a/n: I'm so damn bad at writing comedy, but I want to be better! cries in romdram

–––

The Idiot's Guide to Shinobi Dating

–––

I

When in doubt, one cannot go wrong with flowers.

"Here," he said, handing the disheveled kunoichi a severed arm. The wrist flopped grotesquely. "I thought you'd want this."

Sakura gaped. "I–uh… thanks." She received the limb as gracefully as she could, holding it gingerly at its gushing elbow. The fingers curled like petals, skin peeling off in short tendrils like leaves.

"He was the one you killed, right?"

"Uh, yes," she nodded. "The guy with the mismatched eyes?"

"Yeah."

"Right. That's the one."

"Great." He brushed past her, one hand in his pocket and the other holding his book up.

Sakura blinked at the appendage, then up at Kakashi. What was she supposed to do with this?

–––

II

If one is not yet familiar with the object of their affections, keep gifts small but thoughtful. Extravagant gifts may leave the object of affection uncomfortable. If already familiar, gifts that illustrate history will be well-received.

She'd made it back to Konoha just in time for her 22nd birthday, bruised and scraped as she may be. From the gates, she only had to drag her feet another couple of miles, hurl herself into the shower, scavenge something appropriate to wear to Ino's, then crawl a few more miles to the blonde's house to celebrate her special day. Easy peasy.

…who was she kidding? She was gonna pass out at the gates and let Izumo carry her back to her apartment. She crumpled to the ground, and said shinobi immediately leapt over the counter and to her side, pulling her onto his back.

"Tough mission?"

She'd been gone, alone, for three months. "You beautiful angel, you," she grunted. "Marry me."

"Add another tally to the board, Kotetsu. Half those marks are you, Sakura." He bounded in the direction of her apartment.

"As they ought," she mumbled before suddenly pulling her head up and drawing her eyebrows together in concern. "Wait, only half?" Izumo chuckled, and Sakura let it go, letting her head bounce limply against his shoulder as he raced over the rooftops.

When he dropped her at her apartment, she thanked him and fished for her keys, propping herself up against her door. She watched Izumo disappear into the distance before turning her doorknob, falling into the room with a groan when the door swung open. Cool tile met her face, and she allowed herself a moment or two of prostrate rest before she began inching towards the carpeted flooring.

"Planning to audition for the children's center's play?" A familiar voice asked. "Are they doing 'The Shinobi and the Snake' again?"

"If you're not going to be helpful, get out of my house," Sakura said, voice muffled. "How'd you get in anyways?"

"Well, you haven't closed your door yet."

"You weren't waiting for me inside already?" She finally managed to pick herself up, brushing lint off of her.

Kakashi looked at her blankly. "Do you usually expect someone to be at home waiting for you, being single and friends with people who primarily make a living not being in town?"

"I ask one question," Sakura muttered under her breath, pulling her uniform over her head and throwing it haphazardly as she made her way to the bathroom. Kakashi dodged the flying article of clothing deftly. "Why're you here?"

"You're late. Ino was worried you would ditch out of exhaustion."

The shower began to run. "I don't understand Ino," he heard Sakura say exasperatedly. "The bar will always be there. I'm going to be 22 for 364 more days– hopefully. Plenty of time to celebrate."

Kakashi shrugged to no one. "I don't feign to understand that girl either. She's your best friend, not mine."

She didn't bother to respond to that. "Can you pull something out of the closet for me?"

Kakashi's eyebrows tilted upwards. He looked pained. "Like what?"

"I don't know," she called back, voice faint. "Use your best judgment." Sighing, Kakashi did as he was told before returning to the seat he'd taken on her couch. The tap turned off shortly after, and he heard Sakura make her way to her bedroom. There was a loud snort. "Really, Kakashi-sensei? Why don't you just grab me a trash bag instead?"

"I'm sure you would look just as nice in a trash bag, but I think your friends would appreciate some show of effort."

Sakura poked her head out of her doorway. "That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me."

"And that's a very bold lie."

She grinned before ducking her head back in. "Learned from the best," she responded, voice carrying quietly through the rooms. She came out a second later, surprisingly in the dress he'd picked, which was not a dress at all but one of the uniform shirts she'd borrowed from Choji once and had never returned. The swirls that were supposed to land on the shoulders came to her elbows.

