I was actually going to make this story a one shot... ¬¬ HA!

Well a few things you should know first. Of these so called memories, not one is from the actual series, except one in the second chapter -_-' *cough cough* anywho…

My first Inu-Yasha fic dedicated to my favorite couple from the series and current obsession. Where both at the same time reflect on their time together and blah blah, you've already read the summary…. *coughs again* um the things between the squiggly lines are memories (~~~)

Disclaimer: ¬¬ come on now, it's not all that pleasant to say…!  "Oh yes… I forgot I'm not the very rich, creative, wonderful, talented and semi-God who created Inu-Yasha…." ¬¬'

T-T *sobs*

***

"Oyasumi nasai Sango-chan…" Kagome said from her sleeping bag

I smiled back watching her cuddle into her sleeping bag with Shippou over her chest. It didn't take long for either of them to get to sleep. With the soft clatter of the starting rain outside, I hoped there wasn't going to be thunder tonight. A bit of envy washed over me, wishing I had such few preoccupation's at night. Knowing Kagome was constantly in the same danger as I, also with a life of her own to lead of course, but she never seemed to let anything get to her, that was, anything that didn't involve Inu-Yasha.

I turned to see him just having stood up and now making his way to the door, probably to go sleep on the roof.

"It's starting to rain Inu-Yasha…" I said to his back

"I'll sleep on the porch."

"Oh, ok… Oyasumi nasai…" I called out to his back, he mumbled something I took as his answer.

Some couple they made, both arrogant, proud and stubborn as hell. I smiled, Nothing seemed to get to Kagome as long as that Hanyou was ok. And Inu-Yasha was as fine, so Kagome was as well... unlike me. I looked over to the closed door and then down to where I had laid the supplies and ordered them out.

That was one reason I always had trouble going to sleep at night, especially after something like this had just happened. Why did that Houshi have to be so damn stupid? I looked up to the door again, long since having lost my patience. I told him to come back early. I felt a bit of worry edge into my mind. A very normal feeling whenever I was thinking of him. The rain might get heavier, what if he caught a cold?

Kirara who was cuddled up beside me rubbed her head against my leg, a sign that she wanted attention. Placing a soft hand down over her ears I stroked her head and pushed my hand down her back. She would always make me smile as I knew I always had her company. Who would have thought she would become the only living being I could relay on. It wasn't as if I didn't trust my friends, I would lay down my life for any of them, unfortunately for me, they would as well, and I needed no more deaths in my life for now.

Stroking Kirara's back I noticed her ears twitch and move towards the door. I looked up expectantly and hopefully, barely hearing footsteps through the wooden door and over the songs of crickets and other nocturnal animals, along with the soft patter of raindrops on the roof. The door slid open and unintentionally I let out a secret sigh as a chilly breeze from the rain came in. Mou... could he be any later? He hadn't noticed me, as he tried his best to close the door as quietly as he could with one hand, staff and all. After it was shut he turned to find me sitting on the floor looking up expectantly him.

"Oh... I'm sorry, did I wake you."

Mou! He forgot? I raised an eyebrow at him. "I haven't gone to bed yet, because I was waiting for you to return."

"Hontou ne?" As I suspected, his lips pulled up into that familiar smirk of his. I sighed to myself not really in the mood for his dumb comments, so I spoke before he could.

"Houshi-sama I told you today while we were eating it was time again. It's been three days…" I looked down at the supplies by my lap then back up at him. He followed my gaze and his smirk died down.

"Oh, gomen, I forgot, but you didn't have to stay up and wait for me, we could have done it tomorrow."

"Iya... I told you today and it has to be done today... besides I stayed up any how. Come and sit down."

It was better to get this over with, I hated having to do this and he knew it, but I couldn't let anyone else do it, as it was my responsibility in a way. Arranging the supplies I watched as he came over and sat down, his back to me. He lay his staff by his side and then pulled his violet bow, undoing the knot. I took the drape off and waited for him to loosen his robes. He groaned quietly as he moved his shoulders to loosen it. Taking the neck of the dark fabric, as gently as I could, I pulled it down, watching him take his arms out of the sleeves, revealing the lean muscles of his back and shoulders. As soon as he did this and settled back still, came the reason why I hated doing this so much.

Guilt. I had seen his back before, a bit shocked the first time I did so, none the less I still couldn't shake off the feeling of sorrow whenever I saw him. All over, from his neck down to the hollow of his back, each a sign of pain and suffering from some point of his life, some really old and fading, others too recent and still pink, were scars. I looked over to his right shoulder, where over it, and a section of his back, were bandages, stained a pale pink color from the wound under them.

