A/N: First of all thanks for the reviews on my previous story! :) This one is going to be a two shot, set somewhere in the beginning of s4, slightly based on the episode „Kill Shot"
The first part may contain some depressional moments! Prompt will be revealed just at the very end of this story in sake of avoiding spoilers. Oh, and let's pretend the conversation between Kate and Burke in 4x09 actually happened between Kate and Castle.
Enjoy! :))

It was an early evening when detective Kate Beckett was on her way to go home after a long and exhausting day at work.

It was past 8 pm., the sun was already below the horizon, hiding behind the highest skylines.

Strolling home like this she always admired as the weak, golden rays of the setting sun illuminated the city of New York, filling the sky with pink and orange ribbons of light.

It was late August, but the sun was still scorching, the heat sweltering, relentless, almost unbearable all day even in the shade of trees. Now, as it was getting late the sultriness had eased, but wandering home on the warmed up pavement she couldn't help but wonder how great it would be to finally get some rain.

For someone else it was probably a beautiful summer day, but for her it wasn't. She was unable to enjoy the warm, coaxing sunlight, she was unable to enjoy anything since that day when she... got shot.

It's been three months since then, three months since she almost bled out in that cemetery, three months since she woke up with the same, throbbing pain everyday, unable to feel herself good enough for anything anymore. Being in pain really changes you.

After the shooting she went back to work sooner than she should have, refusing to go to her father's cabin to recover. She needed a distraction from her self-destructive thoughts, and working was the only thing keeping her afloat. At least until three days ago, when they got a hard case, involving a sniper on a loose. A freaking sniper!

It was to much to deal, so she went straight to Castle that night. Kate was ready to tell him all her fears and pains, ready to finally open up, but unfortunately their conversation quickly turned into a fight.

"I think you should consider stepping away from this case." He stated it so easily, like she wouldn't be capable of solving it. Like she wouldn't be good enough for anything anymore.

"You don't think I can handle this?" She asked in retort, her voice low and broken, filled with disappointment.

"I'm saying you don't have to.

You are not the only cop in the city Kate." She couldn't believe her ears. She was shocked. Surprised. She wasn't expecting to hear this, not from him anyway. He was always understaning, reassuring, but now? His words pierced her chest more than the bullet did, shattering her heart into million pieces.

"Okay then, you know what?" She snapped back without missing a beat, trying to hold her tears back. "I'm fine!" And with that, she stormed out of his loft.

That was the last time they spoke. After the fight Kate was mad and sad, and everything in between, but now, after almost three days of dwelling on it, she came to the conclusion that he had a point after all. She wanted to apologize, gathering all her remained strenght to fix their...friendship? But unfortunately Castle didn't show up at the precinct today. As in fact, he was acting weird and distant ever since that day in the hospital.

"You don't remember me...tackling you down?"

"I uhm, no! I don't remember much of anything."

Maybe lying to him was not a good idea after all. Maybe now he was done waiting for her. Who knows? Maybe she had already ruined everything.

By the time she finally got to her little apartment in Gramercy Park, dark clouds were huddling on the early night sky, threating to form into a one large thundercloud, blotting out the last rays of the setting sun entirely.

A gentle breeze blew through her sweaty floral blouse as she came to a stop by the railing, searching for the keys in her small, bottomless purse.

Kate had always kept too many unnecessary stuffs in her purse like old scrapes of papers, and so on. She even used to bring some of the case files home, but now she was unable to lift or carry heavy things due to the large, surgical scar at her left side. The scar was long healed, leaving only a puckered flesh behind, but the muscles at her left side were still weak, protesting against every single movement. Maybe if she wouldn't skip almost every fyzical threapy session she would already be fine. She pushed herself too hard just like always and now here she is, barely able to stand on her own two feet after only one hour of walking.

She mumbled in relief when she had finally found the keys at the bottom of her purse, taking a few steps toward the door. Kate quickly inserted the keys into the front door, turning them in the lock, easing the door open.

"Oh, God! It's been such a long and tiring day!" She growled under her breath, slamming the door shut with her back.

Kate took a few deep breaths to gather herslef, fisting her hand into her left side to soothe the throbbing pain around the inicision scar, where the doctors cut her in to dig the bullet free.

