forgot to write his own name down I wrote mine on his own paper. I am Rukia.

I was called into the assembly hall at the administrator's office one morning for a surprise visit. That was the day I met Nii-sama. He looked at me closely but didn't speak a word, instead his attendant explained to me his desire to adopt me into his family. Because I looked…like his late wife…Hisana-sama.

I bit back a cry of anguish. What would my life have been like if I had never met Byakuya? Would I have found real love? Could I have chosen to give myself to the man who loved me, who I was in love with? Would we have a child born of love? A shiver ran down my spine as a soft warm breath was felt on my hand. No. Sojun was still my baby. Even if he was conceived...and sired…by a man I didn't love.

That wasn't entirely true. I did love Nii-sama. The years that past since he had saved me from Gin's blade and Souyoku hill, I had began caring for him as I am sure he did for me. We became closer over time, almost as if we were becoming friend, or at least real family. I could remember his arm hurriedly wrapping around my waist as the light hit us. He had been trying to shield me from it.

Silent tears wet my pillow. After years of ignoring my existence completely, we had become friends, family. I wasn't just Rukia anymore, I became Rukia Kuchiki. Now look at us. We will never be the same again. I knew that when he finally remembered he would also be in agony, but I couldn't help but grieve for my own loss.

My virginity had been taken by the wrong man. I had secretly looked forward to the day I would marry and give myself to my husband, the man I was madly in love with. And it was stolen away. I knew it wasn't Nii-sama's fault but that didn't make it alright. My brother had taken my maidenhood and made me his woman. My brother had me bare his heir.

I hugged my sleeping son closer to me. He was born of love, even if it wasn't love between his parents, and he is certainly loved now. I am just so confused. I have a child now, but what do I do with him? I knew I had to keep him with me, but I didn't think past taking him. And now Byakuya thinks that I am his enemy. He will try to kill me.

How many times had I laid beneath him? I felt so dirty and defiled. Just last night…he had, had me for his fifty fifth anniversary to my sister. My heart bled and my skin tingled with the ghost of touches that weren't meant for me. I didn't enjoy our nights together at all, and now I knew why. Now I understood what my heart and my subconscious were trying to tell me all along.

I couldn't go back home, not so long as Nii-sama stayed under the influence of the enemy. But who could I turn to? I needed to check on Ichigo but I couldn't just leave for the world of the living. What if Ichigo didn't remember me? What if he lost his abilities? My eyes focused on a long strand of my hair. Long hair. Mothers and wives kept their hair short for aesthetic purposes. I had no one I had to look good for. I itched to cute it off. I was not Hisana, I was Rukia!

I left Sojun asleep while I started the bath water in my bathroom. I opened the cupboard by the basin and brought out the emergency kit box and took out a pair of scissors. First, I cut my bang back to a shorter length and then I positioned the cabinet mirror with the mirror beside my basin and quickly cut of lock after lock of my hair. I didn't want to make a noise, but I took out the sheer and cleaned myself up a bit. There. Rukia Kuchiki.

I swept my hair up and deposited it into the trash can under the basin. I disrobed and neatly place my clothes beside me on the wooden chest of cleaning supplies. I washed my hair and scrubbed my skin vigorously. Every touch, I wanted to erase it. I couldn't clean myself inside I would certainly stay away from men in the future. Perhaps the twelfth division could help me by healing my bodies most intimate parts.

I sighed as I got out of the bath, thoroughly scrubbed red. I dressed and returned to my futon. I kneeled over my son for a few minutes, fully taking him in. He was a beautiful child. He had most of his fathers features, sadly. I couldn't try to allude myself as to who his father might have been. But I knew he had many of my features as well. Think hair like my own, and my stubborn bang. His ears were also very similar to my own, and his mouth was shaped like my own. He had his fathers face though, the same structure. When he is grown up he would no doubt be a carbon copy of Byakuya. My heart hurt at the thought.