He raised his eyebrows. "Not half bad."

Sakura smiled at him as she rolled up the sleeves. "Think it'll piss Ino off?"

"I'd hazard a guess at absolutely."

"Great, let's get this show on the road."

–––

She'd pissed off Ino alright, who'd kept trying (for half an hour, as guests were arriving) to drag her into her room and force her into something else. Sakura, who valued comfort and getting a rise out of Ino, plied her close friend with drinks until Sakura was just an unrecognizable dark blur with an odd pink tuft.

Her plan backfired though because upon seeing Ino so sloshed, Naruto had declared a contest to see who could catch up to the other blonde fastest, and now Sakura had her forehead pressed against the cool granite countertop of the bar as the rest of the room spun. They'd surreptitiously replaced Rock Lee's shots with water, and now Ino was dancing somewhere in the crowd with him and his eternal Spring of youth.

"Are you alright?"

Sakura turned so that her cheek lay on the sticky counter. She blinked blearily at Kakashi with just one eye, almost as if she were doing an impression of him. "Hm?"

"Nevermind. I'll bring you home."

"Already?" Sakura croaked.

"Well, it's 3 in the morning."

That seemed to wake her up a little. Her head shot up, then she winced and he looked at her sorrily. When she finally seemed to find herself, she asked, "Are you okay?"

His eyebrows knit. He was entirely sober (not that drunk-him and sober-him acted that differently) and was pretty sure that that was clear, so what was she really asking him? "What do you mean?"

"I know this isn't your usual scene," she said apologetically, smiling wryly at him. "Although I guess your crew is all here. I'm glad Ino thought of that."

"They're your teammates as much as they are mine," Kakashi said, grabbing her bicep when she got up and stumbled.

She smiled serenely at him in the otherworldly way that only the drunk can manage. "Thank you, Kakashi-sensei." Her face turned thoughtful. "Although I guess if you're just my teammate now, I can just call you 'Kakashi-senpai,' huh?"

He patted her shoulder. "'Kakashi' is fine."

Her smile turned impish, and she placed her palms against his cheeks, standing on her tiptoes. Kakashi tried to pull away, but her grip tightened threateningly, effectively squishing his face. "Good, 'cause 'Sakura' is just fine, too."

"I've been aware of that for several years now, yes."

"Alright, Mr. know-it-all. You just know everything, don't you," she slurred, shaking her head while trying to train her eye on him. Judging by the way her pupils were moving, she was seeing three of him.

It seemed like the alcohol was starting to hit her more heavily than it was before. Kakashi tugged her arm gently over his shoulders, resting her weight on him. "I think it's time for you to get some rest. You've been gone for three months on your own and we had that other mission right before that. You haven't had a break."

"No rest for the wicked!" Sakura chirped, letting Kakashi haul her over the treeline. He landed at her door and fished through her pockets, in search of house keys. A minute or two passed before something finally jingled under his nose. "Lookin' for these?" Sakura wriggled her brows, falling into hysterics as Kakashi stared balefully at her. "I keep them in my bra when I know I'm going to drink," she informed, raising a finger and adopting a bright, pedagogical expression that still did nothing to hide her intoxication. "It's usually not a problem because my bra will never come off, unless I end up sleeping with someone, but then I just wake up the next morning and find them in the room, so it's still usually not a problem!"

She'd told him this before, actually, but he wasn't about to go fishing around her bra. It was safer to pretend he didn't know where her keys were and let her just give her little spiel. "Well," he said like every time before, "I'm not about to go fishing in your bra."

"I'd let you."

Kakashi turned her keys and opened her door, already too used to this to react. The first time it'd happened though, he'd raised his eyebrows, though his eyes had stayed neutral.

"Thanks, Kakashi-kun," Sakura sang as she stumbled into her bedroom.

His eyebrows shot up upon hearing that, because that was a first.

–––

The next morning, she pulled her covers dramatically over her head and moaned in retribution, grabbing clumsily at her nightstand for the painkillers she kept there precisely for days like these. Dry-swallowing the pill, she let herself sleep in.

