Dean stared at the letter in his hands, not really seeing it but at the same time the words were engraved in his mind.

"It is with great pleasure that we grant you acceptance into our school. Please respond by August 4th to let us know if you wish to attend."

His hands were shaking, a corner of his mind told him. They were shaking and he couldn't make them stop, blinking rapidly as if that was going to make the words change and disappear.

Sam had gotten into college. He had applied without telling him and had gotten accepted and Dean had the one to find the letter first.

They didn't have secrets from each other, not after living in each others pockets the way they do. So when he had seen a letter addressed to Sam he had opened it.

And immediately wished that he hadn't. He wished that he never seen it or heard about it and that he lived without this knowledge for the rest of his days.

But that's not what was going to happen. If Sam had applied to college, found ways to pay all those fees with money they didn't really have, that meant he was serious about attending and that if he got in, he was planning on going.

Planning on leaving him and dad to go to college and have a normal life.

Away from Dean.

For a moment Dean was afraid that he was going to throw up.

He forced himself to breathe out and then took another deep breath, going in and out a few times before his mind finally cleared.

His heart was twisting in his chest as he slowly stood up and grabbed his car keys, aiming to go to the library. He also grabbed the rest of the letter and the envelope and everything in it with him.

He hated this, hated that this was going to break his family apart. Break his family in a way they really couldn't have, they were already broken from mom dying, they couldn't take too much more. Sam and dad were always fighting too, more and more everyday and this…

This would make a wedge between Sam and their dad that Dean wasn't so sure that they could ever recover from.

He hated knowing what he was going to do right now, hated that he was doing it and what it was going to do but he needed to preserve his family, he needed to protect them even from themselves.

And if Sam found out he would eventually understand too.

Later on when came back to the motel he had a newly made letter and carefully resealed envelope in his jacket. He tucked it under the rest of the mail and sat down on the couch, pretending to watch tv before Sam came back from his after school activities.

"Hey." Dean greeted, allowing himself one glance at his brother who grunted in response. "How was school?"

"Good." Sam said kicking his sneakers off and putting his backpack on the table. Dean could hear the books shifting in it and not for the first time he remembered how many AP classes Sam was taking.

"Good." Dean said returning his gaze to the tv screen, willing himself not to shake. He could see Sam shifting through the mail pile and kept breathing slowly.

He could see Sam freeze as well once he reached the letter on the bottom. His brother cast a small half glance towards him that Dean pretended not to notice and quickly opened his letter.

All Dean could hear was his heartbeat in his ears, loud and roaring as it beated rapidly. He tightened his grip on the remote to steady himself and forced himself to stare straight at the tv, refusing to flinch when he heard Sams sharp intake of breath.

He waited a moment and then turned to look at his brother. Sam was gripping at the letter tightly, his knuckles white and shaking slightly and Dean had to look at Sams shoulder because he saw a hint of tears in his little brothers eyes and if he saw that, he knew he would break and tell the truth to Sam.

"Something wrong Sammy?" Dean asked, taking everything he had not to even have a hint in his voice, while he wasn't sure of the moment he knew Sam would at one point know that something was wrong with him.

Sam didn't say anything, looking away and crumpling the letter in his hands into a small tight ball. "No." he said roughly, shoving the ball deep into his pocket. "'M fine."

Dean didn't say anything, he didn't have to, Sam grabbed his bag at that and immediately stalked off towards the bedroom, the door slamming behind him.

Dean let out a small breath and leaned back into the couch, rubbing at his chest and trying to shove and push the guilt that was eating him up on the inside as far as he could.

He didn't talk to Sam that night, he didn't come out from the bedroom, but he did order Sams favorite Chinese food and left the cartons outside the door for him take when he was ready.

Whatever Sam was doing in there Dean didn't know, he was quiet and kept to himself other than sometimes going to the bathroom and avoiding everything else around them.

That night when it was time to go to sleep Dean did try the bedroom door and found it unlocked. Going inside the room was dark but he could still make out a curled up lump on Sams bed. He stared at it for a moment before he stripped to his boxers and pulled on a plain t shirt, sliding under his bed.

He didn't fall asleep, he couldn't relax and couldn't stop thinking about Sam, trying to convince himself that he did the right thing. Tried to convince himself that this was what needed to happen for their family to stay together.

His thoughts were interrupted when his mattress dipped and he looked to see Sam moving onto the bed, coming to his side, his hand coming up to grip at Deans shirt.

Dean turned and wrapped his arms around his brother, moving them both and tucking him under his chin like he had so many times when they were younger, like before Sam had shot up into a beanpole.

"I got you Sammy." he murmured, his voice choking up slightly. He tightened his grip on Sam and held him closer. "I got you."

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