lol what can I say except I've been watching Good Omens and this AU just came to me, fully-formed? i know i need to update a bazillion other stories, and yet!

hope you enjoy!

1: Garden

She could still feel the ghostly touch of the flaming sword between her fingers. Bonnie smiled. After so many eons of yielding it, she thought she'd have a hard time letting it go.

But she actually felt lighter now. She knew the humans would make far better use of it.

She just hoped the All-Seeing had not actually seen this. She might get in trouble for it later.

She stared at the desert's horizon and followed Adam and Eve with her eyes. They looked so small and fallible, two tiny specks against a bleak world. Wonderful, really.

"We're not supposed to ogle, you know."

She hadn't heard the slithering behind her. Though, by now, she should have gotten used to it.

The snake materialized before her eyes and turned into a scrawny demon.

"Bad manners and all that," he added with a hiss and a coltish grin that meant she was never to take him seriously which she didn't. One did not consort with demons, particularly the tempting kind. God had given him a job. He had done it. Why was he still here?

"You're one to talk. And I'm not ogling," she replied sternly, moving a step away and folding her wings around her like a fortress.

"Kind of an overreaction, if you ask me," he continued, not noticing her discomfort, pointing with his dark clawed wing at the receding figures of Adam and Eve. "I mean what's so bad about knowing the difference between good and evil?"

"It's obviously not a good thing if God made you tempt them," she remarked.

"Did you read that off a greeting card?"

Bonnie frowned. She didn't like frowning. The other angels had told her she was not as serene as she ought to be. There was always one thing or another bothering her, no matter how much she tried to pacify her thoughts.

"No. I just think – well, it doesn't matter what I think, but the humans obviously rushed into it. Knowledge takes time."

The demon snorted nastily. "Oh, so you think God would've shared all his secrets in time?"

"In time," she nodded.

The demon whistled mockingly, as if she was the biggest sucker alive.

Bonnie glared. She wanted to say something cutting in return but she was not allowed. She was supposed to be above all that.

"Why are you still here, anyway…" she trailed off, realizing she did not know his name. In the Garden he'd been dubbed Crawley, since he always crawled about. It was sort of self-explanatory. She wondered if it might be rude to call him that now. Just when she'd decided to insult him anyway, he took a step closer and unfurled his wings, almost touching hers,

"Malachai. It means messenger." He snorted. "Of doom."

"I didn't ask." But now that he'd given it to her she couldn't ignore it.

"Malachai." The name felt stately on her lips.

He shrugged. "Kai, for short. That's what my buddies down there call me."

Bonnie did not like to contemplate the "down there". She nodded coolly. "I'll stick with Malachai."

"It's a mouthful."

She wondered if he was making fun of her. Well, even so, she did not care.

"I am known as Bonnie."

Malachai grinned. "Yeah, I know. It means "good" in Latin, doesn't it?"

"Well…not exactly, but yes."

Latin had not even been invented yet. Did he also have the gift of foresight? No, he must have lost it when he fell. Perhaps he was sharper than the rest.

"So Bonnie, if you're so good tell me, why didn't God put the tree up on a mountain or, I don't know, on the moon? Make it harder for the humans to get to it?"

Bonnie rolled her eyes. Perhaps he was stupid, after all.

"That's just it. True freedom is having all the choices made available to you. If the tree was somewhere remote it would not be a choice anymore. In any case, we are not supposed to question God's plan. It's – it's beyond our comprehension. It's ineffable."

"Doesn't sound like it's beyond your comprehension. In fact, you sound like you have all the answers," he drawled. There was a mean little spark in his eye. Temptation.

Bonnie cleared her throat. "I don't know what you're implying."

But she did. Pride was the cause of the first fall, every angel knew. And every angel knew to be careful.

Malachai cocked his head. "Wait, didn't you use to have a flaming sword?"

Bonnie opened her mouth. He'd caught her off-guard which is what he wanted. She couldn't think of an excuse. "I, um…"

"Yeah, you did. It was flaming like anything. It made my eyes burn, literally. What happened to it?"

"Well, I…" She couldn't lie, she had no real skill for it.

"Did you lose it or something?"

Bonnie scowled. She couldn't stay quiet either.

"I – I gave it away."

Malachai blinked. "You what?"

"I gave it away!"

She stared guiltily at the small dark figures against the blazing horizon. "It gets really cold at night! And there are all sorts of wild creatures out there. Not to mention she's already expecting…I couldn't just let them go like that..." she rambled on, scratching the side of her arm.

Malachai was genuinely surprised and a little impressed. He'd thought to lump her together with the boring, pristine bunch, but perhaps he'd been wrong.

He grinned. "Well, well, well. Naughty angel."

Bonnie cringed. "Shut up."

"Ever been punished?" he asked, raising one eyebrow.

Bonnie blushed. "No."

"First time's always a little rough, but you get the hang of it."

"I'll be fine, thank you very much."

"How are you so sure?"

"I'm an angel. I can't - I can't just do bad things. Not intentionally."

The demon winked. "I was an angel too, and I found my way around it."

"That was different."

"It'd be funny, if you did the bad thing and I did the good thing, for once."

Bonnie chewed on her immaculate lip. It might be part of God's ineffable plan. Or he was just trying to get inside her head. She shook it off.

"You've got a terrible sense of humor."

"I'll get better in time. Isn't that what you said? That all things take time?"

Bonnie stifled a smile. "You might be hopeless."

Malachai placed a hand over his chest. "That's a low blow. Especially since I only fell, like, yesterday."

"It's been a little longer than that."

Malachai shrugged. "Feels pretty much the same."

Bonnie regarded him. "Why did you -?"

The demon waited for her to continue, but she looked away, embarrassed.

The sky was storming. Bonnie felt the walls shaking beneath her feet. Soon acid rain started pouring down angrily. The poor humans were without protection and this made her sad.

Bonnie lifted one wing. It was more angelic instinct than anything.

Kai shuffled closer and found shelter under her wing.

He gave her a stupid, simpering smile, and she wondered if he'd looked this obnoxious when he'd been a proper angel.

Why did she have to lift her wing?

She nudged him in the shoulder. "Keep your distance. Once the rain's over you're going back where you came from."

"Aye, aye, ma'am."

"Don't call me that."

"All right, Miss Ineffable."

The angel ground her teeth. Patience was a virtue. "Why don't you stop addressing me altogether?"

"You're right. Let's just enjoy this romantic moment in the rain."

Bonnie could hear the slithering snake in his voice. She turned her body away, though she kept him under her wing.

Something told her she wasn't going to get rid of him easily.