Give Me Some Time to Find My Spine, It's Around Here Somewhere

;;

So . . . everyone's promises that JP was a good guy who would make her happy were pretty accurate. JP was a nice guy, and Mia did like hanging out with him. It was just . . .

Well, she'd put it pretty well to Dr Knutz at their last session.

;

The clock ticked down – less than five minutes were left in her therapy session.

"It's not that I don't like JP, or that I don't have fun with him when we're together, but I'm also not gonna lie and say that our relationship – it isn't really hitting the same emotional notes for me as my relationship with Michael did." Mia was sat in her usual chair in Dr Knutz's office, gazing at the big painting of running horses above Dr Knutz's head. It was easier to keep her eyes on that painting than her therapist's face when she talked about stuff like this.

"Is that a bad thing, having a relationship that isn't as intense as your one with Michael?" Dr Knutz had this habit of only asking questions to further Mia's ramblings until they hit something that both a) made sense, and b) he could then pick apart into coherent advice. Mia kinda both hated and loved it.

"Not really, but I can't help but feel . . . I don't know. Like this one is just – less, somehow. There's something not there, and it's all I can focus on. It feels like I'm just faking my way through this relationship with JP, whereas friendship with him was just so easy. I don't know. Maybe I'm focusing too much on one aspect of it. But. ." Mia faltered. Dr Knutz pounced.

"But you think that because your relationship with JP is a 'less' feeling thing than your relationship with Michael, you aren't sure if you're having a relationship correctly?"

Mia nodded, relieved that he didn't make her say it. "I guess so. I liked being friends with JP. I never even thought about him that way, not in the whole time I knew him, until he told me he was in love with me. But I don't think I've ever had feelings for JP the way he wants me to –"

Dr Knutz interrupted, asking, "What do you say when JP tells you he loves you?"

"I tell him, like, 'me too', or 'I think I love you too' or something like that."

"But you don't feel that way. You just told me so."

"Yeah, but I'd rather lie to my boyfriend than hurt his feelings deliberately."

Dr Knutz looked disappointed. "I thought we'd come to a consensus on your lying, Mia."

"Yeah, but there's a difference between lying about what I did with my day, or my mood, and bluntly telling my boyfriend 'I don't' when he says 'I love you'."

At which point, their hour was up and Mia got both the last word, and no real advice about her situation.

Ugh.

;

So, instead of getting actual, useful advice from her very-highly-paid therapist, Mia had to resort to a decidedly biased source for advice: her mother.

Helen Thermopolis had made her feelings about Mia's relationship with JP pretty clear over the last few weeks – she liked that Mia wasn't depressed anymore, but didn't like that she'd jumped into a new relationship so quickly after such a dramatic ending and fallout of Mia's last relationship. (Privately, Mia kind of agreed.)

Helen liked JP, but she didn't like him for Mia.

"Mum . . .when you realized that you loved Frank, did it feel different from being in love with guys before him?" Mia asked quietly.

Helen, who was doing line art drawings of Rocky as he slept on his pillows on the floor, his toys surrounding him like petals on a flower, looked up from her snoozing baby, a crinkle in her brow. "Why?" The word brooked no evasion.

Mia shrugged, "Just asking. Is love different every time you fall for someone else?"

Helen lowered her pencil and sketchbook.

"Well, bluntly, yes. I've never loved anyone the way I love Frank. It's . . . he's a comfort. I look forward to spending time around him. I enjoy spending time around him. He makes me laugh, we share the same values – mostly; he's a good father to Rocky, and a good stepfather to you." Here Helen stared down at her sketchpad, as if it held all the descriptive words she needed to get her point across. "It's not the big, dramatic love that's in romance movies or books, but, it's a real kind of love. The kind you don't see in movies, because it's not dramatic. It's domestic. It's stronger than the big flashy shows of affection. What I have with Frank is something that's going to last our lives. Being around Frank . . . I'm happy. I'm comfortable. I'm calm. I don't feel nervous or scared that he's not going to like something about me today, because I know he likes me, warts and all. Besides, if he still loves me after he saw me pregnant with Rocky and the mess I was by the end -" Mia winced. Helen in her third trimester had not been a fun time for anyone. "- then I know that Frank is a keeper. He's the type of man you marry and have a life with. And I did exactly that."

