Author's Note: Happy April Fool's Day! I don't prank. I write. Enjoy this gift of crack!

Many thanks to Remasa for brainstorming ideas for this fic, as well as to Rem, Sheeoni and tempomental for beta-reading and sorting out the non-native mess I've made.

Moth Trap

This was supposed to be a nice morning, maybe even one when he'd finally succeed in his mission. Now that Gabriel thought about it, the elevator had been making funny noises for a while but usually a bit of grease helped.

Not this time.

He sighed and turned away from the butterfly window of his lair.

'Nathalie?' he called into the tunnel. 'Nathalie, are you there?'

A faint echo of 'Yes, sir' answered from the other end. 'Is there a problem, sir?'

Gabriel looked to his feet on the platform which had sunk about 10 cm below floor level before freezing just after the machinery groaned with the sound of a dying whale. He was kind of thankful for that. Somehow, the idea of descending into a tunnel that made noises like a can crusher didn't seem appealing at all.

'I believe the elevator broke down,' he said. 'Please call the mechanic.'

'Yes, sir. Anything else?'

'Not now. I think I'm going to send out some more akuma since I'm stuck here.'

It would take a few hours before the trusted repair man would be able to get to the mansion, do his job, and receive a handsome amount of money for his services. The biggest part of these services was confidentiality. No questions asked in exchange for another zero or two on the bill. Every rich family in Paris had "handymen" like that.

Thankful for his foresight to install the mini fridge and a toilet inside his butterfly chamber, Gabriel stepped up from the platform. He ignored the ominous creak and headed for the fridge. He tossed Nooroo a slice of passion fruit after inspecting the amount of kwami food supplies and his own snacks. There were enough fruits stocked to allow for a week of enthusiastic akumatizations. With the free time at hand, Hawkmoth could go wild... and that was exactly what Gabriel planned to do.

After akuma number two he started to get bored. Surely the handyman should have gotten to the mansion by now?

'Nathalie?' Gabriel kneeled next to the hole in the floor. His voice boomed through the lair and echoed in the tunnel. 'How much longer am I going to be stuck in here?'

'I've got some good news and some bad news,' his assistant replied from the other end of the darkness. 'Good news is I was able to contact him and he's going to get here ASAP...'

That was good news. But Gabriel didn't like the anxious lilt in Nathalie's voice. 'And the bad news?'

'He's currently on vacation.'

He could see how that might be a problem. He'd be stuck in the chamber for a few more hours. The drive from the coast or Alps shouldn't take longer than until morning.

'Where is he now?' he asked.

'Hawaii,' Nathalie replied matter-of-factly. 'He's trying to catch the next plane, but with the typhoon approaching it might take a few hours. That is... if there is still an airport after the typhoon hits the island he's on.'

'Oh,' Gabriel uttered. He was a gentleman, after all, so he didn't let the "shit" slip past his lips, even though his tongue itched to let out a curse.

Akuma number three let him blow off some steam as he ranted in frustration at the cruel world where mechanics could sunbathe in Hawaii (undoubtedly thanks to additional zeroes on their paychecks provided by the likes of Gabriel) while hardworking designers were stuck in their secret chambers because of elevator malfunctions. It was a true injustice, and even akuma number four agreed with his reasoning. Unfortunately, despite being a really promising and spiteful champion, she failed to bring him the miraculouses… and neither did akumas number five and six.

At akuma number seven he needed to visit the privy, immediately regretting his decision to use a missile shaft as a good location for a toilet. Having to go about his business with a missile aimed at his… back... wasn't the most comfortable experience of his life.

The missiles were his pride and joy though, as well as the reason he hadn't tried to break free of his confinement. Any disturbance of the lair's structure could result in a spontaneous explosion. And Gabriel had grown rather attached to his butterfly chamber over the course of the last few months. Plus, it would be a shame to go through the hell of designing and supervising the construction of another one... not to mention the astronomical costs he would have to hide in his books again.

If it wasn't for Nooroo who finally snapped at him that maybe nine akumas in one day would be enough, especially since it's night already and even millenia-old kwami needed their sleep, thankyouverymuch, Gabriel would probably have missed the fact that it got dark. He fed the grumpy sprite, adding a little bonus to Nooroo's ration. Both of them had worked really hard today at getting those miraculouses. As sleep claimed him, Gabriel thought that it had been a nice if unexpected sabbatical to be able to get away from his company and designing and to focus solely on his mission to bring Emilie back. In his dream his wife smiled at him and ran her slender fingers through his hair, just like she used to do to wake him up. Alas, it wasn't her fingers he felt tangled in his hair when he woke up, but Nooroo's wings. The impudent kwami had the audacity to make a nest on his Master's head! The nerve!

