A/N: *EDIT*

No reviews for this chapter, eh?

Ouch...that makes me sad...

WARNING!

This chapter has...themes. So you've been warned.

What's this?! Neon updated another story?! Is the apocalypse nigh?!

*bawls happily*

YOU GUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUYS!

Oh you magnificent glorious bastards, I don't' deserve you! You're the best! You know what you did! Thank you, thank you, thank youuuuuuuuuu! I don't know what I'd do without you and your kind words; the reviews are wind beneath my wings, they are life and happiness and keep me writing. As for the detractors...hmm. I suppose its time I addressed them.

Didn't I say that I had aplan for this series?

Instead I hobbled home from a double shift to get slapped with spam and such. Someone called it "over-saturation" but the truth is, I'm building a universe here. Rome wasn't built in a day-despite what Nero might say-but there won't be many more new stories if I have my way.

Now, then.

Lets address Berserker and Caster.

I haven't updated these two yet because the chapters. Are. LONG! We're talking an excess of ten thousand words and I want them to be just right! I'm not going to push out shoddy and rushed work, certainly not for those two! Don't even get me started on the sheer craziness of Avenger, Archer and others.

I've updated Saber, Lancer, Card, Rider, Master, Avenger, Collection-not to mention other genre-in the last few weeks and this is the thanks I get? Bah!

But since some people insist on spitting and cursing me at every opportunity...well!

Here. Another update. Out of spite for the trolls. Enjoy it. Have at ye.

Reviews are love. Reviews are life. Reviews make me strive.

References are glorious and I own nothing~!

Saber Alter is best Saber. Fight meeee~!

Fight scene coming up, so brace!

"You know, when I see my other selves...

...I'm going to punch them."

~?

Dance with the Devil

"Thanks for playing with me today, Big Brother~!"

A muscle jumped in Naruto's jaw as a soft, lilting voice bid goodbye to his back. Mental pollution and madness enhancement clawed at him like an infernal beast as he stalked out into the storm, strangling the words he wanted to say in his throat. He was going to snap at her if he opened his mouth, or worse. Anymore of this and his head was absolutely going to break in half. If he opened his mouth now he was going to say something horrible to her, terrible, horrible thing that he wouldn't be able to take back. So he didn't speak. Didn't even deign to look back until he was certain he could trust himself to look.

In the end, he contended himself with a wave as Nursery Rhyme skipped back into the safety of Chaldea's warm embrace.

This just wasn't his day.

Scratch that, this just wasn't his life!

Chaldea didn't have more than a handful of combat-capable Servants on hand as of yet, but more seemed to arrive every day. What had once been seven had nearly doubled in number in the last week. The little Caster he'd just finished escorting had been Chaldea's newest arrival. Worse, she knew him. An incarnation of him at any rate. Against his will, he'd wound up spending the better part of the day keeping an eye on her, lest she cause mischief. He hadn't even received a proper Memorial Essence yet, but the memories of some still haunted him. Not his thoughts. Not his dreams.

Damnitall he didn't even know the kid. But he'd made her cry.

The memory of this morning jabbed him painfully:

...Rider? Big brother?"

"I ain't never seen you before, kid."

Nursery Rhyme wavered in place, eyes wide.

Her lower lip trembled traitorously as he looked on.

No. She wouldn't dare. "B-B-But you promised me...you promised...

She was gonna. He saw the tears gather in her eyes a heartbeat too late.

"Hey?!" He'd sworn aloud as she burst into miserable sobs. "No no no! Don't cry! I'm sorry!"

Countless questions clamored throughout his skull like mad insects as he climbed the snowy hill, boots digging through the drifts as he neared his final destination. Bitterly cold wind lashed at his face with every step but he scarcely noticed, consumed with his thoughts a she was. Who the hell was Rider? What did he have to do with Nursery Rhyme? Bad enough that he'd been mistaken for someone else upon his arrival, but there had been yet another incident with a woman named Koyuki. He'd been avoiding that one ever since. Something in his soul reflexively flinched whenever he saw her, and she him.

In the end Avenger's frustration finally got the better of him. His heel shot out, obliterating a nearby drift.

...crying like that, that's not fair at all. How do you fight tears? S'not fair...

Sure enough, she was waiting for him as he reached the summit.

Artoria's ebony armor made her impossible to miss amidst the swirling drifts; even as the wind howled and lashed at his he could see her clear as day. Wordlessly, she raised her sword and unleashed her Noble Phantasm; not at him, but into the very heavens themselves. Excalibur unleashed its mournful wail in a beam of pure destruction, slaying the storm as surely as if it were a dragon. A brief flare of her sword's true form was all it took to banish the raging blizzard and clear the night sky for them. Huh. The stars were out in force tonight, it seemed.