Mia felt a little nonplussed. Neither her relationships with Michael or JP made her feel that way.

"So it's different depending on the person and who you are at the time?"

"Yeah, honey, obviously. Mia, why are you asking this? What's the matter?" Helen looked worried.

Mia frantically brushed her off, "I'm fine. Everything's fine. I was just wondering, Mum, that's all."

Mia booked it out of the room, Helen's worried eyes following her.

;

JP was smiling at her across the dinner table. The lights were low, the setting romantic and cozy, the food delicious. If only they didn't have the flashing light bulbs of paparazzi with nothing better to do lighting up the window and ruining the ambiance every minute and a half. It's hard to get in a cozy mood with your boyfriend when you're half-blinded every other minute.

Still. She was out with her boyfriend on a Sunday night, she looked great – Lana was a GREAT friend to have when panicking about your outfit. She'd helped Mia buy a whole new wardrobe, and Lana had an excellent memory for clothes. She didn't even need to be in the room to decide which clothes would look best on you – and Mia was determined to have a good time. JP's dad had finagled them a table at Petite Boucherie, the fancy French restaurant near the Village. JP had never been to France, he said, so he wanted Mia to tell him whether the food was Authentically French.

Personally, Mia had never particularly cared about 'Authentic' food, so long as it was good food. Yeah, if it was a country's signature dish or something, and it was made by someone from that country, more the power to them. But people who could make food well and were just taught how were not any less talented chefs – she'd always been confused and bored by people that insisted there was something better about French or Italian food made by French or Italian people, rather than just people who'd been taught by French or Italian chefs, or taught by people who had been taught by French or Italian people. Good food was good food. Who made it was never a real concern for Mia, as long as the food was made hygienically and following Health and Safety Codes.

But that sort of thing was something JP was concerned with, so Mia didn't give him that whole spiel the way she probably would've if it was Michael she was eating with.

Anyway. In lieu of thinking about her ex-boyfriend, Mia watching JP as he ate, keeping her eyes on his jaw and throat as he chewed. JP was in possession of a very nice jawline, and a lovely neck – all honey-tanned skin and light stubble of a blonde five-o-clock shadow. His blue eyes were twinkling in the low light of the restaurant. God, he was handsome. It made Mia feel guilty for not being interested in him – someone who looks like this wanted her, and she didn't want him back?

It wasn't like Josh Ritcher wanting her, two years ago when the whole princess mess shoved itself into her life. Josh had wanted her for her fame, for fifteen minutes of it for himself, the paparazzi that would put him in magazines and on TV, and maybe her tiara. It was a nice tiara.

Josh had wanted her for the outside, such as it was. Michael had wanted her in spite of the outside. And JP . . . JP wanted all of her, inside and outside. Inside, the aspiring novelist with depression and anxiety who wanted to play with her cat and little brother and hang out with her friends; and he wanted the outside, in spite of the paparazzi and the invasions of their privacy on their dates. When Mia was dragged into attend something as Princess of Genovia, because Grandmere was on a power trip with her authority over Mia after Mia 'ruined their lives' with the revelation about Princess Amelie, JP would offer to put on a suit and join her as an official escort. It was comforting, really, to go somewhere with JP on her arm. But she didn't really love the tabloid reaction to her relationship with him.

Case in point: when they left Petite Boucherie to go home, the paps oh-so-lovingly clinging to them like barnacles to a boat; they were treated to delightful questions such as,

"So the two of you are getting serious, huh? Third dinner date in six days, yeah?"

"What's the status of your relationship with your ex-boyfriend, now that he's in Japan? Are there any hard feelings about you moving on so quickly?"