The next day, akuma number ten brought an unexpected revelation as Gabriel made a mental note to talk to Adrien about akuma safety. Because, really, what were the odds of his son ending up in close proximity to four out of every five attacks? Another interesting thing was that in three out of five attacks he was accompanied by Mademoiselle Marinette. And numbers indicated that in two out of those three the girl saved him at the last moment from being hit, trampled, or beheaded. In the rest of the cases it was Adrien who came to her rescue.

Gabriel had always liked statistics, and these data were indeed interesting. He would have to investigate the reasons Adrien so often drifted closer to danger, but the designer concluded that as long as Mademoiselle Marinette was nearby, there was no reason to worry. Maybe he should ensure she kept Adrien company more often, as she was clearly doing a much better job than the bodyguard who was paid to protect the heir of the Agreste fortune. Or, maybe there was a reason Adrien escaped his bodyguard but wasn't so keen to escape Marinette?

He mulled over this particular conclusion as akumas number eleven, twelve and thirteen wrecked havoc over the city and were cleansed to his increasing irritation. By akuma fifteen, he was more than certain that Marinette had a crush on Adrien. Astronauts from the ISS probably saw it too - flares of pink erupting from the location of Paris as the girl blushed mercilessly at the sight of his boy. By akuma seventeen, he was positive Adrien harbored some rather strong feelings for his pigtailed friend. Gabriel smirked, reflecting on the times when he'd been fourteen and in love for the first time. Only then akuma number twenty revealed that his son was apparently thick as an oak plank, because he refused to acknowledge his crush and friendzoned the hell out of the poor, confused girl. As far as Gabriel saw through akumas' eyes Adrien managed to reach new levels of ignorance and his mixed signals were probably Guinness World Records material.

It was around that time that Gabriel also noticed it had been three days since he got stuck. Three days of very intensive akumatizations that brought him nothing except a considerable dent in kwami food and an almost empty shelf of his own supplies. He gave the broken platform a firm prod. It creaked ominously and sank another 5 cm into the tunnel.

'Sir?' Nathalie's faint voice reached his ears.

'Any news on the repair guy?'

'Sadly, no. The connections were cut,' came a reply. 'Do you want me to recruit a new handyman?'

'Please do.'

'What about background checks?'

Gabriel considered this. Standard checks took weeks to complete, especially in delicate matters like this one. They needed to be sure the person they hired met certain criteria, especially when it came to keeping quiet. Still, he couldn't stay in here much longer. Even though he didn't really go out of the house and Adrien could last days without seeing him, he would soon starve to death.

'Make it as short as possible,' he decided. 'And try to figure out if you can send me some food.'

'I've already checked, sir. There's no way to bypass the security system. Once there's a breach, the missiles go off.'

'Hmmmm,' he scratched his chin. The stubble kept getting on his nerves. His face was beginning to look like an albino hedgehog. 'Keep looking. And add a razor and shaving cream to that food order once you figure it out.'

The sigh his assistant vocalized was supposed to be subtle, but with the tunnel acting as an amplifier, Gabriel had no doubt what she thought about his request. Well, too bad for her. She wasn't the one stuck in a room full of butterflies for three days. Without a phone, he might add.

He rubbed at the bristles covering his face again. Thankfully they disappeared when he transformed, but he couldn't be Hawkmoth all the time. Nooroo needed to fuel up, and he needed to visit the missile closet from time to time. This whole "stuck" thing was beginning to get on his nerves.

He needed to stay focused. If only the people of Paris would cooperate! But noooOOOooo... after a mere three days he ran out of potential victims. It was as if the supplies of anger and despair were emptied in the face of his intensified efforts. Since akuma eighteen, he felt he was scraping the bottom of the barrel. He was no longer tuning to rage, hate or passion; mild annoyance or inconvenience were all he was left with.

'So…' he murmured, doing his best to keep the irritation out of his voice, 'you hit your finger with a hammer…' he tsked, as the soon-to-be akumauttered polite curses under their nose. Really…? He had to work with this? 'Maybe you'd want the world to feel your pain?'

He really needn't bother if all he was going to get was the "Hammer Head", who ran through the streets (Ran! They'd never even noticed he granted them the power of flight!) and hit people's fingers with a hammer. The most scary part was their jubilant cry of "A-ha!" as they scored another hit. Embarrassment after that failure… Hawkmoth's professional pride had been hurt much more than any hapless Parisians were in the wake of the shameful akumas he'd sent.