–––

When she was finally able to make it out of bed, she found a cylindrical glass vase on her kitchen table. There was a gift bow stuck to it like an afterthought and a card under its base. She ambled over, taking the vase in one hand and reading the card in the other. He'd scribbled his henohenomoheji into the corner.

For the arm. HBD.

She raised her eyebrows.

–––

III

Leaving small signs that one is thinking of them will foster deeper affection.

The morning that she returned to the hospital, there was a sticky note pasted to the inside of her locker door. Sakura pulled the piece of paper off of the metal, inspecting it owlishly for signs of fraud.

Nope. That was definitely Kakashi's henohenomoheji. Why was he digging around in her locker? And letting her know that he was?

Frowning, she folded the note into a neat little square and dropped it into her lab coat pocket.

–––

The next day, there was another sticky note. The day after, there was yet another.

She received a note every day and began to feel disturbed. Was she going to have to change her locker code every day?

...would that even stop Kakashi?

An alarming thought raced through her head. Had she done something to incur ANBU's constant observation, and this was Kakashi's way of trying to warn her? She looked down at the unmonumental yellow note, carefully taking stock of the smiling caricature scrawled on it, inspecting it for hidden messages.

...yeah, no, there was nothing she did, Kakashi was just being odd.

Perturbed, she left the note there this time and cleared her pockets of the previous days' folded squares.

–––

IV

Familiarity breeds attraction.

The first time Kakashi considered Sakura as a "possibility," well, it was a long story. He would have to first qualify that he'd long thought Sakura was an incredibly attractive person that he had the good fortune of being close friends with. Smart, talented, and hardworking, whoever she ended up with could consider themselves incredibly lucky. Granted, they'd have to keep up with her temper, but that had never been much of a flaw to him so much as it was a point of humor.

Anyhow, it had started with Naruto, who usually accompanied Sakura home drunkenly, managing to drink himself to near-death, which was quite a feat considering how quickly Kurama helped to metabolize alcohol. So in his stead, Kakashi took Sakura home the one time. Perhaps he should have been disgruntled with Naruto's unpredictability, but he was far too used to it now, and Sakura turned out to be an amusing drunk.

When they'd reached her apartment door, he'd patted her down in the appropriate places, perplexed when he'd felt nothing. "Lookin' for these?" She had singsonged in her sake-stupor, reaching a hand into her bra and pulling out her keys. Kakashi, initially alarmed, had froze, eyes blank but eyebrows raised, wondering if he was allowed to touch them if they'd touched her… y'know. He got his answer when she practically hurled them at his face. "I keep them in my bra when I'm going to drink!"

"Ah," he'd said, keys warm in his hand because they'd been pressed against her skin for several hours. "Well, I don't think it'd be appropriate for anybody to fish around in your bra, so maybe it's best if you find a new place to keep them."

Sakura had looked up at him coyly from under her lashes. "I'd let you."

"Pardon?"

"Fish," she'd said, mouth curling felinely as though there were anything inherently sexy about aquatic animals, "in my bra."

Kakashi hadn't responded, just lugged her into her bed while she'd giggled hysterically over his shoulder until her head had hit her pillow and she'd fallen headlong into sleep. Once he'd found her painkillers, he'd left them on her nightstand and then hightailed it outta there.

When Naruto had realized that Kakashi would assume responsibility when he couldn't, the blonde completely forwent responsibility, period, for the rest of the outings, trying to outdo his previous drinking record every time.

After the fifteenth outing (there sure were a lot of birthdays and holidays and things to celebrate), Kakashi had approached Naruto (during the daytime, because nights were no longer reliable for any shinobi in the village, apparently) who had been sitting at Ichiraku with Shikamaru and Rock Lee.

"Ah, Naruto," Kakashi had begun. The blonde was immediately alert, shoving his wallet into his coat and pretending he had no money to spare to pay a bill that his former teacher may leave him with. Kakashi ignored this.

"Mornin', Kakashi-sensei!"

"We need to discuss Sakura's designated walker." When Naruto blinked at him, Kakashi explained, "Whoever walks her home when she's drunk."

"What's the problem?"

"It might be better for a girl to take the mantle."

Puzzled, Naruto finally stopped shoveling noodles into his mouth. "What makes you say that?"