I could feel Byakuya leaving the Seireitei, his reiatsu was flaring desperately. He was most likely going to Hanging Dog to look for 'Hisana'. As if he hadn't been through enough pain already. It was what he said sometimes that made me curious. 'Thank you for learning to love me'. Didn't they marry because they were in love? Was it one sided? What am I thinking, it's not my concern.

I was starting to hunger. Sojun would as well. I needed to find some food for us. Each division had its own cafeteria so it wouldn't be difficult getting food, especially with my Shunpo. I still had spare Shinigami robes in my wardrobe here as well. I got up quickly and took out a clean uniform. It smelt a little bad after ten years, but I would feel much more relaxed wearing it instead of 'Hisana's' kimonos.

After changing I woke Sojun up and told him to wait for me while I was gone. I sat him at my table and took out a jar of ink and a stack of paper. I told him to practice his writing while I went to get breakfast.

I browsed the ready meals and decided on dumplings and rice, and I stole a canteen of orange juice. I made it back to my room to see Sojun dutifully practicing his letters. I smiled happily. Maybe something good did come out of all of this after all. I retrieved glasses from my kitchen and set up the eating table for the two of us.

We ate in silence apart from his adorable questions every now and then.

"Sojun, would you like to accompany me to work once in a while on your free days?" I asked him and he gleefully said yes.

"Mother, if father has forgotten you then shouldn't you make him remember? I am sure that Byakuya-sama will protect us." He said innocently. I smiled sadly at him.

"Ah, but until he remembers me, I will be in most danger from him. It is best to wait until he remembers by himself. Your father is far stronger than I and I wouldn't be able to defend myself against him, especially since he can be a very unreasonable man at times, he won't listen to reason." I tried to explain.

"But mother, surely father would never hurt us?" He asked me sadly and I looked down at my food sadly.

"You see, Sojun, your father and I are adopted siblings. After my sister, his wife died he brought me into his family. I am not his wife and he has no love for me. I am certain that he will not harm you, but as he believes that I am his enemy he will try to harm me or take you from me. If you would rather return home I will take you back, but we may not see each other for a long while." I told him sadly. He had stopped eating to look at me intently.

"No, mother, I want to stay with you. I am just confused. Do you also not love father? Do you not love me?" He asked me sadly with tears in his eyes. I got up and walked around the table before kneeling beside him and opening my arms for him.

"I do not love your father, but I love you more than anything in the world. I love you more than any of my dearest friends, more than ever sunrise and every sunset, more than bunny rabbits and cute toys. I love you more than anything you can possibly imagine. Never ever question a mother's love for her child." I told him gently and stroked his head soothingly as he cried into my neck and held onto my front tightly.

"I love you too mother! Please don't leave me!" He begged in a small voice. I felt a pang in my heart. I swear I will always be there for you.

"I will always be there for you. Even if I died, I would always watch over you, love and protect you. You have my word as your mother and as a Kuchiki." I told him and he sniffled and looked up and me affectionately.

I was starting to grow restless. I needed my zanpakuto, but I didn't intend on letting Hanataro get into trouble for my sake. I could vividly feel his reiatsu at the tenth's barracks. I told Sojun to practice more writing and to draw if he got bored. He promised he wouldn't leave and would remain still if anyone entered the room. With great difficulty I left the room in search of Hanataro.

"Oh, Rukia-san! I am working on getting your zanpakuto for you, I just need to find someone with their real memories to help me." He told me and elaborated that three captains and three lieutenants remained their memories but were pretending everything was fine.

"I will go with you. My Kido is strong enough to fend off any one who would oppose us, I will use my zanpakuto to get us out." I told him and looked at me worriedly.

"Yes, but who will look after Sojun?" He asked me and I sighed sadly.

"He will be alright. Hanataro, who has regained their memories? I need to know in case I need help." I asked him and he nodded.

"Well captain Shunsui, captain Hitsugaya and captain Isane have regained their memories, sadly the more dangerous captains still don't know anything. But more and more people are remembering. Lieutenants Abarai, Matsumoto and Madarame have also regained their memories, and I forgot to tell you! Ichigo has made it back to us and is hiding out with Lieutenant Madarame." He told me and I gasped hopefully.

