DAZED CHAPTER 1

"Thomas, what are you doing here?"

Donna's eyes go wide as she anxiously swings the door open. She's surprised to find her boyfriend of one month at her door so soon.

"How did the hearing go?"

Ever since Thomas left for the Ethics Board hearing this morning, Donna's heart has been in her throat. No, worse than that. She's been sick to her stomach. Unable to eat or sit or focus on anything for longer than a minute at a time. When she hasn't been pacing the floors of her apartment, she's been busying herself with the housework she should be leaving for her cleaning lady. Sweeping, dusting, scrubbing – but even the most mundane activity can't calm her nerves.

Every breath and every swallow tightens the knot in her stomach. All she can think is that Daniel Hardman is going to take the firm down, and even worse, disbar Harvey. Even though she was summoned to the hearing, she just couldn't make herself go. Couldn't watch helplessly as the house burned to the ground before her.

And this mess?

This mess is all her fault. To say the guilt is agonizing, is an understatement.

The last time Donna felt this kind of remorse was when she kissed Harvey, a kiss of death of sorts for the relationship he was in. But this is a thousand times worse. And if anything bad should happen to him, she'll never, ever forgive herself.

Donna insisted on taking full responsibility, but Harvey wouldn't have it, determined to see it through himself. She would have taken matters into her own hands, but the last time she did… well, here they all are.

So out of respect for Harvey, she conceded. It's already bad enough that she had lost faith in him once, his sad eyes watering when he called her on it. She couldn't do that to him again.

Her stupidity, and the mess that followed, should have been the straw that broke the camel's back. The one thing that neither she nor Harvey could come back from.

But when Thomas came to see her before the hearing this morning, he was puzzled as to why Harvey would sacrifice his wellbeing for hers. It was certainly a surprise to her.

"Who are you to him?" Thomas asked, his gaze intense on her. She's been asking herself that for years, and like she told Thomas, she doesn't know.

"Then, who is he to you?"

And that's when she felt it in the pit of her stomach. An overwhelming sadness at having to admit the unbearable truth. Not just to Thomas, but to herself. Harvey is so deeply woven into the fibre of her being, that the only way to remove him would be to cut her own heart out. To let it bleed until it stops beating.

When the words came out of her quivering mouth, she could instantly tell that Thomas had taken an emotional step back. The frown over his steely blue eyes giving away his disappointment, and she knew what he was thinking.

How did I not see this before?

Would this work with Donna?

Is this even worth the risk?

Reading his face, Donna bit down hard on the inside of her cheek to still her trembling lip, but Thomas could tell she was unraveling.

"Let's not worry about that right now," he offered, his reassuring hand on her arm. "We need to go."

"Thomas, I can't," she admitted, as she fought back tears. She was dressed the part. Professional in a black suit dress, hair and make-up perfect. But she just couldn't leave.

"But you've been called." Her refusal adding to his confusion.

"I don't care," she said. "This is my fault, and I can't sit there quietly and watch while everything that Harvey and Louis have worked for gets destroyed. If they want me to talk, they'll have to drag me there."

Thomas took a step back. It suddenly felt like he was swimming in deep water. Clearly there's more going on here than he's been led to believe. It was also clear that Donna wasn't going to change her mind.

"Ok, Donna, have it your way," he relented, his eyes disappointed, as he turned to leave. "But I need to be there."

So now, two hours later, when she opens the door to find Thomas, once again, in her doorway, she doesn't know what to expect. He sees the terror in her eyes, and is quick to reassure her.

"It's good. Everything turned out ok."

Donna lets out a deep exhale, the first real breath she's taken all morning.

"So, the firm? Louis…. Harvey?" Her hand still holding the door open, Donna can barely get the words out. She's long traded in her business outfit for a charcoal-coloured silk top, comfortable cardigan and black pajama pants.

"All fine… but I'll leave you to get the details from Louis, he's going to call," Thomas replies, his tone detached. Louis can also break the news about Robert, he decides.

With an enormous sense of relief washing over her, Donna steps back.

