Everything is Going to be Okay

Author: PreppyPrincess5103

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

Summary: Harm. & Mac struggle with a long-distance relationship after his return to flying.

Notes: And since the long-distance part of the relationship is over, this story is now complete! Thanks for following along! Oh, and Paul Bauwer is a reference to the homeless vet in the Season 2 episode 'The Guardian'.

Previously…

She cocked her head to the side and he could see confusion spread over her face. "I don't understand, Harm. If you're not going to fly and are not going to return to JAG, what are you going to do?"

He took a deep breath and reached for her hands. "I'm going to resign my commission."

Part 12

He had always envied her ability to tell time without a watch, but he had never wanted that gift for himself as much as he did right now. He would give anything to know how long she had been sitting there staring at him in silent shock.

"Mac?" He watched as she opened her mouth, and then instantly closed it. He stroked the heel of her hand with his thumb. They continued to sit in silence and his tongue darted out to moisten his lower lip. "Mac?" She pulled her hands free and stood up. She pulled off Harm's t-shirt and began to dress in her discarded clothes. "Why are you getting dressed?"

She glanced in his direction before shimmying into her jeans. "We are not having this conversation while naked. Please get dressed." She picked up his t-shirt and tossed it to him.

He ignored the shirt and walked over to his bag and pulled out a fresh set of clothes. He finished dressing and sat back down on the bed. He watched her thread gold earrings though her ears and then struggle with the clasp of her necklace. He jumped up and moved to stand behind her, placing his hands on hers briefly before taking the ends of the chain from her. He clasped the necklace, bent to kiss her neck and then placed his hands on her hips and turned her to face him. "Talk to me, Mac."

She looked up at him and shook her head. "Harm, this doesn't make any sense. At all. You love the Navy."

He sighed, and sat on the edge of the bed. "You know I've been restless for a while. I thought being a pilot would help, but it didn't. I wasn't happy doing that, but at the same time I couldn't see myself going back to JAG. I've spent the past six months trying to figure out which career path would make me happy, and I finally realized that it wasn't the careers I didn't want anymore. It was the Navy."

She shook her head and joined him on the bed. "Since when do you have a problem with the Navy?'

Harm looked at his hands, and began to twist his Academy ring around his finger. "I don't have a problem with the Navy. I love the Navy. And I'm proud of the time I've served and the things I'm done. I'm just… I don't know how to explain it."

"Does this have to do with your father?"

He snorted out something that could possibly pass as a laugh, and glanced at her. "Of course, it does. When has anything in my life not had something to do with him." He looked back at his hands and then back at her. "What did you want to be when you grew up?"

She frowned at the topic change, and then smiled sadly. "Anything that was far, far away from the life I had."

He pulled her into his side and kissed her temple. "When you were a little girl, and your first-grade teacher asked what you wanted to be when you grew up, what did you tell her?"

She pulled away from him and smiled shyly. "I didn't know the word for it at the time, but I wanted to be a veterinarian. We had always had pets while I was growing up. They were the one normal, happy, well cared for parts of my child hood. One dog got really sick when I was young, and my dad rushed her to the vet. My mom was at work, so I went with them. And I watched this young man in a white coat save the dog's life and I thought that someday I would like to do that."

He smiled and took her hand in his. "What else did you want to be?"

"A historian." She twined his fingers with hers and looked up at him. "My mom and I went to visit Matt once when he was stationed at Quantico. He took leave and took me to all of the museums and monuments. Then we took a few days and went to the Virginia coast. He took me to the battlefields at Yorktown and Richmond, to Jamestown, and to Colonial Williamsburg. I was fascinated. For a while I wanted to study history and discover old things."

His smile was sad. "Do you know what I wanted to be when I grew up?" He didn't wait for her to answer, since an answer was unnecessary. "I wanted to be a Navy pilot like my dad." He let go of her hand and began to pace. "Mac, I'm 36 years old. And for about 30 years I've only wanted to be a pilot because he was. I never took the time to find out what other things I was interested in, or thought about what I wanted to be when I grew up. The answer was always 'I want to be a Navy pilot like my dad'."

"That's not a bad thing to want to be, Harm." Her voice was gentle and her own expression was sad.

"I know it's not a bad thing. But I am 36 years old. And I never considered anything else. Even when I had my accident, my biggest concern was finding some way to remain in the Navy. I don't even know why I decided to go to law school." He sat back down and placed his hands on his knees. "When I was a kid, my mom tried so hard to get me involved in things. She signed me up for scouts, and sports and art classes. We volunteered for political campaigns and helped out at soup kitchens. She wanted me to discover my own interests and tried to show me that there were other things to be interested in besides being a pilot. I never gave any of those things a chance. She finally stopped trying."

"Harm, you're not the only person who picked a career path because of parental influence. I would have never joined the Marines if not for Matt."

"That's a different situation. You joined because you needed to. And along the way you fell in love with it and decided to stay. What do you love about being a Marine?"

"Besides serving my country?" She smiled, and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. "The thing I love most is the structure. My life had always been so chaotic. The Corps brought structure. Money was always an issue when I was growing up, and now I make good money and have good benefits. I've learned to be strong and self-sufficient and confident."