A chef who forgot to put salt in their soup resulted in an akuma who made people forget where they stored their things. A kid not wanting to go to school somehow managed to organize a city-wide picnic day.

And Gabriel had lost count of how many times he had been asked if "this was a telephone survey" after finally establishing a connection with someone. Each time, he just released the akuma and sent another one. Just once though, he took the bait after the victim added "because I hate those". The resulting villain cost him almost the entire day as she got her "little revenge on those pesky interviewers who wasted her time". She forgot to mention she preferred a one-on-one approach while talking people to sleep. She wasn't dangerous or malicious or anything, but, well... she might have also talked him to sleep too - before he was able to take away her powers.

He didn't even have it in him to monologue properly anymore. Somehow, with every akuma, the villains got even more embarrassing and things went sour even faster. At the same time, Ladybug and Chat Noir - instead of being increasingly annoyed by his minions - seemed to get chummier by the hour. They even had the audacity to chat and laugh with his champions! He really needed a better motivation system if even his own akuma failed to side with him.

He also needed food.

Since his akumas were rubbish anyway, he decided to use some for personal and rather pragmatic goals. With all the failure he had encountered, he deduced that he could spare a butterfly (or three) to akumatize a pizza delivery guy, a barista or a waiter; he was resourceful like that. The aforementioned found their way to the lair just fine. They passed food through the tiny window, then went off to find whatever revenge they could before Ladybug's cure relieved them of the akuma and the memories of how to get to the lair.

And for a short while Gabriel had been proud of his solution. Right up until the point where he found out what happened to the food that an akuma had brought you while Ladybug released her repairing spell.

He chose to fast after that. But it gave him an idea concerning Adrien... because frankly after all this time, he'd grown tired of watching his son and Mademoiselle Marinette dancing around each other while still getting in the way of his minions. It was painful and actually made him cringe a few times. They were getting on his nerves even more than his continual failure with akumas. He couldn't blame the victims for being only slightly vexed and, hence, only mildly interested in their mission. But his son, his own flesh and blood, shouldn't have been this stupid or oblivious.

The next akuma kidnapped Adrien and made him listen to a lecture on how to woo a girl properly. Gabriel was convinced it would work, but Ladybug acted faster than he anticipated. She dropped on them from the sky like a mighty valkyrie, and it was over before the akuma could get the point across and explain exactly who Adrien was supposed to woo.

There was one instance where Hawkmoth was really close to succeeding with this new plan when he'd akumatized André the ice-cream man for the second time. Marinette's ice cream screamed (if you'd excuse his pun) "Adrien" in the face of the world, but of course the pesky Chat Noir just had to swing in before his son got the chance to save his crush himself and recognize the composition of the colored balls for what it was. Gabriel was so angry that he actually punched a hole in the wall! Only the faint ticking of one of the missiles prevented him from accidentally making the lair explode out of spite.

A few floral akumas who tried to talk Adrien into getting a bouquet for his girl failed as well, so Gabriel really had no other choice - the disgruntled locksmith was a godsend. Some people would probably say it was terribly cliché to handcuff a potential couple and lock them away in a secluded place without their phones, but Gabriel wouldn't take any chances. Besides, he was the living proof that being confined for long enough led to brilliant ideas.

He was being smart; he just knew it. There was absolutely NO way that Ladybug and Chat Noir would find the teens before they could properly talk, which was what the Lock Master demanded upon leaving them. So imagine his surprise when the heroes appeared out of nowhere and ruined his perfect plan!

At that point, Gabriel had had enough. He was tired. He was hungry. His hair was unkempt, and had been lacking styling gel for days. His stubble grew into a beard that wasn't even a tiny bit blonde. And Nooroo was giving him funny looks. That was it - he was done for.

He loosened his tie and took off his jacket and vest. His shirt lost its sleeves too, but after a few minutes of industrious tearing and tying, the impromptu (and very fashionable) rope was ready.

'Nathalie,' he yelled to the tunnel. 'I'm going out.'

If only he had remembered that the ornamental window was so high above the ground. If only he had been wearing more clothes, so the rope could've be longer. If only Nooroo would stop snickering under his collar.

Gabriel was dangling in the breeze of an early Parisian evening, with a wonderful view to the rooftops and the street below.

'Help,' he uttered (although not very loudly, he still had his pride) as his grip on the makeshift rope slipped .

'You got it, Mister A.,' came a cheeky reply from the roof above him. 'That thing has an interesting shape,' a familiar voice pointed out.

'Not now, Chat!' Another voice grunted and Ladybug slid down to his level. 'Are you okay, Monsieur Agreste?' She apprehended him worriedly. 'Do you know who kidnapped you?'