This was the reason I was doing this right now. Because it had been my fault to begin with. My fingers on the small tie of the bandages, I began to fiddle with the knot. Having it un done I loosen them from over his shoulder. He moved his head just a bit to the left. I sighed to myself, and he obviously heard turning his head a little before deciding not to look back at me. I had to remember not to do that when I was doing this. Now he probably thinks he's being a burden to me, as always.

He said it to me once. While I was tending to him after a fight with a youkai a while back, I remember it so clearly and wanting to just take him in my arms and give him the smallest sensation of being loved by some one.

~~~

"I told you to watch out for yourself. 'I'm fine Houshi-sama… I can fight alone Houshi-sama, take care of yourself Houshi-sama', remember any of that…? Mou if you would only listen once in a while maybe you wouldn't get into so much trouble, I understand you were just trying to help but besides the fact that I barely receive help from anyone I told you before that I was fine, and everything would have been if you had just left me alone to fight." I spoke impatiently cleaning an ugly gash on his right arm.

"And if that weren't enough, that youkai almost tore your rosary off, then what would you have done? Not even the effort you put into saving me ne? for me and everyone else to get sucked into it…"

I bit my tongue and felt him tense up under my hands. I had gone too far and I knew it. But I was just mad! Mad at him for not listening to me, and mad at myself for letting this happen to him. But that was no excuse, I had just touched the only subject I had ever known him to be afraid of. I knew it was what he feared the most, and yet I had let it slip. I shut my eyes still contemplating my own stupidity. He didn't say anything for a while, and since I was no longer complaining to him, a very disturbing silence filled the small cabin, but I was too embarrassed to say anything, instead I kept working on the wound.

"I'm sorry for being your burden."

My eyes widened as I stopped my work on his arm. Not really wanting to, I looked up at him. My face saddened at that forced smile on his lips. He gave a small sigh, and no longer able to look at me, stared down at his lap. Guilt ate me up inside, and I burned with anger at myself.

"Houshi-sama, you're not…" I started, my breath was caught in my throat when he looked up at me and I could do nothing but look into those indigo depths, he had such strange eyes, indigo… I had never seen such a colour. I found myself doing it again, feelings unknown to me welling up inside and pushing to get out.

"I…" I stopped myself… what was I thinking? No, I couldn't do this… I knew what those feelings were, but I wouldn't let them develop. I promised myself never to feel this way about a person again, especially one I knew I could loose. I bit down the words that would probably link me more to him and stared down at his arm. Then momentarily back up at him. He smiled sadly at me.

"I cause too much trouble, you shouldn't bother… I can finish up myself, it was my fault after all…"

Now to this I would say something, he couldn't bandage himself with one hand. I opened my mouth still a bit edgy from my almost eruption of feelings, when he got up, pulling his arm towards him and gathering the bandages. He didn't say a word as he made his way out of the hut hurriedly, and I did nothing but watch.

The door slid shut behind him and I was left alone in a room full of silence, with nothing but my troubled thoughts. My brows furrowed and my fist clenched. Why was everything so complicated…? My fist slammed against the floor.

~~~

Since that incident, every time I had to do this, none of us ever talked. It was one of the strangest times with him beside me, and one he never tried to grope at me, I guess getting injured wasn't something to laugh or joke about.

The last bandage peeled off his skin to reveal the deep puncture about the size of a large marble just below his shoulder. I swallowed hard at the guilt rising in me, like almost every time. It should have been me. Beside me was a jar Kagome had brought with her from her time, very effective as an antiseptic but I didn't like to use it on Miroku.

But knowing my medicine had run out a few days back I didn't have much of a choice. I dabbed my fingers in the clear ointment and rubbed the wound softly. He fidgeted, but didn't say a word or do much else, I felt the muscles of his back tense at the burn on his skin.

Always the same… always. I grit my teeth. With a clean cloth I removed the excessive medicine from his back and took some clean bandages in my hand, unfolding them. He never had any consideration… he was willing to die for me.

Why?

The worst part about it was, I really didn't even know why, I still don't know what his feelings are for me, and he knows it. But why doesn't he show me if he knows I'm confused? Is it because I won't like the answer? Holding the first piece of bandage in place I started to re wrap the wound.