Great times being had.

Making out in the limo back to JP's place was fun, even if it did make the whole date rather roundabout and traffic getting back to the Village sucked.

;

But that was a whole damn thing, wasn't it? That JP wanted both Normal Mia and Princess Amelia? Wasn't that a good thing, that he was willing to overlook the annoyance Mia's royal status caused, and even take something out of it? Was it bad that Mia got the sense JP wouldn't be half as thrilled about dating her if she wasn't royal, with everything that came with it?

Was she being picky?

She wanted to date boys that liked Normal Mia, but he'd have to also deal with Princess Amelia and everything about her, because Princess Amelia wasn't going anywhere. At all. Mia'd tried.

Like, the Venn diagram of normal, nice boys into that situation was slim. She could try to find one that were into Normal Mia, or Princess Amelia, but . . . she thought she'd found one in the middle.

Michael. He'd liked her before she was a princess, and he wanted Normal Mia. Princess Amelia was what drove him to Japan, because for some reason being a princess intimidated a guy so smart that he was tapped to be in charge of a heart-surgery robot arm in Japan when he hadn't finished his undergraduate degree yet.

And then . . . JP. He'd only known Mia after Princess Amelia was an aspect of her life, but he'd known her eight months as Normal Mia. Sure, they'd met in a situation with the trappings of Princess Amelia, but Normal Mia was there the whole time. JP liked Normal Mia, when she'd figured that Michael was the only boy who ever did.

But . . . JP didn't really make her feel the same way Michael did. With Michael, Mia would lose herself in being around him. Kissing him was a distraction from anything around her – with JP, Mia was aware of everything, not just JP's hands on her, but how loud they were being, how awkward her leg was where his was pressing it into the car seat, or the couch. She was aware of how big JP was, pressing into her. Sometimes Mia kissed JP with her eyes open, and she catalogued how tightly he had his eyes shut, and how his stubble was rubbing against her cheek, and the noises JP made when he kissed her.

It wasn't the loss of caring Michael caused – it was intense attention at things that . . . didn't really put Mia in the mood to keep going.

But, with JP, she had a boy who was interested in Broadway theatre, and pop music, and writing.

With Michael, she had a boy who talked science gibberish that she didn't understand, who didn't really get why Mia would be upset about something until it exploded out into their relationship.

Was JP her Mr Gianini? Her 'comfortable'? Her 'domestic'?

Frankly, pass. Mia likes JP, but not that much.

Was she wanting too much? Was wanting a boy who could deal with Normal Mia and Princess Amelia without being sucked into the vortex of it all too much to ask. Maybe. But that didn't mean she had to settle for less than love on her end. She liked JP, but she didn't love him, and honestly? She didn't really think she wanted to, or had to, just because he was nice to her.

;

"Does it make you a bad person not to return someone's love?"

"I feel like these questions are taking us in circles, Mia." Dr Knutz was good at hiding his expressions, but his tone of voice had an air of exasperation.

"Yeeah, well, you were the one to tell me to do one thing every day that scared me, or that I wasn't sure I wanted to do, and now I'm in a relationship that I'm honestly not super invested in, with a sweet guy who tells me he loves me every conversation, and I don't feel the same, so I'm feeling guilty over it! SO what am I supposed to do? Bottle this feeling up and only write about it in my journal? THAT's not healthy. Everyone keeps saying that. And you're my therapist. My dad's paying you to help me work through my problems. Well, now that I'm halfway out of this mental hole I've fallen into, and I'm feeling better, then can I please work on the mental issue that I'm not particularly attracted to my boyfriend?"

"We can, if you'd like. Where shall we start?"

"I mean, there's nothing wrong with JP, really. He's a good guy, we share interests, but. The best I can say about our relationship is that it's 'fine'." She even pulled out actual finger-quotes, just to get the point across. "Not overly happy, but fine. Is it wrong of me to want more than that? I've had relationships with more than that. I dated Kenny – a relationship I wasn't even invested in, with a guy I didn't really want to date, and I still had funner dates with him than some of the ones I've had with JP. And I was pining after another guy!"