"Perfect! Ichigo and I can break into central forty-six together! Wait, if Ichigo is here, does that mean that Yoruichi and Kisuke remember as well? Are they here?" I asked him excitedly.

"Well yes, Yoruichi came with Ichigo but she ran off to the second division. Want me to take you to Ichigo?" He asked me and I nodded. We just barely managed avoiding Byakuya on the way but we made it safely to Ikkaku's room.

"Rukia! Man did I miss you! This whole thing is so messed up!" He yelled and Shunpo to me, squeezing me in a bone crushing hug. He looked older.

"I missed you too. I'm sorry about having to ask you for help so soon but do you feel like doing something reckless and dangerous?" I asked him teasingly and he laughed happily.

"Anytime, as long as you are with me! So, what are we doing?" He asked me and I gestured to Hanataro.

"Well, central forty-six has my zanpakuto and I need it back. Hanataro will lead us to where we need to go, but we need brute strength to get in and out. Also, we have to avoid Byakuya at all costs. It's a lot to explain but he will either want to kill me, or he will believe that I am my sister…Hisana." I said sadly and his eyes widened in surprise.

Hanataro, Ichigo and I looked over a map Hanataro had gotten from captain Shunsui. We decided to make our way in through the top. Ichigo would blast through it and he and I would try to find my zanpakuto. With any luck it would be in the room Hanataro said it should be and it would be as simple as in and out.

Ichigo and I stealthily made our way to central forty-six. Hanataro said that he would make sure our allies knew where we were.

"You ready, Rukia?" Ichigo asked me as he unleashed his spiritual pressure. I nodded and watched as he tore an opening through the roof. We jumped down into the room we had anticipated, the sealed or forbidden zanpakuto's.

"I found it!" I shouted happily as I ran towards Ichigo. I slipped my zanpakuto into my belt and quickly piggy backed Ichigo.

"Make sure to hide your reiatsu! We want to get away without being found!" I told him urgently as he Shunpo away, but before we could make it far enough a tornado of sakura swarmed around us. I gasped in horror.

"Nii-sama!" I exclaimed and his gaze zeroed in on me.

"Who are the two of you and where is my son?!" He shouted at me angrily.

"Ichigo, keep him busy, please do get hurt. I need to get away, quickly." I said urgently and he nodded and let me begin running before he gathered his reiatsu to preform bankai. However, before I could get far an arm encircled my waist. I looked up in surprise at Byakuya's hard, murderous eyes.

"Ichigo!" I screamed but before he could catch us, we were at a clearing somewhere far outside the Seireitei. I could still hear Ichigo far, far in the distance. The hand over my mouth released.

"Bakudo sixty-one, Rikujokoro!" He enchanted and I was frozen in place.

"What is this? I can not find Hisana anywhere, and therefore you are her! What is wrong? Have you lost your memories?" He asked me urgently and desperately. Tears fell down my face.

"Ichigo!" I screamed out with all my might. Please hear me. Please hear me!

"Is that, that man's name? What is your relation to him? He called you Rukia, who is that? For that certainly is not who you are." He told me and I whimpered in defeat. I couldn't run away, I had my weapon but I couldn't reach it! And Ichigo couldn't hear me.

"Please. Nii-sama, let me go! Even if I did explain to you, you wouldn't believe me! And a few of the captains could also vouch for me! Even captain Shunsui!" I said urgently. I gathered my reiatsu and broke free of his binding. I quickly Shunpo towards the Seireitei but he blocked me.

"You have not answered my questions, you will not leave until you do, and you will return my son to me." He told me angrily. I tried to make it past him a few more times but be blocked me each and every time. I screamed to the sky in frustration.

"Stop it! Just let me go!" I screeched and drew my zanpakuto.

"Dance, Sode no Shirayuki!" I said and released my zanpakuto. His eyes widened as he took in my blade.