He was afraid… just like me. Afraid to love, and be loved, to loose someone again, he wouldn't love anyone as long as he had that damned hole in his hand. Kagome told me this was the real reason he had never asked me the ridiculous question of whether I wanted to bear his children or not. He didn't want me to be like his mother. I found out she died when she gave birth to him, he had told me that story personally, I gave a bitter smile, another time when I had been stupid enough to not do anything.

~~~

It happened again, I had that horrible nightmare with Chichi-ue and Kohaku, and as always I wouldn't be able to go back to sleep, so I had wandered off out of the forest to the open hills. The night air was warm, it reminded me of him. I shook my head, I really should be thinking of more important things than lecherous no good monks. I sighed to myself and leaned back into the damp grass, a flower by my side caught my attention.

I looked at it for the longest time, sure I had seen it somewhere before. I gently pulled it out of the ground and examined it closer in the light of the moon. The gasped. This was… I smiled at the memory, and I remembered for the first time in a very long while… Haha-ue…

"Sango…?"

I sat up to face the voice that had called my name and relaxed seeing the silhouette of the familiar robes "What are you doing here Houshi-sama?"

"I woke up and you weren't there, I got worried…" he explained

I felt my face burn, I hated it when he did that, it cost me the world to admit I was worried about him, and he said it so easily.

"Gomen… I just couldn't sleep." I explained

Seemingly calmer than when I first heard him, he walked over and sat down beside me. "Doushite?" he asked

I shrugged "Just another nightmare… but I'm feeling much better out here in the open."

I looked up at him to see the moon reflecting in his eyes and found myself staring again, I blushed. Dammit that was getting harder to avoid.

"What's in your hand?" he asked curiously peering over.

I looked down to find it gently holding the flower and couldn't help but begin to smile again. I lifted my hand to show it to him proudly. He smiled gently "It's very pretty…"

I looked down at it remembering a familiar face "It's a yellow flower…" I smiled

"Yellow flower?" he asked curiously, "It looks a bit pink to me… maybe I'm going color blind."

 I smiled "Oh it's pink, but it smells yellow." I said offering it to him. He took it with one hand and held it a distance to his nose.

"I can't smell anything…" he admitted

"You have to smell closer…" I smiled. He pushed it closer to his face, closing his eyes and trying to smell the small flower until it was on his nose.

He opened his eyes and peered down at the flower, removing it from his nose and then looking up to me.

"Ne Sango? What does yellow smell like?" he said removing the flower.

I tried uselessly to suppress a giggle at Miroku's face full of confusion. I laughed out right pointing at the monk with a yellow nose. He blinked at me unaware of the trick I had played on him, just like mother used to do to me.

My laugh died down as I looked back up at him, still with that adorable childish expression of innocence.

"Kaa-san used to play that trick on me… I still remember, before Kohaku was born." I smiled at him

he smiled knowingly at me and then held up the flower, twisting it gently between his fingers. "What was she like?" he asked

I gave a small sigh and looked up at the starry sky "Sayo… that was her name… She was very beautiful, I used to think she was the prettiest woman in the world, I would say to myself, 'Kami-sama gave me the prettiest angel as a mother.' I loved her very much when she was alive, and I pity Kohaku who never met her."

"I understand how he feels…"

I looked up at him, to see he was also gazing away into the night. "I never knew the love of a mother either… I asked Chichi-ue once when I was little why I didn't have a mother like everyone else… he didn't know how to answer me and would get mad at himself, questioning as to why he had married a woman he loved. He felt guilty for her death, but I did more… probably because it was me who killed her after all." He finished dryly.  

 I frowned sadly at him and set my hand over his cheek. With my thumb I gently cleaned off the pollen on his nose. He looked at me surprised at my gesture

"I'm sure your mother still loves you as does mine love me, where ever they both are. And I'm sure she would be proud of the son she gave her life to Miro--" I caught myself before anything else came out, and he noticed, my hand lingered at his cheek, and we both stared at each other unaware of what had just happened or what was going to happen next.

This couldn't be happening, I was about to take my hand from his cheek when his own came over it, holding it gently to his face.

"Did you just…?" he began, I felt his lips move under my thumb as he looked at me in a way I couldn't quite understand, it seemed like… hope? I blinked looking up at him, with that look of wanting, for the first time not in a lecherous way. Miroku… please don't do this… I pleaded seeing him lean towards me. You know we can't… and yet… I closed my eyes, almost able to feel the heat from his skin looming in on mine.

I waited for something that never came, and felt his hand remove mine from his cheek. I opened my eyes, needless to say disappointed. He was looking solemnly down at the grass.

"I can't…" he whispered.

I knew he was right, but, it didn't feel wrong, so what was…? I pulled my hand from his and got up quickly, I was getting sick of this.

"I understand…" I barely whispered making my way back to camp.

"No you don't…" he called back angrily. I turned to look at him, I didn't mean for him to hear it. "I won't make the same mistake as Chichi-ue…" he said analysing the flower in his hand.

I looked down at him a bit shocked as to what he had implied by that sentence. He looked up at me expectantly. The night air seemed heavier between us, and I couldn't find anything to say. I turned and left, knowing that tomorrow nothing of this would be mentioned.

