Another Life, Another Love, Another…oh, whatever

This is just a humorous odd love story that vaguely follows the canon of Twilight book one, from the perspective of Carlisle Cullen. I will begin posting the sequel here when it is ready.

To those not familiar with the Twilight fandom, a very brief summary of what you need to know to be able to follow this parody:
Carlisle is a 400 year old vampire who drinks only animal blood. His family/coven consists of his wife Esme (lovely and motherly) and his 'teenage' children Edward (radio-style Legilimens), Rosalie (beautiful and vain) and Emmett (playful and easygoing). Jasper (can sense and influence emotions, struggles with the vegetarian diet) and Alice (sees visions of the future) joined more recently. There is also another 'vegetarian' coven, the Denalis, living in Alaska.

Eighty years ago the Cullens formed a treaty with the genetic shape-shifters ('werewolves') dividing up the lands of Forks and the La Push reservation. The vampires must remain 'vegetarian' and stay off the wolves' land. The humans have mostly forgotten the treaty, but canon vampires have perfect memories. (They also sparkle in sunlight and their eyes turn darker the longer they haven't fed. They have supernatural speed, attractiveness and strength.)

Book One in canon follows the creepy all-consuming 'love' that grows between Edward (a 100-year-old virgin) and his obsession Bella (the new girl in town whose mind he cannot read). This parody has MOD!Harry reincarnated at birth into Bella's body.

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Warnings: Crack. Mild swearing. Very little angst. Edward being creepy. Surprisingly healthy relationships. Teenagers. A gay/trans relationship.

This is MOD!Harry, in a rebirth cycle, as Isabella 'Izzy' Swan. This is not a Fem!Harry—Harry/Bella/Izzy is a transgender character. There will be brief mention of trans themes. Izzy is male and hence uses he/him/his pronouns.

… …

September (Oh look! This isn't canon! Well done for noticing)

"Hello, Doctor Cullen," the girl said. Although her voice was timid, her body language projected that she felt every right to be here. Her sweat smelled a little anxious, nonetheless.

"Miss Isabella Swan," Carlisle greeted her, setting aside the journal he'd been reading—it wasn't like he needed a lunch break.

She grimaced. "I hate that name. Call me Izzy."

"Izzy, then. What can I do for you?"

"Well, you seem like the only doctor around here who got their medical degree in the past twenty years, and I was hoping you could help me. I'm-kind-of-in-need-of-a-shrink?"

The last was said almost as a single word. Ah, that explained the nerves, then. Carlisle did his best to appear all the more welcoming. "Though that isn't my specialty, I'd be happy to help. Take a seat."

"Right," Izzy said. She swallowed, smoothing her hands against her jeans. "Right."

"Why don't you tell me a little about yourself, Izzy?"

And oddly enough, at the sound of her name, some of the tension seemed to bleed from her shoulders. "Well, I just moved here from Arizona. My mum's boyfriend, Phil, he got a job that'll have them travelling a lot, and I figured it was as good a time as any to come over here. To take care of Charlie. My dad, Charlie—oh, but you know all about him already. Small town."

She sighed, shoulders slumping again.

"You can tell me whatever you want to tell me. Of course, we'll need a diagnosis for your insurance. However, you're a teenager who just moved to a new town, the paperwork won't be a problem."

"Right—yes. Teenager. Lots of…angst."

Carlisle understood that his job was not to talk, it was to listen. He waited.

"This is a small town," she said. "People notice things. It feels like everyone's watching me, and I stick out like a sore thumb."

Carlisle looked at her. Black jeans, chequered shirt, hiking boots—haircut perhaps a bit short. She looked like a normal tomboy.

Carlisle knew a lot about standing out, and very little about being a teenager. "I'm sure it will calm down as people get used to you."

Izzy laughed, a sad, hollow sound. Those eyes would not have looked out of place on a century-old vampire.

There was some more smoothing of palms over jeans, and then the girl hopped up rather suddenly. "Right. Thanks, Doctor Cullen. I should go. First day of school tomorrow. I—can I come back sometime? Please?"

"I'm sure we can work out a regular appointment for you, once you have your timetable. For now, why not just come by in two weeks?"

Izzy nodded, wiped her hands again, and gave a surprisingly firm handshake. "In a fortnight. Yeah, I can do that. Bye, Doc."

Slightly bemused, Carlisle returned to the journal he'd been reading. He had another ten minutes left of his break.

… …

"The new kid was at school today. Isabella Swan," Emmett announced. "She's feisty."

"Izzy," Edward corrected. "She prefers Izzy."

Alice grinned. "I like her."

"Me too." They all turned to look at Rosalie wearing various expressions of surprise. "What?" Rosalie asked. "Anyone who punches Mike Newton in the face is automatically likeable."

