Disclaimer: I do not own Sword Art Online. I write this for your enjoyment only. This fic takes place after the first half of the Alicization arc so I suggest you not read any further if you have not seen the anime past episode 24 or read the LNs past volume 14 if you want to avoid spoilers. This story is also slightly AU-ish with differences from the original so please excuse any discrepancies with canon and refer to the footnotes at the end. That said, enjoy and please review!

It Should Have Been Me

"Kirito…"

"Mmm…"

"Its time to wake up…" a warm and friendly voice insisted gently followed by a playful pinch to his cheek.

A sleepy groan and stir. "Just five more minutes…"

A soft laugh answered his childish plea. "Aww, come on, Kirito. This is getting old. How many times do I have to tell you that you sleep too much?"

"I didn't ask you to be my personal alarm clock, Eugeo. Now shoo…"

"Haha! Nope! Don't make me drag you out of bed, friend!" A happy sing-song voice answered before grabbing Kirito's blanket and yanking it off his form, exposing him to the cold morning air.

Kirito growled as he sat up and gave his friend an annoyed look. "You're a real pain in the ass sometimes, you know that, Eugeo?"

To his surprise, the younger boy frowned. "Is that how you really feel? Well, then, I won't be waking you up ever again."

"Eugeo?"

"Good-bye, Kirito."

Before Kirito could ask Eugeo what he meant, the scenery around them changed and the blond youth was now lying on the ground of the Central Cathedral in Centoria. To Kirito's horror, Eugeo's body was brutally severed, his life's blood pooled beneath him and staining the white tiles crimson.

"No…this can't be!" Kirito cried as he rushed to his friend's side and kneeled over him, ignoring the blood that was now staining his clothing. Summoning his strongest Sacred Arts healing magic, the raven-haired youth tried to heal his friend but to avail.

"Don't look sad, Kirito.." Eugeo joked weakly. "Without me around, you can sleep as much as you like…"

"NO!"

SSSSSS

"Eugeo!" Kirito screamed as his eyes flew open and he shot up from his bed while clenching his shirt and trying to catch his breath. Looking around, Kirito found himself alone in a cold room with little more than the bed he was lying on and a night table. Placing both hands on the sides of his head, Kirito took a moment to slowly collect his thoughts until he remembered that he was living in an abandoned house on the outskirts of Rulid village that he and Alice had touched up before moving in.

These dreams again… he thought. Or more accurately, nightmares and distorted flashbacks that have been plaguing him nearly every night for the last three months since he settled into his new home with his caretaker, the ex-Integrity Knight Alice Zuberg, formally known as Alice Synthesis Thirty. *1* Kirito would even go so far as to call his dreams hallucinations as he often found himself reliving twisted versions of his fondest memories with Eugeo that always ended the same way: Eugeo's tragic death at the hands of Administrator Quinella, the Pontifex of the Axiom Church.

I don't know how much more of this I can take… Kirito thought in despair as he looked down and found his most prized possessions, the Night Sky and Blue Rose swords, at each of his sides on the bed. Since escaping the Central Cathedral and Centoria with Alice three months ago, he refused to let either sword out of his sight and insisted on taking them everywhere with him, much to the chagrin of his caretaker. And had Alice not convinced him that the swords would rust if they got wet, Kirito might have taken them with him into the bath as well. *2* While both Sacred Weapons were valued mementos to the raven-haired youth, they were also a source of great anguish for him.

Especially the Blue Rose sword.

Though it was now broken and useless, Kirito had chosen to keep the Blue Rose sword in memory of his friend. But there were often times he could not bear to look at it for the ice-colored sword was also a painful reminder of how he had failed to protect Eugeo, the young man who had loved him like a brother and trusted him with his life. Kirito had even been tempted to throw it into the ocean more than once but always stopped himself at the last minute because he knew it was not what Eugeo would have wanted. And while the Night Sky sword remained intact, Kirito no longer had the strength to wield it after the battle with Quinella as well as damage to his fluctlight had left him crippled and confined to a wheelchair.

Knowing this made Kirito feel even more useless than any broken sword. Although Alice was able to re-attach the arm he had lost in battle with her high-level Sacred Art skills, for some reason, she could not restore Kirito's strength or the use of his legs. *3* And it killed him knowing that he had gone from saving Alice to being almost completely dependent on her for survival.

