Fashion Disaster
I teleported into Sammy's little wing of S.T.A.R. Labs, where he was currently in the process of going through files of people qualified for the Antarctic expedition to Godzillas lair. Of course that all changed when he looked over to me… and the Abominable Snowman hanging limp over my shoulder. Sammy blinked once… twice… three times… before he put his pen down… and slowly got up to his feet… and blinked again.
"... Is that… a yeti?"
"I've been calling it an Abominable Snowman." I said cheerfully.
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…
"I… where… no… you know what, I'm not going to ask."
"It involves a now wrecked 2.1 Billion dollar stealth bomber."
"Of course it does…. Wait… did you say... Billion?"
"Yep."
…
…
"How?"
"I used my money to buy more money."
"That's not... I… nevermind."
He's learning.
Either way I put the Abominable Snowman onto a nearby table. It kinda did look like a white monkey man, so that was cool, but regardless of all that I still had more shenanigans to do to Wonder Woman, after all she did initiate war. It's only right to respond in kind. I prepared to head on out and let the Sam-Man do what he do… when suddenly and rather unexpectedly… it started to snow… inside.
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…
"That's…. Interesting." Said Sammy.
"Maybe you should tranquilize the Iceman first Doc."
He was inclined to agree with my brilliant idea. So after Sammy put Mr. Winter under anesthesia, which did cause the snow to stop…. Snowing. That over and done with, I set out to continue the good (bad) fight (trollin') against everyone's favorite Amazon warrior, but first… I need a change of clothes… it was HERESY! time.
Wonder Woman was… not having the most fun of days today. Upon getting word from Themyscira that an unexpected aircraft air dropped random crap on the island, things took a turn for the hectic. Sure the Amazon gift cards were nice, albeit somewhat pun-ish, and the Teddy Bears were cute… if somewhat odd, a problem easily fixed by disabling the electronic voice box, but everything else was… well it was very Cell. He really did go above and beyond for the sake of annoying others, if he could just use the energy of his for more… noble pursuits he'd probably be a force to be reckoned with.
That said the many Censored copies of 50 Shades of Grey had both annoyed and intrigued many an Amazon, who by reading the parts of the book that weren't censored… made it absolutely clear what was going on, and some of the younger warriors started to get ideas that probably weren't all that healthy for those endowed with super human strength.
That cartoon however was just tasteless.
Add to that the sense of unease after a military aircraft decided to fly over Themyscira, and you have a recipe for paranoia. After all, what if it was a bomb they dropped. So currently that was being discussed, but Diana was somewhat lost to the current politics, her mind began to wander as she thought on her current issue…. Cell.
Clearly just ignoring and avoiding him wasn't going to work. His antics seem to increase proportionately to how much you try to ignore him. Hence the stealth bomber. Likewise talking to him wouldn't work as he has a tendency to use words in annoying others into submission. Usually with non sequiturs and inane babbling… didn't help that at times the insane things he said turned out to be true. Which meant listening to him was a wise, albeit Herculean exercise in Saintly patience. Maybe it would be best to just…
"FASHION CANNON!"
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…
I teleported into what looked to be a serious discussion between the Amazonians about... Probably me, I tend to leave an impression on people. They didn't immediately notice my presence, as I did teleport just outside of the proceedings, but I had prepared.
I was wearing the uniform of a Warhammer 40K Commissar… complete with gloves, jack boots, fancy hat (which actually FIT my head somehow resting between my horns) and the red leather greatcoat of the Commissar included of course. In my pimptastic getup now standing regal and fabulous, I pointed at Wonder Woman and screamed my favorite spell.
"FASHION CANNON!"
Wonder Woman now found herself dressed as a Sister of Battle. Complete with (purely cosmetic) power armor, purity seals, and other assorted sexy goodness. I leapt in the middle of the now halted discussions as Amazonian warriors attempted to surround me. The fools.
"FASHION CANNON! FASHION CANNON! FASHION CANNON! FASHION CANNON! FASHION CANNON!"
Now surrounded by an army of Sisters of Battle in various stages of kick ass sexy and badass. I nodded approvingly and brandished my modified Nerf gun that looked like a Bolter Pistol with a dignified pose. Truly these Amazonians were ready to fight in the name of the Emperor.
"COME MY BOLTER BITCHES, TO ARMS!?"
…
…
The resulting beat down I received, while deserved... was more than worth it.
Meanwhile an immaterial fae being watched and grinned, before it released a singsong laughing upon the wind.
Interesting tidbit of information... Amazonians are very very VERY good at restraining super strong dudes, I say this because I don't know what these chains that bind me are made of... But they're plenty strong enough that thus far all my attempts to break them were by and large about as futile as resisting Borg assimilation post getting stabbed by their nanite needles of Upgrading. My guess was there was sorcery afoot preventing me from just pulling a Hollywood Hulk Hogan and flexing so hard I turn the chains into scrap metal, but thems the breaks. That's fine though, I can deal with that... Yep... Just sit and wait patiently for someone to come along... I can be patient... I can deal... I can't deal... I CAN'T FUCKING DEAL! I have been tied up for TWO FUCKING HOURS now and NO ONE, ABSOLUTELY NO FUCKING ONE has come to check up on me yet and my only company is A GODDAMN ROCK.