"Do you want to come in? Do you have time for lunch?" she asks, hoping the good news might repair some of the tension between them.

Thomas presses his lips together, but doesn't cross the threshold. "Actually… that's why I came by…," he pauses and Donna senses what's to come.

"This between us… I don't think it's going to work," he states matter-of-factly. Thomas has always been a reasonable and thoughtful man, and his approach to this break up is no different. He could be angry, even accuse her of leading him on, but he doesn't. He's cutting his losses and approaching this like a smart business decision.

"No, Thomas… why?" Donna asks. She knows why, but there's still a pleading in her eyes. "I want to move on and I want to move on with you."

"Donna, I know you mean well," he says, his tone softening. "But if there's one thing I've learned, it's that the heart wants what the heart wants, no matter how badly you wish for something else."

"Thomas… I want this to work. And we can make it work," she implores.

"I know you do," he replies, with a brief nod. "I guess I needed you to have moved on from those feelings before we met… Donna… I'm sorry."

Thomas is right and she knows it. He deserves more than what she's capable of giving.

"I hope you find the happiness you're looking for," he says gently, as he squeezes her hand. "Take care of yourself, Donna."

Pulling her hand away, it falls hopeless and to her side. All she can do is nod before closing the door on yet another promising relationship.

In the past, this would be about the time that she'd start sobbing. But fourteen years of this? She's all cried out. Wandering to the living room, she feels dazed, numb even. Donna drops herself down on her long, white sofa, her arms and legs flop in defeat, as the cushions envelop her.

She decides it's time for a new roadmap for her future, because she just can't do this any more.

The ache in her heart has become all too real now. It's intolerable actually. She's hoped and waited and reasoned. She's flirted, kissed him and even flaunted her new man. But it's clearer than ever that whatever Harvey may feel, it's not enough for him to act on or for her to wait any longer.

Donna's desperation to move on, and the stupidity of her actions, almost destroyed the firm and nearly cost Harvey his license. Not to mention the stress that it's put on everyone else. She saw the impact firsthand, witnessing Harvey hurl that glass against the wall and shatter it into a thousand angry pieces.

That was a painful first. Enough has been fractured now, she's decided. It's best for her and for everyone at the firm, if she moves on.

Resigned to the plan, Donna reaches for the notebook and four-colour pen sitting on her coffee table.

Employment Options

Red ink on paper. A solid line across, and the words suddenly become real. Time to go. Maybe not tomorrow, but someday soon. At least she had the COO title for a good year, which will create more opportunity on the job front. Louis and Robert will definitely give her glowing references. And Harvey, if she absolutely needs his help, would begrudgingly provide one as well.

With pen to paper, she writes down the first words that pop into her head. Opportunities, possibilities and favours to call in.

Seattle

Chicago

Stu

Jessica

Samantha

David Fox?

Fashion Industry

Charitable work?

Event planning

With a career shift, she'll definitely need to make some changes. Harvey has always been very generous with her salary. She likely won't command those dollars again, but she'll survive. When she was 13, her father lost all their money and she had to adjust then. She can do it again.

As Donna continues with her list, her mobile rings, its screen illuminating the name.

Harvey Specter

Donna leaves it to kick into voicemail, watching as the screen fades to black. This day has been too much already. She almost destroyed the life of the one man she loves, and she got dumped by the one man she thought could help her to move on.

Harvey's call is probably to tell her the good news, to assure her everything is "ok", back to "normal" even. But she doesn't want to hear it. She can't bear to hear it, because everything is not "ok" and there is no "normal".

There are only lies and words unspoken and missed opportunities. And it has to stop.

The day is barely half over and Donna feels completely drained. It didn't help that she hasn't slept well over the last few days. Tired of fighting it, she puts herself to bed, her phone buzzing once again, just as she's settling in.

Gretchen

Donna waits for the message notification and then listens.

Ok Red, I know you're home. If you don't wanna' pick up, that's fine. But you better quit feelin' sorry for yourself and get your ass into work tomorrow. When you do, we're gonna' to have a talk because I know what you're thinkin', and I'm tellin' you now, runnin' away is a bad idea. Get some rest, and tomorrow, put on a nice dress, that lip gloss you like and those fancy-ass shoes of yours and come see me. I mean it.