I'm worse than useless; I'm a burden to Alice and everyone around me…

Had he not been so spent from fighting Quinella, Kirito would have forced Alice to abandon him as soon as they escaped the Central Cathedral so she could leave Centoria without him slowing her down. But Alice would have none of it and risked capture by the other Integrity Knights by taking another five minutes to strap the protesting Kirito to her dragon before flying off to Rulid Village. Incredibly, despite not remembering her hometown or been there in years, she knew exactly where to find it.

Not surprisingly, the pair weren't exactly welcomed back in Rulid. None of the villagers remembered Kirito or really believed that Alice was the long-lost daughter of the village chief. Nor could they expect any help from Eugeo's family who had never liked Kirito. Especially Eugeo's parents, who had blamed him for taking away their youngest son by influencing his decision to leave Rulid in pursuit of becoming a swordsman instead of staying home and helping on their family farm. Nevermind that Eugeo was the same son that they had exploited and treated poorly since the day he was born. *4*

Even Alice's own parents would not allow the pair to settle in the village so they had to settle for an abandoned house on the outskirts of Rulid. The only ones who gave Alice and Kirito any kind of welcome or assistance was Selka, Alice's younger sister, and old man Garitta, the previous carver of the Gigas Cedar before Eugeo took over and finally completed the task of cutting it down.

And while Selka was happy to see Alice again after nearly a decade apart, her joy was short-lived when she discovered the terrible price for her sister's return was Eugeo's life and Kirito's once-indomitable spirit. Even Alice herself did not escape unscathed; she had lost the use of her right eye and her memories had not been restored; the best she could recall were vague feelings of familiarity towards the people she once knew as a child.

But despite all this, Kirito knew he couldn't complain. Even though Alice's parents appeared to treat him and Alice herself coldly, deep down, they still did care for their daughter. Otherwise, they would not have allowed the pair to stay anywhere near the village nor allow Selka to bring them food and other basic necessities. Kirito was also grateful that Garitta was willing to help them by giving Alice trinkets and other gadgets he carved from the wood of the fallen Gigas Cedar to peddle in the surrounding towns and provide them with a source of income.

Looking out the window, Kirito saw that the sun had just risen not too long ago. And since Alice did not come rushing into his room as soon as she heard him scream, Kirito assumed that she must have already woken and headed into town to pick up some food from Selka and see old man Garitta for new wooden trinkets to peddle. He knew Alice would be back soon to take him out for fresh air and that she would force him to go outside whether he wanted to or not since it wasn't good for him to be cooped up in the house all day.

Not like it mattered to Kirito either way. What point was there for him to keep living like this? A swordsman who could not fulfill his duty to protect others, especially his dearest friends, was of no use to anyone. And deep down, Kirito agreed with Eugeo's parents that their son's death was his fault. After all, it was him who had taken the innocent wood-cutting boy from his family and peaceful country life with the lure of becoming a swordsman as well as the chance of winning back his childhood sweetheart. He had promised to stay by Eugeo's side knowing he must eventually return to his world where he belonged. And while Kirito genuinely treasured his friendship with Eugeo, he also saw it as a source of comfort that made his separation from Asuna more bearable.

In the end, Kirito finally came to the realization that he had, in a sense, used and sacrificed his best friend for nothing. For even after reaching the top of the Central Cathedral and destroying Quinella, he still could not log out of the Underworld.

And even if he had, there was no way Kirito could ever face his loved ones back home knowing that his return came at the expense of Eugeo's life.

I can't take this anymore...

Reaching for his wheelchair, which was right next to his bed, Kirito dragged himself onto it and wondered what Eugeo would think if he saw the pitiful state his so-called best friend was now in. Would Eugeo laugh at him? Pity him? It didn't matter. As far as Kirito was concerned, he never deserved anything from someone as kind and pure as Eugeo. And he certainly didn't deserve to go home and see Asuna again either.

It should have been me…

No sooner did he finish the thought, Kirito's eyes wandered to the two sheathed swords on his bed. Perhaps he could make one more use of them after all.

I should have been the one to die, not him…

Reaching for the Blue Rose sword, Kirito unsheathed it and sliced open the wrist of his left hand while welcoming the pain. After all, it was nothing compared to what Eugeo had suffered before he died.