"Do you remember me now? It is not my memories that are foggy, it is yours! You, everyone in the Soul Society has forgotten about me! My sister Hisana died fifty years ago, Byakuya! We were fighting a power race of enemies, the Quincy's! Ichigo defeated their leader but he did something to us before he died, he messed with our heads!" I told him and he narrowed his eyes at me.

"Basterd! Of all people in with world, how can you forget me! I swear I will never forgive you if you do not remember me! I refuse to suffer like this by myself!" I screamed and gathered my reiatsu readying for bankai. His eyes widened and his mouth opened.

"Remember me, Nii-sama! Bankai! Hakka no Togame!" I yelled and the entire clearing was encased in ice. An elegant crown of ice fit across my head and my robes, my hair, and my skin became the purest of white. I looked into his eyes in defeat before dropping my zanpakuto and falling to the ground in despair. I screamed as I cried.

"Remember me, Byakuya! I am not Hisana!" I screamed and cried as I lay on the ground. A thud and a clatter startled me into looking up. I shivered and sniffled but I could clearly make out the figure before me who stared at the ground in open horror.

"Nii-sama." I whimpered and let my body fall flat to the icy ground. I lay there trying to regain my composure. I sniffed and hiccupped and shivered. I decided to try and release my bankai. I stood up and breathed out clearly. Slowly. Slow…

"Ah!" I screeched in pain as a loud crack erupted from my arm. I bowed my head in agony and clutched the fissure in my arm. Another larger hand wrapped around my injury. I looked up in fear and tried to pull away.

"Release it slowly…Rukia. I will heal you once you are yourself again." He told me and I shivered. I looked up into his eyes. I gasped and quickly hid my face by turning it far away from him.

"You…remember me? Nii…Byakuya…?" I asked him sadly. He didn't answer me but I could feel his eyes on my face.

Once I was thawed out my blood dripped from my cut and the pain started returning. I looked at it and bit my lip as he healed me. I supressed many yelps and shivered violently. When he was finished healing me he smoother his fingers over my cut.

"Thank you." I told him and Shunpo away. He met me half way towards the Seireitei and stood in front of me again. I looked up at him in horror. I thought me remembered me!?

"Rukia…I…we need to talk before we head home." He said slowly and emotionlessly. I shook my head.

"It wasn't our choices, it wasn't our fault. But still, I want to take Sojun and live with Ichigo in the world of the living. I don't feel safe here, or wanted." I told him sadly as more tears pricked my eyes.

He walked towards me until he stood directly in front of me. I took two small steps back.

"I will not allow you to leave the Seireitei. And you most certainly are not taking my son with you." He said coldly and something inside of me snapped. I screeched in anger and anguish and slapped him hard across the face.

"I will do whatever I damn well like! And your son? I am not your wife, I am not Hisana. He is my son, and you have no claim over him! I just want to get away from everything and everyone that is hurting me, is that so wrong?! I didn't choose to bed you, I didn't want to have a child but what happened, happened. At least if we leave you can avoid the shame…" I trailed off and hid my face with my hands.

"There is no shame. And he is as much my son as he is yours. Let's figure this out together, Rukia." He suggested and placed a hand on my shoulder. I shrugged it off.

"No! I refuse to be anywhere without my baby! And I can't even look at you right now! I know it was neither of our faults but that doesn't make the pain go away! I wanted to give myself to my future husband, a man who I would be in love with! I only wanted to sleep with him! I wanted my children to be born of love! I can still feel you on my skin, I can still hear how you told me you loved me when it was really meant for my sister. I know how much pain you must be in right now as well but you can't even begin to understand my own!" I told him angrily.

"You have everything of me that I was unwilling to give, and I wish I could take it back. How can I live with you when I feel this way? I feel so worthless!" I told him and hit his shoulder angrily. I walked right past him towards the Seireitei. I would conserve my energy until I needed it. I already felt drained.

"I am sorry." He said and I stopped walking. I waited for him to continue but he didn't. I shook my head sadly and continued walking with my face down cast.

"I am sorry for taking all from you that I should not have." He continued and walked beside me.

"I can't take it back, but you know I would never intentionally harm you." He said sadly.