~~~

I couldn't help but regret the memory, I did most of the time, I picked up the bandages and unfolded them on my lap, I knew them too well, he used them too much… to often. I gave a sad sigh. Of course it wasn't always my fault, stupid monk! Why was he so lecherous, as if that weren't enough I was shy, well, I grew up among men but, not men like him… mou! I blushed at the memory.

~~~

"Here are the extra towels, oh and watch out for the youkai's" said the inn keeper handing Kagome extra towels and four yukatas

we had gotten lucky in finding a real town, not some ordinary village. Miroku had taken the liberty of getting us an inn as usual, choosing a very classy one with thermal baths and everything.

"Youkai's?" said Inu-Yasha

The inn keeper nodded absentmindedly "Rodent youkai… they like to steal the visitors clothes… an awful plague around here." He said retreating towards the kitchen

"Rodents? As in… Mice?" said Kagome a blue tinge coming over her face. She moved over behind Inu-Yasha. "I don't like mice."

Miroku smirked "Would you ladies like an escort to the bath house for protection?" he asked hopefully

I jammed my elbow into his ribs as Inu-Yasha gave him a cold glare. He got the idea and slouched off seemingly disappointed with a fake tear in his eye. "I just want the ladies safe…" he cried

"Sou ka?" I asked sarcastically

Kagome since we arrived to the room had been anxious to go to the bath house, as she said mice didn't like water. I followed my paranoid friend to the bath house, and began to get undressed, knowing it would be better if I bathed in the white yukata they had lent us, as someone might come in to 'make sure we were safe'

I was barely tying the knot in the robes before I heard her scream, almost breaking my eardrums.

"Sangoooooo!!" she yelled and pointed to a spot on the floor next to me

I looked down to see a small creature with big eyes and excessively large feet rummage through my clothes, I was about to shoo it away before it hopped out of the bundle of my clothes… with some of them over it's head… more specifically… my underwear.

"Oi!!" I yelled turning red and lunging at the little demon.

It was quick, I should have brought Kirara to the bath house to sick it. It looked in the direction of the door. My blush deepened giving the rat a cold stare while Kagome was on the other side of the room over a huge boulder whimpering.

"Don't even…" I warned

As I suspected my wishes were not of his interest and he ran towards the door, I threw myself on the little runt and he jumped out of my grasp. And ran out the door. I blushed a deeper shade of red and scrambled to my feet rushing out of the bath house half naked.

"Come back here you big footed little hentai!" I yelled at the beast chasing it down the hall

People turned to stare but the little rat had my underwear, I really wasn't interested in the other people or even where I was going, although a little voice in my head told me I should stop. I was too mad, somehow this little youkai reminded me of some one…

It entered a hole in a door to my left and I skidded to a stop, returning to the door I threw it open and ran in. To a rock, my foot jabbed against it and I suddenly felt I was falling forward, I expected to be greeted by hard stone floor, but instead was greeted by water splashing in my face. Lucky I put my hands out in front of me. I sputtered as some got into my mouth and nose trying to cough it up.

Water… in a closed room, my eye twitched slightly, where was I? I feared the worst, and looking up I felt my blood freeze and my eyes almost jump out of their sockets.

He looked down at me with curios eyes, holding a wooden bucket over his head, from the looks of it he had just poured it over himself as tiny rivers of water found their way around very sleek crevices of where his muscles and skin met. They flowed from his arms, down to his shoulders and onto his chest. His hair was loose and wet, sticking to his face and neck, was I breathing?

I tried to force my eyes to stay on his face… ok maybe stay over his neck, over the chest, over the chest! No seriously, was I breathing?!

"Hello… how may I help a lovely young lady like yourself?" he said cheerfully looking down at me.

Besides the lack of oxygen in my system and the fact that there was not a drop of blood anywhere on my body but on my face, I felt woozy, why did that stupid houshi have to be so----?!?!? Ok starting to see blurry, guess I should breath now.

"Oh look…" I heard his voice again

he looked down at the water to retrieve something, my eyes unfortunately had been burned into his skin. He retrieved something and smiled down at me.

"What a lovely piece of clothing…" he then crouched down and held it up "Is it yours…?" he asked cheerfully

I snapped, I guess all the blood in my head exploded or something… all I remember is the monk being encrusted into a far away wall with various bruises and who knows what else I had done to him, and me with my damn underwear clenched into my fist still red in the face.

"baka houshi!!" I yelled in the hallway probably redder than a ripe tomato. Pitying the next living being to get in my way.