After in- and exhaling a few times she quickly got rid of her boots - much to her dismay she was unable to wear high heels yet - then she dragged herself through the hall to enter the living room. If she would lie down on the couch, she would fell asleep right there, so she went straight into the bathroom instead, leaving her purse behind on the couch. Or did she drop it on the kitchen chair? She couldn't even tell.

She stepped out of the shower a short while later, covered with only a wet, blue striped towel.

She missed taking hot baths, she missed relaxing in the tub for hours, inhaling the calming scent of lavender scented bath foams. It would be great to settle into the bubbles, letting her tired muscles to loosen in the hot water, but unfortunately the fresh, sensitive skin of her scars wouldn't take the scalding water, so she had to content herself with a quick, refreshing shower instead.

She growled in disgust, glaring at herself in the mirror, the corners of her mouth turning downwards as she slowly eased the wet towel down, exposing her damaged body.

She hated seeing herself in the mirror, hated looking at her fragile body since the bullet ruthlessly sliced through her chest, leaving a rounded scar between her breasts and a large, surgical scar below her ribcages.

She gently put her palm on the puckered flesh at the corner of her left breast, stroking the uneven skin of her injury with the tip of her soft fingers.

A small teardrop broke free from the corner of her eye as she slowly trailed her hand down her abdomen, tracing the remnants of stiches at her left side. The scars were slowly fading, leaving only a pink, marred fresh behind, but her muscles inside were still weak, the agony of pain flaring up time to time.

It was bearable now, but the fall was just around the corner and she knew the cold weather will only make it worst.

Kate wondered if she will ever fully recover. Maybe not.

It was already past ten, but she wasn't hungry at all. Even though her stomach was only filled with nerves she skipped dinner, slipped into her loose, comfortable PJs and went straight to bed.

Kate let out a tired sigh as she lowered herself to the mattress, finally being able to stretch out her legs and relax a bit.

The throbbing, agonizing pain in her left side came to life as she was tossing and turning, trying to find a comfortable spot in her bed. She rolled onto her uninjured side then, splaying the warmth of her palm over the tugging inicision scar, soothing the aching knot of muscles under her ribcages.

Kate let out another tired sigh, knowing it will be another long and painful night.

Maybe the recovery wouldn't be this hurtful if she would actually take those so called painkillers. She mumbled to herself, blinking hard against the exhauation in her eyes, forcing them to remain opened, but they fell shut anyway even against her own will, her mind slowly drifting into a sweet slumber.

Kate was halfway asleep when a loud cracle ran through the air, breaking the late night, peacful silence.

"Castle!" She jerked up in fear, yelling into the darkness of the room, her hazy gaze desperately searching for the source of the crackling sound.

Her body seized, the muscles at her injured side spasming, protesting against the sudden movement. She hissed in pain as she carefully hoisted herself up in a sitting position, rubbing her eyes to clear the remnants of sleep still lingering there.

What if someone here? How the hell did they get in?

She ran her hand through her sleep tangled, disheveled hair, wondering how to defend herself when another crackle of thunder ran through the air, followed by a sudden flash of purple lightning.

Her body stiffened, the half healed scars throbbing at the same time with the accelerated beats of her heart.

"Oh, just a thunderstorm!" Kate sighed out loud after a couple of seconds. At one point she was glad that no one broke in after all, but being home, all alone in a summer storm, surrounded by sudden lights and loud cracks? Nah, it's definitely not a good thing when you are still dealing with the aftermaths of a severe trauma and gunshot wounds.

She quickly reached for the bedside lamp and flickered it on, bathing the room with a soft, golden light.

Mumbling something under her breath she slowly got out of bed, stroking her left side to ease the seized, tangled knot of muscles down her abdomen.

After gathering herself she let out another heavy sigh, walking to the window with cautious steps in order to check the rumbling weather outside.

Perring out from the window she saw the streets turning into rivers and the storm growing into a downpour. The wind strenghtened in a matter of seconds, knocking the windows, whipping the trees here and there. The heavy, pelting rain and its pattern against the window had grew stronger by each passing second, the street signs quickly faded, only the soft, pale glow of city lights were able to break through the rain soaked darkness.

Another crash of thunder ran through the air, louder this time, followed by a stronger flash of lightning.

She stepped away from the window instantly, drawing the curtains shut. She had seen enough. Kate was on her way back to bed, her bare feet padding on the hardwood of the bedroom floor when another, loud slap of thunder broke free from the angry sky, and then...darkness.