"It doesn't seem prudent to let any more guys take her home when she offers to let them feel her up."

Shikamaru, Rock Lee, and Naruto all looked at each other blankly before simultaneously turning back to Kakashi. "Huh?"

Several things had clicked in Kakashi's brain the breath after: First, all three of the (now) jonin in front of him had most likely accompanied Sakura home at one point, judging by their reaction. Second, they all had no idea what he was talking about. Third, that meant Sakura had only made the offer to him.

"Did I say Sakura?" Kakashi said chipperly, typical benign smile lifting his face. "I meant Ino."

"Aaaaaah," the boys said in unison, understanding dawning on their faces. "Yeah, we already know about that, Sensei." Naruto said indifferently, returning to his broth. "We're working on it. TenTen and Hinata have both volunteered."

"Good idea," Kakashi nodded, taking out his book and continuing down the road.

He'd hummed a bit to himself as he'd made his way to the training grounds. It seemed Sakura–or at least her subconscious–had a crush on him.

He could work with that.

–––

He started going regularly to the hospital. Not for checkups (never for checkups), but to leave a note in her locker (she kept the combination on her fridge–shinobi were odd like that: entirely too private but completely too yielding all at once) and to sometimes even loiter in her office, much to Sakura's ire.

One such morning, after he'd stuck his henohenomoheji into her locker and greeted the other nurses who'd been in the chamber, he made his way into her room, seating himself in her chair and turning to face out towards the windows, reading his book. When he heard the door click open, he spun lazily to face Sakura.

She immediately shrieked, dropping the scrolls in her arms. He hopped neatly over the desk to help her pick them up, taking note of her shaking hands and preparing himself to dodge possible punches.

"Bastard!" She growled, placing the scrolls down with more than a normal amount of force. "What do you want?"

He looked at her forlornly. "To see my favorite former student?"

"Bullshit," she fumed. "Try again."

Today was rather hot. "Air conditioning."

"I'll take it." She collapsed into her seat and got a start on the first scroll. Kakashi stood on the other side of her desk. After a minute, Sakura's eyes flickered up to him, concern clouding her irritation. "Are you okay?"

"Fine," he replied, taking one of the waiting seats at the side of the room now that he knew she was aware of his presence. "Just spending time with you."

He caught the way her mouth quirked to the side, even if she was rolling her eyes.

–––

"Are you planning to spend the entire night here?" Kakashi said, finishing his 347th reread of Icha Icha Tactics, three of which had been in Sakura's office these past few hours. Sakura motioned to the cot in the corner he hadn't noticed before. He shook his head, making an unagreeable noise. "That's not okay, Sakura."

She had barely put a dent in the pile before her. "I have to read through every case report once every quarter. It takes about a week, but once it's done, it's done."

"When's the deadline?"

She shrugged. "None really, as long as it's done within the quarter."

"So you cram them all at once?"

"It makes it easier to find possible themes. I've tried reading them as I receive them, but I don't make as many connections."

"At least get dinner."

"Really Kakashi," Sakura sighed, waving her hand. "It's fine."

"My treat." Ha! He just saw her eyes dart to him! And now she was lowering the scroll to look right at him!... and now she was narrowing her eyes suspiciously.

"What's the catch?"

He adopted a wounded expression. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"You've never paid a bill in your life, Kakashi, not with Team 7 at least."

"You and I alone don't make Team 7."

Sakura's face twisted oddly for a second, but whatever it was that she was contemplating seemed to convince her to accept his offer. She rolled the scroll up and left it at her seat, locking her door on the way out.

"Did you have anything in mind?" She asked, peering at him curiously.

"I've heard good things about that new tempura place."

Sakura blinked stupidly at him. Her brows creased. "But you hate fried foods!"

He looked at her with something akin to surprise. "Do I?"

"At Ichiraku you always order the tempura ramen and ask for it without the tempura and fried onions!" She cried incredulously.

Kakashi made a puzzled noise. "I didn't think anybody would notice."

"You didn't think anybody would notice you asking for your tempura ramen without tempura?"

"Well, when you put it that way…"

Sakura grumbled under her breath something that sounded blasphemous before grasping tenuously at her patience and asking Kakashi, "Anything else you're up for?"

