By Steve2
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. I do not own anything related to DC Comics or its characters. I do not own anything related to Harry Potter or its characters. This is just a bit of silliness that came to me and wouldn't leave until I put it to paper. Or something like that.
XX-o0o-XX
Approximately 27 hours later, Sirius found Superman on the Watchtower talking with a bloke whose head was on fire.
"Superman!" Sirius shouted. "Help me put this bloke's head of fire out!" Sirius had his wand out and started a water spell that douse the man as if he were being hit with a firehose. The spell worked like it should, but the fire was still going.
"Sirius!" Superman grabbed the wizard's attention. "This is Firestorm," he tried introducing.
"Names later! We have to put this fire out!" Sirius then conjured a blanket and put it over the man's head. It didn't help as the fire burned through the blanket.
"Sirius!" Superman stopped Sirius from any more spells and again tried to introduce the young man who was not only drenched, but had a smoldering blanket on his lap. "His name is Firestorm. The flames on his head? Part of his power. Nothing to worry about."
"Really? Fire on your head is part of your power?"
"Uh, yes?" Firestorm answered, getting off the floor and removing the wetness from his costume with a snap of his fingers.
"Are you able to sleep at night? You know, since your hair is on fire and all that?"
"I don't have any problems sleeping at night," Firestorm replied.
"Is your pillow able to withstand the flames?"
"Sirius, weren't you taking care of Bizarro?" Superman interjected.
Sirius was well-aware of the misdirection technique. He had used it many times before in his school days. Usually on the teachers. He'd follow up with the flaming head guy later. "Well, yeah," Sirius replied as if it were the most common thing in the world.
Superman smiled helpfully, and asked, "Then may I know why you are here now?"
"Well it's sure not to teach this guy here haircare tips. But seriously, how do you not set off these fire alarm thingies I hear you muggles have with that burning head?"
"It's an illusion, okay?" Firestorm replied since it was a question he got asked a lot.
"No it's not," Sirius waved the answer away. "I know illusions. That's not one. Besides, you torched the blanket I threw on your head."
"Sirius!" Superman again tried to get him back on-topic.
"Oh, right. Right. Okay, the plan to get Bizarro laid has borne fruit."
"What's that mean?" Superman replied with a little suspicion.
"It means that I found a couple pros… uh, near-capes who wanted to bag a big, bad superhero."
"Pros?" Firestorm was unsure what the word meant in that context.
"Professionals," Sirius explained with a wink.
"Professional capes?" Firestorm was still drawing a blank on the context.
"Sure," Sirius winked again. "Let's go with that."
"What?" Superman replied, a blank in his mind.
Sirius had him bamboozled, which was familiar ground for Sirius. He smiled and said, "I know, right? But they each wanted a go at Bizarro, so who was I to say no when he seemed up for the challenge, if you know what I mean, wink-wink."
"What?" Superman repeated.
"I know. And Bizarro was really up for the challenge. Three times. Each. I tell you, Cleavage Woman and Lady Soplo-Trabajo were most appreciative of the time spent with their new boyfriend."
"What?" Superman repeated.
Firestorm smiled as he knew what Sirius was talking about now. He definitely wanted to hear more of this story and motioned with his hand to continue the narrative.
Sirius suddenly remembered something. "Hey, did you know that whatever Bizarro is, he got both of them pregnant right away? They told me about it this morning when all three woke up. And their pregnancy is super-fast. Turns out they are already nearing the end of their first trimester, if you can believe that."
"What?" Superman repeated.
"I know!" Sirius replied to the unasked question that only Sirius heard. "I didn't believe it either, but then I took a better look at the women. Fairly easy since they weren't wearing clothes when they answered the door. They weren't really upset at being pregnant, but they seemed pretty ticked their skin was turning chalky-white and getting harder. Course that's probably for the best since the red light they, um, kissed under burned out sometime overnight."
"What?" Superman repeated.
"Yeah, you might want to check out the reliability of those red lights," Sirius agreed. "So now the two hookers, um near-capes that is are turning into Bizarro-women and are pregnant to boot. And they are both one-third along in their pregnancies, and let me tell you, once they realized they were one-third along, they were happy about that and not having to go through nine months of that if you know what I mean."
"What?" Superman repeated.
"Yeah," Sirius replied, making sure to pantomime a baby bump. "I'm pretty sure they are turning into Bizarro-women to accommodate the fetus. At least that is my theory based on some classes I took at Hogwarts. Let's just say it has happened before and leave it at that. Not that I'm talking from experience or anything. At least that I know of."
"What?" Superman repeated.
"At least no one has come forward to accuse me of… but enough about that," Sirius pushed that memory far away. "Thanks for asking by the way. As for the two former-hookers… er… former pro near-capes, well, I'm not sure what you're thinking about it, but I'm pretty sure this isn't a temporary thing. They look like they're going to convert into Bizarro-women."
"Did you talk to any of the staff down at Star Labs to confirm this hypothesis?" Firestorm inquired, hoping that the women would be okay.
"What?" Superman repeated.
"Sure. First thing I did. Second thing, actually. First thing was to get some pictures of that stupid grin on Bizarro's face."
"What?" Superman repeated.
"I'll show you later, Superman," Sirius replied with that lecherous wink of his. "We really need to finish up with the women who have been affected. After the pics, I called the tower and they sent over some eggheads to the room to get some readings. Good news: Bizarro's DNA is no longer fluctuating all over the place. Seems getting him laid did the trick I hoped it would."