Her head heavy on the pillow, a tiny smile forms across Donna's lips. Today of all days, she desperately misses Rachel. But thank God for Gretchen.

XXX

It's dark when Donna finally opens her eyes, the buzzing of her phone, nudging her from sleep. She lifts the mobile from her bedside table, and lets out a sigh. She knows everyone means well, but she's just not up for conversation.

Louis Litt

For a second, she's tempted to pick up, feeling like she owes at least that much to Louis, but she doesn't, and the call goes to voicemail.

Taking a sip of the water from the glass beside her, Donna scrolls her notifications, moving past Harvey's and going straight for Louis's.

Donna, it's Louis. Are you ok? I'm worried about you. Thomas said you refused to come today. Just so you know, everything is fine. Well almost. Robert retired… I'll tell you the details in person. But he's happy… it's what he wanted. The case is over. Harvey is fine and so are Samantha and Alex…. Donna, I know you blame yourself. I understand and it's ok…. We're family and we'll get through this… Can you please call me? Maybe I can drop by and we can talk...

Donna lets out a deep exhale, puts her phone back and snuggles further under her duvet. Louis's kind words don't make her feel any better about what she's done. She just wants to lie here and wish the world away.

But it's only unconsciousness that offers relief. Every time her eyes close, she's haunted by that look on Harvey's face. His surprise and disappointment after she confessed to telling Thomas about the broken business deal. The confusion in Harvey's eyes, their wetness and how his voice quivered. It was like she had punched him in the gut when he wasn't looking.

"You lost faith in me. For all the time that we have been together, that has never happened." His voice laced with sadness.

Not only did Donna strike a nerve, she knew right then… she screwed up.

Harvey had every right to be angry, to kick her out of his office like he wanted to. But once she scratched the surface, it all came out. He was deeply hurt. Losing faith in him was a betrayal he never thought could happen.

Donna forces herself out of bed and shuffles into her ensuite. She splashes water on her face and brushes her teeth before wandering back into the living room to revisit her opportunities list.

Feeling refreshed, she settles onto her sofa when the determined knock causes her to startle. Louis promised he'd come by, so she quickly stands and rushes to answer.

XXX

"Samantha, I'm so sorry, but I have to go," Harvey says, abruptly standing. His eyes dazed as if his entire life just flashed before him.

"Where?" she asks, her long fingers caressing her neck.

"I just have to…" he mumbles, his voice trailing off. Harvey hasn't left her office yet, but Samantha can tell he's already gone.

She was sitting on her sofa, reading and drinking, when Harvey came by.

Since arriving at the firm, Samantha has felt an easy connection with Harvey. Could it be romantic? She's not sure. Possibly… she might consider exploring that one of these days. Maybe it's their temperaments or how they approach their work. Maybe it's because they both had challenging upbringings and strong mentors. But somehow, they understand each other.

So, when Harvey came by to empathize about Robert leaving, she appreciated it. He knew exactly where she was coming from.

But the evening was cut short, and from what Samantha could tell, something spooked him. Usually intentional with his movements and his words, Harvey was clearly shaken. The next thing she knew, he was gone, practically sprinting out of the office.

XXX

Seeing the elevator doors about to close, Harvey quickly thrusts his arm forward to stop it. He could have waited for the next one, but there's a sense of urgency in his bones. A fear that the next elevator may be too late. That whatever tiny opening still exists, might soon be gone, if he doesn't rush to stop it.

Fifty floors down and his heart is thundering. There's a strange feeling washing over him now. It's like he just woke up, and he's seeing everything with new eyes. Everywhere he turns, Donna's there. Her hazel eyes teasing him.

She's smirking in the elevator with two coffees in her hand. She's yelling across the lobby, her palms held out in frustration. She's on the sidewalk, her fiery locks blowing in the breeze. And she's gorgeous in black, with Thomas's hand at her waist… leading her away.