"Alright. So, if you don't love JP, and you don't think you're going to, why are you in a relationship with him?" Dr Knutz made the question sound like an obvious statement. If you didn't and don't want this, why are you doing this?

Because . . . because everyone had told her how good JP would be for her. How good they looked together. Because other people said so, and Mia was depressed and couldn't make up her own mind. Mia told Dr Knutz this. He told her about a horse he'd once owned, named Sugar. Sugar had seemed like a great horse, but whenever Dr Knutz tried to ride her, he could never find a comfortable place in her saddle, and stopped trying to ride her. Eventually, Dr Knutz sold Sugar to someone else, because it wasn't fair to Sugar.

Mia got his point. "JP's my Sugar. He's perfect for me, on paper. But there's no real anything there between us, so instead we're just forcing it. I get it."

"So what are you going to do?" Dr Knutz looked at her like there was only one real answer.

"Break up with him, so he can find someone he fits with." Mia – she wasn't upset by the admission.

;

So, for some reason, paparazzi think it's a good story that the Princess of Genovia and her boyfriend are . . . hanging out in a park? Like, Mia and JP are eating soft pretzels and walking around Central Park on a Thursday, because Grandmere is having a spa week so that she doesn't have to look at Mia and seethe about the coming democracy for Genovia. That's it. The most they could get for a comment is the pretzel vendor.

Then why the hell has Mia and Lars spotted, like, eight separate people taking photos of her? And how did they know she'd be here? JP had invited her out about ten minutes before they got to the park. How did they get here so quickly?

Oh god.

He's calling them.

JP is calling the reporters when they go out and telling them where they're going, so he can be in magazines.

Suddenly, Mia's pretzel wasn't sitting so well with her. In fact, she sort of wanted to vomit.

At least Josh Ritcher had the decency to be upfront about using her celebrity to get into papers.

;

Because, really, the reporters turning up when she's just hanging out in public, with her boyfriend, being Normal Mia – it started at that first date-not-a-date, when she and JP went to see Beauty and the Beast together, and the paper ran that photo of them, looking all couple-y, even though they weren't. Mia'd freaked out when she saw, because who told?

How many times was she going to fall for this? How many times was Mia going to let people into her life, when all that draws them to her is her tiara?

It's just . . . now she's thinking about it, lying on her bed and staring at her ceiling, Fat Louie lounging on her stomach, at lot of JP's words – sure, he was accurate with his summation about her friendship with Lilly, but other than that . . . he'd been sitting on her Loft stoop the night of the Domina Reis meeting, waiting for her after she dropped the Amelie bomb – there'd been news coverage about what she'd done at the meeting. What had he said, before she explained?

"One minute you're a regular girl, and the next, you're a princess. And a few years later, you're a princess, and the next minute . . . you're not."

You're not a princess, so I'm not in love with you anymore? You're not a princess, and I just don't find you attractive without the tiara?

"Well, I'm glad you've still got all the royal settings, that's good. Nothing changes except your career, cool."

Why? Because otherwise being a princess in title only, but no jewels or gowns or palaces at your disposal is stupid? It that all Mia's worth? Her title?

It just . . . it sucks that she's only just realizing this. She's dating a phony. A guy – a pretty guy, a smart guy, a guy with the same interests she has – a guy using Princess Amelia to get his foot in the door of the writing industry, because saying you're dating royalty is a bribery chip not many people can claim, and getting yourself into tabloids is a thrill rush that Mia just. Doesn't get. Doesn't want.

God, how many times is Princess Amelia going to get in the way of Normal Mia?

Like, really, how many?

Sure, she's only dated four guys total in her life – although one disastrous date with Josh Ritcher probably doesn't count at all, but given JP is doing to her what Josh did, except with more forethought, and not on impulse the same week that Princess Amelia is revealed to be a thing to the public. Although JP did go with the Josh Ritcher school of thought of dumping a long-time girlfriend the second he got a chance with Princess Amelia.

