Soft breasts, beating heart

Song: Tear You Apart- She Wants Revenge

Kai just wants to help Bonnie heal, but that doesn't mean he can't hurt her along the way. BonKai get into a bit of S&M. If violence bothers you then skip this one.

This came to me as I was listening to this song. I know it would have been an easy setup, but I went ahead and took out the tragic childhood because it felt too cheap. Kai isn't a sadist because he's got Daddy issues- that's low hanging fruit. Anyway, I want to be SUPER clear, this is about sadism and masochism, so if that's not something you wanna read about then leave this fic be...

I don't own TVD and these are not my characters...without further ado...

I want to hold you close

Skin pressed against me tight

Lie still, and close your eyes girl

So lovely, it feels so right

He was a sadist, but he'd known that about himself for a while now.

He always liked pain, liked causing it, liked seeing how other people wore it. Fortunately, there was no shortage of consenting masochists to focus his desires on. The internet being what it was finding a willing victim was nothing more than a click away.

He can admit he'd done some less than noble things, but that was before; when he was younger, less controlled. One such time, in middle school, he shoved Sarah Geller off the top of the slide just to watch her fall. One minute she was at the top of the jungle gym and the next she wasn't. He barely remembers actually pushing her, but who else could have done it? He'd felt bad about it, but when she got up, knees scraped and elbows bloody he'd been transfixed. Her mother called his and he could hear her shrill tone through the receiver as he watched from the other side of the kitchen. "Tell your freak of a son to stay away from my child."

Freak- he didn't much like the weight of it; felt like a blanket he couldn't crawl from underneath: smothering and oppressive. In addition to overhearing the insult, he was punished; on top of having to write the girl a letter in apology, he was forced to attend some outpatient juvenile anger management class. He thought about explaining to his family that the reason he pushed Sarah was not out of anger, but then he realized he'd have to somehow explain he did just to see her fall and he instantly thought better of it. Looking back it was fitting for his actions, but at the time it felt wholly unfair.

Deeper than the Gellar incident, though, was a memory he'd long buried.

He'd been young- around 5 or 6. Jo and he were playing with dolls in the attic when she took his from his hands.

"Give it back, Josie!" he whined, but she only poked her tongue out at him and kept playing. He lunged for her and grabbed hold of her wrist intent on taking back his doll. Before either of them knew what happened the skin Kai was holding onto burned red and his sister was screaming. Kai was still- he didn't want to hurt his sister- but something about her scream made him curious; he focused on the sound. Moments passed and he registered that she was still yelling- only then did he pull his hands away. In reality, it had been a matter of seconds, but it felt excruciatingly longer for the both of them. "Sorry, Josie! I- I don't know what happened! I'm sorry! I'm sorry!" It was too late. His mother heard the screaming and came rushing in. She looked between the two and demanded an explanation. He told her he just wanted his toy back and Josette wasn't playing fair, he hadn't meant to hurt her, honest! He told his mother he wanted to take the toy but then his hands glowed.

"Show me" was all she said. He tentatively took his mother's hand she gasped when he made contact.

Siphon.

That's when he found out what he was.

He felt intense shame when it happened- shame that he hurt his sister, shame that hurting seemed to come to naturally to him, and shame that pain piqued his curiosity. He was an abomination.

After that, he kept his hands to himself. Once his parents figured out what he was it was easy-they often reminded him to be careful who he touched and chastised him when he got too close. His family made sure he kept a wide berth between himself and his siblings at all times. He understood, somewhat, but it was hard not touching anyone. He was a kid, after all, he wanted to play hand games with his siblings, wanted to wrestle and rough house, wanted to hug and be comforted, but he was always reminded to keep his distance. He learned to conceal it then.

Few "accidents" happened throughout the rest of his childhood. He learned how to handle his ability and became sufficiently distracted. Siphons weren't uncommon, but they weren't favored either. He had support, but he often felt like a black sheep in his family. In his coven especially. It wasn't a secret that most of the Gemini looked down on siphons- he was fortunate to get what little support he did. Between managing his siphoning ability, being the joint-eldest of 7 brothers and sisters, and navigating the mess that was his coven he barely had time to live a normal life let alone fantasize about causing pain...

It wasn't until much later, in his sophomore year of college, that he revisited his capacity for hurt.

He was in the middle of fooling around with a girl from his Theory of Identity class. They'd been messing around for a couple of months and the sex was great, but something felt different tonight. Normally she'd lead, but tonight she deferred to him. Not only that, but she kept doing little things she knew pissed him off. He thought she wanted him to take control, but when he reached for her she pushed his hands away, when he kissed her she bit his lips, and when he touched her softly she groaned in annoyance. After 30 mins of neither of them being satisfied, she clued him in. "I want you to hurt me, Kai".

Simple, just one sentence. She wasn't asking for some elaborate fantasy or something so unreasonable, she just wanted to be hurt. He was jarred none the less. Here this girl he'd been fooling around with for the better part of the semester was making a simple ask of him, but he was thrown by it. In his experience girls like gentleness and being touched tenderly. He didn't mind those things, he even liked that most times, but something deep within him had always desired something more: something darker.

It was something he fantasized about- but he'd always imagined it had to remain there, in his head. After the incident with the Gellar girl, Jo had reamed him out just as thoroughly as their mother. "You're not supposed to hit girls, Kai!" She screamed it at him then launched into an hour-long monologue about and how fucked up he was. It stuck. Even now it rang in his head like a mantra. His forgotten fantasy was manifesting itself on its own in front of him and he felt too stuck to delve into it. Go figure.

They started off tentatively, despite his lifelong unspoken interest, this was his first time actually charting this territory. There was still fear in his bones, fear he'd do real damage or come on too strong. The last thing he needed was to hurt her in a way she didn't want to be or come across as too aggressive. This was a first for him and he wanted to be precautious as much as he wanted to savor it. So they began with light slapping and from there they progressed. By the end of the night, they were both heaving and satisfied. Kai knew something had changed in him, deep in his gut he felt it. As he laid in the afterglow and processed the night he felt his mind had been blown. It wasn't just that the sex was phenomenal, Kai was amazed because it was so much sweeter than all those years ago. With Jo, he'd just been curious and with Sarah his interest was clouded with remorse. Before, his joy was tinged with guilt, but now, now it was different. Having someone who wanted to be hurt, to be marked, and maimed thrilled him.

Alas, no Bonnie in this chapter, but she will make her appearance soon! Don't you fret. This was mainly about establishing some back story and giving Kai's POV and intro into all this. Rest assured this is a BonKai story.

Until next time...