She-Blah

Episode 5

The Pee Gate

The various members of the Rebellion were gathered together in the meeting room of Bright Moon, sitting around a circular table in the midst of a very heated discussion.

"Council, I have gathered you here today to decide something of the utmost importance…" Queen Angella said, leaning forward intently. "…What are we getting on this pizza? I vote olives." She raised the phone expectantly.

"I object, olives are disgusting and I will not have them fraternizing with my toppings," Glimmer argued, banging a fist on the table.

"Overruled."

"You can't fucking do that! I thought this was a pizza democracy!"

"Potty-mouths don't get cheesy bread," her mother warned.

"I mean…cheezus crust, mom, that's pepperoni!"

Beside her, Bow gasped and covered his ears in shock.

"Uh, shouldn't we be planning our next move against the Horde or something?" Adora asked in confusion.

"Adora, this is obviously much more important," the Queen said patiently. "We will get to that later. Now, who votes for stuffed crust? Aye or nay?" She raised her hand and looked around at the others.

"What?" Netossa and Spinerella called from another table entirely.

"What the- how did they get over there?!"

"Mom!" Glimmer cried suddenly, standing up. "I vote that you let me and the others keep recruiting Princesses to our squad! We should sign up Princess Mermista of Salineas next. She's in charge of the Sea Gate, and with her help we could control the seas!" But the Queen was already shaking her head.

"Absolutely not, Glimmer, it's FAR too dangerous-"

"Also we could get anchovies for the pizza."

"…but no reward is without risk," Angella finished decisively. "Very well, you may go."

"Yessss!" Glimmer cried, throwing her arms up in triumph.

"I am going to wear the sluttiest swimsuit," Bow stated proudly.

"But you must wear a lifejacket at all times," the Queen went on, whipping a puffy orange vest onto Glimmer and clicking the straps tight. "Also you must have an experienced Sea Captain chaperone you with a boat that has all current safety regulations up to code-"

"Moooom!"

"…She-blah demands floaties," Adora stated quietly, sticking her arms out.

"Adora!"

"Alright, moving on to more important matters," Queen Angella said, clapping her hands.

"Oh thank God," Glimmer muttered.

"Our drink orders-"

"CAN WE GO?"

-Later That Day-

Adora, Glimmer and Bow had arrived at Seaworthy, a two-level seaside bar filled with drunk sailors and fishmen brawling and spawning everywhere. Glimmer, still wearing the lifejacket, stepped up to a stranger in the middle of a knife fight and politely tapped his shoulder.

"Scuze me, can I borrow that for a second? Thanks." She took the dagger out of his hand and stabbed her lifejacket, which noisily deflated. "Much better. Here you go." She handed it back and he returned to stabbing his victim. "Okay, moving on-"

"Ohmigosh this is SO cool!" Bow squealed, hopping up and down excitedly. "Seaworthy is just like how I imagined. Look at all the pirates everywhere! I think those are teeth on the floor! I'm gonna go punch someone-"

"No you are not! Come back here!" Glimmer grabbed him by the belt and yanked him back.

"But that's how they say 'hello' here!"

"I like the sound of that!" Adora turned and punched someone flat on their back. "…Hey how are ya."

"Quit it, both of you!" Glimmer groaned in frustration. "The bouncer is going to throw us out!"

"It's cool, I'll punch him too."

"Enough! We're just here to find a Sea Captain."

"Oh please," Adora snorted. "No one here is dumb enough to take on such a dangerous mission-"

"Did I hear someone say…dumb?" A hand shot up out of the crowd. "Well, look no further!" The three of them turned to see a man lounging at a side table, wearing Halloween-grade pirate get-up, complete with swashbuckling boots, vest, and an impressive mustache. "I am the one and only…Seahawk." He leapt onto the table and flapped his arms majestically. "Caw caw!"

"...You sound more like a seaGULL," Glimmer stated after a moment. Bow whipped some peanuts at him.

"Hey!" Seahawk glared, then slowly bent over and scooped up some nuts. "So, are we doing this or what?" he asked, his mouth full.

Exchanging glances, the Best Friend Squad nodded and sat down at his table.

"We're interviewing for the position of Sea Captain. The job entails you sail us to Salineas," Glimmer began professionally. "What are your qualifications?"

"Well," Seahawk began, his eyes smoldering as he leaned forward intently, "one time, a beautiful young mermaid fell SO in love with me she gave up her voice and turned into a human just to try and-"

"That's The Little Mermaid," Glimmer cut him off. Seahawk stared at her, blinking.