The room was suddenly drenched in a complete darkness.

The power went off. Great!

She growled in frustration, when the strong illumination of lightning flashed through the darkness of the room, momentarily blinding her vision.

A few minutes later she was sitting on a kitchen chair, litting up her favorite, cherry scented candle. Kate sighed in relief when the tiny, orange flame flickered to life, illuminating the room with a soft, twinkling light.

At least she didn't have to sit here in a complete darkness, she mumbled to herself. The storm had slowly eased, rumbling quietly from the distance, but the power was still off.

Kate let out a heavy sigh, looking around in the candlelit darkness, tucking a wet, sweaty lock of hair behind her ears.

It was suffocating-hot in the room, her lungs were craving for a fresh, rainy breath of air, but she didn't dare to open a window. She wasn't scared, no. She was just careful. At least that's what she kept telling to herself. Or maybe was it really fear driving her?

"If only Castle would be here!" She sighed out loud, staring into the flickering candle light. She felt an uncomfortable flutter in her chest, being home alone in a dim light only made her anxious.

She couldn't help but wonder what it would feel like to snuggle into the warm, comfronting embrace of his arm, to lace her arms around his waist.

Kate wondered what if she would press her lips to his, gently brushing the corners of his mouth to feel the sweet taste of him caressing her tongue, when a sharp, loud, ear splitting crash of thunder broke through the defeating silence. The sudden, unexpected boom sounded excatly like the crackle of a gunshot.

She jerked up instictively, staggering to the floor, clutching her chest with her already trembling fingers. The violent, fistful pain came to life between her breasts, her breathing got heavier, her trachea constricted, taking up all the air from her lungs. She gasped out loud, sucking into a couple of ragged breats.

"Noh - nothing had happened, no one is here, you are safe, you are safe!" She panted the same words over and over like a mantra, trying to get ahold of herself.

Another round of thunder ran through the air, followed by a bright flash of light. The fight of clouds had grew stronger by each passing second again, accompanied by a heavy, pelting rain, pouring down from the frenzied sky.

The storm was definitely back. Kate sucked in a shuddering breath, trying to refill her aching lungs with air. It didn't help.

Memories of her shooting were flooding back like a river, playing on a loop over and over in her mind.

"Beckett is down! Beckett is down!"

"No, noo!" She wheezed into the dimness of the room, her body trembling like a leaf, her hand fisted in her chest.

Another loud, crashing sound, another flash of light, another pieces of memories breaking surface.

"Stay with me Kate! Stay with me, okay? Kate!" A deep, crimson red blood poured out of her chest heavily, unstoppably, drenching everything all around.

"No, no!" She panted shakily, a line of sweat leaking down her face.

"I love you! I love you Kate!"

"Nooo!" She yelled, screamed into the candlelit darkness, breaking out in a heavy sob, still gasping for air, still clenching her fingers in her chest.

She had gotten used to having panick attacks in the last three months, but it had never been this strong yet.

"It's okay, it's okay. Nothing had happened. You are safe!" She rasped to herself over and over like a broken record, her breath still hitching, her sobs slowly turning into whimpers.

When the strain in her muscles finally began to loosen she let out a couple of heavy sighs, wiping the cold sweat away from her dampened forehead. She then slowly stood up, trudging to the other side of the kitchen, still shaking, still not breathing well.

She quicky took a pill. Maybe two. It didn't help. She leaned heavily against the wooden kitchen furniture, trying to gather herself, trying to get her breath back under control, but she slowly collapsed to her knees anyway, as her trembling legs gave up on her, causing her weak, damaged muscles to contract.

Both of her scars were now throbbing fiercly, a twinge of pain flaring to life in her left side, her muscles tangling into unbearable knots. She cried out in pain, tears welling up in her eyes, streaming down her face, noises of agony breaking past her quivering lips. It was enough!

Somehow she marched to the fridge, didn't know how. She needed to drink. Whatever, just let it be a drink. Her eyes roamed here and there, quickly scanning the content of her fridge. Without thinking any further she grabbed a bottle of vodka and took a deep sip. Yes! That's excatly what she needed! She cringed, as the strong, burning liquit slid down her throat. Kate never considered drowning her pain in alcohol, not since his father spent six years of his life in a bottle, but tonight, she didn't care. Tonight, she wanted to forget, to knock herself out as much as possible. Tonight was all about wrong choices.