"Showoff." he groused.

She merely favored him with a wan smile. "I didn't think you'd come."

A hot flush colored his cheeks. "Yeah, well...the brat kept me busy. Not my fault."

That smile shrank a fraction of an inch, though he knew not why. "Good." It was a decree.

"Good?!"

"You need to step out of your comfort zone more often." Those golden eyes so eerily alike his own narrowed. "You'll never improve as a person if you don't try new things."

He scuffed his boot against the snow. "I'm...trying alright? You can't expect me to change overnight. Its not gonna work like that."

"Is that not why we are here?" her sword swung into a ready stance.

He almost found himself mirroring it. "Fair enough."

Most Servants came up here to spar, where they could do little harm beyond the occasional avalanche. Even the Berserkers could rampage up here without fear; any damage done to the mountainside would eventually be repaired by the Caster Corps come morning. Heracles and Spartacus had done a number on it once already.

But this was not a spar; this was a battle.

An act of life and death.

This was theirs.

For whatever reason Saber had chosen him. He wanted to prove himself worthy of that trust.

Even after she'd kissed him a week ago, Artoria Pendragon baffled him to no end. Instead of keeping her distance like any sane individual would do, his fellow Alter had begun to follow him. Nothing so overt as stalking; rather, Saber followed him like a shadow. Not always seen, but ever present regardless, whether he liked it or not. She'd even dragged her cot into his quarters-against his protests!-and demanded that he cook for her. She forced him to think, to interact, to exist outside the shadowy sphere of his own thoughts. He was grateful for that much, but moreso for this.

Now, to be fair, Naruto liked many things about Chaldea.

He enjoyed her food, which, frankly, had improved markedly in the last few days.

He enjoyed climbing the towering mountains that protected her, scaling their mighty peaks.

But this, this was his favorite.

Saber fought like no one else; in strength alone she was nearly unmatched. Whenever she fought him, Naruto found he had to think. No same strategy worked on her twice. He'd had to get inventive, and she still cleaned his clock every time. Moreover, she distracted him. If he was fighting he wouldn't think about his past. If he wasn't thinking about his past-or all these other incarnations that he wanted to clobber-he could just be himself and do as he pleased. He was even considering a few pranks. When was the last time he'd done one of those?

When she moved to circle him, he did the same.

Her pale face granted him a small smile as the gap shrank between them. "I heard you made Nursery Rhyme cry this morning. Making it up to her, were you?"

Gah. She always saw right through him.

A jagged kunai slipped from his sleeve and smacked into his palm.

"Not my fault everyone's so damn clingy." he muttered into his sleeve to hide the words. "They all want me to be someone I'm not, you know?"

"Don't be, then." she said.

Naruto stuck out his tongue.

"Oh, its that simple is it, your majesty?"

She swatted him on the head, drawing an annoyed hiss. "Ow! The hell was that for?!"

"Don't be Caster." her words were sharp, almost biting. "Don't be Berserker. Don't be an Exile. Be you."

That was why he liked her. Artoria didn't see the others when she looked at him. She saw him for him, and him alone.

On some level he understood that his Caster incarnation was to blame for this; their rapport had only been established because the latter had slain Saber in battle. At least, he assumed he had. Hadn't he? He must have; if only because nothing else made sense. If he hadn't killed Artoria, then how was she here? Had he purified her someone? Reduced or replaced her with a weaker incarnation, which thereby resulted in her being summoned by Chaldea in the first place? It begged a question but he ignored it, stuffing the inquiry into the back of his mind where it slowly smothered away.

Regardless, it didn't change the fact that she'd sworn herself to him, not Caster.

...I really don't deserve you."

"No." she sniffed imperiously, unable to keep the smile from her face. "You do not. I will accept meals as your tribute."

Then she tried to stab him.

"I-hey!" Naruto flounced away, arms pinwheeling. "No fair! I wasn't ready!"

"All's fair in love and war, Avenger!"

When she struck out again he leaped over the swipe, only for a mailed fist to crash into his face. He rode the blow out and seized her arm in retaliation, flinging her over his shoulder at an explosive speed. And if she just happened to collide with a drift...well. Happy coincidence.

"Point for me!"

A retaliatory mana burst flattened him into the snow.

...you do realize," he ground out against a mouthful of wet powder, "This means war."

Excalibur flicked out at his face with a mournful howl. "Then, as King, I shall repel your invasion! Come!"

In a bolt of black smoke he surged forward and cut out at her legs. Excalibur interposed itself between him and her heel.