God, what if he was only dating Lilly to stay close to Mia? No, please no, let JP have more compassion than that. But . . . if he had, and Lilly knows, then.

Lilly's got a damn good reason to be so mad at Mia. Like, a DAMN good reason. Not good enough that making at hate site is justifiable, but Mia gets it now.

Jesus.

Well, there's really only one thing for it. Screw her own lack of attraction to JP but being nice anyway. Mia isn't sure he's actually pulling anything like this, but the coincidences are too perfect, and Mia doesn't have to energy to pretend anymore.

;

Okay, so she has the energy to pretend for one full school day. Mostly because she wants privacy, and JP can have the full weekend to get over it, because Mia doesn't really want to be nice. Still, she offers to give JP a lift home in her limo, because his apartment is on the same route as Dr Knutz – boy, they are going to be having A Chat after this.

JP looked pretty happy about the limo ride – Mia didn't usually give lifts straight out of school, mostly because she has to go straight to the Plaza for her daily torture – sorry, Princess Lessons. When JP leaned over to kiss her, she put a hand on his chest, pushing him back. "I don't want to do that right now."

JP seemed upset at not getting to make out, but Mia wanted to be business for this. She didn't want to hurt his feelings – oh, well, actually she wasn't too concerned about hurting his feelings, given his lack of care for hers, but she didn't want to be needlessly hurtful.

Waiting for the limo to get only a couple blocks from JP's apartment wasn't a hardship – she just asked him about his day, despite the fact that she was there for about half of it, and JP filled in the rest – and when they were close enough, Mia changed the conversation.

"JP, I need to talk to you about our relationship." That got his full attention, his blue eyed locked onto hers. "Specifically, how I appreciate how much you've done for me. You've been here for me at a time when I really needed someone there. But I don't want to date you anymore."

JP had been listening raptly when it sounded like she was complementing him – maybe expecting a love confession? – but his face turned white as a sheet with her last sentence. "Why?" was all he said. He sounded rather dumbfounded, like he couldn't think of any reason Mia might have for complaint.

"Because, you're my friend, but I just don't think I'm attracted to you, not the way you might want me to be."

"But – but Mia, we can work on that –"

Mia cut him off. She wanted to be the one controlling this conversation.

"I don't want to 'work on that'. I don't think attraction is something you can coerce out of people. But I have other reasons why I don't want to date you. JP, I know you're the one calling the tabloids. I can't prove it, but I know you are. I know you called the reporters the night we went to see Beauty and the Beast, and I know you've called them every date since. There's no other way they'd be the third wheels on our dates, JP – there's no other way they'd have short notice on dates that are already short notice. I don't want to date someone who invades my privacy like that. JP, we've known each other nine months – you know I don't like the paparazzi, you know I don't like a lot about being a princess, but you're using my royal status to try and get into news papers, and I think there's something gross about that. I don't like being used. Yeah, we went to Beauty and the Beast that first time. But it wasn't a date, despite whatever you told the paps you called to make sure we'd be seen together. I spent the week after that night in my bed, refusing to leave in a mental meltdown over my ex-boyfriend, but you didn't let up on your angle to reporters, no clarification, because you thought if you pushed your narrative, I'd be pressured into dating you. Well, you got it. You decided to take advantage of me when I was vulnerable. That's just gross, JP."

He was shaking his head, eyes his, face white, like he refused to hear what she was saying. "Mia, that's not true, I didn't call the reporters, I never told them we were dating before we were-"

"You don't have to make up a story, JP. You can just nudge them in the direction you want, and tabloids do the rest. It's what they do. So don't lie to me. You've done it enough." Mia's voice was cold and flat. No emotion. But she softened her tone, if only to seem less harsh.