"…Okay, but another time I sailed the seas on the Black Pearl and stole the heart of Davy Jones-"

"That's Pirates of the Caribbean."

"…How about when I met a clown fish and stopped at nothing to reunite him with his poor lost son who'd been kidnapped to P. Sherman 42 Wallaby Way-"

"That's Finding fucking Nemo! This guy's a joke!" Glimmer huffed, crossing her arms. "Bow, back me up here!"

"Sorry, I haven't been listening," Bow admitted guiltily. "I'm hypnotized by the glistening hairs of his silky mustache. I think I can see my own reflection in it." He paused. "And I am adorable."

"Thank you." Seahawk winked and gave his mustache a stroke, his fingers coming away shiny and wet. "It's 100% real."

"Yeah, I'm sure it's real." Glimmer leaned over to whisper loudly in Adora's ear. "Real expensive."

"Alright whatever you're hired," Adora said impatiently, arms crossed.

"Hold on, now!" Seahawk raised a hand as well as a perfectly on-fleek eyebrow. "What makes you think you can afford me?"

The bartender, a large, rough-looking woman, suddenly appeared behind him.

"You're three months behind on your bar tab. Pay up or we're taking a leg."

"Didn't I pay that off with the table-top strip show I gave last night?" Seahawk argued hotly.

"No, you got smashed, took off all your clothes, and dumped a $300 bottle of champagne over your head." She paused. "I added that to your tab, too." She paused again, then looked down at his legs. "…Eeny, meeny, minee-"

"Okay, I was bluffing, alright?" Seahawk burst out desperately. "Please hire me, I need the money SO bad! Do you have ANY idea how expensive it is to keep my mustache looking this glossy?! I have to buff this bitch every night with premium wax imported from across the globe!"

"Ha!" Glimmer slapped the tabletop. "Told you!"

"Listen," Seahawk went on, "I travel to Salineas all the time to visit my close personal friend, Princess Mermista."

"What? You know the Princess?" Glimmer looked at him in surprise. "How the hell do you-"

"I'm her booty call."

"…She has got some low standards."

"Okay, buddy. Here's the deal," Adora said with finality. "We're going to arm wrestle. If you win, we pay you to take us. If I win, you take us to Salineas for free…and you give Bow your boots."

"You're like a niiine, nine and half, right?" Bow asked.

"That's a terrible deal!" Seahawk scoffed. "Why would I ever agree to that? What do you take me for, a fool?" Adora stared at him blankly.

"…Pretty much yeah."

"Well you're correct! Let's go." Seahawk thunked an arm on the table and smirked haughtily. "Though I should warn you thaaaAAAAAAAAHHHHHH-"

"Careful now, Adora," Glimmer said, patting her back. "He's going to need that arm to sail us to Salineas."

"Oh sorry my bad." Adora released his arm, which danged limply. "Lemme know if you need me to pop it back in place for you."

"Alright, you win!" Seahawk said, cradling his arm in defeat. "I'll take you at no cost. Now, forward to ADVENTUUUUURE but first let's go see the doctor real quick I think you broke something-"

"No no, here, I got it."

*Pop!*

"GAAAAGGH!"

Hidden in a back corner of the bar, one of Shadow Weaver's creepy shadow things sat at a table, watching the group while nursing a drink.

"Hey buddy," the bartender asked, "you gonna pay for that?" The shadow sat there for a moment, then quickly dissolved away. "Son of a bitch. We've got a runner!"

-Meanwhile-

Back in her evil lair, Shadow Weaver was bent over her cauldron, spying through the shadow minion's eyes and also making a tasty clam chowder for supper.

"Adora is in Seaworthy," she said aloud. "She'll be lucky if she doesn't catch something in that dive. I am giving you one last chance to get her back." She glared over her shoulder at Catra, who stood there, looking bored.

"Didn't Hordak just tell you to stop going after her?" she pointed out.

"And who is going to tell him?" Shadow Weaver shot back nastily. "You?"

"Of course not." Catra stared at her blankly, then slowly reached over and picked up the phone. "Ohmigod, Hordak, you will NOT believe what Shadow Weaver is doing right now-"

"No one likes a tattletale!" Shadow Weaver slapped the phone out of her hand.

"Ugh, fine, I'm going!" Catra turned to leave with a swish of her tail.

"Wait," Shadow Weaver said sharply. "You're not going alone." Catra froze in place.