Carlisle never ceased to be amazed how childish his family could be, considering their ages. Alas, he couldn't help thinking that he perhaps turned them too young. Jasper was older, aloof. Esme was far calmer, too. The rest, though? Teenagers, the lot of them. "Edward," he interrupted their banter, "What can you tell us about her thoughts?"

"I don't know. I can't read her."

Jasper straightened even further. "Perhaps we should leave. She could be a threat."

"It's a seventeen-year-old girl, how threatening can she be?" Rosalie retorted, scowling.

Edward shrugged, though they could tell he was frustrated. Carlisle couldn't help feel a little smug—it was about time someone stymied Edward's supernatural senses. His son had been getting complacent.

… …

"You have a lot of kids, Doctor Cullen," Izzy began their next meeting.

"And you, do you have any siblings?"

Izzy frowned, and for a second so much grief flashed across her face. "No, it's just me."

"But?" he prompted.

"Well—"

The girl swallowed. Carlisle suspected the act of wiping her hands on her jeans was a nervous tic. Self-soothing. "My mum was pregnant, a few years back. I'd like to think he'd have been my little brother. In my head I named him Theodore."

"Is that an old family name?" It was unusual for their day and age.

Izzy laughed again, a little hysterical. "You're one to talk. Carlisle, when's that from, Elizabethan times? And your kids, Rosalie, Edward, Jasper? Did you pick 'em up last century or something?"

Carlisle very carefully schooled his face. "Let's focus on you, Izzy."

"Yeah, alright."

Carlisle watched her, as those green eyes darted around the room examining his bookshelf, the trees outside, even, occasionally, his face.

"I'd have called him Teddy," she said quietly, wistfully. "Theodore was just so he'd have a proper name for job applications and stuff. I'd have loved him to pieces. Hated him, too. But…yeah."

"Why would you have hated your little brother?"

"Well, he would've had everything, wouldn't he?" she said, flipping over to bitter. Then the wistfulness was back. "I'd have given him the world."

Carlisle jotted something down, so it would look like he was taking notes. The girl didn't know about his perfect memory, after all.

"Do you miss Arizona?"

"Not really. It was always too hot. Sticky. I could never wear enough clothes, and—I never really fit in there. Though I do miss the wide open spaces, and the big city, and the way nobody looked at me twice."

Carlisle regarded her carefully. Indeed, she was wearing an absurd number of layers considering the heat of the room. He put it down to a quirk of personality. "There's Port Angeles, an hour's drive east. You could take a road trip."

"Yeah, maybe I'll do that. Thanks, Doctor Cullen."

… …

"Carlisle," Edward said, pulling him aside the moment he got home from work. "Can we talk?"

"Of course," he replied, leading his son to his study. Carlisle shut the door behind them, for the illusion of privacy.

"It's about Izzy Swan. The new girl. She's—different."

Something had Edward very worried, Carlisle could tell. He thought of the girl when he'd met her, sitting in his office with sweaty palms and fierce determination. She'd seemed melancholy, and perhaps a little lost. Not dangerous, though. Nothing to warrant Edward's extreme nervousness.

"I didn't realise you'd met," his son said, a little accusingly.

"Doctor-patient confidentiality, Edward," Carlisle said, chiding. It wasn't right, the way Edward could pry into everything.

Well, he could see everything, except—

"Have you managed to get anything from her yet?"

Edward shook his head minutely. "Nothing. It's like there's a wall keeping me out. But, today, in Biology, she sat next to me. It was strange. She asked me if I had a twin called Cedric."

Carlisle laughed, picturing it easily. The expression on Edward's face must have been a sight to behold. "And?"

"I told her I don't have a twin called Cedric," he said, with that condescending overtone that Edward sometimes had trouble keeping out of his voice. "She said 'alright' and returned to the assignment."

"And this has you worried? About what? Surely you're not concerned about a possible Doppelgänger of yours walking around Arizona."

"No, it's not that. Just, she smells weird. Like a lightning storm. And when she looks at me I swear it's like she's judging my soul or something."

Carlisle couldn't help the intense fondness that shot through him, but he stamped down on the thought before Edward could pick it from his mind. "How unusual. Keep observing, son. For now, she doesn't seem to be a threat. I was going to go catch a deer tonight, if you'll excuse me?"

Once he was out of earshot, Carlisle laughed aloud, long and hard. Oh, Edward. He followed the trail of a buck, still letting loose the occasional chuckle. Trust Edward to become fascinated with the one person he can't read.

Maybe it'll be good for the boy. A bit of a challenge.

And as for the girl, well…it wasn't like she'd be getting hurt.

… …

Coming up: October, where Izzy laments being complicated, Edward and Izzy stare at each other, and Alice decides Edward's in loooove.

… …

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