Disclaimer: I do not own Heartland, nor any of the characters, give credit to those who deserve it.

.

I hope you all enjoy this chapter. Thankyou for the reviews on the last one. I loved reading them, and it is wonderful to know that some of you are still enjoying this story.

.

Chapter Ten

She thought she could do it, sit in front of Lou and demand some kind of answer to this life altering news but the moment her eyes opened and she had seen the blanket laid on top of her, all Amy wanted to do was leave. She wasn't strong enough for this. Not yet.

Lou could see it in Amy's eyes the moment she had awoken, she'd gone into flight mode and the blanket that had kept her warm was thrown from her body as she jumped to her feet.

Lou stayed where she was, the best course of action she could take was not to leap into Amy's space. Even though she wanted to. The thought of being this close to her had her heart pounding.

"I..." Amy turned to leave.

Lou sighed, closing her eyes. She didn't try to stop Amy from leaving, not if that was what the teenager wanted to do but she also couldn't bring herself to watch Amy walk out the door, away from her. It would hurt.
The footsteps stopped but Lou couldn't bring herself to open her eyes, if she did, then the tears would fall freely and she was trying so hard to keep them in.

"Why? Why did you leave Heartland? I don't understand it." Amy whispered. "You claim that you love me, but if you did then why would you leave me?" Her words seemed to bleed desperation. She wasn't sure if she wanted the answer or why she even stopped and asked the question. But it wouldn't leave her mind. Lou had been claiming to love her, but why would you abandon someone you love. There was one reason though that wouldn't leave her mind. It would explain why Lou had left. "Do I look like him?"

Lou sucked in a breath sharply, a part of her wondered if Amy had thought about it but she hadn't expected this question so soon. All these years she had spent trying to block him out of her mind. She didn't want to revisit his face, those memories. When she did, it was vivid as if she could feel his breath on her neck, on her cheek. A shiver ran though her body. She wouldn't allow him a moment more thought, to take anymore time from her.
He was scum. A vile animal. Nothing more.

"No." Lou choked, swallowing the lump that was forming in her throat. "No. No. You're Fleming." She thought of her father, and how much Amy resembled that side of their family. "You look more like my...like my dad..." The word was spoken softly, and she could see Amy's shoulders tense. Perhaps she should have referred to him as Tim. "Then I do." Lou finished, her voice barely above a whisper. "You're all Fleming." And she meant it, there was barely any trace of that psycho in Amy, and Lou couldn't be more thankful for it.

Amy felt the relief flood through her body, to here those words from Lou's mouth. Nothing like a rapist. It was a relief.
But the other emotions, they didn't leave. She was still bitter, sad, angry. Tim wasn't her father. Marion wasn't her mother. Her biological mother was standing behind her. "You abandoned me." The words came from her mouth, and her hand reached for the door handle, holding it tightly, ready to run out and slam the door behind her.

Lou's hand reached up to cover her mouth, the sadness seeping through her. "It's not what I wanted." Her voice was muffled but she knew Amy would have heard her. "I never wanted to leave you. I just...I didn't have a choice."

Amy whirled around. "No choice? No one forced you out that door, Lou! How could you walk out on me? How could you leave your own child? I grew inside you."

"It wasn't easy, Amy,"

Amy frowned, since Lou had been back whenever she had been spoken to or confronted, she seemed to clam up, not wanting to speak about it. Only giving as much information as absolutely necessary. At least to her. Amy had no idea what her grandfather knew.

"For those years I was here, it felt as if I was being physically ripped apart. There is nothing worse then lying awake in the middle of the night listening to your newborn baby's cries and not being able to sooth them. I couldn't feed you. I couldn't hug you. I couldn't even be in the same room, she...she just wouldn't allow it." The tears started to roll down Lou's face, and she could see through blurry eyes that Amy's face was crumbling. "Your first word was momma, and I...I cried myself to sleep every night for a month because when you said it you weren't looking at me. Your first steps...I missed them." She wanted to stop, because the look on Amy's face told her it was enough but she couldn't. She wanted the teenager to know it wasn't easy on her, that the decision she made to leave wasn't because she had a choice. "I missed them because once she knew it would be soon, so she sent me on a camping trip. But the hardest thing Amy, the hardest thing I witnessed was watching the two of you...everyday...she'd hug you, kiss you on the top of the head, tell you she loved you and that you were mommas little mini me."

"You abandoned me because she gave me the attention you wanted?" Amy choked out through her own tears, her voice raw with emotion.

"God, no." Lou stood up, her arms wrapped around her mid section, her stomach physically ached. "Let me finish, you'd look up at her with a bright smile and say...I love you, momma. And every single time another piece of who I was would break."

"I was only a child! You can't blame me for that. I thought she was my mother! So you left? You left because it was easier then staying here, where I was?"