"You like tempura, don't you?"

The odd expression she'd hosted earlier when he'd said they were eating alone returned with a vengeance. "I do, but there are plenty of things I enjoy"–

"Tempura it is."

He walked on while she stood speechlessly in place.

–––

He returned every other day, and Sakura began to think that Kakashi must have very deep pockets to be treating her so often.

It took her two weeks to finish the scrolls now that she wasn't pulling late nights, but she did finish.

–––

V

If one must be away for a prolonged amount of time (extended missions, for instance), let the object of one's affections know. This will prevent miscommunication or confusion.

Another birthday, another drunken night. Kakashi held Sakura up by her sides outside her apartment. "How are you going to get home after that celebration next week?"

Her eyes grew large and distressed. "You're leaving?"

He raised his eyebrows at her inordinate concern. "For two weeks. Ebisu needs a stand-in for his new genin team while they escort someone to the Land of Waves."

"When?" Sakura clutched at his flak jacket, looking up at him as though she were the heroine of Icha Icha and Kakashi had just announced he was taking a suicide mission straight to hell for her.

"Tomorrow," he pried her fingers off of him one by one, or else she'd never remember to fish her keys out. "We leave at noon."

"You'll come back?"

That… that was a little sad. Kakashi frowned at her, not that she could see it. "Of course."

That seemed to do the trick. She wrapped her arms around his neck and buried her face in the crook of his shoulder. "Good. I'd miss you otherwise." After a beat, she reached into her bra and retrieved her keys. "Here you go. I keep them there"–

"When you know you're going to be drinking. I know, Sakura." He smiled as he opened her door, leading her in gently.

She looked at him with exaggerated surprise before she started laughing so hard she doubled over. Climbing into her bed still chuckling, she beckoned Kakashi over, and he made his way to her side warily. When he stood over her, she beckoned him closer still, motioning for him to bring his face to hers.

If it weren't for that fact that he'd never seen a sign that Sakura remembered anything when she drank, he wouldn't have let her pull down his mask like she did.

Or plant one on him like she did.

"Good luck," she said with the kind of easygoing flippancy not usually reserved for kissing someone 14 years her senior who'd also once been her teacher.

"Thank you," Kakashi answered, highly amused because it was a D-class mission.

–––

He stopped by her office the next day and told her that he'd be gone for two weeks.

Sakura looked at him oddly. "Okay."

"Just wanted to let you know."

"Okay…"

"To the Land of Waves."

Puzzled, she asked, "Are you okay?"

"Why wouldn't I be?" There was that insipid little smile again.

Her mouth thinned. He'd never bothered to inform her in the past when he was gone, she wasn't sure why it was any different now. "I'm just not sure why you're telling me this. Do you need me to look after Mr. Ukki?"

"I thought it pertinent that you be made aware of my location."

Her brows furrowed. "Are… are you going to be okay?"

"It's a D-class mission and I'm subbing in for Ebisu with his new team."

"Oh," Sakura said, surprised. "That's nostalgic, isn't it?" She smiled.

Kakashi smiled back, then, "How about a kiss for luck?"

She looked at him like he was absurd. "What luck do you need for a D-class?"

"Ah, so you'd kiss me if it were higher?" When she didn't respond, only able to look at him with a mixture of fury and complete disbelief, his eye creased. "I'm actually an hour and a half late, so I'll see you in two weeks!"

–––

A month later, Sakura approached Kakashi on her way to the gates.

"I'm leaving for two weeks."

"Oh?"

She scuffed her toe against the dirt of the training grounds. "I just thought I'd let you know."

He grinned. "Is everything okay?"

Huffing, Sakura shook her head furiously and brushed past him. "Nevermind," she snapped. "I just–this crazy idea–when last time you told me–I don't know what I was thinking."

Kakashi grabbed her by her arm, and she yelped as she stumbled back. When she found her footing, her eyes were flashing and she looked ready to tear him a new one. "Where to?"

"Suna," she bit, squinting at him like she was mapping out how to mangle his face. When he pulled down his mask, her expression changed to one of having had the wind knocked right out of her. "Wha-What are you"–

So he planted one on her. For a second she tensed in his hands and he could feel her bewildered gaze on him, but it only took another second for her to melt into him, eyelashes brushing against his face as she curled her fingers into his vest.