"Look, we can be friendly at school, but I wanna be clear here. We are not friends. I don't want to be friends with you, not after all this. You were good to me at a point where I really needed someone to be good to me, and I'll always appreciate that, the memory of it. But the reasons why you were good to me, for your own gain? No. You're going to leave this car. You're not going to call any tabloids about our breakup. And you won't speak to me at school, unless we can't avoid it in class."

The limo rolled to a stop at the curb. Wow, perfect timing Hans.

"Now get out."

JP tried to speak, but Mia cut him off before he could say a word. "No. Get out."

He did. He tried to turn around and speak after, as if to have the last word, but Mia slammed the limo door in his face, and Hans pulled away so quickly, JP pulled his foot away from the curb as a reflex. A literal kicking to the curb.

Lars lowered the divider between the front and back portions of the car. "Princess."

"Where you listening?" Mia was suddenly tired, leaning her head on the window, watching the city traffic.

"Yes. We didn't activate the soundproofing. I may I say, Princess, you handled that well."

Mia smiled, small, soft and slow. "Thank you."

;

"I broke up with JP."

The seemed to have surprised Dr Knutz. "You said things were fine last week. You weren't 'overly happy'," he was quoting his notes here, "but things were fine. You were going to hold off for a while longer."

"Yeah, I know. I broke up with him about fifteen minutes ago. I guess it's still registering for me."

Dr Knutz raised his eyebrows. "You dumped your boyfriend on the way home from school?"

"Was I supposed to do it on the way to school? Or during? I did it in the privacy of the limo, and we dropped him off at his building. When Kenny and I broke up in ninth grade, it was in front of, like, the whole school. I figured learning from my mistakes meant I could give the guy I'm dumping some dignity. I don't want to date JP anymore, for a bunch of reasons. So I broke up with him. I told him we could still be friends, but never anything more. Maybe I was being cold, but I don't care. I want to have actual emotions for the guy I date besides friendship. It doesn't mean I'm a horrible person. It just means I have standards for relationships I'm willing to get into."

"Are you quoting your mother?" Dr Knutz asked.

"Yeah. I don't think she's wrong though."

"She isn't, but I guess I'm surprised to see you be so abrupt."

"I don't regret it, if you were wondering. It's not like Michael and everything that came after that."

"I figured you didn't. I've seen you emotional, Mia. And you don't look like this." Dr Knutz almost seemed . . . impressed? at Mia's demeanor. "Would you like to talk about it?"

"I think we've talked enough about JP the last two sessions, don't you?"

;

It took until Sunday for the news to get splashed over the tabloids – Mia wasn't sure if JP was the one who called them, or maybe Grandmere, if Dad had told her after Mum told him. But by Monday, anyone in Manhattan who read tabloids and her whole school knew she was single again.

Royally Dumped! Declared Splitsville for the Royal Rebound!

Mia, Mia, What a Heartbreaker!

One Boy, Two Boy, No Boy! Princess Mia of Genovia is single again!

;

The school paper meeting was held early Monday morning, set to end with ten minutes before classes started. It ended fifteen minutes before classes started.

Mia went to the ladies' room, mostly to write in her journal a little, but because she didn't really want to talk to her friends yet about JP. She'd told them over the weekend, but she'd deliberately avoided leaving the Loft so she wouldn't have to see anyone in person. She wasn't upset over the breakup, but she figured she needed space before she told all her friends about the fact she'd dated a guy who only wanted her for her tiara. Again.

But as she left the stall, out of the stall at the end of the row came Lilly, and Mia immediately tensed. But she held her ground, because. They were in a ladies room at school, Lars was outside the door, and Lilly had a new boyfriend who'd blown up the Chemistry lab, and Mia'd dumped hers – ha, now JP was an ex to both of them.

So, Mia made a show out of checking her eye makeup in the bathroom mirror, waiting for Lilly to leave first. But instead, Lilly spoke first while washing her hands. "I heard you're single again."

Mia pursed her lips at the mirror. "I am."

"Why?"