"You have to understand, Amy, I was slowly withdrawing further and further into myself and the only one who could see it was...my dad." Lou drew in a ragged breath, she couldn't tell Amy just how bad it had gotten. How truly lost she had been. "I am broken, and I will forever be broken, Amy. Everything...every ounce of my being was stolen from her and I will never be the the person I could have been. I will never get those moments back." She looked into the eyes of the only person she knew she had truly wronged in life. "I wish she had never ripped you from my arms. I wish I had been strong enough to fight her but I was already so tormented and nothing I said could make her see sense. She just stole you and I didn't..." Lou closed her eyes just for a moment. "I'm so sorry."

"Lou..." Amy's breath was shaky and she took a step backwards, the emotions hitting her like a tonne of bricks. She needed to escape.

Lou could see the teenager retreating, the invisible walls going up between them but she needed to tell her, just needed her to know. "I fought for you. I did; but it wasn't enough. I'm sorry, Amy; I am. But I need you to believe me when I say, I loved you from the very moment I knew you existed and I won't leave you ever again." Lou dropped to the floor as Amy fled.
The only sounds in the house were that of Amy's bedroom door slamming shut and Lou's sobs as she curled up on the floor.

...

Amy felt as if she was on auto pilot, she could feel herself moving but it was as if she wasn't telling it where to go but it was inevitable. She found herself climbing into the chair by Lou's bedroom window, pulling the blanket over her body.
She didn't know why, but this gave her a sense of comfort. All day she'd been hauled up in her room, in a flood of tears. Normally she'd see to the horses to make her feel better, to clear her head, but even that didn't seem tempting. Her Grampa had knocked on the door a few times, she didn't answer. He'd left lunch and dinner but neither she could stomach.
There was so much she wanted to ask Lou, but the information this morning had been to much. Her mind was still reeling.

What had Lou meant when she said she had fought for her? The question had been at the forefront of her mind all day. She wanted to ask but was afraid of the answer.

Her eye lids felt heavy, perhaps from all the crying. The heaviness in her heart. The weight in her mind. It was all playing a part. Exhausted for the first time in a long time due to emotions.
She was on the verge of closing her eyes and falling asleep but the notepad rested on the bed next to sleeping Lou caught her eye.
She immediately looked away, a preach of privacy she reminded herself. If she wanted other people to respect her space then she needed to respect theirs but she couldn't dampen the curiosity and before long she found herself looking back in that direction.

Lou's cup of tea was by the bed, not longer steaming but stone cold. The tear marks on her cheeks were glistening. What she had been writing had made her cry. That only further sparked her curiosity, and before she could properly think out her actions she was moving across the room and snatching the notepad into her arms.
Amy didn't dare to look at it until she was seated back in her chair, but when she did she felt the blood drain from her face. She had expected a little sneak peak into Lou's life...not a letter addressed to her.
Her hands shook slightly as she pressed herself further back into the chair. Why had Lou been writing to her? It was a simple question but one she thought she knew the answer to. Lou had been writing to her because she felt like she had no other choice. Face to face conversation wasn't getting them anywhere.

Taking a deep breath she looked down at the notepad before her and allowed her eyes to run over each word.

Amy;

I always dreaded the day this would come out, not because I didn't wish for you to know the truth but because I always knew how much it would hurt you. The last thing I ever wanted to do was cause you pain.
Regardless of how you came into this world, you have always been a light in my life, Amy, and I cannot apologise enough for being the reason your light has dimmed inside of you.

I know that you have questions; and I hold the answers.

God, I am not sure why I am writing this to you when you are merely a staircase away from me, but somehow I know it will be easier for you to read.

I'm here. I am not leaving.
Now that you know that, I won't force you to speak, I won't confront you. Just know that when you are ready, I'll be waiting to explain.

I want to give you the reassurance that I have loved you your whole life Amy. I assure you, I never wanted to leave you.
I wanted you.
I wanted to hold you, feed you, rock you to sleep, kiss you goodnight, kiss your boo boos, teach you how to ride a horse and listen to you yell momma at the top of your lungs. I imagined in my head all the things I could teach you. The ways I could make you laugh and smile. I imagined that one day, Heartland, would be ours. That we would run this place together.

Yet here we are.

I know that right now your biggest doubt is who you are...I need you to understand you are still Amy Fleming.
The truth might be out, and right now it might seem like things are changing rapidly. But once things settle, if you don't wish to acknowledge this change, then we don't have to. I won't take anyway any more of your identity. If you want to continue to be Marion's daughter then I will happily be your sister. I don't need anything more then that. I just need a chance to be apart of your life.

So I'll wait. I'll wait for as long as it takes, Amy.

I love you.

Tears fell down Amy's cheeks rapidly, dropping onto the paper in front of her. She kept saying she loved her.
She loved her.
The thought tossed over and over in Amy's mind as she hugged the notepad closer to her chest.

"Someone make it better." Amy whispered, her heart felt heavy, so much pain building up and up in her chest. "Make it better." She cried, burying her face underneath the blanket to muffle the sobs. She wanted someone to hold her, to make this pain cease.

Thoughts?

I hope to get the next chapter out to you, in a week at the latest.

Much Love. x