~~~

I sighed, me being shy, and him being shameless? Where would that get us? I looked up at his back. Us? What us? Tying the bandages gently I reached down for some gauss as that puncture mark wasn't the only wound he had. Baka Houshi… it was as if he wanted to get into trouble, he should have more consideration on himself… on me…

~~~

Jumping up I flung Hiraikotsu over my shoulder towards the youkai. It barely dodged out of the way in time for my boomerang to slice through it's shoulder. Taking a time out from Inu-Yasha it turned to me and opened it's mouth something shining from inside it

"Sango move!" Inu-Yasha yelled

I was still falling in mid air! What could I do? I crossed my arms protectively over my chest hoping I'd survive this when something pushed me upwards. I gasped having a pretty good idea of what had happened. The beam of energy, or what ever it was, managed to hit us both anyhow, Miroku's entire right side and my left arm.

"Sango! Miroku!" yelled Kagome from a few feet away.

I felt the rough impact of the floor against the very same arm that was injured and gave a yelp of pain. Someone rolled over me and we suddenly stopped. Trying my best to endure the pain in my shoulder I got up. He was still holding my back.

"Houshi-sama!" I called to him, with no response

But he wouldn't let go. Squirming out of his grip I managed to sit up beside him. He was out cold. "Houshi-sama?" I asked taking my only movable hand to his chest.

"Wake up… Houshi-sama."

was he all right? was he… still alive?

I felt my heart begin to pump again a bit light headed by such a scare, as he winced suddenly. Taking in a few deep breaths, he finally opened his eyes. In the background I heard Inu-Yasha finish off what ever that youkai was.

"Houshi-sama daijoubu ka?" I asked nervously as he sat up against a tree

knowing he must be in great pain he looked up at me and nodded "Un…"

I sighed deeply and suddenly remembered what that idiot had done. My brows crossed and my mouth went into a thin line, I felt my eyes sting. Taking up my right hand I slapped him, his eyes widened in surprise. Then I threw my arms around his neck and tried very hard to suppress the tears in my eyes. I felt him tense under me.

"Baka Houshi…" I somewhat spoke into his ear missing a few syllables because my voice was beginning to crack.

He was, needless to say, stupefied. Then suddenly my common sense kicked in and I realized what I had just done. My eyes widened slightly. I released him immediately not daring to look up as I didn't want to see his reaction, or want him to see the blush that was spreading on my cheeks.

Kagome, Inu-Yasha and Shippou had, as always, been watching everything. My face sunk down lower in humiliation and I decided the best, well, the only thing to do right now was to go retrieve Hiraikotsu. I stood up leaving him against the tree looking up curiously at me. Damn my stupid emotions.

~~~

That had been a while back, when I wasn't really sure of what I felt for the monk. Making it all the more embarrassing and confusing. Unfortunately for me, that hadn't been the last time I had done it, or the first for that matter, but I had never gone so far as to hug him, I guess I just needed to know he was really still there… with me. For the hundredth time since I had started this I sighed. This was tiring me. Not having to heal him, well partially, but everything in general. Always having to suppress my feelings, always telling myself I couldn't do it now. Always an excuse to hold back. it was getting pointless… I was starting not to care anymore…             

***

well that's it for the first chapter, sorry they're so long ^^' that's why I only made 3 and the third one is really short, so put up with me a little longer if you wanna know what Sango's gonna do!

Oh! A special thanks to Sydney Kyle for letting me use one of his great Oekaki for the bath house scene. It is fabulous! You have to go see it, on Nikkou-sama's Sango and Miroku shrine in the Oekaki section. It just amazing! It's called 'Turn About if Fair Play' that's where I got my inspiration for the comical scene, it's honestly very pretty. Go check it out! and here's his mail if you'd like to leave a comment.

[email protected] the web site is at it is heaven for all S/M fans!