He leaned over to cup your face. "You love this life, Mac. And I don't anymore."

She shook her head and stood up. "This is insanity. You're at what – thirteen, fourteen years?"

"Fourteen years."

"Fourteen years, Harm. You're six years away from retirement. The pension and the medical benefits are not insignificant."

He took a deep breath. "Mac, I don't need the money."

She cocked her head to the side and frowned. "Maybe not right now, but it's a guaranteed paycheck for the rest of your life in exchange for six more years. You'll need it someday."

He shook his head. "I won't though."

She raised an eyebrow. "Did you win the lottery recently and not tell me?"

"I won this particular lottery about 25 years ago, when my mom married Frank." She sat back down and his eyes met hers. "Frank set up a pretty significant trust for me when I was younger. And then my maternal grandparents died and left me some money, and mom had him roll that into the trust. I've barely touched it, so I promise I won't starve or become homeless."

She opened and shut her mouth a few times. "I want to ask, but I'm not sure asking is appropriate."

"Seriously? I want to marry you. Everything I have is yours." He told her the amount and bit his lip as her eyes widened. "My place was a foreclosure, and the bank was only accepting cash offers. So, I used some of the money for that. But other than that, I haven't touched it."

"Jesus Christ, Harm." She stood again and began to pace.

He grabbed her hand and tugged her back down. "I'm sorry I haven't told you. I wasn't trying to keep it from you, and I don't want you to think I don't trust you. It's just always been a non-issue until now." He brought her hand up to his lips and kissed it. "The fact of the matter is that money isn't an issue. And if it ever became an issue, I'm sure I could easily find a job with a civilian law firm." He gently elbowed her side. "I'm sure you'll remember that the pay is pretty good."

She blushed and looked away. "Leaving JAG for the civilian life was a horrible mistake and I regretted it almost instantly." She glanced at him and asked, "If you're not going to be in the Navy, what are you going to do?"

He smiled, and she noticed it was the first real smile she'd seen since they started this conversation. "I'm not 100% sure yet. There are a lot of things I'd like to do. I'd still like to practice law, only I'd like to do a more pro-bono work. I want to help children like Dar-Lynn, and refugees like the pregnant woman on the Patrick Henry. I'd like to help more homeless veterans like Paul Bauwer. Those cases make me feel alive. They make me feel like I'm doing something that really matters. I'd like to teach people to fly. Taking people up in Sarah and teaching them how to fly her has always made me really happy. I'd like for us to buy the worst house in the nicest area, and I'd like to be able to fix it up without it taking five years because I travel so much."

"Why now, Harm? Why buy a house now? I'm not resigning, so who knows where we'll end up. Why not just wait? Then we can retire together. We'll still be young enough to do the things you want to do."

He narrowed his eyes. "Wait six years? Are you kidding me?" He shot off the bed and turned to face her. "For the love of God, Mac. I'm not happy with my work. I need to do something else. I don't want to suck it up for the next six years. And I'm not waiting six years to marry you and buy a house with you, and start a life with you and you know that. Jesus, I don't even want to wait the six months I promised you. I want those things, Mac. I want kids. I want that life with you. And I'm not going to sit around and wait six years for that." Her eyes filled with tears and he wanted to scream. "I'm sorry for raising my voice."

"You can't do this because you want a life with me. I will not spend the rest of my life burdened with the knowledge that you gave up a promising Naval career because of me."

The urge to scream was back. "Mac, I'm not doing this because of you. I'm doing this because I'm unhappy." An unpleasant thought came to him and he had to force the words out. "Are you only interested in me if I put on a uniform every day?"

Her eyes widened and she stood quickly. "Harm, no." She put her hands on his cheeks and forced him to look at her. "Of course not. I told you a few months ago that I'd love you even if you resigned to become an alpaca farmer. That's not going to change." She looked down and bit her lower lip. "I'm scared you're doing this to make things easier for us, and you'll wake up one day and resent me."

He placed a finger under her chin and tilted her face up. "Mac, I have never lied to you. And I'm not lying to you now. This has nothing to do with you, or us. It has to do with me, and how I've felt since I found out what happened to dad. It has to do with the fact that I've felt tethered to one goal and one person for thirty something years, and now that I'm not I don't really know what to do with myself." He ran a hand over her hair and pulled her to him. "It has to do with wanting to discover who I am outside of his shadow and the Navy." He felt tears on his neck and pulled back to look at her. "Why are you crying?"

She laughed and swiped at her eyes. "I have no idea."

He smiled and pulled her to him again. "I love you. And I know we could make a dual military relationship work if we needed to. I promise I'm not doing this because of us." He bent his head and brushed his lips against hers. "Okay?"

"Okay." Her voice was soft and sad, and he felt frustrated and guilty at the same time.

"Let's get out of here," he suggested. "We have dinner reservations later, and I don't know about you but I could really go for a walk on the beach."

"Okay." She started to pull away from him, but he tugged her close.

"Sarah, I need you to believe me about this. I'm not giving up my career for us. I promise you that. Please don't feel guilty or afraid." She nodded, but he knew she was still uneasy. He brushed her hair back and kissed her gently. "It's all going to be okay."

The End.