He blurred and she followed, their bodies striking at impossible angles, counters and feints flowing into a mad dance that few could match.

Saber worked him through the motions as she always did, yet fought with just as much if not more ferocity than him. Slowly at first, but with steadily increasing speed and savagery, she set the pace and beat his harried offense back. He welcomed her wrath wholeheartedly and fought back in equal measure. This was his way of bleeding out the tension brought on by his mental pollution and madness enhancement. It had proven...rather effective.

He chambered a kick and she caught it against the flat of Excalibur's blackened edge, forcing him to use that very leg to bound away lest he be disemboweled.

She'd do it, too. Last time he'd had to reattach an arm.

Say what you would about her eating habits, but Artoria was a fierce fighter.

Artoria bounded after him with a low chuckle, one that warped into a sudden and exultant laugh-one he shared-as he snapped up and sprung off his hand. Twin boots crashed into her chest, eliciting a grunt from the stoic king as her foul armor buckled beneath the blow. Rather than delay, she simply tore the offending pauldron aside and leaped at him anew.

Nothing short of a fatal blow to the head or heart would stop either of them, and each Alter held back just enough to prevent death.

This time, when Saber reached him, Naruto was more than ready.

Naruto spat blood as her Mana Burst sheared through his armor, but too late.

Excalibur slashed at him like a shadow; rather than evade he simply reached out with his right hand and seized the burning blade by its edge. Pain spiked down the length of his arm as the roaring prana overtook him, but he shunted the pain aside and twisted his wrist to reel her in even as his limb imploded from within. He grinned in spite of the pain, a victorious roar tearing from his throat.

He had her.

Victory was finally his.

One swift tug was all it took to entrap Saber in his arms.

Artoria must've taken that as the cue to disengage their duel; rather than impale him as she'd done prior, her body went slack in his grasp. Her armor soon followed, banished in a swirl of dark light to leave her clad in her dark gown as she tucked her head into his chest. Without thinking, Naruto inhaled, drawing the frigid air into his lungs, but also her scent-warmsoftmine-as her own arms closed around his waist.

"Does that count as a win?"

Golden eyes flicked to his mangled limb.

"Your poor arm. I thought I told you suicidal tactics were prohibited."

"To be fair, I'll heal, so it really doesn't count as a self-sacrificing strategy at all-

"Prohibited." she swatted him on the nose before he could argue. Gods, she really did love that word.

"You can't keep tossing that word around like that," Naruto sighed, "It starts to get old after awhile, you know?"

A dangerous light flashed in her eyes.

"How about this, then?"

She gave him a light shove. Unfortunately, Saber's idea of "light" was pretty damn forceful by half. Breath burst from Naruto's lungs, causing him to squawk like a parrot as he toppled backward into a drift. Saber followed him down, riding his body with her own. Warm lips closed around his own as she kissed him fiercely, her slender curves pressing against him through his armor, chasing the chill from his bones. His pulse quickened despite the cold ground against his back and he caught himself returning the kiss with equal fervor before sense reasserted itself.

"Er...Saber?"

"Yes?" she didn't stop kissing him.

"I hardly think this is the time or the place-

She let the straps of her dress fall, exposing her bare breasts.

...why was he protesting this again? Why was he arguing at all, for that matter?

"Wellokaythen!"

(...Minutes Later...)

A quick cool down lap saw them within the halls of Chaldea once more.

"I can't believe we did that." Naruto grumbled, dusting himself off. "I'm going to have snow in all sorts of places."

Artoria preened, resting her head against his shoulder as they walked. "Why, whatever do you mean? I have no recollection of what you speak, Avenger."

'Cheeky girl!'

A small part of him longed to call her on her bluff, but thought better of it; if only because it would make her angry. Fine, let her preen. It wasn't as if this changed anything; they'd been intimate a time or two before this, but Artoria had surprised him all the same. He really had trouble reading her these days. Her whims were as fickle as the wind, the one constant in her life was her insatiable appetite for food and...other aspects of life. If she wanted to cuddle with you, then gods be damned, you were going to be cuddled. You had no say in the matter.

Passing a stray Servant, he paused just long enough to incline his head as he held the door open for them.

"Such a gentleman." Da Vinci hummed, scooting past the two of them. "Don't forget now, you have an appointment tomorrow."

Naruto grimaced at the reminder. "Do you have to? I feel fine, there's really no need for a checkup, right?"

Her wand swatted him on the cheek. "No! We have to make sure your Saint Graph is stable!"

"I collapsed one time!"

"Don't make me call Heracles again." her brow grew stormy.