"…I swear to God if you are sending me with Kyle I will piss on all your good bed-sheets-"

"I am not sending you on a mission without adult supervision. You will be accompanied by Force Captain Scorpia." Shadow Weaver pointed behind her.

Gasping, Catra whirled around to find a tall woman clad in red armor looming over her, a scorpion tail and claws upraised menacingly. She whimpered and flinched back in fear.

"Oh God please don't-"

"Kitty!" Scorpia squealed with delight, scooping her up in her huge claws and petting her head.

"OH MY GOD THIS IS WORSE THIS IS SO MUCH WORSE-" Catra hissed, struggling. "Put me DOWN! What are you, a three-year-old?"

"Ooh, your fur is so soft and silky and you smell so good *SNNNNFFFFFF*-"

"Okay you just crossed the line. Hands off!" Catra scrambled out of Scorpia's clutches and snarled at her, fur bristling. "I will go to HR if I have to-"

"She will make sure that you are kept in line," Shadow Weaver said.

"Whatever." Catra glared at her balefully. "You're at least giving us a vehicle, right?"

"Oh, don't worry about that, I brought my own!" Scorpia said excitedly, wheeling out a pink bicycle with a basket on the front. She smiled at Catra and rang the bell.

*Ching ching!*

Catra stared at her blankly.

"…You get to ride in the basket," Scorpia clarified after a long moment of silence. Catra bared her teeth. "…Unless you don't want to, then, I guess, uh…I will." She hesitated, then carefully lowered herself into the basket. It held for a moment, then burst apart and sent her tumbling backwards, crushing the bicycle beneath her. "Oh darn not again!"

"I think I'm going to puke," Catra said aloud.

-Later-

"Huuuuuuurggghhh!" Catra leaned over the railing of a crummy old Horde vessel, yakking up her lunch of Meow Mix as the boat swayed across the ocean. Force Captain Scorpia stood beside her, cooing.

"Oh, gosh, you okay? What's wrong? Feeling seasick? Want me to rub your back for you? Don't worry, I'll do it anyway. Wow, you have got some tension in there, lemme just work those knots out- oh sorry that was a titty-"

"I said hands off!" Catra slapped her claws away and glared furiously. "This is the worst. I can't believe I'm stuck on this deathtrap with you."

"Nonsense!" Scorpia argued. "This boat is perfectly safe. If anything happens, we can get on the lifeboat!" She pointed over to where a small dingy hung suspended. The rope immediately snapped and the boat disappeared over the edge with a splash. "…Or we could just use the inflatable raft!" She gestured to the raft, which suddenly sprung a leak and shot away, noisily deflating as it flew through the air. "…Don't worry, we still have life preservers!" She held up a pair of orange life-vests. Her huge claws punched through the plastic and they slowly deflated in her hands. "…Okay yeah we're kinda screwed."

Catra's right eye began to twitch.

"…Would it help if I cradled you in my arms and sang you a lullaby?"

"NO."

"Don't worry, I'll do it anyway-"

"Get the fuck away of me!" Catra hissed, clawing her away. "GOD, how can this get ANY worse?!" She spun around to find Lonnie, Kyle, and the lizard guy standing there, staring.

"…So is this your new girlfriend or something?" Lonnie asked after a moment. "I thought you were the butch one."

"…You guys are walking the fucking plank."

-With the Others-

"Welcome aboard the Dragon's Daughter Three…Hundred!" Seahawk cried aloud, his arm in a sling. Adora, Glimmer, and Bow stood aboard his elegant sailboat, gliding across the clear ocean waves towards Salineas.

"…What happened to the other two-hundred-ninety-nine daughters?" Adora asked after a beat.

"They were all tragically set on fire…" Seahawk began, bowing his head in grief.

"What? Fire? What kind of sick person would-"

"…by ME! Adventuuuure!"

"You must have great insurance," Bow stated.

"Whoa, whoa, okay, hold on, red flag!" Glimmer threw her hands up in alarm. "What is stopping him from setting this one on fire?"

"Don't be silly!" Seahawk said. "I would never do that!"

"Then why is there a lit match in your hand?"

"…I was lighting a cigarette." Seahawk stared at her, then slowly lit up a cigarette and took a deep breath. Immediately he doubled over, coughing and hacking his lungs out. "Ohhh yeah- KOFF KOFF- smooooooth- HAAKKK-"

"Mom was right, we should have brought a fire extinguisher," Glimmer muttered to herself.

"Calm down," Adora said, patting her shoulder. "He just has to get us to Salineas and then we can ditch his ass."