Just as she sunk further into him, beginning to twine her arms around his neck, he pulled away, smiling in that characteristically vapid way of his (which looked entirely less apathetic without his mask on) as he chirped, "Good luck!"

He caught a good look of her stupefied expression just as he vanished in a gust of debris.

–––

VI

Most importantly: just be yourself!

Two weeks passed quickly, and before he knew it, she was standing at his front door, chakra signature flaring brightly as she readied herself to probably knock down his door with her fist–except she backed away at the last minute.

So he opened it anyways and was met with her wan-looking face. Then she squeaked, "You never told me."

"It was more fun that way. Was that what your mission was for?"

She winced. "Yeah. Shishou thought the memory issue was problematic and made me go to Suna to work it out with the medics there."

"That's very smart of her."

"Don't change the subject," Sakura said anxiously, looking frantically at the floor like she was certain treasure would turn up if she just glared hard enough. "What were you doing?"

Kakashi smiled at her. "You're cute when you're embarrassed." She couldn't glare any harder at the floor, so she just turned a vibrant shade of red instead. "I was courting you, I suppose."

"Courting me?" She choked.

"I like you," he said simply. "And you like me, despite how well you hide it, even from yourself."

Her gaze turned incredulous, and she finally managed to look him in the eye. "What if I'd never gone to Suna?"

Kakashi shrugged, canting his head. "I would have told you eventually. It was just fun."

"Great," she mumbled dryly. "I'm in love with someone who won't hesitate to use me for their amusement."

He perked up. "In love?"

She immediately looked at him with abject horror, then looked away, slapping a palm across her face. "Fuck me."

"I'd love to."

Whatever breath she'd been inhaling grabbed her by her throat and throttled her. "Kakashi!" She cried, this time covering her face with both hands and groaning.

Kakashi raised his eyebrows at the suggestive sound. "You're making this very easy."

Choosing to ignore his comment, she instead asked, "When?" But when he opened his mouth to respond, her own mouth fell open into a revelatory little 'o'. "The arm!"

"That was when I started, yes. When I realized was just shortly before that."

"The first night you took me home."

"Mhm."

Sakura shook her head slowly, looking awed. "You're… you're sneaky."

"Really? Do you think I could make an occupation of it?" Maybe he was playing with fire, treating her epiphanies so glibly, but it gave him great pleasure to bait her.

She prodded him in the chest with a finger. "Ha ha, very funny." Withdrawing, she folded her arms, poised for his response–but none came. So her gaze turned shy, and she looked away as she asked hesitantly, "So… what now?"

Kakashi pressed a hand into the small of her back, easing her into his apartment as he pressed his masked mouth to her neck. His voice was warm and low and inviting as he murmured into her ear, "Now we go fishing."

–––

"You know what?" She burrowed further into his shuriken-print comforters and his side. "Now that I think about it… I should've known. I did think you were acting weird."

He looked at her blankly. Sakura puckered her mouth in pensiveness. "The sticky-notes, the tempura, always taking me home…" Then she looked at him oddly. "And the arm. Though I'm still not sure I understand what that was about."

"A sentimental reminder of a well-fought battle."

Sakura laughed. "Would you want an arm?" When he was silent, Sakura hmmed. "Maybe next time ask yourself what you'd want from me?"

A thoughtful shadow drifted across Kakashi's face.

–––

The next time he came over, he left a gift on her kitchen table as he was leaving. She didn't notice it until she'd come back from her shift, but when she unwrapped it, she raised her eyebrows at the signed and illustrated edition of Icha Icha Paradise.

––– end

a/n: i'm not perfectly satisfied with it, but i'll let it be because it's practice. This might end up being my drabble collections for kakasaku because I like the title HAHAHA I'm also in the middle of a kakasaku multichap that is being a pain in the ass and also a kakasaku longfic (that might turn into a multichap) that was not supposed to be a pain in the ass (it was supposed to be short and easy(er) like this one...) but turned into a pita anyways. I guess I just like to make things hard for myself.

it's really weird but also kind of comforting that no matter how far i stray, i always end up back at kakasaku. i guess they're my otp! :")