He's acting on instinct now, and doesn't even remember getting into the cab. It's a good fifteen minutes to Donna's place, but it feels like fucking forever.

Harvey stares blankly out the window, silently pleading for the cab to speed up, and for the lights to hold green. His mind drifts to that night in her office. Before he knew what was happening, her soft mouth awakened his.

Unconsciously licking his lips now, Harvey recalls the sweet taste of her mouth. The hairs on the back of his neck involuntarily stand on end, a reflex at the thought of her fingers running through them. His heart stopped the moment she kissed him, and if she hadn't pulled away…

He swallows hard now. Just the memory of those precious few seconds causes a tug in his groin. Harvey admitted to her that he felt something, but it was no where close to what she'd really done. Her actions sparking endless nights of fantasies that he's been unable to come back from.

Determined to see her now, he has no idea what he's going to do when he does. It didn't cross his mind at first, that Thomas might be there, but he doesn't care. Thomas is irrelevant, he decides. This is about them. He just… needs… her.

As the cab approaches her place, Harvey replays today's events in his head. He was scared. To go down to Hardman that way would have destroyed everything. He'd never admit how scared he was, but if she were there, she would have sensed it. Her presence would have calmed him, given him the strength and confidence he needed to get through.

More than that, he wanted her to be there with him, no matter how it turned out. They've always been a team and him facing the Board alone felt wrong. Yet, with everything about to go down, all he could think about was her. It hit him that he's never felt that way about Scottie or Paula. Not once. And they were girlfriends. But protecting Donna, even at the risk of losing everything, felt as natural as breathing.

So when she didn't show up, it put all his senses on alert. All of a sudden, in that room, he felt the vastness of the space between them. And it was growing by the minute. He could no longer rely on that invisible tether to keep them in check. Split and frayed, it would be just a matter of time before it severed completely.

After the hearing was over, Harvey immediately stepped outside to call Donna. No answer. So, to avoid being alone, he headed back to the office.

Robert was the one who paid the highest price, yet Harvey could see that he was ok… because of Laura. Alex was scrutinized on the stand today, and he yet was able to leave it all behind… because of Rosalie. And Louis... Heck, Louis didn't even bother sticking around. The second he could make it home to see Sheila, he was out the door.

That's when Harvey felt the tug in his chest. Donna.

Why was he being so stupid? What's he been trying to prove?

Donna is his Laura, his Rosalie…. and even his Sheila. She's always been.

The truth is, she's the one person he wants with him during the good times and the bad. Hers is the first face he wants to see in the morning and the last before he sleeps. And that kiss…. it's her mouth, and hers alone, that he craves.

Harvey barely waits for the cab to stop before he opens the door. Tossing a fifty at the driver, he doesn't bother with the change. His pace is determined now, skipping the elevator and taking the stairs two at a time.

Left at one corridor, right at another. Apartment 206. He's breathless and knocking. His knuckles delivering seven lucky hits to her door.

She needs to know, he tells himself. He'll tell her everything. He's ready.

The door swings open faster than Harvey expects, and he suddenly feels unprepared. He flew up here all confident and red-blooded, determined to prove that he can be that man.

Standing there, fingers fidgeting, he notices that the shock on her face quickly becomes something else. Her features now awash with a mix of remorse and pity. But then, her eyes catch a sparkle and her lips turn as she reads his expression.

Donna understands now. He's not here to talk about his day.

Harvey's never felt more vulnerable, and he doesn't have it in him to fake it any longer. His heart is aching, and to see her now, he realizes how much he's missed her. Not just today, but since those days of working side-by-side. He lets out long exhale as his eyes pool with emotion. Her face is sweet relief.

Seeing his expression, Donna doesn't let him fall, her gaze securely locked on his as she slowly moves away. Letting him breathe and giving him room to decide.

With each step back that she takes, Harvey feels a growing ache in the pit of his stomach. That space she's creating is testing his resolve and challenging the strength of their invisible tether. She's taunting its frayed bits, poking at its reliability and pulling it to its limits.

Donna sees the want in his eyes, so she takes one final slow step away.

... And Harvey can't take it anymore.