"Fine. But I am leaving him a horrible review on Uber." Glimmer held up her phone and started typing away.

"Now, what with my…unfortunate injury, I expect you three to pull your own weight and help me with the boat," Seahawk said, adjusting his sling. "The first thing to do is-" He turned around to find everyone working efficiently at the ropes and sails. "Hey! How do you know how to do all that?"

"I took Boy Scouts when I was ten," Adora explained, "because fuck the patriarchy."

"I Googled it," Glimmer stated, holding up her phone.

"I played Windwaker," Bow said.

"Wow, you guys are good at this," Seahawk said, impressed. "What do you even need me for?"

"Oh, we don't, really," Glimmer admitted. "We just needed your boat." There was a pause. "…Let's kick him off."

"Mutiny!" Seahawk gasped.

"Don't tempt me," she growled, eyes narrowed. "Let's just focus on the mission, okay?" She teleported up to the crow's nest, squinting as she studied the horizon and consulted her sea chart. "Hey, we're way off course! Where the hell are we? You guys-" She looked down to see Adora and Seahawk arm-wrestling again, Bow cheering from the sidelines.

"You go, girl! Get me another pair of shoes!"

"Hey, stop it!" Glimmer teleported down, breaking the pair up. "Are you trying to break his other arm, too?!"

"…I thought you would appreciate it," Adora said.

"Well, yes, yes I would. That's very thoughtful of you. Anyway, quit screwing around. I checked the map and we're way off course. We need to-"

*CRASH!*

The boat suddenly shook as a huge sea monster swam by, battering the side of the ship.

"Yes, the Serpent of the Sea!" Seahawk cried excitedly. "We've found it!"

"Wait, WHAT?! You made us come here on purpose?!" Glimmer gaped at him. "Why the fuck would you want to fight this thing?" Her expression softened. "Did…did it steal something precious of yours? Or…kill your family-"

"It owes me money."

Everyone stared at him in disbelief.

"…How much money we talking?"

"Bow!"

"Come on, crew! We're in for a harrowing adventuuure!" Seahawk cheered. The huge sea serpent reared up out of the water and screeched at them hungrily.

"You can have him!" Glimmer called to it. "I'm pushing him in now!"

"Oh my God, finally!" Adora groaned, standing up. "I haven't punched anything in, like, an hour. I'm getting withdrawal. For the honor of Grayskull!" She quickly transformed into She-blah, then ran towards the edge of the boat with a rousing battle cry. "YAAAAAAAA- oh wait I forgot my floaties hold on." She halted in place, pulled her floaties over her bulging biceps, then commenced screaming and leaped into the water, smashing the serpent down under the waves.

"I can't believe you led us here on purpose! We've wasted so much time!" Glimmer glared at Seahawk in fury. "…I'm letting her break your other arm when she gets back."

"I got it!" She-blah popped up out of the water and waved, the sea serpent's severed head bobbing beside her.

"Okay, good! Let's GO now!" Glimmer shouted impatiently.

"Did you get the wallet?" Seahawk called out.

"Oh, no, just a sec."

"AAAARGGHHH!"

-With Catra-

Back on the Horde boat, the rusted-out vessel had suddenly stopped and sat in the water, unmoving.

"Hey, what's going on? Why did we stop?" Catra demanded angrily. "Kyle, what did you do?"

"I haven't done anything!" Kyle protested. "The Sea Gate is stopping us!" He pointed up a towering arch made of stone mermaids, a shimmering barrier blocking their way like a silvery curtain.

"Yeah, probably because of something that YOU did."

"What the HELL-"

"No no, she has a point," Lonnie said. The lizard guy grunted in agreement. Kyle threw his hands up in defeat.

"Let's see…" Catra snatched up a spyglass and studied the Sea Gate for a long moment. "Son of a bitch." She turned and glared at the others. "Anyone bring quarters? I'm looking at you, Kyle."

"You already stole all my lunch money-"

"No, sillybuns! The Gate doesn't work like that!" Scorpia interrupted, laughing. "I'm sure you learned all about it at the Force Captain orientation!" Catra stared at her blankly.

"…There's a Force Captain orientation?"

"Oh yeah, sure!" Scorpia went on excitedly. "There's drinks and snacks and a cool PowerPoint presentation and you get a little gift bag at the end with your badge and some stickers-"

"What the FUCK!"