"But you did, and I already forgave you. And what's worse is that, you are the one man in this entire universe that could never love me. Why couldn't it have been Ichigo? Or Renji? I don't love them either, but I could have tried." I said forlornly.

"You are wrong. I have always loved you. And if you will please just try to trust me, I promise I will fix this mess with the elders. I will take responsibility for my transgressions and give our child the rights he deserves as my successor." He told me and I shook my head.

"You didn't hear a word I said, did you? I don't want to go home with you. And take responsibility for us? A loveless marriage? No offence but you aren't that good in bed either, there is nothing you can offer me that I want except freedom. I know you need an heir but why don't you try to find love again yourself and have your own child, born from love as children should be. Even if you did manage to 'fix' things at home, I am still your adoptive sister." I told him and continued walking forward until I was stopped. I closed my eyes and let my head lull lifelessly.

"I believed that the woman I loved was returned to me Rukia. I understand that your hurt it greater than my own and that it will affect your future and I am trying to help you. My heart is also fragile, Rukia. I do not deal with loss or the unexpected well. I don't want to lose you or my son. You can't just run away without trying to sort our lives out first." He tried to reason with me.

"And you wrong Rukia. Because of all the woman in the world, you are the only one I might learn to love. Please stay, let's try?" He asked me and failed to pull my arm free from him.

"The only reason you say that, is because you can pretend that I am Hisana isn't it? You know what? I noticed something while we were together. You weren't sure if Hisana would love you. And you weren't truly happy. You loved me, I mean her, but it was the love of a friend. You never once seemed in love with her." I told him and he startled. I continued walking forward.

"I will come home only because Sojun must be starving and I don't feel like feeding him unhealthy cafeteria food again. But I want my room back. Anything you gave me when you though I was her I want destroyed. The jewellery, the kimonos, everything." I said as we reached the gates of the Seireitei in silence.

He followed me to my lieutenants' quarters and I walked towards the bedroom looking for Sojun. I immediately grinned at the sight before me. He had found one of my chappy toys that I let here and lay in my bed cuddling it. I looked at the drawings near him and my smile vanished. Laying on top of very neat writing practice were drawings of the three of us. As a family. I wanted to hide it quickly but when I tried to cover it with a practice sheet a hand touched mine and I flinched away.

Byakuya picked up the drawing and I tried my best to ignore him. I was troubled. It was obvious that Sojun was too young to really understand that we weren't that type of family. I picked him up gently and the chappy toy as well before walking out of the apartment. I waited for Byakuya to exit my room before closing the door. He seemed back to his usual self.

After arriving at home, I went to the kitchen to ask the maids to bring a cup of warm milk to Sojun's room. I tucked him into his futon with the bunny and waited for the maid. Once she arrived gently woke him up and had him drink the milk sweetened with honey. Surprisingly, he went straight back to sleep. I felt my lip twitch in amusement. He must have stayed up waiting for me as long as he could before he finally fell asleep.

"It makes me happy to see you smiling like that, despite everything." A voice said at the door almost making me squeak in alarm. I glared at Byakuya before getting up and walking out of Sojun's room.

"Goodnight…Nii-sama." I said slowly. I honestly wasn't sure what to call him now. Byakuya was too informal, Byakuya-sama was too formal. Nii-sama was the normal address but now I just felt sick calling him my brother.

"I am not your brother anymore. You may call me by my name. Goodnight, Rukia. Do you want to sleep in our room tonight and prepare a room for yourself tomorrow? I will sleep in the study." He offered and I peeked up at him.

"I can't sleep in a bed that smells like you…us…sex…goodnight." I flushed and stuttered before I quickly Shunpo to my old room and brought out my old futon. I made sure to lock the door and the garden shoji door before I retired. I didn't bother changing into my sleeping yukata because I felt more at peace in my Shinigami uniform.

I forgot to tell Ichigo that I was alright. I debated getting up and finding him, but a dull ache in my bones made me decide to rest for a while. I needed to clean my lieutenants' room as well tomorrow. I was going to spend as much time outside and away from home as possible.