"What?" Superman repeated.
"I'll explain later, okay? Not in front of the fire kid, right? Now the women saw the eggheads, and thought this was a group thing…"
"What?" Superman repeated.
"Gotcha. Sheltered upbringing on your part. I'll explain that later too. Anyway, the eggheads took out their gizmos and did some sort of scanning thingy and then said that what was happening with the women was permanent. Whoo-boy. Let me tell you that those ladies were not pleased at all. Getting all white, chalky, and then crystalline like that was not something they counted on. So I hit the ATM with your credit card and gave them a few thousand more for their troubles."
"What?" Superman repeated.
"Oh, c'mon. It was the decent thing to do since their genetic code-thingy, according to the eggheads, is converting to the Bizarro genetic code. But silver lining for that too. The two ladies have already demonstrated Bizarro-powers. They sure can shout. Once we told them they would likely gain all of Bizarro's powers, they seemed to like that and were okay with the crystalline look. As long as I slipped them another couple grand by tomorrow. Your card is maxed out by the way. Know anyone else I can get a couple thousand more from?"
"What?" Superman repeated.
"No? Hmmm. Maybe I'll just call home and have it sent. Anyway, I'd ask for a bigger salary from the JLA if I were you. Or a larger cash limit on that card. As for the ladies, once I gave them the sorry-for-turning-them-into-Bizarro-women-money, they brought up that they would need to go see their pimp. Now I figured they wanted to give him some of that cash. Turns out I was wrong. Since they were already showing signs of enhanced strength, they were thinking they wanted to beat the crap out of their pimp. Which, I tell you, I totally approve of. I even told them where he was."
"What?" Superman repeated. "I mean, how could you?"
"Easy, I met him when I was coming back in with the ATM cash. Just bumped into him. He went to the counter to see where his women were, and I went to the elevator. I know, I shouldn't have told them. But not to worry about their babies, the two women sent Bizarro Superman after him. Last I saw, the pimp was flying around 200 feet off the ground. Of course, that was due to a little game that Bizarro was playing: you know, throw up a ball, and catch it before it hits the ground. Or in this case, throw up the pimp, and catch him before he hits the ground. The two ladies were helping Bizarro Superman with the timing of the catch."
"What?" Superman repeated.
"Nimble little minxes, I tell you. They wanted to see how far in the sky Bizarro Supie could throw that pimp. His name is Roger Steinbeck, not DeeShawn Jackson like he had been telling everyone. Anyway, they made a game of seeing how long it took Roger to nearly hit the ground each time he got thrown."
"What else could go wrong?" Superman nearly facepalmed.
"Oh!" Sirius remembered. "He came near a jumbo jet a couple times. I hear some people got pics of him in the atmosphere. But not to worry. He didn't hit the plane or get sucked into an engine at all. It was all good fun."
"I don't know what to say to that," Superman turned to Firestorm.
"Same here," Firestorm replied.
"Yeah, me neither. But on the plus side, I did get both ladies to say they weren't going after any of the Republican senators that can't keep their pants zipped if you know what I mean, right?"
"What?" Superman repeated.
"I get it, man. Just Republicans though?" Firestorm wanted to clarify.
"Nope. Samantha Jones said she was going to swear off Republicans, and Miranda Hobbes said she was swearing off Democrats."
"I guess that's good," Firestorm nodded.
"Or was it she was going to quit swearing at Democrats. I'm not really sure. Their speech patterns were starting to turn Bizarro-friendly," Sirius said.
Superman shook his head to clear his thoughts. And likely to push what Sirius just told him out of mind.
"So, Sirius, I've been thinking," Superman began.
"Always a good practice," Sirius grinned.
Superman nodded in agreement. "I have been giving you pointers on using your powers in different ways. But how would you like to see the other side of heroing? The dark side that you need to bring justice to?"
"You don't mean…" Sirius started.
"That's right. I think you are at a point you need to visit Batman and see how to operate in his neck of the woods. Sound good to you?" Superman really wanted this to sound good to him.
"Well, I'm not sure…" Sirius hedged.
"The good thing about Batman's neighborhood? Lots of villains you can practice against. They are everywhere in Gotham. You can't sneeze without hitting a villain there," Superman smiled that hero-centric smile of his.
"Well, you sure do make it sound tempting. Lots of villains, right?"
"Absolutely."
"You sold me on it," Sirius nodded in agreement. "I'm going to pack my bags and head for Gotham."
"You do that and I will alert Batman you are on your way," Superman smiled the smile of one who just got rid of a headache.
"Thanks, buddy!" Sirius grinned back.
XX-o0o-XX
One phone call later, Batman said into the receiver: "This is payback, isn't it, you bastard?"
"No, not at all," Superman replied. "What's that, ma? Chores need to be done? Okay. Batman, I gotta go. He'll arrive in Gotham on the 5:22pm Express. Good luck."
"I'll get you for this, Clark."
"You'll try," said a smirking voice.
XX-o0o-XX
Author's Notes:
Okay, I admit to shamelessly swiping the layout concept for the final Sirius/Superman conversation. It is obviously not a conversation that actually happened in a book, comic, or movie, but the overall style of it did happen in a movie. I'll give you three hints: the movie was a comedy in the late 50's, the lead actor died in 1980, and the scene in the movie was part of a non-English dialog in an otherwise English-speaking movie. The first person to give me the name of the actor or the movie will get a special shout-out in the next chapter.