"Ooh, impressive 'Captain Yell'! That was one of the PowerPoint slides, you gotta use the diaphragm-"

-With Adora-

The group had finally arrived at Salineas, docking the boat on the inner side of the Sea Gate and disembarking. Bow tottered down the ramp on a pair of stripper heels.

"Thanks, Adora!" he called over his shoulder.

"Aww, and those were my favorite pair!" Seahawk whined as he followed after the girls, both arms in slings.

"Halt, I say!" a voice suddenly cried out. Everyone looked up in surprise to see a guard calling to them from a far away tower. "What is your business here?!"

"We're here to-" Glimmer started.

"WHAT?"

"…WE'RE HERE TO-"

"WHAT?!"

"We should have brought the megaphone," Bow said sadly.

"Wait right there!" The guard disappeared down some stairs, then began working his way through a maze of streets, stairs, and walkways over to them. They waited. "Don't you move!" They waited some more. "I'll be there in a second!" After several long minutes, the guard finally staggered up to them, doubled over and struggling to catch his breath. "What…what is…gah…"

"God, man, work on your cardio," Adora snorted.

"What is your business here?" The young guard, who had long hair and aqua-themed armor, straightened and glared at them.

"We are here on an extremely important diplomatic mission-" Glimmer began.

"Baby wants to smash." Seahawk held up his cell-phone with a 'you up?' text on the screen.

-In the Throne Room-

"The fuck are you doing here?" Princess Mermista, a young woman with a blue braid and teal outfit with fish-scales, poked her trident at Seahawk's arm. He screamed. Adora, Glimmer and Bow stood before her in a sea-themed throne room while she lounged on a throne shaped like a combination conch shell/coral reef.

"…But I thought you were horny!" Seahawk cried in dismay.

"Yeah, well, I got over it. Now get out." She frowned at the others. "And who the hell are you three?"

"My name is Glimmer of Bright Moon," Glimmer said, stepping forward. "We've never met, but our parents fought together in the Rebellion-"

"Yeah, over pizza." Mermista rolled her eyes. "Speaking of which…" She snapped her fingers. "Butler! Bring us a medium pizza."

"Right away, your majesty," the guard said, bowing.

"Uh…your guard is also your butler?" Bow asked, confused.

"We're short-staffed right now," Mermista explained with a shrug. "He's also my chef and personal trainer."

"Drop down and give me twenty!" the guard shouted, rolling out the dough.

"Ugh, FIIIINE." Mermista sighed and started doing push-ups.

"Ooh, baby, you look so sexy getting all fit and sweaty!" Seahawk cooed.

"I said I wasn't horny. Now shut up, you're killing my burn!"

"So…where did everyone go?" Glimmer asked.

"They all fled because the Sea Gate is falling apart or whatever," Princess Mermista answered between grunts.

"Wait, what?" Glimmer gasped in alarm. "Isn't that kind of…important?"

"Yeah, sure, I guess." Mermista stood up and accepted a bottle of Gatorade and a towel from the guard. "Specially cuz the Horde keeps attacking us and it's, like, super rude and I'm so over it and the Gate gets weaker every day and if they attack us again we're pretty much boned." Seahawk slowly rose up into view behind her, beaming excitedly. "Not that kind of boned. Fuck off." He stuck out his lower lip in a pout and sank back down.

"Listen, we're here because we want to rebuild the Princess Alliance," Glimmer began, stepping forward. "We don't stand a chance alone, but maybe together we can will you put down your fucking phone?!"

"Huh, what?" Mermista glanced up from her phone, tapping away. "Go ahead, I'm listening."

*Tik tik tik*

"No you're not!"

"It's cool, I can multitask." *Ding!* "Oh wait hold on I just got a text." She paused, then whirled around to face Seahawk, who was still pointing his phone down his pants. "I said I wasn't fucking horny!"

"I thought you said she liked you," Bow said. Seahawk chortled.

"We have a rich and complicated past-"

"I fucking hate you." Mermista glared venomously at him. "…Wait I'm horny again take your shirt off."

"You guys are the most toxic couple I have ever seen," Bow stated. "…I totally ship it."

"I still haven't forgiven you for setting the club we were in on fire," Mermista went on, sitting down on her throne.

"Bay-beeeee I don't remember doing that," Seahawk replied, throwing himself onto her lap. "Like, literally. I was blackout wasted-"

"And then you set the bouncer on fire when they tried to kick us out."

"…Still not ringing any bells-"

"And then you set the jail on fire after we got arrested."

"…Okay I remember it now."

"What is with this guy and setting shit on fire?" Glimmer wondered aloud. "Is… is it a sex thing?"