It's still not enough…

Unsatisfied, Kirito took the Night Sky sword, unsheathed it, and sliced his other wrist while his left continued to bleed.

After his work was done, Kirito finally leaned back on his wheelchair, closed his eyes, and waited for death to claim him.

SSSSSS

"Kirito, I'm home!" Alice Zuberg called after she had unlocked the door to their humble home and stepped inside. A few months ago, the blonde would not have even bothered to announce her return since Kirito had been completely catatonic. It took a little over two months of constant treatments with her Sacred Arts healing spells before Alice could even get a response from the young man in her care. But now that she had made some break-throughs in his recovery, Alice engaged Kirito as often as possible to ensure that he remained responsive. *5*

When Alice was greeted by nothing but silence, she worried that Kirito might be lapsing back into his previous state.

Feeling a sense of dread that something was wrong, Alice set the basket of food she had received from Selka as well as bag of wooden trinkets from Garitta on the kitchen counter before heading to Kirito's room, hoping that he was just sleeping and had not woken up yet.

"Kirito? Are you awake?" she asked while knocking on his door. Again, Alice received no answer. But that wasn't what alarmed her most; it was the smell of blood coming from inside Kirito's room.

Panicking, Alice threw the door open and found the young man in question leaning back on his wheelchair with his arms hanging over either side and blood dripping from the deep cuts on his wrists.

"Kirito, no!" Alice cried as she tried to force herself to calm down enough to summon a Sacred Art spell to stop the bleeding and heal the deep cuts while hoping it wasn't too late. After she had done what she could, Alice lifted Kirito from the wheelchair and laid him back onto his bed. Although pale and anemic from blood loss, the boy was still breathing, indicating that Alice had made it home just in time to treat him before he bled to death.

Glancing around the room, Alice found both of Kirito's swords unsheathed and lying on the ground. With bloodstains on the blades, it wasn't hard for the ex-Integrity Knight to guess what happened and she cursed her carelessness in leaving Kirito alone with such deadly weapons while in his current psychological state.

Thinking quickly, Alice picked up the Blue Rose and Night Sky swords and used another Sacred Art spell to lock them inside their sheaths to prevent Kirito from cutting himself again before putting them away. She also made a mental note to lock the knife drawer in the kitchen as well.

Knowing that it would do no good to rail at Kirito while he was unconscious, Alice left him to recover and went into the kitchen to get a mop and bucket so she could clean the blood off the floor.

SSSSSS

Darkness.

Where am I?

No answer.

Am I dead? Is this what it's like to die?

"Kirito..."

Someone is calling me…

"Kirito..."

Who's there?

A female voice.

Asuna?

"Kirito!"

Kirito's eyes fluttered open to find a young blonde woman leaning over him with her arms crossed. For a moment, he thought it was Asuna but when his vision cleared, he finally realized that it was Alice.

"Alice?"

"Yes, Kirito, its me. There's no one here besides the two of us, remember?"

Kirito was silent for a moment before taking note of his surroundings. From the look of things, Alice had taken him out of his bedroom and into the living room. Instead of a bed, he was now lying on a couch while looking up at the face of a rather displeased young blonde woman. Despite being clad in a simple dress of a country maid instead of the armor of an Integrity Knight, Alice Zuberg looked no less intimidating when she was displeased.

For a moment, Kirito was puzzled and wondered what could have possibly upset her until he felt both of his wrists throb with an aching pain. Bringing his right hand a bit closer to his face, Kirito noticed a scar on the inside of his wrist: a scar caused by the sharp blade of a sword. And judging from the ache in his other wrist, Kirito knew he must also have a scar there as well.

"Explain yourself, Kirito" Alice demanded harshly.

"Alice, I…"

At first, Kirito considered telling Alice that it was an accident but he knew she wouldn't buy it. Even a child could tell that he had deliberately cut himself.

"I know what you're thinking, Kirito" Alice growled. "Don't bother lying to me."

Not knowing what else to say, he apologized. "I'm sorry."

Alice frowned and he wasn't sure if it was his imagination, but Kirito thought he saw her eyes tearing up. If he wasn't already in such a pitiful state, she would have struck him out of anger.

"'Sorry' isn't going to cut it, Kirito! You would've done your friend a great dishonor by throwing away the life he gave his own to save!"