'Kidnapped?' Gabriel rasped. He didn't like the metallic clicks coming from above them.

'Well, well,' Chat whistled appreciatively. 'I'll be damned if this isn't Hawkass's hideout, my love.'

'Do NOT put me in one sentence with Mothface ever again,' Ladybug growled. 'Or no more kisses,' she whisper-warned.

The feline hero gasped in mock hurt. 'So beautiful, so cruel,' he droned and then added. 'Whoops, I think I'm falling for you again, Buginette.'

Indeed, when Gabriel looked away from the heroine who was suddenly, and fiercely, blushing, he saw that Chat's claws had lost purchase. Then his baton fell from whatever groove he had stuck it in above the window.

'Catch me?' the hero asked with a self-satisfied smirk as he fell to his doom.

'And hear you make another "I'm a catch" pun?' Ladybug rolled her eyes. 'Thanks, I'll pass,' she called after him. 'Let's take you home, Monsieur,' she turned to Gabriel. 'Are you hurt?'

'No,' he muttered and then remembered something. 'There are bombs here. You need to be careful.'

'Bombs?' the girl's eyes widened. 'Hawkbutt is a psycho if you ask me. Just hang on and we'll be out of here in a sec-' the rest of her speech was drown in the rumble of explosion that threw them in the air.

Ladybug strengthened her hold on him as she expertly tangled her yoyo around a chimney and swung them to the safety of the street below. A considerable crowd had gathered around them in the sudden commotion, and the wail of firetrucks was in the air as they headed to the source of heavy smoke... and the remnants of Hawkmoth's butterfly chamber.

Gabriel noticed his hair was scorched, but he was finally out of that damn lair and that was all that mattered. Hopefully the wretched tunnel collapsed like it was supposed to, destroying all evidence - including the path to his house - so that no one could link him to his purple alter ego.

'Ooops,' Chat landed next to them. 'That was a close call, love. You okay?' He put his hand around the girl's shoulder.

'Chat, please,' she ducked her head, the mysterious blush still dusting her cheeks. 'We're at work.'

'Not for long, bug,' Chat winked at her. He put two fingers into his mouth and whistled as if calling a taxi. 'To the Agreste mansion, my good man,' he beckoned the first paramedic who looked his way. 'Place du Châtelet, 75001.'

'You have to excuse us, Monsieur Agreste,' the hero added. 'But me and my Lady Love have some unfinished business,' he cast a look full of adoration towards Ladybug, making the girl's smile widen. 'But we will contact you at your convenience to talk about your abduction. I'm sure you can share some useful details as to Hawkas- I mean Hawkmoth's persona.'

'Too bad the hideout exploded,' Ladybug looked to the smoldering ruins that used to be his headquarters. 'Imagine what we could have learned. I'm so relieved that you're okay though, Monsieur,' she added bowing to him.

'Me too,' he muttered darkly. 'Me too.'

When the paramedics finally took him home, he was welcomed by an assistant who was too amused for his liking. But he said nothing, since a bathtub full of hot water, a razor, shaving cream and a tray full of food were already waiting just for him.

'Oh, one more thing, before you go, sir,' Nathalie added as a shadow of smirk flickered over her lips. 'Adrien has a girlfriend now.'

'Thank god,' he turned his eyes to the sky and sighed. Then he went to drown himself in the bathtub and then stuff his stomach to the brim.

And even the next day's papers didn't spoil his good mood.

Gabriel Agreste, the famous fashion mogul, was abducted by Paris' most feared villain, Hawkmoth, and kept trapped in a mysterious chamber. He managed to free himself and was saved at the last second by our brave superheroes Ladybug and Chat Noir, just before the building he had been imprisoned in collapsed in a terrible explosion. Thanks to his civic attitude, the heroes were able to determine the location of Hawkmoth's hideout and are now investigating this new lead. Unfortunately, the villain had managed to destroy his lair, possibly to cover his tracks. Mayor Bourgeois announced that Gabriel Agreste will receive a medal of gratitude for his valuable service in our fight against the supervillain.

That was until he realized his stunt didn't even make it to the first page, because something else was already there.

"LADYNOIR HAS FINALLY SAILED! The shippers of Paris celebrate the union of our beloved heroes" says Alya Cesaire, the founder of the Ladyblog.

'Nathalie,' Gabriel whispered. 'Exactly how long was I trapped?'

AN: Thank you for reading! Leave a review if you can! And if you liked this story, check out my other fics. Now that this crack is out, I'm going to get back to The Girl in the Mirror. See you soon(ish)!