"Plus you gave me crabs."

"WHOA, I'M SORRY, WHAT?!"

Princess Mermista held up a pair of twitching crabs, their pincers snapping in the air.

"Crabs are a romantic gift!" Seahawk argued. "…Also I was broke- YEEEEEK!" He cut off in a shriek as Mermista threw them at him.

Ignoring the general stupidity of the conversation, Adora was studying the large mural on the wall beside her. Suddenly she gasped aloud.

"Hey, this is First One writing!"

"Really? What does it say?" Glimmer asked excitedly.

"Something about…" Adora squinted her eyes. "…The Gate, I think."

"Maybe it's an instruction manual!" Glimmer clapped her hands. "We could use it to fix the Gate!"

"It says…we should try turning it off and turning it on again."

They all stood there in silence.

"…It's so crazy, it just might work!" Bow whispered.

"Princess Mermista, you need our help, and we need yours," Glimmer said, turning to her. "If we can fix your Gate, would you consider joining the Princess Alliance?"

"Hell, I'd do it if you just got rid of Seahawk," Mermista grumbled.

"Oh, we were going to do that anyway," Glimmer assured her. "Probably push him off the boat or something."

"I mean just get him out of here, not, like, kill him."

"Ohhhh, riiiight, totally what I meant-"

"Stay close to me, buddy," Bow whispered to him. "You need protection."

"It's cool, I got condoms," Seahawk said with a wink.

-Later-

Later that day, the four of them stood in front of the shimmering Sea Gate on a floating platform high up in the air. The Gate flickered weakly like a dim bulb.

"I really hope you know what you're doing," Bow muttered under his breath.

"Of course I do. Trust me." Adora held up her sword and quickly transformed into She-blah.

"Hey, uh, just wondering," Glimmer said uncertainly, "but what exactly are you going to do to fix the Gate?" She paused. "…I swear to God if you say-"

"Punch it."

"Godammit Adora!"

"Why would you expect anything else?" Bow asked.

"Because I didn't know any better shut up." As She-blah began punching the Gate repeatedly, Glimmer glanced down at the shore below. At the dock, Seahawk was struggling to untie his boat with his injured arms, getting ready to depart. "Oh thank God I thought he'd never leave." Bow glared at her and she let out a weary sigh before teleporting down to him. "Where are you- stop screaming, it's just me- where are you going?"

"Somewhere where I'm wanted," Seahawk said as he crossed his arms, screamed a little, and uncrossed them again.

"…Okay so nowhere then."

"Very funny." He sniffed and turned away, hurt. "I just need some me time, alright? It wasn't always like this, you know. I used to have friends…a crew. Every day was an adventure with them, sailing across the Grand Line, working to fulfill my dream of becoming the King of the Pirates-"

"That's One Piece."

"Whatever you get what I mean!"

"Well what happened to them? Your crew?" Glimmer narrowed her eyes suspiciously. "Don't tell me you annoyed them all away. Like us."

"Oh, heavens, NO."

"Then what-"

"I set them on fire."

"OH MY GOD-"

"Anyway," Seahawk went on, "what's the point of staying here if I'm not getting any…"

"Well, you have to respect Mermista's decision-" Glimmer began.

"…one to take me seriously," he finished.

"Oh." Glimmer blinked in surprise. "I…I know what you mean, Seahawk. I really do. My mom-"

"Also I'm not getting any ass."

"OKAY I'M DONE."

"Glitter," Seahawk said, placing a hand on her shoulder. "We've just met, but I can tell that you are a brave soul and generous soul." He paused heavily. "…Could you pay my parking ticket? Apparently this is a handicap space, also I was double-parked-"

"ENOUGH." Glimmer crumpled up the ticket and tossed it over her shoulder. "Listen to me. You still have friends- well, maybe not friends, but…people who are willing to spend more than five minutes with you. Okay? …Unless you set us on fire."

"Of course not!" Seahawk quickly put down the gasoline and matches.

Back up top, She-blah was still punching the Gate repeatedly, grunting with each blow. "WHY. WON'T. YOU. WORK?!"

"Maybe try hitting it harder?" Mermista suggested, eyes glued to her phone.

"Good idea!"

"Uh, you guys, I don't think this is working," Bow piped up.

"Nonsense!"

*Boom!*

They all staggered as the entire Sea Gate shook violently, trembling from the foundations.

"Wow, nice one!" Bow whistled.