Knowing that Alice meant Eugeo and that she was absolutely right, Kirito winced.

"I don't know what else to say. Except that it won't happen again, Alice."

Alice snorted. "You're damn right it won't. Not if I take your swords away."

Kirito gasped. "No, please don't! Anything but that!"

The blonde glared at him. "Well, until you earn my trust, I will be keeping them out of your hands."

"Alice, please be reasonable…"

"I think I've already been very reasonable letting you take them everywhere, even to bed. Be thankful I didn't destroy them after what you've done. And until I can trust you not to hurt yourself again…"

As much as he wanted to argue, Kirito could not think of anything that would change Alice's mind and return his and Eugeo's swords, at least not right away.

Sighing, he finally gave in. "Alright. You win."

Seeing genuine regret on his face, Alice's expression changed from anger to one of relief before she bent over and put her arms around Kirito, nearly making him jump from surprise. This was the first time he had seen the ex-Integrity Knight so vulnerable and it was in that moment that Kirito finally realized that Alice was truly worried about him. She wouldn't have patiently watched over him for the last three months otherwise; he had already considered her debt to him for freeing her from the Pontifex's control long paid.

"Don't ever do that again…", Alice choked. This time, she made no effort to hide the tears in her eyes. "I don't have anyone but you and my sister. And Selka cannot be with me all the time."

Kirito closed his eyes and gently returned her embrace. "I'm sorry, Alice, I didn't think. I promise I won't leave you alone. Nor will I ever dishonor you or Eugeo again."

After releasing his caretaker, Kirito sat up and took a moment to gaze into her remaining eye. He knew he shouldn't have been surprised at Alice's behavior. Despite their cold demeanors, even Integrity Knights had emotions. But the young woman before him was more than just that. Before she became a knight, Alice was the young girl for whom Eugeo had pined for nearly a decade, the one he had worked so hard to become a swordsman for. Not only had Eugeo desired to find Alice and bring her home, he also wanted to be seen as a hero in her eyes. Kirito had known this ever since the younger boy had expressed his desire to learn the sword.

Ironically, Alice had come to respect Eugeo as a warrior after witnessing his sword-fighting skills. But she could not remember him as the gentle flaxen-haired boy who had loved and longed for her since childhood. It was also over Alice that Kirito had been forced to engage his best friend in serious combat. Not because of anything she did wrong, but because Quinella had deceived Eugeo into believing that he and Alice were lovers. Kirito knew this the moment he and Eugeo crossed blades because it was the only thing that could have angered and wounded Eugeo enough to turn his sword on them both.

And that knowledge broke his heart more than anything. But even so, he could not blame Eugeo for his actions. Kirito himself probably would have reacted no differently if someone had convinced him that his best friend and girlfriend were lovers behind his back. He also could not blame Eugeo for choosing to give his life for Alice once he finally came to his senses. If it were him, Kirito would have also gladly given his own life for Asuna, continued to love her, and wish for her happiness. Even if she were to lose every memory she had of him and the love they once shared.

"Eugeo…" Alice began. "He meant a great deal to you, didn't he? Was he someone important to me too? I cannot remember."

Kirito smiled sadly and gently took her hand to press against his cheek, his own eyes misty with tears. "Yes. Eugeo was my best friend. He was also the kindest and most gentle person I ever knew, someone who wanted to wield his sword only to protect the innocent and all that is good in the world. I also know that he loved you, Alice. He loved you very much. And…so do I."

Alice became startled at Kirito's sudden confession and before she could say anything, he leaned forward and kissed her. It was the first time Alice had ever been kissed by a boy. But still, she could not accept Kirito's affections that easily. So, despite returning his kiss briefly, Alice placed her hands on his chest and gently pushed him away.

"Kirito, we mustn't."

Though she would not tell him the reason, Kirito understood and immediately regretted his rash act. It quickly hit him that he had just betrayed both Asuna and Eugeo by kissing Alice.

"I…I'm sorry" he apologized. "I had no right to do that; please forgive me, Alice."

Alice shook her head. "No, its all right, Kirito. I am not angry with you. It's just that… I do not think you really meant what you said."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean that I do not think what you feel for me is truly love, Kirito. You are lonely, you miss your Asuna. It is her you love."

Kirito gasped. "How do you know about Asuna?"