As the hours grew late she kept drinking and drinking, but the throbbing pain around her scars hadn't ease. Not even a bit.

"Why me?" She cried out loud, clutching the half emty bottle in her trembling hands, choking back a sob by taking another sip from the strong, burning liquid.

"Why is it always me, whyy?!" She yelled into the dimness of the room, basically talking to herself, but really, who does even care?!

Her chest was shuddering, struggling to breath. Her voice was hoarse, her mind foggy and confused, her body hunched forward on the kitchen floor. She didn't even bother to use a glass, just simply drank from the bottle. She was already drunk enough not to care about anything.

Kate did a great job at hiding her feelings from everyone, swallowing down the all consuming pain for nearly three months, but tonight, it all broke free.

All the unshed emotions, all the hidden pain finally broke surface, spilling out like water from a broken glass.

If only Castle would be here now, whispering reassuring voices into her ear like he always did, the warmth of his breath caressing the shell of her ears, the comfronting embrace of his arms sending goosebumps all over her skin. But no, he wasn't here, no one was.

Her cries grew stronger by each passing second, flood of tears flowing down her face, soaking her neck, leaving a damp patch on her loose night shirt.

She took another sip from the bottle, trying to soothe her reeling mind. Kate let the strong liquid linger in her mouth for a couple of seconds, the effect of alcohol burning her taste buds, then she swallowed it down, feeling her tongue heavy and useless.

As the time had past the candle on her kitchen table had slowly burned off, flickering for one last time.

She grumbled something under her breath, trying to reach for her phone.

She managed to grab it in time, before the darkness of the night could blanket her entire apartment with the pale glow of the moon. Her mind was clouded, influenced by alcohol, but she was still able to turn the flashlight on with her already numb, trembling fingers.

She considered calling Castle, if only she could hear his husky voice! If only she could apologize right now and tell him how she truly feels, tell him how hard it was to lie on that day in the hospital! But it's too late, she already screwed it up, she screwed up everything!

"You crawled inside your mother's murder for so long, you don't even know who you are without it!"

Castle's words suddenly echoed in her troubled mind, his voice so loud, almost real. If only he knew how hard she tries to let it go, to leave it behind, but something always comes up and snaps her back down into it. She is just a lowkey cop, who can't even solve her own case, that's what it is. Who is she kidding to even consider a relationship with him?

Really, he deserves better, Castle deserves so much better!

She tossed the phone away, out of her sight, incoherent words leaving her mouth.

Kate was crying, sobbing even harder now, attempting to take a proper breath, still clutching the bottle of vodka in her hand like it's the most precious thing she had ever held. Her eyes were red and swollen, she could barely blink past the tears crowding in her eyes.

A small teardrop broke free from the corner of her eye, slowly rolling down her cheek, tickling her face. She quickly wiped it away with the sleeve of her night shirt, still crying, sniffling like baby, feeling the hot, salty moisture even around her lips.

Her nose was not breathable anymore due to the nonstop crying, she could only breath through her mouth, sucking in a couple of ragged breaths.

She then out of nowhere started hiccuping, her eyes widening instantly as her entire chest involuntarily spasmed, both of her scars tugging harsly like hell. Kate gasped in pain, a strangled moan breaking past her quivering lips. She gulped hard from the bottle, at least she wanted to, but it was emty. Damn it! She growled, throwing the bottle away with a hard force. Did it broke? She didn't care!

Kate yelped in frustration, striking, pouncing at her surgical scar with her fisted hand over and over, unable think clearly anymore due to the haze of alcohol clouding her mind.

She didn't even care about the pain anymore, she had crossed that line hours ago.

She was done with this night, done with her life, done with everything.

Her eyes were watery, her vision blurried, her mind drowsy, her body hurt and tired. She leaned forward, slowly giving up, burying her face into the hardwood of the kitchen floor.

She was now an emotional wreck, a sobbing mess hopelessly, aimlessly crumpled on the floor. She didn't bother to stand up anymore. Exhaustion overtook her fragile, ruined body within seconds and she slowly but surely, cried herself to sleep, her injured side pressed to the hard, ice cold kitchen tile.

A/N: Thanks for reading! :) The second part is no finished yet, so it will probably take a while until I can post it, but I will try my best!