"That wasn't me!" She-blah protested, looking around in confusion. "There!" She pointed at the Horde ship below them, sailing towards the Gate and firing a green laser. A huge hole had opened up in the Gate's curtain, gaping wide.

On the ship, Catra stood at the prow, peering through her telescope. She caught sight of She-blah and grinned.

"Keep us going," she snapped at Scorpia, who was manning the main cannon. "I've got something more important to do."

"Okay, go ahead, take a bathroom break!" Scorpia nodded with a quick salute.

"What? No, that's not what-"

"You sure? Cuz I always forget to go before we leave. And then I'm stuck and have to hold it in for like hours, it's the wooorst, and then I get these really bad UTIs that just will NOT-"

"FUCKING FORGET IT!" Catra turned and dashed off. Scorpia watched her leave, then danced in place.

"…Aww, dang! Now I have to go."

"Oh God, they're coming straight for the Sea Gate!" Bow wailed back up top. "They're not even going to politely wait in line for their turn! These people are animals-"

"Ugh, the Horde is SO annoying." Mermista held up her phone and snapped a pic. "I'm uploading this to my Instagram and telling everyone how rude you are!" she shouted down at them. "Get ready for some hate-mail!"

"Keep them busy, you guys," She-blah said, turning back to the Gate. "I'll keep punching!"

"Alright! Here I go!" Mermista leapt up high, her legs transforming into a majestic mermaid's tail as she soared through their air…and then flopped right back onto the platform with a wet splat where she lay like a dead fish, her tail twitching. The others just stared at her awkwardly. "Uhh, could someone, like, roll me off of here and into the water? Thaaanks."

"I gotchu!" Bow rolled her off the edge and she hit the water far below with a loud splash. Using his trusty bow and arrow with a rope combination, he managed to swing aboard the enemy vessel and immediately came face-to-face with Lonnie. They both stared at each other for a long moment. "…Represent."

"Represent," Lonnie answered. Then they turned and went their separate ways.

"…The fuck was that about?"

"Shut up, Kyle, you wouldn't understand."

Mermista splashed up out of the water, smashing the boat with violent waves while Bow went about sabotaging the main cannon. Force Captain Scorpia suddenly appeared and plucked him right up off his feet.

"Wow, okay, you're big," he stated.

"And you're adorable!" she said right back.

"Aww, thank you!"

"And now you're dead."

"Wait what-"

Scorpia flung Bow away, and he flew screaming through the air towards a whirring turbine.

"I came in like a wrrrreeecking ball!" Seahawk sang, swinging in on a rope and snatching him away to safety.

"Wow, thanks!" Bow gushed, clinging to him. "Are your arms feeling better?"

"Nope!" Seahawk replied. "They're still broken!"

*Pop! Pop!*

He screamed and they fell onto Seahawk's boat in a crumpled heap.

"Great job, you saved him!" Glimmer cried from the wheel. "…Why are your arms bent that way-"

"What now?" Mermista asked, leaping up onto the ship and regaining legs. Everyone glanced at the Horde boat, which continued to fire at the Sea Gate.

"I think I know how to stop them," Glimmer said. "Seahawk, I need you to do what you do best." He stared at her blankly.

"…Flirt?"

"No, not that. The other thing."

"Oh." He blinked. "Have sex with it?"

"NO!"

"Then what?!"

"Set. Your ship. On FIRE," Glimmer ground out. Seahawk stared at her wide-eyed, then slowly lifted up a gas can and some matches.

"…I have the weirdest boner right now."

"Save it for later, babe," Mermista called.

She-blah continued to struggle high above the battle, punching the Gate to no avail.

"Dammit, this isn't working!" She paused to catch her breath. "…Maybe if I head-butt it-"

"Heyyy, Adora," Catra purred, suddenly right in front of her. She-blah glared and flexed her arms.

"Catra, what a coincidence! I just warmed up my punching muscles."

"Your stupid tiara looks dumber the longer I stare at it," Catra sneered.

"Says the cat with the face guard that makes you look like that meme of a cat with a piece of toast on its face bitch what's up?" She-blah shot back.

"Don't get into an insult battle with me, Adora." Catra's eyes narrowed dangerously. "You know I'll win. I fight dirty." She held up a bag of kitty litter. "REAL dirty." She paused. "Seriously, my litter-box is fucking disgusting. Hurry up and come back."

"If you're still trying to convince me to come back to the Horde, you're really not doing a good job. Now I definitely don't want to go back."