Alice hesitated for a moment before answering. "I heard you mumbling her name in your sleep. I figured that she must be a girl you know."

"Yes, that is true, Alice" he admitted. "I do love Asuna but that doesn't mean I don't care about you as well. Even if you cannot remember, you were also a very important part of my life."

Though he knew his words must have sounded strange to the former Integrity Knight, Kirito meant them with all his heart. By allowing himself to become a test subject for the STL, he was able to experience what other people could only dream of: a second childhood. And Alice was just as much a precious part of it as Eugeo had been. And while he still loved Asuna deeply, Kirito could not deny that he also had feelings for the girl who had cared for him loyally when he was at the lowest point in his life. Looking into her eyes, Kirito desperately wished he could explain this to Alice in a way that she could understand but knew that was impossible. So, he hoped his earlier words would suffice.

As for Alice herself, she couldn't deny that she found Kirito attractive too. After all, it was him who had carried her almost all the way to the top floor of the Central Cathedral from the outside wall with little more than his strength, wits, and will. It was also Kirito who had talked sense into her and finally made Alice realize that she had been serving a power-hungry tyrant all along so that she can break the Seal of the Right Eye to free herself. The boy's courage, compassion, and intelligence weren't the only qualities that drew Alice to him either; Kirito's handsome and exotic features were unlike any she had ever seen in all of the human empire. His blue-black hair reminded Alice of the calm sea at night and his sharp, slanted grey eyes were the color of cold steel, like the blade of a sword, yet held a warmth and gentleness to them that few hardened warriors possessed.

Everything about Kirito was beautiful and part of her wanted to take what he offered.

Seeing Alice so conflicted made Kirito regret putting her in such a difficult position. How could he explain to her that he was literally from another world and not another land like he had allowed others to believe? How could Kirito could explain that he had also, in a sense, been reborn into her world and had a life there as well? None of that would make sense to Alice and only confused her further. Or worse, make her think he was crazy.

Fortunately, Alice saved him the trouble. "I understand. And I'm honored that you feel this way for me too. I just don't want to be… the other woman."

Kirito shook his head before taking Alice's hand and drew her closer. "No, its not like that at all" he insisted.

After being trapped in the Underworld for more than two years as well as his failed attempt to log out after he and Eugeo destroyed Quinella at the Central Cathedral, Kirito had come to accept that he may never be able to go home. He also understood why Alice feared he may try to take his own life again.

"What do you mean?" she asked curiously.

"What I mean to say is that I never thought of you that way, Alice. There's no rule that says we cannot... treasure more than one person."

Asuna might disagree, of course. But Kirito tried not to think about that; it wouldn't do any good anyway since his lover from the real world wasn't here.

"You're right" Alice agreed. "But still, I don't think we should take things any further since that would be unfair to Asuna. Please take some time to think this over, Kirito."

Trying to let his disappointment show on his face, he nodded in agreement. "You're right, Alice. I don't want to hurt either of you. But remember that no matter what, I will always be your friend. And I hope you'll stay mine as well."

Alice smiled before giving Kirito a chaste kiss on the cheek. "That, I can accept. Please rest for now. Selka will be over to help me make dinner soon. I'll let you know when it's ready."

Glad that they were able to work something out, at least for now, Kirito laid down again and closed his eyes in relief.

"Thank you, Alice. I will."

Footnotes:

1. In the LNs, Alice Zuberg and Alice Synthesis 30 are implied to be different people but in my fic, they are the same person. I will provide an explanation for this in a future chapter.

2. Technically, Sacred Weapons such as the swords used by the Integrity Knights as well as Kirito and Eugeo cannot rust. But for humor, I've decided to have Alice convince Kirito that they can so that he won't insist on taking their swords into the bath.

3. In the LNs, Kirito does not get his right arm back for a while. Since I haven't read them, I'm not sure exactly how he does but for my fic, I had Alice and Selka re-attach it for him.

4. Unlike the anime, the LNs/manga go into more detail regarding Eugeo's backstory. His family is only briefly mentioned by Quinella in the anime but not seen.

5. In canon, Kirito is in a vegetable state for more than 6 months but I shortened it to 2 months for my fic so that he can interact with Alice and other people.

6. For my fic, Kirito will still love Asuna but also develop feelings for Alice over time as well.