"Well, to what I'm sure is the surprise of anyone who knows me as a person, but I don't like dating people who call the paparazzi every time we got out on a date. I want to date people who can respect that privacy." What did Lilly want?

Lilly sniffed. "Weird how it took this long for that to sink in – that he was calling the tabloids on every date."

"Not really," Mia said stiffly. "You need a baseline data point before you can make a hypothesis on deviations from that base. I may be failing Science, but I do know that. When I was –" God, this was hard to say. "When I was with your brother, the tabloids only showed up if it was pre-booked and someone at the place we'd booked at made the call to the paps. With JP, we went of casual dates around the corner from my place, and the paps would turn up. I eat near my house all the time and reporters never show - unless JP is there. Time consuming and annoying to figure out, but not hard. I just feel stupid for not putting two and two together for this long."

"You were together for what? Six weeks? That's not a long time."

Lilly was making eye contact in the mirror. Mia leveled her gaze as steadily as she could, saying clearly but softly, "It was long enough."

Both the girls held gazes in the mirror. It was easier than making actual eye contact. But then . . . Mia asked the question that had been rolling around in her mind since she'd realized:

"This is going to sound very self-centered of me, but I have to ask – was JP with you to get close to me? Otherwise, this all seems very . . . perfectly coincidental."

Lilly's nostrils flared as she exhaled, hard. "Yes. He told me so when he dumped me."

"Why didn't you say anything?"

"Well, it's not like you asked me," Lilly lied.

"Yes I did – I did ask why, and you evaded the question!" Mia could hear her voice rising, and she wondered if anyone outside the bathroom could hear them.

Lilly spun and glared at Mia's actual face now. "You never asked me – not what he said, not why, not really. He dumped me for you, and he told me to my face, that it was because he, quote, had a chance with you, unquote. To my face. But I told him that was never going to happen, because there was no way in hell my best friend would date the guy who broke my heart, because he broke my heart. It's a rule of friendship, Mia. It's not like you asked if I was cool with you dating my ex. Would you have believed me if I'd said that was why we broke up?"

Okay. That's some crap. Mia – wasn't quite seeing red, but she was mad.

"Wow, invoking Girl Code, Lilly? Gee, maybe the reason I never asked you about it is because you were refusing to speak to me?! I can't talk to someone who won't talk back. You just glared at me, except for that day in the caf, where you SCREAMED at me! Lilly, the fact is, instead of TELLING ME that our ex is a manipulative dick after his own fame, you made a HATE SITE about me – something that, if me or my dad decided to press charges over, you would've been EXPELLED OR ARRESTED FOR. I was having a breakdown over Michael leaving, you were waspish and bitter and evasive, and JP did something nice for me when I was having a breakdown, so I tried to kiss him ON THE CHEEK, and HE turned his head at the last second. You can't say I'm oblivious when the people who can provide context aren't speaking to me!" Lilly's face was red from – fury? Embarrassment at being called out? – but Mia charged on anyway, her brain operating in high gear to keep up with her mouth.

"YES, I screwed up, hard! But did you ever stop to think that I wouldn't tolerate JP's crap for even a SECOND after what he did to you? I might not have believed it if you said he dumped you for me, but I wouldn't have tolerated him flirting with me – I wouldn't have tolerated him speaking to me! If you had just said something!" Mia was breathing hard. There. It was all out in the open now. "And actually, I do figure you would've told me the truth, and eventually I would've believed it, given that you run and star in a TV show called Lilly Tells It Like It Is, not to mention that we'd been friends for years and I have a basic understanding of your personality. You've NEVER had a problem spitting out to people exactly what you're thinking, even if we didn't ask, so why would JP's existence stop you?!"

"I was angry." Lilly's face was red, but her eyes were shining with – tears, Mia could see now. "I was angry, and hurt, and – you dumped Michael over something so stupid, like. Judith Gershner? Really? She hasn't been relevant to our lives since freshman year, Mia. Why did it matter?"