Naruto's face turned ashen at the reminder. On his arm he felt Saber stiffen, and plant a hand over her mouth to stifle a small smile. Traitor! She knew how much he hated being manhandled! Honestly, how did you argue with a creature made of pure muscle and rage? The answer was quite simple. You didn't. You didn't argue with Da Vinci, either. Honestly, the girl was entirely too willful and stubborn by half; even if she was concerned for the state of his body, she certainly had strange ways of expressing it...

"Alright, alright!" he groused, conceding the point. "Do whatever you want."

Da Vinci chirruped happily. "I will~! See you tomorrow, Avenger!"

Naruto swatted her shoulder and she bounced away.

"Just for that, you're getting an extra shot~!"

"Hey!"

"See?" Saber giggled. "You can be nice when you want."

Damnit. Naruto settled for a small sigh.

Bloody girls. He just couldn't win.

...that's just not fair."

In the end they gravitated toward the cafeteria; Naruto wasn't quite sure why, only that they did. He wasn't feeling particularly hungry. Saber seemed to be, judging by the way her eyes lit up at the smorgasbord laid out before them.

By comparison to his last visit, the once empty chamber now teemed with life. Its bland white walls had been painted over with a seamless red, which in turn caught the eye. He even spied a handful of Servants scattered about the Chaldean employees.

Given a few months, this place would be thriving.

He glimpsed the stoic form of Heracles, Nursery Rhyme perched contentedly upon her shoulders.

There was Jeanne by her lonesome again; though their fellow Alter perked up the moment she saw them.

"Hey, lovebirds!" she called. "Over here!"

Naruto turned scarlet.

More had gathered since he'd been here last, newcomers and veterans all. He hadn't met many of them; one might even say he'd gone out of his way to avoid them. They weren't exactly the center of attention, but they certainly didn't escape notice either. Jeanne's shout only made it worse. Saber paid no attention to any of them as they grabbed their trays. None whatsoever. Her target was already well in sight. Victory was all but hers, her conquest assured. No sooner had she seen the food than she shot across the room like an arrow loosed from a bow.

When she returned, her tray was piled high with treats, a strange hodgepodge that one couldn't even begin to describe.

"Ah, yes. Food. Your one true love. How could I forget."

She elbowed him. "What did you want?"

"Have at it." he reassured her. "I'll wait here-

"Ho?" a new voice interjected before she could speak. "So we meet at last, mongrel."

Naruto's tray nearly shattered in his grasp. Hmm. That would've been a preferable alternative to dealing with this uppity bastard. He'd been warned about him. Every new Servant was given the same warning, told to stay out of his way or, at worst, wait for a Master if provoked. Beside him, Saber groaned and briefly buried her head into her hands.

He'd been avoiding this day for ages.

He'd been doing such a good job of it, too...!

Clad in resplendent golden armor, he was the picture of cruel poise and grace; handsome, yet also cold. Aloof, yet prideful. Generous, yet inherently vicious all the same.

This, then, must be Gilgamesh.

Something in him tensed as the King of Heroes approached their table. He did not deign to sit with them. That would mark them as equals.

Instead he simply...stared.

"Ah." those keen red eyes flicked him up and down, "I see. I thought you to be Caster, but you are not him. A pity." his smile twitched. "I had thought to avenge myself upon the dog who plundered my vault and made off with one of my treasures. But I see my mistake now; you aren't even a shadow of your true self. A pity. I was almost interested in you. Still," a pair of golden portals bloomed at his back, "Perhaps I should kill you; if only to rid myself of your loathsome stench.

Artoria frowned. "Let us be, King of Heroes. We have no quarrel with you."

"Silence, Saber." those vicious red eyes cut to her with frightful intensity. "The King has not addressed you. Begone from my sight, lest you offend me further even further than you already have. I have no interest nor use for another's leavings."

To her credit, Artoria didn't so much as bat an eyelash at his vicious invective. She weathered the King's tirade with great aplomb. An outside observe would've recognized her self-assured attitude for what it was; as one who had endured such insults countless times in the past. She'd learned to live with them; learned that against the King of Heroes, silence was her greatest weapon. He couldn't get a rise out of her if she didn't grant him the opportunity. It was just that simple. As one of the first Servants of Chaldea, she knew this truth better than most.

Gilgamesh...was just someone you had to endure. Or avoid. Again, she knew this from sheer experience.

"Oi."

Not so Naruto.

A slow and ancient fury roused itself within him, like a wolf protecting part of its pack. He'd managed to leash it until now; hold it back even as it struggled and strained against its leash. But now? Now it broke free and all but bared its fangs in his face.

"Just where the hell," he began slowly, "Do you get off calling her that?"