"Check it out. With you gone, I got a promotion." Catra tapped her Force Captain badge. "Now I'm top student."

"Oh please," She-blah scoffed. "You couldn't raise your GPA with a year's worth of extra credit-"

"What the hell is WITH you?!" Catra burst out impatiently. "Just yesterday this was your dream job, and NOW look at you. You're a walking shampoo commercial! How is your hair even doing that? There is literally no wind."

"I don't know, okay, and frankly, I'm a little scared." She-blah eyed her waving hair and shuddered. "Anyway, I told you before, I am NOT going back."

"Alright, fine. I give up." Catra shrugged and turned away. She-blah blinked.

"Wow, really? That was eas-"

"Hah!" Catra whirled around, throwing kitty-litter into her eyes. She-blah cried out and staggered back. "I can't believe you ditched me for this!" Catra snarled at her. "Screw you and your stupid new friends and your stupid hair- mrroowwr!" She-blah's hair suddenly whipped around and smacked her in the face. "Oh God it's attacking me it comprehends insults-" She stumbled backwards and fell off the platform, plummeting into the ocean below.

On the Horde boat, Scorpia suddenly straightened and sniffed the air.

"I sense…a disturbance. Catra is in danger! I must go to her!" She turned and leapt off the boat with a splash. Lonnie and Kyle just stared.

"…Should we like…throw her a lifejacket or something?" Kyle asked after a moment.

"No, she'd probably just pop that one, too." Lonnie glanced up and gasped. "Oh shit!" Another boat was sailing towards them on a collision course, engulfed in flames.

"Adventuuuure!" Glimmer and Seahawk cried jubilantly from the wheel before teleporting safely away. The boat smashed into the Horde vessel and exploded in a giant ball of flame. The Horde soldiers screamed and abandoned ship.

"…How much gasoline did you have on that fucking boat?" Glimmer asked in amazement. She turned to find Seahawk and Mermista aggressively making out. "Oh God ew warn me next time."

"Sorry. I got horny again."

Once the make-out session was over, everyone finally teleported up to the platform with She-blah, cheering triumphantly.

"Awesome, guys! You did it!" she said. "Here, hold my tiara while I start head-butting this thing."

"Ooh, let me!" Bow cried excitedly. He put the tiara on and posed for a pic with Mermista.

"…How does he look better in it than I do."

Far down below, Catra flopped up out of the waves, choking out a mouthful of water, hair plastered over her face. She glared up at the celebrating friends and hissed in disgust.

"This day can't get any fucking worse-"

Scorpia popped up beside her.

"CATRA! You okay? Are you drowning? You need mouth to mouth?! Don't worry, gonna do it anyway!" She threw herself on Catra, pulling her flailing into the water.

-Later-

The Sea Gate glimmered in the sunset as everyone gathered at the base.

"So, I figured out why the Sea Gate was almost out of juice," Adora was explaining. She turned to Mermista. "You were using it to charge your cell phone."

"Oh. Whoops. My bad." She yanked the cord out and the Sea Gate immediately hummed back to life, the holes sealing closed as full power was restored. "Great, now I have to find another plug." She glanced over at Seahawk and sighed. "And I guess you need a new ship. Just take one of mine." She gestured over to a new ship floating in the bay. Her guard/butler/personal trainer promptly smashed a bottle of champagne on the side, paused, then started chugging the rest out of the broken bottle. "…It's okay he deserves it."

"It's beautiful!" Seahawk cried in delight.

"Don't fucking set it on fire or I'll set you on fire."

"…Even weirder boner," Seahawk whispered, then cleared his throat and turned to Mermista. "Princess…can I please ask for one more favor?" He got down on one knee, gazing up at her with a serious expression. Everyone stared as he reached out and tenderly took her hand. "…Can we smash?"

"OKAY sorry to interrupt this touching moment- like, literally, stop touching each other," Glimmer cut in, "but would you please, PLEASE just join the Princess Alliance already?"

"Yeah sure whatever, the Horde is just asking for an ass-whooping after what they did," Mermista sniffed. "…Plus your friend can turn into a hot eight-foot-tall lady with a sword and I kind of want a piece of that."

"Baaaabe!" Seahawk cried in dismay, then cocked an eyebrow. "…Are we talking a three-way?"

"How about a five-way?" Bow cried, drawing everyone into a group hug. "Aww! See, guys? Isn't this great- bitch are you texting?"

"What? No. Of course not."

*Tik tik tik*

"GET OFF YOUR FUCKING PHONE!"

-Episode 5 End-