...
...
Incidentally I named him Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson and used my toe claws to carve a little face onto him.
"What do you think is taking them so long Dwayne?"
...
"Yeah, I agree they're probably just trying to psyche me out."
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"No I don't smell what you're cooking."
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"I do like Hotdogs."
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"The works, mustard, relish, sauerkraut, and chilli."
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"Oh good point Dwayne. Put mayo on there to."
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"WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU'RE OUT OF CHILLI!"
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"Fine... But I'm going to be eating under protest."
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"If it gets that bad we'll just open up several cans of Whup' ass in its general direction until we can acquire chilli."
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...
I think I might be losing it.
Well my steadily increasing insanity aside, at least Dwayne was a good conversationalist if nothing else. A bit too talkative for my tastes, but nobody's perfect... Except for me after NOM-ing Lapis and Lazuli, but that's besides the point... Still, I shall have my vengeance. These Amazonians don't know of the golden rule, a rule I am more than happy to educate them on... Don't piss off a commissar. Ever... Until then I need to find a way to amuse myself... At first I began to muse. I thought of the nature of the human condition, The wonders in the cosmos, and whether or not that Bitch ever moved out of Ludacris's way. I doubt she did, I mean if it was as simple as that Ludacris probably wouldn't have had to make the song in the first place... I like to think that somewhere out there... There is an immovable bitch refusing to get out of anyones way, no matter how catchy a song about their immovable nature becomes... I must find this bitch... And study her for possible momentum cancelling technology. Don't you move an inch bitch, cause I'm coming for you... And I'm bored again...
...
I am now Blue Cell... Teal Cell... Magenta Cell... Periwinkle Cell...
...
...
"What is he doing?" Asked Queen Hippolyta.
Currently, the Queen of the Amazons looked over the balcony overlooking the dungeons next to her daughter Wonder Woman as they watched Cell continue to change colors while giggling to himself.
"Who knows. He's… not right in the head." said Wonder Woman.
"He's a menace."
"He's mostly harmless, just...Cell, he's very Cell."
Hippolyta rose a brow at her daughters… odd choice of words. In response, Diana who was far FAR more used to Cells antics, only shrugged.
"I see." Said Hippolyta.
"HEY ARE YOU TWO UP THERE TALKING ABOUT ME!"
Hippolyta blinked once before looking to Diana.
"He has enhanced hearing."
"I CAN HEAR IN GLORIOUS HIGH DEFINITION STEREO! YOUR HEARTBEATS JUST QUICKENED!"
"Full of surprises I see." Said Hippolyta.
"I ALSO LACK A PENIS! SO YOU AREN'T USING SNU-SNU TO KILL ME! NO MA'AM!"
"Vulgar as well."
"SHIT, PISS, FUCK, CUNT, COCKSUCKER, MOTHERFUCKER, TITS! ALSO FART, TURD, AND TWAT TO SINCE WE'RE DISCUSSING IT!"
Hippolyta rubbed her forehead and sighed.
"How well can he heal?" She asked Diana.
"Very well. Batman believes it's borderline impossible to permanently kill him at this point. Something about having too many discarded body parts all over the world. He apparently can pick and choose which of said body part he regenerates from."
"Unfortunate."
"Mother!"
"He has insulted and belittled us as a whole. He deserves punishment."
"I INSULT AND BELITTLE EVERYONE! NOT JUST YOU GUYS... GIRLS... WHATEVER. ALSO I'M NOT INTO BDSM! ACTUALLY I'M NOT INTO ANYTHING! YOU'RE ALL JUST ANOTHER UGLY BIPEDAL HOMINID TO ME!"
"Charming. Like I needed ANOTHER reminder of that damn book." Said Hippolyta with a sigh.
"Cassandra seemed to like it." Said Wonder Woman with a shrug.
...
"The only saving grace was it was censored."
"CENSORED COPIES OF 50 SHADES OF GREY SEEMED LIKE A GOOD METHOD OF CLAM JAMMING!"
"Wha…"
"IT'S THE FEMALE VERSION OF COCKBLOCKING!"
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"Punishment is definitely warranted." Said Hippolyta.
"What did you have in mind?" Asked Wonder Woman.
Hippolyta hummed to herself as she thought on it… before she nodded.
"Hades owes me a favor."
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…
"SAY! IS THIS BRO TIER HADES OR ASSHOLE DEVIL HADES!?"
It was at this point the room became unnaturally cold… and a small child appeared in the room… with candle wax covering the top of his head.
"Hello Hippolyta, you called me!?
"Uncle Hades!"Squeed Diana.
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Before she hugged the God of the dead.
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...
Bro Tier it is then.