"It mattered to ME, Lilly. Michael never told me that he'd slept with her. He never told me he'd slept with her, and he KNEW what I'm like about health. What if he'd gotten something from Judith, because he slept with her to help Judith cheat on her boyfriend. I could've caught a disease, Lilly." Mia was calmer now, but there was no denying that Michael's omission still hurt. Saying it hurt. "I love Michael so much, but . . . I'm sixteen, Lilly. Michael's nearly twenty. You tell me who's supposed to be more mature about the situation. Barring the fact that even if we HAD slept together, that age difference is statutory rape, Michael was trying to talk me into sleeping with him when I was fifteen to his eighteen. He knew how I felt about sex, and my body, and how uncomfortable that whole aspect made me. But he wanted to anyway. He wanted it anyway."

Lilly – her face was inscrutable, but then she snorted. "Okay. I get that. Neither of you asked the blunt questions because you didn't want to, and then it all blew up in your faces."

Mia nodded stiffly. "Thanks for your thoughts."

"No – no Mia," Lilly sounded contrite, but Mia was staring and her hands, anything to avoid Lilly's brown-eyed gaze, "I get it. I don't like it, but I get it. I guess I'm just – bitter/happy, I guess. I got strung along for eight months by a guy who was lusting after my best friend the whole time, and then he gets his wish for, what, not even two months? Because he didn't factor in that you just flat-out weren't interested; and only needed the whole reason he was dating you to ditch him?" Lilly was kind-of laughing now, a bitter-sounding huff, like she was trying to laugh. "He wanted to date you to get famous, and him trying to use you for that got him dumped."

Okay, Mia could see a bitter humor in the situation. "Karma, huh?"

"Gotta love karma." Lilly threw the paper towels she's dried her hands with into the trash can, turned to Mia and – hesitated. She walked past Mia, patting Mia's shoulder as she did, saying, "Good luck with the throngs today, POG." She walked about the door.

Mia stared at her reflection. Somehow, she'd missed that stupid nickname.

Lars was still standing to attention when she left the ladies room. "Princess," he said, "if saw Miss Moscovitz leave. Did she say or do anything –"

Mia didn't let him finish the question. "It's okay Lars. We're – we're not friends, but we're okay now, I think."

;

That day in the cafeteria, Lilly didn't sit with Mia and her friends at lunch. She didn't say anything. But when Mia caught her eye across the room and smiled at her, Lilly smiled back.

I have a hard time believing that it took Mia almost two years to notice that the paparazzi were third wheels on every date she had with her boyfriend. I also don't like that in Book 9, everyone was pushing her to date JP SO HARD when she'd JUST broken up with Michael and spent a week in a depressive state. Letting her have time to work shit out would've been okay.

Also the fact that Mia wasn't actually interested in JP until he was thrown at her also could've been considered more seriously. In Book 10 she says that she's never felt particularly strong for him, but never broke up with him because he was so nice when she was depressed – but it's like, so what? Someone being nice to you and having feelings for you does not mean you have to date them against YOUR OWN personal investment.

Anyone wondering why Mia and Lilly don't end this fic on the same note as the 10th book – this is set about one and a halfish months after book 9, so the sting of everything that happened there is still fresh, instead of kinda 'the past is the past' mood of the books. Also Lilly was generally a really awful friend to Mia, in basically every book until the third act, or even the last few pages. I like Lilly, but the constant level of 'Best Friend Ever' that she got in the books never really lived up to the pedestal Mia put it on, she was always too much of an antagonist. So this ending – things still aren't really okay between them, but there's less bitterness, and Lilly is definitely gonna make the first move toward reconciliation. Also, if Mia seems a little – or a lot – out of character, my excuse is the she's still got depression, and that effects our behavior some. Also this is third person, and I;m not using Mia's monologue as a vehicle to tell the story. This fic follows Mia, but she's not telling the story.

This has been literally me cramming a bunch of my complaints about canon + headcanons into one big fic. I'm not sorry.