"I am the King." Gilgamesh scoffed. "It is my right to judge those beneath me."

"Its alright, Avenger." Saber soothed, laying a hand on his arm. "His words mean nothing; I care not for them."

"Well they mean something to me!" just as quickly, he wriggled his way free to surge forward. "What's your deal, goldie?!"

"Ah, so you've laid claim to her, then?" heedless of the Alter's ever-mounting fury, the King of Uruk merely raised a golden brow. "Pity. I had thought you better than that."

All the world went silent.

"Why you little...?!"

"That's enough, King of heroes." someone snapped from a nearby table. "You're going too far."

Gilgamesh sneered. "Silence, faker. Perhaps if this dog bows before his king, he may yet receive mercy."

Avenger was silent for a long, ponderous moment.

"I have only ever bowed to one. And you...are not him."

He took one look at this arrogant ruler and made a snap decision.

Then he reared back like a snake and struck Gilgamesh right across the face.

It was a very good slap, or so Saber thought; for Naruto struck hard and fast, the sound of said strike rippled across Chaldea like a shockwave and turned all eyes towards them. Gilgamesh's head snapped to the side and jerked back thrice as fast as he stumbled back half a step. He showed no weakness, only stunned surprise. An armored arm rose slowly, touching his now dented cheek, but that shock was already warping into a wave of pure outrage, a tsunami of unholy wrath that would scour all before it.

Jeanne blinked. "Well. Shit."

Vlad swore softly. "That was...foolish."

Angra Mainyu just gaped. "Does he have a death wish?"

Mephistoles tilted his head. "A thousand ryou says he manages to get away."

Emiya crashed back with a laugh. "That's hell he's walking into...but its worth it! I'll take that bet!"

And all the while Gilgamesh just...stood there. Everyone knew the reprieve wouldn't last. A third golden portal erupted at his back. Then five. Seven. Nine. Twelve. One after the other, each swelling to fill the room with an absolute array of teeming saffron light. Yet he didn't attack. Sheer incredulity held him back. He'd never been struck before. The blond's blow had bypassed his passive defenses as if they weren't even there and that mute horror/anger was all that stayed his hand. Unfortunately, all that confusion was overshadowed by unyielding rage.

"You...dare?"

Naruto grinned.

Well. He'd dug his grave.

Might as well make himself comfortable.

Rounding on the still-stunned King, he reached out, plucked a tomato from Artoria's tray and-heedless of her yelp-smashed it against the King's face. Sure enough the ripe fruit didn't fail him; exploding on contact with his royal visage in a shower of ketchup. This time, someone laughed. He never was sure who.

"Some hero you are." He turned his head and spat on a golden boot. "What were you king of again? Ashes?"

"You unsightly little waste of SPACE-

A bowl of pudding slapped into Gil's back.

The King spun, searching for his attacker in the mess.

A sea of innocent faces gazed back at him, none moving an inch.

"Who dares?!" he roared! "I'll smite you! Skewer you! Stab you a thousand-

Splat.

This time there could be no mistaking the intent; or perhaps Vlad was just a touch too slow to escape unnoticed. Regardless, the blueberry pie he'd thrown made quite the impression upon Gilgamesh's golden armor. The fact that the Lord Impaler's serene visage never once wavered in the face of the King's fury. Of course, Gilgamesh couldn't let that stand; rather than grab a sword he seized the first thing within arms reach-a banana-that was quite deliberately placed where he would grab it. Unfortunately, he underestimated his own grip. The poor fruit imploded from the force of his grasp, showering him further in foodstuffs.

"THIS MEANS WAR!"

Everyone bolted upright, seizing food.

Flipping him off, Naruto grabbed a watermelon.

And all the world erupted into golden light and food.

It was a food fight unlike any other, the greatest the world would ever see.

A/N: Best. Food fight. Ever.

Ahhhhh, references, references for miles.

I don't own jaaaaaack, I'm just a penniless author.

BAHAHAHA! They said I wouldn't do it, but I did! There's your introduction to Avenger!

Naruto as an Alter/Avenger, but not at all the kind you'd expect. We're also going with the male Fujimaru in this route for obvious reasons. As to the pairing...well. One might thing that was obvious, but I'll keep my lips sealed for now. Madness and hilarity await! This chapter was such a blast to write, and I hope you all sincerely enjoy it. Now then, I'm off to work a double, looking forward to your reviews when I get back!

Clearly this is going to be different from Not My Chaldea for several reasons, but I'll leave it to you to find them.

So in the Immortal Words of Atlas...

...Review Would You Kindly?

Hop you enjoyed!

R&R~!

=D